Marlene

by Philippe Djian

  No. Nothing mysterious at all. It doesn’t mean anything more than it says. If you ask me if I like being here with you, I’ll say yes and it doesn’t mean any more than that.

  I don’t know. Maybe we’re compatible, maybe we’re not.

  He heard the dentist coming home. It must have been two in the morning; the night was black and the wind had more or less died down.

  What do you want to know about me, she murmured in his ear. My life is a long story, and not a very pretty one.

  Do you want to know if I’ve slept with guys. I’m about to turn forty, I’m not married, of course I’ve slept with guys. What about you.

  I didn’t ask.

  She almost added and you know what can happen when you sleep with guys who are careless, you get pregnant, but she chickened out, not wanting to jeopardize the ground they’d gained. She had come on a whim, aware how little he appreciated unexpected visits, and had dreaded the worst. But suddenly fate had turned in her favor. Proof that you should never give up on forcing a situation.

  She rolled onto her stomach and offered him her behind, thinking that her intrusion, her audacity, had already been hugely rewarded.

  SNAG

  Dan, I just want to warn you, Nath said one morning.

  I’m saying this for your own good. She’s my sister, I know her.

  He turned toward her, squinting; it was a bright, beautiful day.

  Listen, he said, I don’t really feel like talking about this.

  I’ll have my coffee and be off. Richard’s waiting.

  But you don’t understand, it’s not right, you can’t do this. Are you insane. Marlene. You’ve got to be out of your mind. When Richard finds out. No, really, Dan, I’m stunned. It’s a sick joke.

  He took a step back and looked at her with an inquisitive smile.

  Oh, for God’s sake, I’m dating your sister, stop making such a big deal of it. It’s not like I asked her to marry me, take it easy, what’s gotten into you.

  Dan, before she came here, we were a family, and she’s going to destroy what’s left of it, that’s what’s gotten into me.

  She’s not going to destroy anything, he said, setting down his cup. Anyway, I should get moving.

  So what this is doing to me, what it will do to Richard—you don’t really care, do you.

  And what is it doing to you.

  I’m not joking. She’ll rip you to shreds.

  A gloomy prediction, but there wasn’t much danger of that, as he already considered himself in shreds. On the other hand, the news wasn’t exactly being embraced and it boded ill for the future if she and Richard stuck to their guns. Neither of them had ever felt the need, much less had the time, to voice an opinion about the women he slept with—no more than he, moreover, who regularly forgot to jot down their phone numbers; the idea of a moderately lasting relationship was alien to him, given his physical exhaustion and the narrow space he could have allotted them.

  The difference with Marlene was probably that she had come at just the right moment, after his years of trying had yielded such paltry results, and he was getting older, and Mona had nuked everything, and Marlene seemed to need him as much as he needed her. Call it favorable conditions, a fortuitous alignment of the planets—it was the only way he could explain it.

  He stopped at the Laundromat to wait for Richard, who was supervising the return of a dryer that he was calling pure junk to a manufacturer’s technician who couldn’t have cared less—you could tell he was a pro, the type who’d long ago decided not to give himself an ulcer.

  Fuck me, those Swiss machines are pieces of shit, Richard grumbled, getting into the car. Lifetime guarantee, my ass.

  He calmed down as they drove through town, and he raised his shirt collar and put on the tie Dan had brought him—managing a Windsor knot in two shakes—but he wasn’t relaxed enough to hear what Dan hoped to tell him about his idyll with Marlene.

  They arrived at the military cemetery. Two commandos had been blown up by a mine and that morning they were being given last honors; a few women broke down sobbing, men clenched their jaws, and those who were doing neither wore shades against the glare. Dan and Richard stood with veterans who were all thinking the same thing. Thank you God for not choosing me.

  Thank you God for letting me come home, even if it isn’t as great as I thought it would be. Thank you God for letting me be here, alive, despite all the shit I’ve gone through.

  It was nice out. The service was long but appropriately so, as you couldn’t bury these boys in just five minutes.

