Heaven

by Alexandra Adornetto

  A storm was raging and Xavier was standing rain-soaked in the middle of it. He was looking down on the churning ocean from a great height. I squinted at his surroundings and recognized the familiar landmark of the Crags. He stood on the very spot where I’d stood to when I revealed myself to him. The waves bashed relentlessly against the rocky boulders below and heaved the little boats moored at the dock like marshmallows. Xavier seemed mesmerized by the steep drop. The expression on his face told me he no longer cared what happened to him. He was leaning forward, the rain lashing at him like tiny arrows.

  He reached into the inside pocket of his shirt and withdrew a clenched fist. Somehow I knew what was inside before he opened his hand. A perfect white feather, tipped with pink sat in his palm. It was the feather I’d left behind in his car after our first date, the one he had kept as a prized possession all this time. I willed him to return it to the safety of his pocket. It was all he had left of me. Instead he stretched out his hand and offered it to the elements. Within seconds the rain destroyed its shape and harsh winds snatched it away. I saw it spiral downward. Xavier followed it with his eyes, tilting further forward.

  My breath caught in my throat when Xavier turned into a blurry outline. Then I realized it was only because a mass of clouds had scudded past and blocked out the moon. When it reappeared, I saw he had shifted position. He was now standing right on the very edge of the cliff. His boots dislodged loose stones and sent them hurtling into the void below.

  My chest clenched in panic. Surely, he wouldn’t jump! The storm raged around him, the wind pummeling his chest. The slightest movement in the wrong direction could be fatal.

  “Don’t,” I whispered. “Wait for me.” Then I looked imploringly at Joseph. “Do it, now.”

  “There’s one last thing before you go.” He spoke quickly, sensing the urgency. “You must swear a solemn oath while you are still in your celestial form. In the event that you survive and wake up human, will you do everything in your power to contribute to the betterment of humankind and the glory of God?”

  “Of course,” I cried. “I swear!” I didn’t even need to think about it. “I swear on Xavier’s life. Now do it!”

  * * *

  AT first there was nothing but a mild, prickling heat, as if my wings had gotten sunburned. Then the whole amphitheater flooded with blinding light. It blasted out of the shiny glass surface and the beams streamed around us in a mad dance.

  Joseph was right. I felt no pain, only oneness with the light. It consumed me. I felt it penetrate every cell and flush it with new life. My mind struggled to comprehend what was happening to me. There was a sudden creaking sound that sounded so sickening it made me want to change my mind. It was a deep shuddering groan like a cavernous cry of a whale. I opened my eyes for a second and caught sight of Joseph wielding a red-hot blade. There was time to give voice only to one last thought before my entire being as I knew it shattered. I summoned the strength to scream it aloud, hoping it would resound through time and space.

  “Xavier … I’m coming!”

  33

  Metamorphosis

  TIME froze seconds before Joseph’s blade struck. The amphitheater filled with children. I could hear them whispering even though their faces remained frozen. I knew instantly who they were; the souls of every child I’d helped transition into Heaven during my time as a guardian. They had come to say good-bye. They were murmuring words of encouragement. Be strong. Do not be afraid. Follow your heart and you cannot fail. They had faith in me.

  I wanted to thank them, but there wasn’t time—everything happened so quickly. I felt a blistering heat on my back and then I was looking at the amphitheater from the outside. I watched my body slump forward, motionless. Joseph and the children blurred like an old photograph. The glass pillars shattered around me. I wasn’t a solid entity anymore but instead a million tiny fragments spiraling through space. I tried holding my breath to steel myself but there wasn’t any breath to hold. There was no pain either, just as Joseph had promised.

  On the journey, I caught flashes of Heaven’s ineffable beauty. I passed a waterfall cascading like liquid crystal. I passed a still blue pool with lilies floating on its surface in an explosion of colors I couldn’t name. I passed an ancient tree garlanded with flowers and rooms filled with thrones so resplendent it made me wonder why I ever wanted to leave.

