Hilariously Ever After

by Penny Reid

  He tilts my chin up and brushes his lips over mine. “You’re here aren’t you? I invited you. I want to be with you.”

  “So I am forgiven?”

  He grins. “Mostly.”

  “Mostly?” My heart squeezes. I want to be totally forgiven.

  He brushes my hair over my shoulder. It seems like a tender gesture until I realize he’s looking down my top. “I think I’ll get over it better if I could clock some time with your boobs in our room.”

  “That’s a reasonable demand. As long as you’re equitable about things. I’d hate for the rest of my body to get jealous.” I can feel his semi against my stomach as he presses into me. “Speaking of our room, we should head back there.”

  “Don’t you think you should talk to Charlene first?”

  “Oh. Right.”

  It takes a while to get Charlene’s attention. “Hey!” She jumps up. “I need to use the little girls’ room, and you need to come with me.”

  Way to be subtle, Char.

  I turn to Alex and Darren. “We’ll be back after we’re done talking about you two in a public restroom.”

  Darren snorts as Charlene shoves me from behind. Once we’re inside the stall, she flaps her hands and mouths things I can’t decipher.

  “Charlene, I can’t read lips.”

  She grabs my hands and does the thing girls do in the movies when the dude they like likes them back—she squeals loudly and jumps around in the confined space. If the stalls were smaller, she’d be banging into the wall.

  “I’m in love!” She grabs my shoulders and shakes me. “Okay, well, that’s a lie, but Darren is the hottest guy I’ve ever met, and he’s smart and he’s got all his teeth! Isn’t that unheard of for a hockey player? Does Alex have all his teeth?”

  She sucks in a deep breath, wheezing, and continues. I know better than to cut her off in the midst of one of her monologues, and this one is going to be fun.

  “So after you took off to make Alex feel better with the locker room lovin’—”

  “Shh! This isn’t a soundproof bubble. People can hear you.”

  She rolls her eyes. “All the guys are talking about it. Well, not all of them. Some asshat named Kirk wouldn’t shut up, even when Darren told him he’s going to kick him in the nuts. He was even going on about it with Buck there, but the blonde tree hugger seemed to be a good distraction—”

  I grab her arm. “Where did Buck go?”

  “I’m not sure. He must have left just before you showed up. He and the blonde were eye-fucking each other, so I assume they were going to get their freak on. Kind of odd, really. I didn’t think she was Buck’s type.”

  “The tree hugger is Alex’s sister.”

  “Really? She looks so different in real life.”

  She doesn’t share my worry over this situation, so she continues with her story. “Anyway, after the game, I went with Skye and Sidney to the locker room hallway. Darren came out and gave this interview where he totally defended Alex’s position and talked about the stress of the game.” Charlene sighs.

  “When we got here, I had Sidney introduce me to him. We’ve been talking ever since. He’s the sweetest man alive. I mean he’s intense, but so considerate and attentive, and he has a degree in sports management. Did I mention he has all his teeth? I want to have his little hockey babies.”

  I picture tiny hybrids of Charlene and Darren with skates, jerseys, and helmets.

  Someone bangs on the door and asks if we’re done with our therapy session. It’s funny, even if it’s rude.

  “Piss off!” Charlene yells and hikes her skirt. I turn around. We’re not so close that I want to watch her pee.

  I don’t have to tell Charlene not to say anything about Buck and Sunny. She’s smart enough to understand why I wouldn’t want Alex to know they may have left together. Conjugal visits aren’t sexifying.

  When we return to the table, Alex keeps checking his phone. It’s obvious he’s trying to get in touch with his sister without success. I would hate for her to get involved with Buck without knowing what kind of guy he is. I send Buck a quick text, threatening to wax his balls in his sleep if he’s planning a fuck and chuck. If he revenge bangs Alex’s sister, I’m making good on my threat.

