Ryder's Boys

by Cody Ryder

  The next morning, Dakota cooked us breakfast. His chickens had laid some eggs, and so he made omelets with eggplant, onion, zucchini and garlic. We smiled across the table at each other not saying much but I was sure both had the same thing on our minds. What was going to happen today?

  What was Alicia going to say to me?

  I was Dakota’s. I was certain that nothing would change that, but a flurry of different scenarios still surged through my mind.

  After breakfast, we made love, and then hung out in the garden until it was time for me to drive down to the coffee shop. I kissed him goodbye inside the greenhouse where we were tending to the new growths, and it felt oddly like I was leaving off to war or something.

  “I’ll be right back,” I said.

  “See you,” he smiled.

  Rosie lay on the dirt with her chin resting on her paws, and she looked up at us with concerned eyes that seemed to reveal a perceptive awareness of the whole situation.

  I walked down the path through the garden going back to the house, and took one more look back at the greenhouse. Dakota’s back was turned to me as he worked on transplanting some of the seedlings into larger planters. He looked smaller than normal.

  “I’ll be back,” I whispered. “Don’t worry, Dakota. Nothing is going to change.”

  The coffee shop was only about a five-minute drive from Dakota’s house, right on Powlton’s main street and next door to our only bowling alley and movie theater, but it felt like it took me forever to get there. My stomach churned along with my mind. All the unanswered questions and unresolved frustrations and anger I’d felt were coming back and twisting me up into knots. I needed to be calm.

  I pulled into the shopping plaza and parked my car, taking a moment to try to center myself. I didn’t want to see her. Suddenly, I began to think that nothing good was going to come out of this, that I’d learn and gain nothing except for more conflict. I just wanted to go back to Dakota…

  But I knew he was right.

  It all had to be settled now.

  I took a deep breath, unbuckled my seatbelt, and got out of the car.

  I spotted her sitting at one of the tables outside of the shop, a white paper cup of coffee in front of her. She had gotten a tittle tanned, and her long blonde hair had been cut into a short bob. She was looking out at the parking lot, and when she spotted me, she put on a bright smile and stood up. I smiled back politely.

  “Hi,” she said as I came up to her.

  “Hey, Alicia,” I said, and for an awkward moment I didn’t know how to greet her. I decide on a handshake, but she instead went in for a hug, and so I stood there with my hand extended as she embraced me. It was strange to feel her there, the light smell of her hair drifting up to me, the way her fingers felt against my back… and yet I felt nothing—except another swell of irritation. I didn’t want to be here, being cordial with her. I wished she was still in South America and had dropped off the face of the earth. Did she even know what she had done to me?

  She pointed her thumb at the front door of the shop. “You want to a coffee? Or are you hungry? I can get you something…”

  “No, I’m okay. Shall we sit down?”

  “Okay, yeah.”

  We both took chairs around the table, and Alicia sipped on her coffee and brushed her hair behind her ear. She definitely looked nervous and flustered. Surprisingly, I felt calm.

  “You cut your hair,” I said. “It looks good.”

  “Oh, thanks,” she smiled. “Yeah, I decided to get it lopped off while I was in Korea.”

  “Korea?”

  “Oh, yeah. I went to Korea after touring around South America. All over Asia, actually. Japan, Hong Kong, and then over to Thailand…” Her expression perked up as she talked, but honestly, I wasn’t very interested in hearing about her travels.

  “Oh? So, did you find what you were looking for?”

  She settled back down into the chair, catching my disregard for her enthusiasm. She looked away. “Look, Roy… I’m sorry. I know nothing I say can reverse all that’s happened, but I wanted to tell you that I’m sorry.” When she looked back at me, I was surprised to see that she was crying. Alicia was like me—she didn’t cry easily, so I knew she really felt what she was saying.

  “You came here to tell me you’re sorry,” I said.

  “I’m sorry because I know what I did to you. I know how selfish that was, and how much it hurt you. And… and I think I made a huge mistake.”

  My heart was pounding. Of course I’d imagined all sorts of scenarios for what she was going to say to me, but I still was surprised to hear the words coming from her mouth. I waited for her to continue.

  “Because I thought I hadn’t had a chance to live my life yet. I thought I needed to be alone to do that, to go around on adventures…I don’t know. I had all these ideas—stupid, naïve ideas. I guess I wasn’t completely satisfied with myself, and I looked at these girls online who were travelling and free and I was about to get married, and… God, I don’t know. I thought I’d find an answer, but it never came. The only thing that I seemed to get was this growing fear that I’d fucked up big time.”

  She sniffed and brought out a packet of tissues to wipe the tears that were streaming down her cheeks.

  “I’m sorry, Roy. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I wish that I’d—” Her voice dropped, thick with emotion. “—that I’d never left.” She hung her head and sobbed, the tears dropping down and dotting her jeans.