  The few children present started to get fidgety, some birds cheeped in the trees in the background, bees gathered pollen from the flowers on the graves, otherwise no one in the rows made a sound.

  The civilian cemetery was adjacent. Richard swiped a handsome bouquet on his way in, so as not to show up empty-handed.

  One of them had a really pretty wife, said Richard, did you notice.

  The brunette in high heels with pale skin and bangs.

  Yeah, a shame.

  They followed an alley of cypresses and emerged into the newest section of the cemetery, where no trees were growing yet, not a tuft of grass, no tombstones, everything provisional, barely trimmed hedges still in their pots, crosses you could rent by the month. Before the mound of earth that covered Mona, Richard squatted to change the flowers and arrange the new bouquet.

  So, go figure, I’ve been seeing Marlene, Dan blurted out. Who’d a thunk it, eh.

  Richard slowly raised his head and turned toward him.

  Then he stood up, dusted off the knees of his pants for no reason, and asked him to repeat what he wasn’t sure he’d heard right.

  I know what you’re thinking, answered Dan. But you’re wrong. Let’s not argue about it. I didn’t make the decision lightly.

  Richard glowered at him steadily. Dan realized there was a good chance they’d come to blows.

  It’s either her or me, Richard finally stated. Your choice. You decide.

  Don’t make me do that. Don’t make me do something I’ll regret for the rest of my life. No matter which way it goes.

  You’ll come crawling back with your tail between your legs, but by then it’ll be too late. I won’t even acknowledge you in the street. You’ll be dead to me.

  Dan shoved his hands in his pockets and looked away.

  Richard, an evil look on his face, took advantage to spring on him, but so awkwardly that their collision resulted in a brutal and depressing embrace, leaving them momentarily confused, embarrassed, not sure what to do next, nor how to process what had just happened.

  Then they pulled apart without a word, and Richard turned his back on Dan to deal with the flowers.

  You see the shit she stirs up, he said between gritted teeth. Doesn’t that tell you enough. Can you really be that blind.

  He glanced behind his shoulder to gauge Dan’s reaction, but the latter was already moving away, meditating amid the unmarked plots, the pending graves.

  This was off to a bad start. He found a semblance of peace and quiet at the bowling alley, where he kept to himself. That evening, coming home, he was disconcerted for a second when he found her in the house, cooking dinner, but then he remembered he’d given her a key. Hey, he went in a lighthearted tone. But his heart wasn’t very light after what had happened with Richard, and earlier with Nath; it wasn’t easy to swallow.

  You look worried, she said.

  No, I’m okay. I just don’t like burials.

  Aren’t you getting changed.

  Yeah, sure. You know, this isn’t going to be easy, with those two. They really don’t want to see us together.

  They don’t have to. We can make our own friends.

  We’ll go to different bars. I’ll visit them once in a while.

  Even that, I wouldn’t recommend. />
  He took off his leather jacket and went to hang it up, but couldn’t find the coat-rack. Marlene, he called from the foyer, wasn’t there a coat-rack here, with a duck’s head.

  Oh, yeah, I broke it, I’ll tell you about it, it’s too ridiculous.

  No problem. If you put it somewhere, I’ll repair it.

  I threw it out. It was kaput.

  You know, that was a present I made for my dad when I was ten. I spent my entire allowance on it.

  Oh, please don’t tell me that.

  It’s okay, I guess I wasn’t really all that attached to it.

  Oh, uh, while we’re on the subject, I broke a vase.

  Fine. Did you vacuum. Because, you know, I walk around barefoot.

  He draped his jacket over the back of a chair.

  That smells good, but don’t make too much. I’m feeling a bit queasy tonight.

  We just won’t worry about them, that’s all. We don’t owe them any explanations.

  No, but they were my only family, I don’t have anyone else. I don’t know where I’d be if it hadn’t been for them. I wasn’t in very good shape when I got back.

  She spun around quickly to turn off what she had on the stove.