  But they all melted like frosting in the sun when Xavier’s face drifted into view. I remembered everything we’d shared up until now and how we’d fought tooth and nail for the right to be together. I needed to return in time to stop him from making the biggest mistake of his life. I vowed a lifetime of service to God if He would only keep Xavier safe until I got there. Even if I hadn’t been the most exemplary of angels, I knew my Father would provide. He would not turn His back on us. But even in my disembodied state, I felt a bolt of panic rush through me. What if I was already too late? What if I came back to find Xavier was already gone, lost in a desperate bid to join me? All our efforts would have been in vain. I would be trapped on earth without him, doomed to a life of loneliness and solitude. Eventually, Xavier would end up in Heaven, but I would never find him. There were millions of realms and he would be hidden from me forever.

  But I couldn’t focus on that now. I had to keep it together. Getting back in one piece was my first objective. What happened once I got back was out of my control. But Xavier and I would work it out together, like we always did. My thoughts turned to Gabriel and Ivy. What would they think of me now? Would they even still consider me their sister?

  When Joseph had agreed to help me, I’d imagined myself being zapped back to earth at the speed of light. I never expected the journey would take so long. Just when I thought it would never end, shapes began to appear in the void of space. I could make out vast expanses of green and jagged mountain ranges—it was like looking at a topographical map from above. The speed at which I was hurtling through space began to slow and I too took shape. The scattered particles of my old self reconfigured. I noticed my limbs begin to reappear as shimmering outlines. Surely the wait was almost over. I was about to be reunited with Xavier.

  I landed on my knees in soft grass on the outskirts of a lush garden.

  A flaming sword guarded its entrance, rotating to cover all four of the earth’s directions. I knew instinctively where I was because it was the picture of perfection. Vivid skies stretched above me, blooms drenched the air in perfume, and ripe fruit weighed down the branches of trees. In the garden’s center stood the most magnificent of all the trees, its knotted boughs stretching toward me like a hundred arms, its fruit twinkling like rosy globes. Why was I being shown this now? Just as the question formed in my mind, the answer came without any effort on my part. This place marked a crossroad in my journey. I could still change my mind. Behind me lay the eternal peace of Heaven if I wanted it. The column of light that had carried me still hovered, awaiting my decision. If I turned away from it, my old life would be gone forever and nothing would ever be simple or straightforward again. A mortal life with all its trials lay ahead: a hard and stony road but not without rewards. I took a last look at the light receding into the milky atmosphere, then stood shakily and took my first tentative steps toward the garden. Then everything went dark.

  * * *

  I woke in blinding pain. I knew I was on the beach because I could hear the swell of the ocean and taste salt on my cracked lips. My hair fanned around me like tangled seaweed. My angelic clothing was gone. I was wearing a flimsy white dress, ragged and dirty from the journey. I felt something strange obstructing my vision and realized my face and arms were covered in a filmy mesh like a cocoon. I could feel it already dissolving in the salty water. I wanted to tear the rest away with my nails but even the slightest movement caused such stabbing pain that I was forced to lie completely still. This was no superficial pain … it was bone deep, like all my muscles and bones were trying to knit together after extensive surgery. I felt like clay waiting to
be fired, my muscles still fluid and my blood not yet warm. I felt at any moment I could dissolve into the wet sand. The only thing I knew for sure was that everything about me had changed.

  I struggled to open my eyes. When I did, I saw something shimmering on the water like gold paint. It was angel blood … my blood. How much had I lost? Was I going to have the strength to walk? Was this the paralytic state Joseph had warned me about? I didn’t know what came next. Suddenly I realized how my urgency had left me unprepared. I’d been in such a hurry to leave Heaven that I hadn’t even asked Joseph what I should do if I made it back. I hadn’t anticipated a welcome party but I wasn’t expecting to face this alone. And now the beach was deserted. The night was too cold for anyone to be out. How long would I have to wait before someone found me? I felt my chest begin to heave involuntarily as broken sobs ripped through me. But every intake of air felt like I was inhaling fire.

