Daddy's

by Helen Goodman

  Pleased with her efforts she decided to give herself a treat so she called a few friends to see if any of them were free to join her for a meal that evening but she'd left it too late, everyone already had plans.

  She was invited to join some of them but didn't really want a loud, raucous evening in a club or dyke bar, so she decided to go for a meal on her own anyway.

  Quite often on a Saturday night her and Sue would visit their favourite curry house so Karen decided that was exactly what she would do. She would take a good book, her MP3 player and go and have a damn fine curry, convincing herself that she was perfectly capable of having a decent Saturday night on her own.

  Her plans started to unravel as soon as she walked into the restaurant and the waiter greeted her with a smile and asked where her companion was this evening. She managed to keep her composure but it was a close run thing, so she decided to change her plans and get her meal as a takeaway instead.

  Things then got slightly worse as she handed her bank card over to pay and realised that she'd ordered enough food for 2 people – it seemed some habits were hard to break. Driving home with the smell of deeply spiced food drifting through the car and even the radio was conspiring against her - it seemed every song they played was about failed love or broken hearts.

  By the time she pulled up outside the house she was feeling pretty miserable again, but she was determined to lift herself out of her funk.

  She served herself a generous portion of delicious Indian food, putting the rest aside to freeze, poured herself a large glass of good red wine, slipped one of her favourite thrillers into the DVD player and settled down for the evening.

  By the time the film had ended and Karen had smoked a joint she was feeling pretty mellow and relaxed again, so she wandered upstairs to bed having decided to get up early and go for a long walk in the morning.

  As she was pulling her bedroom curtains she noticed a strange car outside and it looked like there was someone sitting in the driver's seat. This was unusual as there were only 3 cottages in her little terrace; an elderly couple on one end, hers on the other end and the empty cottage in the middle that the owners used as an occasional weekend retreat, so late night visitors weren't a common occurrence.

  Walking downstairs without turning the lights back on she peered through the dining room window to get a better look and take the number plate of the car. Burglaries in the village were thankfully rare but there was no harm in being cautious.

  The car was still there and there was definitely someone sitting in the driver's seat but it was too dark to be able to see who or get the license number.

  Karen was in a quandary – she even considered calling the police but then she decided she was just being paranoid and decided to go to bed.

  She'd been snuggled under the covers for about 15 minutes before she realised the wine had made her thirsty and that she should get some water, so she threw on a robe and padded downstairs to the kitchen, peeking through the curtains again as she passed. Damn – the bloody car was still there!

  On impulse she unlocked the front door to get a better look, thinking that maybe if she blatantly stared at them they would drive away but as she stood there watching nothing moved in the car.

  It was then she realised that the windows were so steamed up the occupants probably couldn't even see out of them – surely they weren't sleeping out there? Maybe they had broken down? Now her curiosity was really piqued so she ran upstairs, threw on some jogging bottoms and a sweatshirt and headed back out of the front door to get a better look.

  She was apprehensive as she approached the car, her mobile phone in her hand in case she needed to call for help, but even as she drew level with the drivers window there was no movement. Rapping on the glass she heard a startled cry from within the car and then a string of expletives but she wasn't worried any more – she knew that voice oh-so-well.

  'Sue? What the hell are you doing out here woman?'

  She heard the buzz of the window rolling down and slowly a tired and bedraggled Sue emerged into view.

  'Urm hi Karen.'

  There were a lot of questions Karen wanted to ask but all that came out was 'Why on earth are you sitting out here?'

  'I'm sorry, I'll go. I should never have come. I fell asleep. I'm so sorry.'

  Karen opened the driver's door just as the engine started, stopping Sue from pulling away.

  'For gods sake come inside, I'll put the kettle on.' and she tugged Sue out of the car and guided her towards the open front door.

