Finding Home

by Rachel Smith

Her head shot up; eyes wide for a split second before they closed in pain from the sudden movement. “Please tell me I didn’t do that in real life.”

  I pressed my lips together but didn’t respond. Finally, she cracked one eye open to look at me. The look on my face must have given it away. “Oh, God.”

  “If it makes you feel any better, you’d just gotten up there to display your incredible air guitar skills to AC/DC’s “Shook me All Night Long” when I pulled you down. That’s when we called it a night and I took you home. Well, here, I guess.”

  “I want to crawl into a hole and die.”

  I shifted up to my knees and offered my hand to help her stand. “Come on, it wasn’t that bad. Everyone needs to let loose and tie one on once in a while.”

  “Not me,” she mumbled and put her hand into mine. “I don’t ever let loose. Maybe that’s why it didn’t go very well.”

  I released her hand once she gained her footing. “Take your time in here if you want, there’s a new toothbrush under the sink you’re more than welcome to use.”

  “Thanks,” she whispered. “Um… hey, Alex?”

  I stopped and turned to face her. “Yeah?”

  “We didn’t… um. Do anything… like… well, we didn’t Marvin Gaye and get it on, did we?”

  I clamped my lips together, trying desperately not to laugh. Being so far out of her element, laughing at her just might push the poor girl over the edge, but damn she was cute. I reined it in, gaining control of myself before I answered. “No, honey. No Marvin Gaye.”

  Her face visibly relaxed. “Okay, good.”

  Once out of the bathroom, I shook out both arms, trying to release my nervous energy. Fuck, I felt like a teenager, not knowing what to do next. In fact, my teen years may have been the last time I actually ‘liked’ someone. Maybe that’s why I felt so out of sorts; I wasn’t trying to get in Lizzie’s pants, I actually liked being around her, talking to her.

  I liked everything about her, which scared the shit out of me.

  “Toast,” I declared, like a light bulb went off inside my brain that she would need something to eat. I was so focused on getting the food ready for breakfast, I didn’t hear the bathroom door open.

  “Do you have to work?” Her soft voice startled me.

  I shook my head. “No. Had a rough shift yesterday and didn’t have time to hit my house and change before I met up with Lyons.” I looked down at my rumpled uniform. “Guess I should probably change clothes soon.”

  Her brows furrowed. “Why did you have a rough shift?”

  I paused for a moment, wanting to tell her everything, but knowing I couldn’t. “I can’t tell you that, Liz.”

  She nodded. “Official police stuff?”

  “Yeah.”

  She nodded again, her lips pressed tightly together. After inhaling a deep breath, a hint of a smile formed on her lips before she asked, “Is it why you had to rush off yesterday?”

  “Yeah,” I said again.

  “I see.” She folded her arms across her chest and then immediately dropped them. One hand came up to curl around the back of her neck. Our eyes met and she gave me a soft smile. The kind that lit her eyes and brightened her entire face.

  A smile I realized I wanted to see more of.

  All the time.

  At night before we fell asleep. First thing every morning. When I got off a shitty shift and made my way home, I wanted that smile.

  The slight level of apprehension I felt earlier slowly morphed into full-on anxiety.

  Suddenly, this whole exchange felt too intimate. Too much like a couple discussing their lives. I rubbed at the gnawing ache in my chest. Apparently, it bothered her that I’d left in a rush after pulling her over, and I didn’t need that type of guilt in my life. Work was my life.

  Always had been. Always would be.

  I panicked, completely abandoning the toast and glass of juice I’d poured for her. Rounding the table, I grabbed her coat and purse, motioning for us to head toward the door. “I actually do need to get to the station and check on a few things, so…”

  “Oh, yeah, okay.” She slid her coat around her shoulders and grabbed the purse from my hand. Her eyes slid to me as she flipped the hair tucked beneath her collar. “I thought you said you have the day off.”

  “I do,” I said in a rush. “But I still need to stop in, check on a few things to follow up from yesterday.”

  “Oh.” Her face fell and she made her way to the door, stopping to pull on her boots.