  Listen, she said, let’s just go see them. We’re not bad people, we’re not criminals, we should be able to talk to one another.

  I’m not so sure.

  If you don’t want to, I’ll go alone.

  Meanwhile, Richard had gone to bed, without eating and in a foul temper. Nath had made him recount the scene in minute detail and he felt the weight that had settled on his shoulders. Dan had knocked him senseless; he felt utterly betrayed. That bitch. Just from fucking her he had sensed something funny, sensed Marlene was bad karma, and he didn’t need that. They should never have agreed to take her in, welcome her, he would have vetoed it if he hadn’t been so dumb. But he’d let himself be bought and it was the eternal backlash. He’d turned off the light. By the faint glow of his alarm clock, he made out Nath’s outline coming into the room and sitting on his side of the bed. He didn’t need to see her to guess her mood. He had left her in front of her extra-wide TV screen holding a glass of wine and she was like an ice statue sculpted with a chisel. What had happened in the cemetery, in front of their daughter’s grave, what he and Dan had said to each other, had left her exasperated.

  No point in talking to her when she was like this.

  Normally, he would have gone out and tried his luck in town, but this time he’d preferred to go to bed.

  He lay there without moving, staring at the ceiling.

  After a moment, she asked if he was sleeping.

  She’s going to fuck everything up, she said.

  He’ll realize that soon enough.

  But even so, something’s ruined. You know it as well as I do, don’t pretend otherwise.

  Hang on, it’s not a done deal yet. What do you think he’s got on his mind right now. It must be churning up his brain.

  You think so.

  We’re not just anybody to him.

  I can’t get over how she jockeyed for position. I don’t know if I can keep her on at the shop. I don’t know if I can do that.

  You should just throw her out, for starters. It would serve her right.

  I never thought he’d do this to us. It’s really knocked me for a loop. And she knew it, too, she knew what she was doing, and it didn’t stop her for a second. She’s poisoned my life from day one. Remember what she was like when we first met.

  No sense dredging all that up. Come to bed and try to get some sleep.

  The next morning, on waking, in the first light of day, Dan contemplated the nude woman sleeping next to him, her clothes on a chair, her glasses on the bedside table. He felt as if he were on a merry-go-round that was spinning faster and faster.

  He got dressed for his run. These days, he avoided going near the pond, the lugubrious old wind pump, and cut through a path that passed behind the barracks and skirted the railroad tracks, a much longer route, and so Marlene was in the bathroom when he returned dripping and stinking of sweat, but this inconvenience only annoyed him for a second and he rushed into the kitchen to beat her to the coffee machine. Apart from the disruption, when you started living with someone it set a subtle game in motion, an amusing enough game, constantly filled with twists and turns; if being amused was all you had to do, then living with someone could be rather fun. Living alone could be too, but he felt the poison begin to seep through him and he didn’t try to stop it. He put his head under cold water, over the sink, and dried off with two sheets of flowered paper towel.

  True, they’d hit a snag, but now that she was here—she’d even brought over a carryall stuffed with her things and she left her phone charger there permanently—there was no turning back. If he didn’t take the plunge now, he never would, he had to fight or die trying, no other choice. How could Richard and Nath not understand that. They had completely cracked up, retreated into their version of the truth, and he didn’t expect to see them for a good long time.

  I’m going to talk to them, I’m the one they blame, she announced.

  He had taken his shower and was getting dressed, listening to Marlene pacing around the house—which she was rousing from its neurasthenic torpor—until she came to stand in the bedroom doorway.

  We’ll go together, he decided. I doubt it’ll do any good, but if you’re really set on it, okay.

  She’s got something to hide. Richard too.

  I don’t want things to escalate.

  Me neither. But I wouldn’t hesitate. I’m thinking about us, first and foremost. I’ve had it up to here with things being taken away from me. I say basta, enough.

  To end the conversation, she went to sit on his knees and pulled his arms around her.

  The more you have to lose, the stronger you get, she said. I saw that written on a wall once.