  Eventually, I persuade Alex it’s time to go to our room. He isn’t hard to convince. Charlene and Darren are completely absorbed in each other. Since we were supposed to share a room, she has ours all to herself. I’m curious whether Charlene will give it up tonight if the opportunity presents itself. As much as she talks about riding Darren until the sun comes up, she’s a traditional girl and isn’t likely to fall into bed on the first night. Although neither am I, and look what happened with Alex.

  We stop at the room I’m supposed to sleep in to grab my bag and then head up to Alex’s room. I commandeer the bathroom and don my new jammies, ready for post-game celebrations.

  I emerge to find Alex standing in the middle of the suite. His suit jacket is open, the top two buttons of his shirt are undone, and his tie hangs loose. He’s focused on his phone, so he doesn’t hear me clear my throat. I assume he’s still trying to track down Sunny.

  “Hey.” I had hoped to use the doorjamb as a place to cop a pose. Instead, I stand in front of him with nothing to use as a prop.

  Alex glances up briefly, and then looks back down as his phone buzzes. I’m on the verge of tears at his lack of response. Fortunately, he notices what I’m wearing and drops his phone on the floor.

  That’s more like what I’m looking for.

  He cups my boobs. I’m wearing a team T-shirt and a pair of matching panties with the logo over my crotch. The same logo is stretched over my chest. I rush-ordered them as soon as I knew I was coming to the game.

  He tugs at the hem of my shirt, presumably so he can have unobstructed access to my boobs.

  “Wait.” I hold up a finger. “Let me show you one thing, then my boobs are all yours.”

  He looks unimpressed. “It better be good.”

  I turn around, pulling my hair over my shoulder. On the back, in white lettering, is the number eleven with WATERS across the shoulders. The panties read: WATERS’ ASS.

  Alex runs his hands down my sides and squeezes my ass. “Are you sure this is exit only?”

  “What?” I lurch away and bolt to the other side of the room as I shield my backside with my hands, protecting it from potential invasion. Alex stalks toward me.

  “There is no way, Alex! It’s not an option. Access denied, access denied!” My voice is so high I sound like I’ve been inhaling helium.

  Alex holds his hands up in supplication and speaks softly. “I’m just kidding, baby, I promise. Come back here and let me check out those panties again.”

  I’m still wary. This isn’t the first time he’s said something about getting up in there. I’m a firm believer if he’s talking about it, he wants to do it. He’s even admitted he’s thought about it.

  He almost backs me into a corner, so I sidestep him to escape. I’m not fast enough. I find myself in the air, and suddenly I’m on the bed, facedown with Alex’s body covering mine. His monster cock presses against my ass cheek.

  “So help me God, Alex, I will never let you touch my boobs again!”

  I mean it, too. Maybe.

  The weight of his body leaves me, and I flip onto my back. He’s doing a push up over me. It’s impressive.

  “I was just playing around. I like the panties.” His monster cock lines up with the right part of my body.

  His kisses are soft, as if he’s apologizing for scaring my bum. After a few heavenly minutes of making out, I’m no longer worried about his desire to enter the “no go” zone.

  He grips the hem of my shirt and tugs it over my head. I’m not wearing a bra, so his view is unhindered. He pushes my girls together and nuzzles into them, nibbling and kissing. He stays away from my nipples, avoiding full contact. It’s killing me.

  I’m a porno-moaning mess, writhing underneath
him when he finally circles my left nipple with the tip of his nose.

  “Does that feel good?” I can feel Alex smiling against my boob.

  I bite my tongue to stop from begging him to just lick already. He’ll give in sooner or later. There’s one way to make it happen. I snake my hand down to the waistband of his pants, wrestle with his belt, and pop the button. There’s no messing around. I shove my hand inside and palm the MC. Alex makes a low noise in his throat.

  A moment later I feel the heavenly wet press of his lips followed by gentle suction.

  I squeeze encouragingly, not that he needs any encouragement once he gets started.

  While he devotes attention to my upper half, I push his pants over his hips and line up our lower halves. Even with my panties in the way, I’m still able to get some friction.

