Hilariously Ever After

by Penny Reid

  I poke at it. Alex expels a heavy breath, and his hand twitches at his side. Being extra careful not to jostle Alex, I rearrange myself slowly so I’m cross-legged beside him. This time I gently run my fingertips along the length. The skin wrinkles as I go. This is the best.

  It’s equally fun to play with when it’s soft and sleepy as it is when it’s hard. Sliding my hand under the shaft, I close my palm around it. My fingers touch each other and he’s squishy, like a sea cucumber. Those creatures are a demonstration of God’s fixation with wieners.

  Alex starts to rouse, as does his monster cock. Soon he’ll wake and end my alone time with the MC. I stroke down; the wrinkly skin retracts and the head pops out. Stroking up, the entire head disappears. It’s like a game of peek-a-boo with a penis.

  Alex moans, and this time his pelvis lifts. He’s not fully conscious, so I lay his dick on his stomach. Then I take the foreskin covering the head and roll it to the tip. Pressing it together, I pretend it’s a mouth and move it around like it’s talking to me. A giggle bubbles up and bursts free. I try to hold it in, so it comes out my nose, sounding like a sneeze.

  I look up as Alex’s eyes flutter open. “What are you doing?”

  Hmm, well, that’s not quite the reaction I was hoping for. “I’m playing with the monster cock. Well, actually, I’m playing with his foreskin,” I say as if the MC is a person, not an appendage.

  I stop messing around and smooth out his turtleneck, stroking the shaft. Alex’s eyes close, and he releases a long, low groan. The monster cock grows perceptibly in my hand. Neato. I do it again. This time it twitches and grows some more. It’s fascinating to watch the skin stretch and smooth out until it is tight, moving fractionally with each stroke.

  As soon as Alex is fully erect I look up. Ooooh, judging from his expression, I’m getting lucky this morning. He shoves his boxers down his legs and kicks them off while I lose my shirt. We’re both gloriously naked. He cups the back of my neck and pulls me to him.

  I turn my head so he meets my jaw instead of my lips. I can taste the sourness of sleep in my mouth. It’s not sexy at all.

  “Give me a minute.” I slip out of his grasp, intent on getting to the bathroom before he unleashes the beast on me. I’m no match for his speed, even half-asleep. Alex’s arm locks around my waist, and I find myself stomach-down on the bed, his body covering mine. He’s a quick fucker. Not literally. He takes his time with the important stuff.

  His now-raging hard-on rests against the small of my back and—oh God, there’s no way in hell—it’s right there, between my ass cheeks. Sliding and . . . huh, it doesn’t feel bad at all. Regardless, the MC will never fit in there.

  The connection between my mouth and brain are faulty, as usual, and I shout, “Exit only! It’s exit only!”

  Oh. My. God. How mortifying is this?

  Alex freezes and then laughs.

  “That’s not a first sleepover kind of activity.”

  “Wait! What?” I wish I sounded less like a prepubescent boy with his balls caught in a zipper.

  “I’m kidding, Violet. I may have thought about it, but it’s not like I could accidently slip it in there.”

  My ass cheeks clench in defiance as he passes door number two. “You’ve thought about it?” No one has ever so much as grazed my Hole That Shall Not Be Penetrated.

  This may not be the best time for such discussions. The tip of Alex’s cock is currently pressing up against the Hole That Shall Be Penetrated Very Soon, and I’m delaying progress by talking about things that will never happen.

  “Thinking and doing are very different, Violet.” His hand slips between the sheet and my body. He circles my clit, then moving lower, he pushes two fingers inside and pumps slowly, his erection bumping against his hand.

  His fingers disappear only to be replaced by my favorite appendage. I think I might lose my mind as he eases inside; this position is like hurtling myself into Stimulation Station.

  My moaning starts up full force. It’s high-pitched, like a cat in heat, so I bury my face in the sheets. Alex’s chest is against my back, his legs on either side of mine, keeping them pressed tightly together.

  “Is it okay?”

  I whimper because it is the only sound I can make. I feel so full. Fuller than I’ve ever been. Every stroke is magnified—divine.

  “Is it too much, baby?”