  I felt a shift in my heart, hearing her say those words to me. It was gentle and slight, but it was there, like the smallest bit of ice thawing itself out.

  “You’re right,” I told her. “You hurt me, Alicia. I don’t know if you’ll ever really know how much. Back then, I thought we’d be together forever, you know? I thought that you becoming my fiancée was a bond that couldn’t be broken, so when you broke that promise, it broke something in me.

  She looked up at me, her eyes red with tears, and I continued.

  “But I now know that it was something that needed to be broken. All these months later, I finally was able to see that. You weren’t wrong to leave, Alicia. It was the right choice for you, and for me. Especially for me.”

  She looked surprised. “It was?”

  “Yeah. It was. Because now I know how much I still needed to grow as a person. I couldn’t have without that.”

  “Oh…”

  It was strange—just a few minutes ago I was completely stewing with bitterness and all the harsh feelings I’d felt over the past months, but now, all of that had completely evaporated. I actually saw her differently. She was no longer the girl who broke my heart and denied my love—she was just Alicia. Now, instead of remembering the bitter memories, or even the good ones from when we were together, I only remembered the reasons why I had loved her in the first place. She was a good person, a caring person, who really was one of the best people I’d ever known. She still was those things.

  “That was my trial,” I said. “And to be honest, I’ve only just passed it. But it helped me to reevaluate what’s important in my life, and what I really want for myself. If you still don’t know, if you never got an answer, then you need to keep looking. We weren’t meant for each other, Alicia. I think you know that. Even if you’re confused right now, and wishing for things to go back to the way they were, I think deep down you know that we’re not meant to be together.”

  Her eyes seemed a little clearer now, and she took out another tissue and dabbed them. “Have you found someone?” she asked quietly.

  I nodded. “Yeah. Re-discovered, actually.”

  She smiled and nodded.

  “Look,” I continued. “You’re still in your trial, Alicia. You can’t give up. You have to keep searching for what you want in life. If you haven’t found it, you have to keep going.” I smiled, and then reached out and took her hand. “It’s weird to say, but…thank you. You were brave enough to follow your heart and trust yourself, even though we were
engaged. That’s no easy thing to do. But if you hadn’t, I think we both wouldn’t be very happy right now.”

  She gave me a sad smile. “I won’t lie, Roy, I’m not very happy right now anyway.”

  “But you will be. You just have to keep on going. I know you’ll find what you’re looking for eventually. And…I support you.”

  She lowered her head and squeezed my hand. “Thank you,” she said softly. When she looked up again, I could see a definite change in her eyes. They looked clear and confident now. “You’re right.”

  “I’m glad you came back to talk to me,” I said.

  “Me too,” she replied. “Can I ask…what her name is?”

  “Who’s name?”

  “The girl you’re in love with.”

  I cracked a smile and scratched my head sheepishly. “Actually…do you remember Dakota Heart? Maybe you wouldn’t, but I told you about him when we first started dating.”

  “Your old boyfriend?” She covered her mouth. “You’re back together?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I remember you telling me about him. You guys were really close in high school.”

  “We met each other again by chance. Everything that’s happened, I believe it was all meant to be. I know you’ll find that for yourself too.”

  She nodded quietly, thinking. “I’m happy for you.” Her voice was genuine, and her smile matched.

  I returned her genuine smile. “Thanks. Hey. You know, I could go for a coffee right now.”

  Her smile turned up brighter. “Great! I’ll buy.”

  We sat there and chatted for a while, filling each other in on our lives. It felt good to talk to her openly, as friends. The last bit of ice in my heart had thawed, and the rope that bound my chest had been cut and tossed aside.

  Suddenly, a loud bark sounded out from across the parking lot, and the both of us turned to look.

  “Whose dog is that?” Alicia asked, concerned. “Is it alone?”

  My jaw dropped. “Rosie?! No way.”

  It was Rosie. She barked again, her tail wagging furiously as she trotted over to greet us.

  “You know this dog?” Alicia asked, shocked.

  I crouched down and held my hands out to receive her, and Rosie happily licked my fingers and then my cheeks. “Rosie, what the hell are you doing all the way out here? Jesus. This is Dakota’s dog. She must’ve followed me all the way here.”

  I was amazed. Had she sensed my feelings when I left the greenhouse? Was she trying to protect me? Or was this just a coincidence? I’d never know, only that she was here—but from what I’d experienced with her, I somehow wouldn’t be surprised if she had come to take me home.

  “All the way out here? Oh my God!” Alicia held out the back of her hand to Rosie, who sniffed her cautiously, then finally decided she was okay and gave her a lick.

  “I’d better get her back home,” I said. “Dakota knows she goes out sometimes, but I don’t think she’s ever gone this far.”

  “Yeah.”