  I didn’t know what to say. Yeah, I needed to stop in to the station at some point today, but it didn’t have to be right now. Still, I needed a little space from her. I didn’t like these feelings. They were unfamiliar and freaked me the hell out.

  “You ready?” I asked.

  She didn’t answer so I turned to look at her. Again, with the pale face, she looked like she’d seen a ghost. “You all right?” I asked.

  I watched her throat move as she swallowed and then gave a curt nod like she was trying to convince herself she was, indeed, all right. “Yeah,” she croaked. “Just, uh, still a little queasy from overdoing it last night. Guess I learned my lesson there. Good thing I’m currently jobless so I don’t have to be an actual adult today.”

  “Cool,” I replied with a shrug. It was quiet for a moment as neither of us moved. Liz looked uncomfortable, probably embarrassed by the random job babble. Her mouth opened, as if to say more, when my phone chirped. Picking it up, I saw a text from another buddy, Evan Wakefield, wanting to know if I had any interest in hitting the snowmobile trails with him and Lyons.

  Not looking up, I tapped out a quick response to let them know I was definitely in.

  “I’m considering opening…”

  “Do you need a ride to your car?” I interrupted. Dick move, I know, but it was time to get this show on the road. I mean, fuck, I’d almost made breakfast for this woman. A woman who’d spent the night at my house… and I didn’t even get laid.

  I didn’t want this. I’d never wanted this in all my life. No thanks. I was born to be a cop, not a doting boyfriend.

  Her face fell, still pale, but she pushed through the door, down the sidewalk, and to my truck. Neither of us spoke until I realized I didn’t know where to take her. “Your car still uptown?”

  “No,” she answered quietly. I turned my head to look at her, feeling guilty for her sudden somber mood. She’d propped her elbow on the door, her chin in her hand. I knew I’d made her feel bad. Surprisingly, I didn’t very much like how that made me feel. Liz didn’t do anything to deserve that from me.

  I pulled up to her house, knowing she lived in Charlie’s old place. “Thanks,” she mumbled and pulled at the door handle. After two tries, it still hadn’t opened. Looking back at me, she laughed nervously, awkwardly. On the next try, she threw her shoulder into it. The door sprung open and she tumbled out, barely landing on her feet. She straightened and turned to face me, her eyes catching mine.

  “So, um, thanks,” she mumbled. I didn’t answer, just gave a curt nod. Her gaze shifted away before she slammed the door and walked toward the house.

  I sat in the truck and watched her, questioning everything I’d ever known. Women had never been a focus in my life. At least not in the girlfriend sense. Yeah, I found the occasional hot body to work through the stresses of life with every now and then, but never once did I give a shit about them.

  This chick? Fuck, when she used her chair as a stool and got up on that table, I about lost my mind. And not just because she would embarrass herself, or even because she was so drunk she might fall and get hurt, but because I didn’t like the way the other men in the bar watched her. Staring, moving closer to get a better look, like she was an easy target. Who knows what could have happened if I hadn’t been there to pull her down and get her ass home safely?

  I picked up my phone to shoot Wakefield a quick text that I was on my way to his place. Swiping the screen, I couldn’t stop the smile that crept
onto my lips when my wallpaper popped up, but I ignored the clench on the left side of my chest as my heart seized. I tossed my phone on the seat and backed out of the driveway, trying like hell not to glance at the beautiful woman in the picture. Pushing the feelings she stirred inside me as far away from my mind as possible. I didn’t need that.

  I didn’t need anyone.

  “Just keep telling yourself that, buddy,” I muttered.

  6

  Lizzie

  The jingly bells chimed against the glass door of the diner, signaling my arrival. Every person in the place turned their head at the noise.

  I looked back, glaring at the damn bell. It seemed every business in town had them. I don’t remember doorbells like this when I lived in Chicago. It must be a small-town thing.

  I casually walked to the end of the line, trying my hardest not to look at anyone or anything other than the giant menu board behind the counter. I felt eyes on me from every direction. Burning into my skin like a ray of sunlight passing through a magnifying glass.

  Before long, the words above me blurred together as my mind drifted.