  Oh God, he’s calling me baby. I might come on the spot. He’s unmoving except for his lips against my shoulder. The bones at his hips press against my ass. His breath caresses my cheek, and I feel the slight tremor in his body as he holds his weight above me.

  “Not too much. It’s so good.” I grip the sheets beside my head. Alex’s hands cover mine.

  “You ready for me?”

  I’ve been ready since I woke up and shared private time with the monster cock. “Please. Yes.”

  He starts to move, and the head of his cock hits the spot. The so good turns into damn well fabulous. I can’t believe I doubted the existence of the elusive spot. It’s magically orgasmic. The word vomit won’t stop, so I keep my face mashed into the sheets. Only the pillow hears how good it feels, repeatedly.

  It’s one of those positions where I’m right on the cusp of release. My inability to move or get to my orgasm switch prevents me from reaching the target. Alex must be psychic, or it’s possible he can tell by the pitch and frequency of my moans I’m getting close. He nudges my knees apart, urging me onto all fours.

  If I was close to an orgasm before, it’s nothing compared to what I’m feeling now. Alex pops my hips out, changing the angle. His palm settles on the base of my spine, and he smoothes a path to the nape of my neck as his hips meet my ass.

  “How’s this, baby?”

  My wordless noise seems to be a sufficient answer. The beaver button is on red alert. His hand strokes along my side, moving over my hip and lower to tease sensitive skin. I’ve been straddling the line since we started. He rubs my clit at the same time as he thrusts again. I’m done for; I explode into a shuddering, moaning mess.

  “That’s right, you come for me,” he says as though he’s scored a goal. I suppose he has. Or I have, or he’s scored the goal for me. Any way you look at it, a goal has been scored thanks to the skills of his monster cock and those nimble fingers of his.

  I take control of the bean flicking, aware if I keep the pressure on I might come again. I’m stockpiling Alex-induced orgasms for beaver slapping material when he’s away.

  This time Alex goes over the edge right after me. He collapses onto his side, taking me with him. He’s sweaty, but I’m too languid to mind. Besides, it’s a testament to how hard he worked to get me off. Twice.

  We lie there for a few minutes, basking in the afterglow.

  “What do you want for breakfast? Should we stop on the way to your work?”

  At the mention of food, my stomach growls as if it has a wild boar hibernating inside. While this particular round of sex wasn’t taxing for me aside from the orgasms, I’m hungry.

  “What were you thinking?” I would give my left nipple for a bowl of Cookie Crisp or even those chocolate peanut butter Pop-Tarts. On the other hand, a couple of Krispy Kreme donuts would hit the spot, too.

  “There’s an awesome buffet not far from here.” Of course the hockey player wants unlimited food options.

  Watching him eat a meal unhindered by things such as portion sizes would be entertaining, I’m sure.

  “As amazing as it sounds, a buffet will probably make me late for work.”

  “I can make you something quick. I don’t have a whole lot since I’ll be gone for the next couple of weeks.”

  “I like almost anything.” I stand and stretch, stiff from all the sexing. “Do you have Pop-Tarts?”

  “Uh, no. I don’t eat Pop-Tarts during the season.”

  Alex fondles my boobs. Then he does the nuzzle thing. I scratch my nails up and down his back and press my nose into his hair while he has a silent love affair
with them.

  “I’m good with cereal,” I reply, breathless. He pouts when I pick up his shirt from the floor and put it on. The rest of my clothes are in the laundry room. The shirt is long enough to cover all the important bits.

  “I have boxer briefs you can wear.” Alex’s half-limp cock bobs and swings in all its snuffie glory as he crosses to his dresser. Penises are interesting. Particularly his.

  He roots through the top drawer and grabs two pairs of boxer briefs. One he tosses to me, the other he steps into. I don’t take my eyes off him as he pulls them up his legs and tucks himself in. The boxer briefs he gives me are men’s large with a cartoon print on them. They fall off as soon as I let go. It appears I’m staying pantsless for now.

  Alex tilts his head as the boxers pool at my feet. “I guess you need a smaller size, eh?”

  “It appears so.”