  This had been Sue's home for two years and yet she was awkward now, like a stranger visiting someone's house for the first time. While Karen was making tea she sat on the sofa, then stood up again, then sat in an armchair, then stood up again before moving to sit on the floor in front of the dwindling embers of the fire to warm up. She'd been sitting in the car for a long time and the cold air seemed to have invaded her very bones, making her stiff and sore.

  She wasn't sure how long Karen had been standing there watching her before she felt her presence but she found it difficult to look at her, continuing to look at the ebbing glow instead.

  'You're cold?' It was more of a statement than a question but Karen registered Sue's almost imperceptible nod.

  'Come here' and she took Sue's hand and settled her on the sofa, handed her a hot cup of tea and placed a warm blanket over her shoulders, before returning to the fire, adding wood and opening the air vents to help it catch quickly.

  Karen had thoughts and questions rushing around her mind but she seemed incapable of actually forming a coherent sentence, so she sat silently next to Sue on the sofa, waiting to see if she offered any kind of explanation. After what seemed to be an eternity of awkward silence, Sue finally looked up at her and smiled weakly, tears forming in her eyes as she spoke.

  'I'm so sorry Karen, for everything. I'm sorry I hurt you, I'm sorry I didn't at least offer you a proper explanation and I'm sorry for disturbing you tonight.

  I didn't mean to end up in the lane outside; I just went for a drive to clear my head and unconsciously came here, then I was crying too hard to drive and then I must have dozed off.'

  The tears were flowing freely down Sue's face now but Karen felt surprising calm and in control, wrapping her arm around Sue's shoulders and pulling her in for a comforting hug.

  'Sue, what's going on Babe? If you don't love me any more then that's fine but please tell me why you left, maybe then we can at least stay friends.'

  'I don't want to be fucking friends!' Raged Sue suddenly, taking Karen by surprise and making her jump 'I want to be your partner! I want to be able to shout from the rooftops about the woman I'm in love with and show you off to the world. I want to be able to marry you and spend the rest of my days growing old with you!'

  OK, so now Karen was seriously confused and although Sue had hurt her it was blatantly obvious that she was in a whole different world of pain. Her eye's were blazing with a fury that Karen had never witnessed before and her whole body was trembling as she tried to contain her rage.

  'Sue, you need to calm down and tell me what's going on. Talk to me for god's sake – did it ever occur to you that I may be able to help?' oh great, take one seriously angry and upset woman and then speak to them in the most patronising way you can manage – nice one Karen you doofus!

  Sue span around, her eye's bugging out with indignation as she started to splutter expletives but Karen jumped in first.

  'I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean it to come out like that, it's just that you're not making any sense. If you still love me and want to be with me then how come you left? Please Sue, start at the beginning and tell me what's going on.'

  'Ok, but I'm going to need something stronger than tea, do you still keep a bottle of single malt in the cupboard?'

  A couple of minutes later they were both sat cradling large crystal tumblers containing amber liquid and Sue had finally calmed down enough to speak rationally.

 
'I'm not sure where to start or how to explain. Sometimes I think I'm the biggest coward in the world and other times I consol myself with the thought that I'm actually being brave and magnanimous buy putting other people's feelings before my own – either way I'm as miserable as hell and I hurt you along the way, for which I'm truly, truly sorry.'

  And then it all just seemed to tumble out and in a rush of words that were tripping over each other in their need for release Sue explained her problem.

  'You know I'm kind of Jewish right? Well my dad has never been religious, otherwise he'd never have married my mum who's technically Christian, but one of his favourite sayings is "once a Jew always a Jew". His dad is still very devout, observes the Sabat to the letter, always in the synagogue, would curl up and die rather than let pork or prawns past his lips – well, my dad is getting more like him as he gets older. I think he's feeling his mortality and doesn't want to take the chance of pissing god off if there really is a promised land after we die.