  “I’ll have the pastrami on rye, please, with extra mustard.” The young girl behind the counter smiled as she rang up my order. I swiped my card and shuffled to the side for the next patron while I waited patiently for my food.

  I stepped around the display case that held various flavors of chips when I saw them. Seated in a corner booth, it looked like they had just finished eating. Empty food wrappers and drink containers sat on a tray between them.

  Erik and Veronica.

  My brain fired off warning signals as first Erik stood, and then reached his hand to help Veronica out of her seat.

  “Oh my God,” I whispered to myself, my eyes frantically searching for a place to hide. I had to get out of here, or get down, or something. I couldn’t let them see me. Not like this. Not when I looked like I’d just crawled out of a hole in the ground.

  I’d been a wreck since that awful day in Erik’s office. My life spiraling out of control as I not only lost my job and my boyfriend, but my will to care about much of anything. Sitting on the couch, watching sappy movies and eating copious amounts of ice cream seemed to be my gig as of late.

  Hence, the messy hair, no makeup, and loose, sloppy clothes. They were the only thing that fit thanks to the extra fifteen pounds I now carried in my ass.

  Damnit! In all the time Erik and I were ‘together’ I never saw him out, especially with another woman. So why now? I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing that asshole ever again and been fine. I’d eventually get over it, move on. But seeing him act like a loving husband with his beautiful wife? Like I didn’t exist and what we had meant nothing to him?

  Well, that just sucked a big one.

  I peeked around the chips one last time right as Erik looked up, seeing me plain as day. Thankfully, he diverted his wife’s attention to the other side of the restaurant. Maybe they could pass by before she saw me and then I can…

  “You.”

  It was just one word, but it dripped from her lips like poisonous venom. “You worthless, skanky, home-wrecking bitch.”

  A hush fell over the restaurant. Patrons stopped talking, stopped eating, turning to stare at the three of us with wide eyes. The quiet stillness only amplified my pounding heart inside my chest. I longed for a phone to ring, a bell to chime… anything but silence. Dear God, did the music even stop playing?

  “Ronnie, sweetie, I fired her, she can’t come between us anymore. Let’s go before we cause a scene.”

  My mouth snapped open. I came between them?

  Are. You. Shitting. Me.

  Before I had the chance to rip into him, Veronica piped in again. “I don’t know what you saw in this horrid woman, Erik. I mean, look at her. She obviously has no care about herself.” She turned to face me for the final blow. “Seriously, maybe take a minute to run a brush through that ratty mop on top of your head before the next trip out in public.”

  And then she laughed.

  A cynical, scathing laugh to drive the final nail in the coffin that held my self-esteem before it was buried forever. Still, she was right. I was out in public in old, disheveled clothes. My hair was a ratty mess, tangled into a ball of knots. Obviously showers—or the lack thereof—were a foregone conclusion as well.

  To make matters worse, she dressed like a damn model. Stick skinny, perfect skin. Hell, I bet she even brushed her teeth today.

  I couldn’t compete with that, and I didn’t want to. I wanted to crawl under the covers on my bed and go to sleep for six hundred years.

  “I’m leaving town,” I blurted, unsure where it came from.

  “Well good fucking riddance,” she spat and then flounced out the door. Seconds passed as Erik stood there, silently staring at me. I didn’t look at him. Mostly because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of looking me in the eye, but a little bit, also, because I didn’t want him to see the hurt inside.

  “Will you go to your sister’s?” he finally asked. My head whipped around at the sound of his voice, but I didn’t answer. Instead, I stared at him and scowled.

  So very mature of me, I know.

  Rejection stung like a son of a bitch, but being pissed eased the pain. Erik looked at me for a beat, almost sheepishly, before giving me a single nod and following his wife.

  That’s it. That was all I got before he walked away forever.

  “Ma’am? Hello? Ma’am, seriously, you’re holding up the line.”

  I blinked at the woman behind the counter as my brain slowly came back to life.

  A hand clamped onto my shoulder and I felt a body lean closer. “It’s your turn.”

  I jumped a mile, jerking my arm away in some sort of ninja-self-defense move. I’m sure I looked like an uncoordinated animal, ready for mortal combat and set to strike.