  After a while I calmed down enough to think about my options. As far as I could tell, there were only two. Wait for someone to find me, or try to summon the strength to make my way to a place where I was sure to draw attention. Neither appealed. I tried moving my fingers but they felt as stiff as the driftwood I saw lying around me. I tried summoning my angelic powers and then realized how foolish I was. I had snipped the wires, cut myself off at the source. I couldn’t help myself now—I was completely human.

  And then a thought occurred to me. Did this mean I had made it? I had done the unthinkable and survived the metamorphosis? I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  Above me rose the majestic Crags, the moonlight shrouding them in a silver mantle. I craned my head as far as I could before crying out in pain. I scoured the pinnacles, outlined against the backdrop of sky like jagged towers. Relief washed over me. There was no one standing up there. It could only mean Xavier had come to his senses and gone home. I had to believe he was safe. Surely I’d sense if his body was lying broken on the rocks below. I could hear his heart beating in my head. I could almost smell the crisp pine scent of his cologne. Xavier was alive and he wasn’t far away.

  I heard laughter and froze. Out of nowhere a group of teenagers appeared on the beach. I felt suddenly self-conscious. How would I explain my current state? Some of the voices sounded familiar even though they were slurred by alcohol. From where I lay they were still only dark smudges but I could see their coat collars were turned up against the wind. Some still carried bottles in their hands. As they drew closer the night air carried their voices so I could hear their conversation clearly.

  “That party sucked. Remind me never to go to a Beta event again,” said a girl I didn’t recognize.

  “Hey, I was having fun.”

  I knew the boy who answered. It was Wesley, one of Xavier’s closest friends before we’d been forced to flee Venus Cove. What was he doing back home? I vaguely remembered hearing that he went to Stanford to study engineering. His presence here must mean college was out on semester break. How much time had passed? How much had I missed?

  “Fun playing beer pong?” the girl snorted. “That game is disgusting.”

  “You’re just pissed because Colt spent the night making out with someone else.”

  “As if! I couldn’t give a crap about Colt. He obviously has no class if he likes someone as cheap as Anna-Louise.”

  “Whose idea was this anyway? It’s cold as hell out here.”

  “Hey, where’d Molly go? Wasn’t she right behind us?” My ears pricked up at the mention of her name. Molly was here?

  “Maybe she changed her mind,” the girl replied, sounding like she couldn’t care less.

  “I better head back to check on her,” said Wesley.

  “Man, are you still stuck on her?” slurred his friend. “You gotta know that girl’s outta your league.”

  “Shut up, Cooper. I’m not stuck on anyone. Just trying to be a good friend.”

  Someone diplomatically changed the subject. “I thought Xavier was coming tonight.”

  “Yeah, right. He never hangs out with us anymore,” said the boy named Cooper.

  “Give him a break; he’s got a lot going on right now,” said Wes.

  “A lot going on?” echoed his friend. “That kid’s got more problems than a math book.”

  “That’s an understatement,” said the unknown girl. “It’s his own fault. You make your bed, you gotta lie in it, that’s what my granddaddy always said. That’s what you get for falling for an outsider.”

  “You’re an idiot, Leah,” Molly’s voice rang out like a bell. “What would you know about Xavier and what he’s been through? Do you even know him?” Leah jumped as if she’d been caught. Molly’s authority on the subject made her uncomfortable.

  “Not personally, but I’ve heard stuff.”

  “Yeah, gossip isn’t such a reliable source of information.” I felt proud of Molly for defending Xavier. I would have hugged her if I could.

  “Relax, I’m not hating on him. I just think he needs to get back out there.”

  “He will when he’s ready,” Molly said sharply.

  “I’m going back to the party,” Wesley announced suddenly, cutting short the conversation about Xavier. I couldn’t help feeling the topic was still raw for him. “Y’all do what you want.”