  Do you remember when we went to the New Forest last winter? I remember looking up at you from the snowdrift you'd pushed me into during a snowball fight, your cheeks all rosy from the cold and exertion, a grin plastered onto your face like a 5 year old kid, and it finally hit me. Never in my life would I ever love someone the way I loved you. You meant the world to me in that moment; you still do, and I realised just how wrong it was of me to hide our love like I was ashamed of it – ashamed of you, so I resolved to tell me family about us the next time I saw them.'

  'I remember you coming back from visiting them in January. You were strange and upset and offish from then – right up until.....'

  '....I walked out. Yeah, I know. I was stunned when I saw my dad. He's turned into another man, more devout than a bloody Rabbi – he's driving my mum absolutely nuts with his "can't eat that on a Friday / can't eat that any day / you're dress is too revealing etc etc and he spends all of his spare time at the fucking synagogue making up for the last 49 years!

  I honestly think my mum would leave him if she had somewhere to go so the last thing I wanted to do was cause more upset and pain by telling her that her only daughter and possible source of grandkids is a bloody lesbian!'

  Sue stopped long enough to take a large gulp of whiskey and when she looked up, Karen could see the inner turmoil behind her eyes and had to wonder to herself how she hadn't noticed that Sue was in so much pain before she left.

  'Anyway, once I'd decided to tell my parents, and failed, hiding our relationship just became too hard to bear and it seemed so unfair on you that I didn't know what to do. In the end I just snapped and ran away!'

  'Where have you been living Babe? Who's car are you driving?'

  'I stayed with my mum for a couple of weeks until my dad drove me nuts with his religious bullshit – you know he actually had a go at me for wearing a pair of shorts and a short sleeved tee shirt! Since then I've been staying with an old college friend Sharon and her husband; the car belongs to her.'

  Karen put her drink down and pulled Sue into a tight embrace, hugging her fiercely as she battled with her own roiling emotions. Part of her was so very angry with Sue for not trying to discuss this with her before now but another part of her was angry at herself for not noticing the anguish Sue must have been in.

  'I'm sorry you've been going through this shit Babe, and I'm sorry I never noticed you were in pain but I wish you'd have spoken to me.'

  Sue looked into her eyes and saw the mixture of pain and concern on Karen's face and before she knew it she had placed her lips on hers. God she felt like she had come home! The sadness, longing and hunger she had been feeling for the last 3 months were driven away in a flash and she couldn't help but moan as Karen's tongue sought hers in a dance they had performed so many times before.

  'I'm sorry Sue but I'm absolutely bushed. How about we call it a night, get some sleep and tackle this dilemma tomorrow – together as a team?'

  They headed upstairs and Karen took Sue into the bedroom they had shared, made sure she had everything she needed and then left, much to Sue's dismay.

  'I'm sorry Babe, I can't sleep with you tonight. First off – neither of us would get any sleep because after 3 months I know I'm not going to be able to keep my hands to myself. In addition to that, if we sleep together tonight and you leave me again tomorrow I don't think I would be able to cope with the heartbreak.

  I'm just next door and I'll see you in the morning. Please, please don't leave before I get up.'

  'I won't Honey, I promise, now kiss me goodnight.'

  Karen woke in the morning to a strange sound invading her dreams, finally realised it was the phone and reached over to grab it, only to then remember that she was in the spare room and the phone was in the master bedroom.

  She stumbled out of bed and hurried to the phone hoping to get to it before it woke Sue but on entering the bedroom she saw her sitting up in bed staring at the phone as if it had just bitten her.

  'What's up Babe, are you ok?'

  'That's my parents number, I didn't know if I should answer it or not.'

  'What reason did you give them for moving out?'

  Sue looked embarrassed before finally saying 'I'm sorry, I know it wasn't true but I just said we weren't getting on very well'

  Glancing at the clock and noticing that it was only just after 8am on a Sunday morning, Karen grabbed the phone and hit speaker phone, assuming there must be a good reason for the call.