  Alicia walked with Rosie and me back to my car. When I opened the door, Rosie jumped into the passenger seat and sat patiently. Alicia and I gave each other a hug. “Good luck,” I told her.

  “Thank you, Roy,” she said. I could hear she was doing her best not to cry. “Really, thank you. I think I can move forward.”

  I waved goodbye as I pulled away, and gave one final glance in my mirror. She was there, her arms folded across her chest, her hands gripping elbows, and she gave one more wave. I reached over and stroked Rosie’s head.

  At that moment, I knew with unwavering certainty what I wanted for the future. With Alicia’s chapter in my life finally completely sealed in a way I could honestly have never imagined, I felt like I was me again. Not the same me from eight months ago, but a brand-new me. The me who had passed his trials and made it out on the other side.

  When I got back to Dakota’s house, I found the side gate open again and made my way through into the Heart Lifespring Gardens food forest. I felt a giddy happiness wash over me as I strolled through, and as I looked around at the dense lushness around me, I realized that this was the beginning of a new life.

  “You really need to keep those side gates locked,” I said, walking up to the hammocks.

  Dakota had his straw hat covering his face, and was napping in one of them. Rosie dashed forward and leapt up to join him, and he coughed in surprise as he caught her, the hat flinging off his face and onto the dirt. I picked up and dusted it off, and then put it on my head with a grin.

  “Was she at the neighbors again?” he asked apologetically.

  “She went all the way down to the coffee shop to get me,” I laughed.

  “Ro-sie!” Dakota scolded. “You could’ve gotten hit by a car.” She cocked her head at him, her tongue wagging out. He smiled at me. “But it sounds like she really thinks you belong her.”

  “I guess so.”

  He got up out of the hammock and came to me, and I could see the questions in his eyes.

  I drew my arms around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. “I love you,” I told him. “So much.”

  “I love you too,” he smiled back. “How’d it go?”

  “Why don’t we go grab one of your beers, and I’ll tell you.”

  So the two of us sat together in the lawn chairs out in the area that once was our high school make out spot, and I told him all about it. I told him that I wanted to be with him forever, that he was the love of my life, and that I knew without a doubt what my new purpose in life was.

  It was to start a family with him, and to continue the work he’d started with the Heart Lifespring Gardens by helping him bring health and healing to other people through this magical place—just as he’d done for me.

  Epilogue

  Four Years Later

  The last of the local news vans pulled away from the house, and Dakota and I stood out front and watched them go with a bit of exhausted relief. A few of the neighbors still stood out on their front lawns, wanting to get a view of the spectacle that was the mayor’s televised tour of Heart Lifespring Gardens. She had come with a team of landscape architects from the city to get a look at Dakota’s handiwork, which was being hailed as a “revolution in environmentally conscious living and home gardening”, and following behind was a reporter from just about every single local news station.

  Two of the nearby neighbors had already begun re-landscaping their backyards to begin growing food forests, and Dakota had started teaching seminars at the local adult school and community college on how to transform homes into naturally replenishing healthy food sources. I’d taken over as a kind of business manager for him and the garden, scheduling tours and seminars and a brand new website. We even had a book for sale. Yes, life had become very busy for the Heart family.

  “You were really good on camera,” I told my husband, giving him a playful tap on the butt as we walked to the side gate to go back into the garden. “The seminars have really helped your public speaking, huh?”

  “It helps when it’s something you’re passionate about,” he smiled, and slid his arm around my waist. A squeal of delight rang out from the garden, and a frazzled chicken burst out from a wild tangle of cucumber plants, chased close behind by our three-year-old daughter, Sunny, and a very excited Rosie, who was doing her best to play nanny. The chicken clucked and squawked and darted between Dakota’s legs, and as Sunny ran to follow after he reached down and swooped her up beneath her armpits and spun her around.

  “Daddy!” she giggled, and he kissed her on the cheek.

  “You’re gonna make that poor old chicken lay an egg, honey,” Dakota laughed.

  Rosie padded up to us and circled around our legs, looking up at Sunny with her tongue wagging happily from her mouth. I ruffled the fur on her head and gave her a scratch under her chin. “Is she wearing you out, Rosie?” I asked, and she answered by licking my palm.

  “Papa.”

  “Yes, Sunny?” I said.

>   “Today, Rosie and I found ‘matoes. Small, red ones. I picked it and gave it to grandpa.”

  “Oh, that’s great, sweetie! I bet he was happy. Did you get one for grandma too?”

  She nodded. “But gramma was inside. Lucas made a poopoo.” She stuffed a plump little hand into the pocket of her overalls, and pulled out a partially smashed tomato. “Oh,” she said, inspecting it.

  “Uh, oh,” Dakota said. “I don’t know if grandma will want that one.”

  “Want what one?”

  We turned and saw my mom walking up to us from the house with our baby son, Lucas, in her arms. Sunny held up the smashed tomato to her. “I picked it,” she said.