  Grumblings of displeasure followed but they all turned back and their voices began to wane. With a sudden urgency, I lifted my head and called out Molly’s name. It came out as a cracked whisper; there was no chance she could hear me. Having her so close and yet out of reach was the last straw. I lost all motivation. The will to survive deserted me and I felt like the butt of Heaven’s cruel joke. There was no point fighting for something the universe didn’t want to happen. Xavier and I had been doomed from the beginning. They had let me come this far, teased me with the dream of a fresh start, and then snatched it away. I guess this was how my story was meant to end. I was too tired to be angry. Instead I was thankful that I’d made it back at all. If my life was going to end, at least it was in a place I loved. With acceptance came a numb peace. Even the pain started to subside. All I wanted now was the oblivion of sleep.

  * * *

  MY eyes fluttered open and I saw a woman wearing an old-fashioned nightdress looking down on me. For a moment I thought I was back in Heaven but then I realized nothing else about my surroundings had changed. The woman smiled. She wore a fringed shawl and her silver hair streamed over her shoulders. I knew she wasn’t real because I could see right through her. She looked vaguely familiar. Memories of her flashed through my brain: a woman on a bench saying good-bye to her beloved dog, the metal beds and disinfected air of a retirement home, a ghostly figure at my bedroom window.

  “Alice?” I croaked. “What are you doing here?”

  “I’ve come to help you, dear.” She sounded like something out of a fairy tale. “You’ve come this far. You can’t give up now. I won’t let you.”

  “Why didn’t I ever see you in Heaven?” I asked.

  “You weren’t exactly allowed to have visitors,” she replied.

  “Eve…” I recalled my lockdown in the white room. My voice was full of bitterness when I said her name.

  “It doesn’t matter now,” Alice said gently. “You’ve come back. I knew you would.”

  “Hasn’t done me much good. I think I’m dying, Alice.”

  “Don’t talk nonsense. You have to get up now.”

  “I can’t. It hurts too much. I just want to sleep.”

  “You can sleep as long as you like once you’re home. Now, come along. I’ll help you through this.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Xavier is waiting for you.”

  The sound of his name spoken aloud stirred something inside me.

  “He is?”

  “Of course, dear. He’s been waiting awhile. But you’re going to have to pull yourself together if you want to see him. I know he very much wants to see you.”

  And that was all the incentive I needed. Alice knew exactly which
buttons to press. I concentrated hard and hauled myself onto my knees. I managed it better than I expected, but it still took a colossal effort before I made it to my feet.

  “Slowly,” cautioned Alice. “One step at a time.” I heeded her advice and waited a moment before taking a step forward. I was like a child taking my first tentative steps. I turned to Alice, looking for approval, but there was no one there. She was gone. The rest would be up to me. Inch by inch, I made my way along the beach, spurred on only by the thought of Xavier waiting for me.

  At the pier, I found a trucker sitting outside Greasy Joe’s—Venus Cove’s only all-night diner. He seemed startled to see me even though he was the one with sleeves of tattoos.

  “Hey there, darlin’,” he said uncertainly. “You need some help?”

  “I’m trying to get home.”

  “Rough night?” I could tell he’d concluded that illegal substances must be responsible for my state. I nodded. It was easier to let him think that than try to explain any other way.

  “How about we stop by the hospital first—get you checked out?”

  “Please, I just need to get home and sleep it off. My brother will take care of me. He lives just near here.”

  The mention of a brother had the desired effect. His face relaxed a little—now that he was relieved of responsibility.

  “Alright, lead the way,” he said, tossing the remnants of his burger into the trash. He took my elbow and helped me climb into the passenger seat of his truck. Empty soda cans and wrappers littered the floor. There was the lingering smell of fries coupled with cracked leather and tobacco. It didn’t help how I was feeling. Now I could add sickening waves of nausea to my list of symptoms. I wound down the window and let the crisp night air in. It helped fight back the urge to retch even though I knew there was nothing in my stomach.