  Sue's mum sounded relieved, and immediately broke into an apology for phoning so early and explained that Sharon had woken up and called her when she realised the car was still gone and was worried Sue had been in an accident.

  'No, she's here and she's fine. She came over last night and we had a chat and a few drinks so I persuaded her to stay rather than drive back, hang on – I'll pass the phone over.'

  Sue took the phone reluctantly but was relieved to know that it was her mum rather than her dad, she apologised for worrying her and promised to phone Sharon straight away to ease her fears and was just about to hang up when her mum stopped her, saying she wanted to talk to her.

  'Sue, I don't know what's going on, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want to but you've been as miserable as sin the last few months. I know you're worried about me and your father, but that's my problem to deal with, not yours. I'm still your mother; I love you and I'll always be here for you no matter what. If you're in some kind of trouble you can talk to me about it in confidence you know, your father doesn't have to know.'

  Sue was silent for a few moments as she weighed up her choices, scared at coming clean and yet not wanting to pass up the opportunity to grab the olive branch her mum was offering.

  'Mum, I do need to talk to you. You're right, I'd rather talk to you alone and don't worry – I'm not in any trouble. Is dad in later?'

  'He'll be out of the house by ten this morning at one of his bloody religious debate groups and I don't expect him back before about 1pm'

  'OK, I'll see you about 10.30, bye.'

  Sue looked like a startled rabbit as she hung up the phone, realisation of what she was about to do caught up with her and she started to tremble.

  Karen slipped under the covers with her and held her in a close embrace, not sure if Sue was up to the task but knowing it had to be her decision. She would never force Sue to come out; she had to do it for her own reasons or else there would be resentment and recriminations later.

  'You ok Honey?'

  'No, I'm fucking shitting myself!' but as Karen looked at Sue's face she could see the start of a nervous smile play across her lips as she started to believe she could overcome her fear and take the leap.

  'Make love to me?' her eye's pleading

  Karen kissed Sue deeply but then pulled away, the effort of tearing herself out of the bed almost too much for her heart to bear.

  'Yes Honey, I'll make love to you for the rest of our lives, but not now. If you really are going to do this then I don't want your cour
age to come from sex, it has to be because of something deeper.

  I love you Sue, more than I can put into words. I'll help and support you in any way that I can, I'll even go back to living a lie with you if that's what you want – or, painful as it would be I'll let you go if that's what you think is best, but you need to REALLY know what you want from me, what you want from US before anything else.'

  Sue stared at Karen with the utmost love in her eyes, tears starting to trickle down her cheeks.

  'I love you too Kaz, and I understand what you're saying but I can't go back to living a lie and I won't let you go either. I'm going to tell mum and take it from there – will you come with me?'

  An hour later they had returned the car that Sue had borrowed and presented flowers to Sharon by way of an apology for worrying her.

  'So, are you two back together again?' The look on Sue's face was a picture, making Sharon double up laughing. 'Oh come on Sue, I've known you since college you can't hide this from me! You've been staying here with us for almost 2 months and you've done nothing but talk about someone called Karen, who I'm assuming is the good looking woman standing next to you with the protective look in her eye!'

  'Why didn't you say anything if you knew?' stammered Sue in utter disbelief.

  'Wasn't my place girl, I assumed you'd tell me when you were ready. So, are things back to normal now?'

  'No, not yet.' and Sue looked lovingly at Karen 'There's someone else I need to tell first, once that's done I'll be free of my demons and we can be a proper couple for the first time.' and with that she slipped her arm around Karen's waist in a very obvious public display of affection and kissed her cheek tenderly.

  Sue was adamant that she was going through with her decision, so they loaded her things into the back of Karen's car and headed to Sue's mum's house. Sue was a wreck during the short journey and Karen wasn't much better. She had only met Sue's parents once and it had been very brief, so she had no idea of how this visit was going to turn out.

  On arrival, they were surprised when Sue's mum came hurrying out of the front door and jumped into the back of the car.