  Alex doesn’t put on any additional clothing, which is fine by me. I’m more than happy to get in some extra ogle time.

  Once in the kitchen, I take the liberty of browsing his cabinets. Everything is whole grain. It’s very disappointing.

  “What are you looking for?”

  I open what appears to be a pantry cabinet. “Cookie Crisp, Fruit Loops, even Honey Nut Cheerios would be okay.” Other than oatmeal, nothing remotely resembles breakfast food. A plethora of garbanzo beans, various pastas, sauces, and other healthy, un-fun foods awaits.

  “I don’t think I have any of those.”

  “Not even Honey Nut Cheerios? Frosted Mini-Wheats? Either would do in a pinch. Or Eggo waffles.”

  “Uh, no, none of those, either.”

  He opens the fridge, rifles around, and holds up a container that looks like cream. “I make a pretty mean omelet.”

  Upon closer inspection, it appears to be liquid egg product. I stand behind him while he gathers various items and sets them on the counter. His fridge, much like his cabinets, is full of healthy stuff. Even his jam is made of real fruit. The last item he retrieves happens to be a new jug of orange juice. It isn’t from concentrate, either. It’s fresh squeezed and super pulpy.

  I haven’t agreed to the omelet yet, still in search of something better—preferably with high quantities of sugar. Alex, however, already has the frying pan out. The last cabinet I try contains Alex’s candy stash. It’s pathetic at best, consisting of two chocolate bars—both the extra dark, bitter variety—and a bag of Swedish Fish.

  I hoist myself onto the counter and shiver as my bare bottom hits the granite. I cross my legs to keep my bits under wraps and tear the bag open.

  “Swedish Fish for breakfast?”

  I ignore his look of disgust and pop a green one into my mouth, relishing the wonderful, artificial, sugary flavor. “Aren’t you making an omelet? What’s this?” I point at the white gelatinous mixture in the frying pan.

  “It’s an egg-white omelet. It’s healthy and it tastes good.” Alex reaches around me for a container. He pops the lid and dumps a load of precooked veggies on top of the snotty looking egg whites. I question whether it’s possible for it to taste good.

  “Where’s the bacon? All I see are veggies. Bacon is imperative, or at the very least you should have ham for it to qualify as an omelet. Does it even have cheese? And what’s with whites only? The yolk is the best part.”

  I’m trying to get under his skin. I don’t honestly feel this way; he’s obviously one of those healthy eaters. Aside from his love of chocolate dessert indulgences. Maybe I can irritate him enough to take me on the counter. That would be more fun than making omelets.

  Alex pulls a container of shredded cheese from the fridge and sprinkles a generous amount on top of the veggies, as well as a variety of fresh herbs. While the omelet cooks, he pours two glasses of his expensive orange juice and passes me one. “Egg whites are full of protein.”

  “So is jizz. You don’t see me harvesting yours so I can drink a glass of it.”

  Alex is mid orange juice sip; he sprays me and his omelet. At least I’m not wearing my own clothes.

  His shock is awesome. He wipes his chin with a dishtowel. “Jesus, Violet.”

  “What? It’s true, isn’t it? Your hair grows a million times faster if you swallow instead of spit on a regular basis.”

  “I’d be interested to take part in your research study.” Alex puts down his glass, grabs the spatula, and folds the omelet neatly in half. It resembles a huge smile. The pan he’s cooked it in is gigantic. He cuts it in half and offers me a plate.

  I hold up the bag of artificially colored, flavored and sweetened fish. “I’m good.”

  “After the workout you had last night and this morning, you need more than sugar for breakfast.”

  “It’s not like I ran a marathon or anything.”

  “Mmm. No. Sex with you is far more enjoyable.”

  Alex cuts off a bite and lifts it to my mouth. “Try it. I promise you’ll like it.”

  I relent, only because he’s put the effort in and it doesn’t smell bad. Surprisingly, it’s rather tasty. I suspect the fresh basil and sharp cheddar have something to do with it, and whatever else was in those veggies. I polish off what’s on my plate and check the time. If I don’t get a move on, I’m going to be late for work.