  He nodded, mentally echoing, the wronger you get.

  He worked on Sundays, his busiest and most tiring day. You had to keep an eye on everything and expect the venerable equipment to break down; no time for daydreaming, wandering in the maze of existential dilemmas, taking a breather, or lamenting or rejoicing in your fate. Normally he went on autopilot and waited without waiting for the day to end. Back then, he’d been in no hurry to go home, there was no urgency, nothing crucial to share. But now he discovered that the hours could stretch and slow down even more when you kept watching the clock.

  Marlene spent the afternoon preparing her move to Dan’s. Not that she was unaware of the dangers of such precipitation, but she sensed she had to act quickly and burn all her bridges. Dan had left her the car and she took advantage to transport her belongings and store them at his place. She hadn’t let him in on her plan and only unpacked a portion of it so as not to scare him.

  Daylight was beginning to wane when she came to the end of her efforts. She sighed, stretched, caressed her belly with a vague smile and took out one last garbage can. It was nice out. She was determined. The sky was empty but she sent up a silent prayer.

  Richard knew full well that having sex with Marlene had been a mistake. She was holding a live hand grenade, he had to be careful, it could all blow up in his face if Nath ever learned he’d fucked her sister. He sat at the kitchen table to make his rolls of coins and was down in the dumps. After Mona, now he was losing Dan, it was a shitty Sunday, the only thing missing was rain. He got up to fetch a beer. He couldn’t deny that screwing his sister-in-law had had a special tang because of the danger, the taboo attached to it, and anyway you can’t change your stripes, he said to himself, they can’t hang you for that.

  Nath passed in front of him and went to the window.

  She stood facing the empty street that stretched in either direction from the gate and remained with folded arms before the pale sky with its fading tints. Then sh
e went back to the sofa, leafed through a magazine, and went back to stand at the window. She had been doing this for a while, so he told her to cut it out, that she was making him dizzy.

  She shrugged in irritation. I envy you, she said. Just carrying on like everything’s fine, like we’re not in the middle of a disaster.

  Because I look so thrilled, is that it. Maybe you’d like it better if I just paced back and forth.

  With the back of his hand, he swept aside the stacks of coins littering the table, sending them flying across the kitchen with a clatter.

  She didn’t bat an eyelid, not caring whether he broke every dish in the house. Her mind elsewhere, she rubbed a hesitant index finger across her lips, trembling slightly. Marlene knew things. Marlene could unleash chaos at any moment, and it terrified her that her sister had such power. She had forgotten how badly she loathed her in the past, but what was a teenage hatred compared with the hatred of a grown woman whose entire life was at stake, a life patiently built up over twenty years, a herculean effort. No comparison at all. She was finding it hard to breathe. She felt like crying, but she no longer had a single tear to shed.

  As the hours went by, Dan had felt an increasing need to be with Marlene, and no longer able to stand it, tired of the surrounding ruckus, he had abandoned his post at the busiest moment to go call her. He had gone outside to the parking lot, where the excess cars spilling into the service roads were causing a real mess. The sun was setting, a slight fog began forming at the foot of the low cliffs bordering the horizon, and behind him the forest was ablaze. He looked at his phone and wondered what to say to her. He couldn’t just say he was looking forward to coming home and leave it at that. He looked skyward, seeking inspiration.

  Tell her I’m thinking of her. Tell her that despite everything I’m pleased with what’s happening to us.

  Call her my baby, my darling. He smiled at all that pablum. Tell her you know, I think I’m the one responsible for Mona’s death, but small chance of that, it was a secret he’d take with him to the grave.

  He put his phone away and resumed work after washing his hands and being grossed out by the filthy hand towel used by the staff—he’d fought in vain to get a hand dryer and he preferred to dry himself on his thighs and butt. Whatever the case, he had no intention of putting in overtime, not an extra minute. Brigitte could shove it up her ass. He was going home. He would pause for a moment, leather jacket in hand, before the empty space where his coat-rack with the duck’s head used to stand, and all would be well.