  Which I apparently did.

  With my elbow.

  Right to the poor guy’s jaw. “Ugh, Jesus,” he grunted.

  My hands flew to my mouth in horror as Alex rubbed his hand back and forth over where I’d clocked him in the face. “OhmyGodI’msorry,” I said in a rush, my words more like a jumbled gust of air.

  “Hell of a jab, there, Lizzie.”

  Lizzie. Holy hell, my entire body almost melted into a pile of goo right there on the floor. I loved it that he called me Lizzie.

  Then I got a good look at him, realizing he had on that glorious cop uniform again.

  God Bless America and the boys in blue.

  “You can go to jail, ya know, for assaulting an officer.”

  I stopped drooling over his hotness immediately and my head snapped up. Blood rushed to my cheeks, reddening them in embarrassment. Alex cocked his head to the side at my reaction and took a single step closer before he said gently, “Hey.” He reached one finger out to brush a lone strand of hair from my face. “Lizzie, I’m just messing with you.”

  I nodded, my eyes never leaving his. I could stare at them forever, longing to jump into the smoky gray sea and lose myself.

  “Y’all think I can get your order before I die of old age?”

  Alex pointed toward the lady behind the counter who was clearly annoyed. “So, this is the part where you tell the beautiful Delores here what you want to eat. She’ll give the order to the cook and they make the food for you.” He smirked, still rubbing his jaw.

  Smug bastard.

  “I know how a restaurant works, thank you very much.” I crossed my arms in defiance. “Maybe I haven’t decided yet.”

  Delores rolled her eyes. “Honey, believe it or not, I don’t have all day to stand here and wait for you.” She looked at Alex. “You know what you want, sweetheart?”

  Alex took a step forward, cutting in front of me. “I’ll have the—”

  “Excuse me.” I shouldered him out of the way and looked at Delores. “I’ll have the pastrami on rye with extra mustard. And an iced tea.”

  Alex chuckled so
I gave him the stink eye as she wrote it down.

  “And for you?” she asked.

  “Oh, we’re not togeth—”

  “I’ll have the same.” He turned to me and winked. “Less mustard.”

  I reached into my purse for my wallet. Just when my fingers curled around the soft leather, my arm was pulled away. Unfortunately, half of the contents inside my purse followed. Gum, pens, lip gloss, and of course, a tampon.

  “Shit,” Alex muttered, and bent down to gather the stray items.

  Good God, it was like one embarrassment after another. As his big body unfolded from a crouch, he handed me my things. Our hands brushed in the exchange and my nerve endings fired on all cylinders. This time, I felt the blush not only in my cheeks, but all the way down my neck.

  “Thank you,” I mumbled, and shoved it all back into my purse. Realizing the tampon was still at my feet, I quickly snatched it up and jammed it into the side pocket.

  “Don’t be embarrassed,” he said nonchalantly. “I mean, as far as I can tell, you are a woman.” His eyes slid down my body and back up, lingering a tad longer than acceptable on my breasts. I cleared my throat to get his attention.

  His cheeks reddened.

  Busted.

  Still, I couldn’t stop my mind from wondering what it would feel like if his hands had followed that gaze. Being on me. Rubbing, pulling, his strong fingers kneading my breasts as he kissed me. I closed my eyes and used every bit of willpower to not let out the groan building deep in my throat.

  “You going to be all right there, Lizzie?” I opened my eyes at his question just in time to see him stuff his wallet into his back pocket.

  “Wait, did you just…” I paused, pointing from him to Delores and back again.

  “Honey, when the good-looking single cop in town buys you lunch, you say ‘thank you’ and sit and eat with the man. Not bumble over your words or pull that women’s lib crap about paying your own way. Don’t know what all the fuss is about these days.” She turned to stick the order through the window to the cook. “Go. Both of you. Sit down. We aren’t that busy, but I’m tired of standing here watching you two ogle one another. It’s worse than watching a couple of teenagers. Y’all are the most awkward people I’ve ever seen. Now, I’ve got to get the next order, so I’ll bring your food out when it’s ready.”