  In the laundry room, Alex hands me my clothing piece by piece and watches me dress. By the time I’m fully clothed, he’s sporting a massive woody. He dons the shirt I slept in and throws on a pair of sweats—through which the MC is highly visible. Even dressed down, he manages to look smoking hot. I look homeless in sweats.

  I was smart enough not to bring my work stuff home last night, so Alex takes me straight to the office. The ride is short, and I’m nervous about the end of the first date good-bye. It’s silly; we’ve had a sleepover, but he’ll be gone for two weeks, so all this giddy excitement could wane. Especially if some other puck bunny catches his eye while he’s on the road.

  He stops in front of my building. I’m a few minutes early, thanks to his speedy, albeit safe, driving. Alex puts the car in park and turns to me, his arm slung across my seat. “I had a great time last night, and this morning.”

  “Me, too.”

  “Can I call you later? After I get to the hotel?”

  “If you want.”

  “Definitely. I can’t wait to get back so I can take you out again.”

  “And I’ll get to drive your car?” I’m trying to be nonchalant, but there’s this unsettling feeling in my stomach. I don’t think it’s because of the egg white omelet, either. I really like him. More than I want to.

  “We’ll discuss the car later. I still think you cheated.”

  Alex goes in for a kiss. He cops a feel while he’s at it, so I give the monster cock a squeeze and a pet. It’s going to be a long fourteen days.

  Charlene is waiting for me in my cubicle.

  She has cinnamon rolls. They’re meant as bribery. She wants details. Extensive ones. I pick the biggest cinnamon roll with the most icing and take a huge bite.

  “So? How was your date?”

  With a mouth full of cinnamon roll, I reply, “Fine. He took me out for dinner. It was nice.”

  “Nice?”

  “The food was excellent.”

  “Violet, I don’t give a shit about the food. I’m guessing it was way better than nice since you’re wearing the same clothes from last night.”

  “What? How would you—”

  “You’d never wear heels like that to work.”

  I sigh with relief.

  “And then there are these.” She holds out her phone.

  I’m greeted by pictures of Alex and me at the restaurant on some Internet gossip site. They’re innocent, unlike the mouth fucking ones from our previous encounter.

  My phone buzzes, distracting me from my internal freak-out. It’s Alex.

  I can smell you all over me.

  Oh, God. His shirt smelled like sex after I was done with it. How am I supposed to function for the next two weeks without his monst
er cock?

  Sign me up for Alex Waters Anonymous. I officially have a problem.

  Chapter 14

  SOMETIMES MY NEUROSES PISS ME OFF

  Violet

  Over the next week, Alex sends me cute texts interspersed with dirty ones. Time zone differences make it difficult to talk on the phone. Our schedules don’t mesh; between flights and being on the road, our conversations are not private and therefore brief.

  Buck hasn’t sent any angry yeti messages about my date with Alex, so I assume he’s either unaware or he doesn’t care. My mother’s a different story. She attempts to glean as much information as she can about the date-turned-sleepover. She even asks if the rumors are true. I refuse to answer because those aren’t details I’m going to share with my mother. However, my inability to sit without wincing for the first couple of days afterward is fairly telling.

  Despite the lack of opportunity to talk, Alex sends me flowers and treats incessantly. The flower dude has shown up twice in the first week with new bouquets. Between deliveries, the FedEx guy drops off packages. Most of the time, I get them before my mom intercepts. Sometimes I’m not so lucky. Despite the flowers and Alex’s attentiveness, anxiety has managed to creep in and set up shop. Sexing it up with him, while fun, may not have been the smartest idea now that he’s going to be gone for an extended period of time.

  The lag time between our last date and the next is too far apart. Flowers, texts, and emails aside, all it takes is one too many post-win beers and a slutty puck bunny to ruin it all.

  Charlene and I go out for an after work bevvy at the end of week one without Alex. The wall of televisions by the bar shows the hockey game. Chicago isn’t playing, so I’m not as invested in watching. Last night was a different story. Chicago took down Los Angeles in a stunning show of skill and mastery.

  The only message I’ve received from Alex since then is a nonsensical drunken text. As a result, I’ve been on edge all day. A tabloid magazine and a well-read newspaper taunt me from the empty table beside us.