  “God, I want to fuck your tits.”

  It’s almost a growl. I stop moving.

  With his mouth still on my boob, he looks up and mumbles, “Oh shit, did I say that out loud?”

  Based on all the boob lovin’, it’s not like it’s a surprise he wants to slide his dick between them. What is surprising is how appealing the idea is.

  “You can if you want to.” I offer a tentative smile.

  Alex gapes at me. “What?”

  “You can . . . fuck my tits.” It sounds dirty. I like it.

  He scrambles up onto his knees. “Are you sure?”

  Biting my lip, I squeeze my boobs together in invitation.

  I’ve never seen anyone undress so quickly. Alex is naked before I can blink. He straddles my torso, gripping his giant cock. Oh God, it’s leaking. He rubs his thumb over the tip and strokes down the shaft as he stares at my boobs. His fiery eyes flip up to mine. “Is this okay? We don’t have to be in this position.”

  He’s so sexy like this—hard cock in his hand, looming over me, waiting for me to give him the go-ahead. I shimmy up the bed, rearranging the pillows so I’m mostly upright. Wrapping my fingers around his, I lick the head.

  A soft curse falls from his lips. He roots around in the nightstand, producing a bottle of lube. At my frown he’s quick to offer an explanation. “My hands are rough. This makes it better. Plus, I’d hoped you’d be coming to see me, and I figured it’d be good to be prepared in case we have lots of sex.”

  “You’re like the Boy Scout of sex, aren’t you?”

  I take the bottle from him, squirt a generous amount into my palm, massage it over my chest, and then stroke down his length. Guiding him between my breasts, I squeeze them together. Alex’s mouth drops open as he grabs onto the headboard and shifts his hips. The view is pretty incredible from where I am.

  After a few minutes, he abandons the headboard and takes over holding my boobs together. He pinches my nipples as he quickens the pace. I grab onto his rock-solid ass, helping out where I can. When he’s close to coming—he’s kind enough to warn me—I push his hands away, grab his cock, and wrap my lips around the head.

  “Sweet fucking—” He doesn’t finish the sentence. Instead he groans as he comes.

  I mentally pat myself on the back for taking one for the team. I’d rather swallow than have his jizz cooling on my chest.

  “You didn’t have to do that,” he says breathlessly.

  “I can always use the vitamins.”

  Cradling my face in his hands, Alex kisses me. “I love this mouth.”

  He moves down my body, dropping kisses as he makes his way to the land of Beave. Then he shows me with his mouth how much he appreciates the boob lovin’.

  I’m all for spending the rest of the weekend in bed if this is how things are going to go. Here’s hoping Buck hasn’t coerced Sunny into the same kind of position, otherwise things are about to get messy.

  Chapter 20

  HANGING WITH THE WATERS FAMILY IS DANGEROUS BUSINESS

  Violet

  As much as I would like to say Alex and I spend the rest of the weekend having wild monkey sex, this isn’t entirely true. Friday morning we check out of the hotel and take a cab across the city to his condo, where his parents stayed last night.

  The one-thousand square foot, two-bedroom unit is on the top floor of a high-rise, overlooking the Toronto Harbour. The space is furnished for functionality, and the master bedroom boasts a stunning view of the city, including the CN Tower.

  A note from his mother sits on the dining room table, thanking him for letting them use the condo. Alex sends his sister another text as he shows me around the space, possibly checking for signs of her presence, as well. Fortunately, this time he receives an almost immediate response telling him she’s home in Guelph. Sunny loves emoticons. Her texts are more pictures than words. I’m relieved because he’s no longer worried about the Buck situation and far more focused on me.

  We spend the majority of Friday afternoon dodging cameras and ducking into funky little shops on Queen Street. Every time I express excitement over something, Alex buys it. It’s as excessive as it is charming. I have no choice but to accept his forced giftery, otherwise he feigns hurt feelings.

  I thank him later for all his presents by staying naked for the entire evening. Mostly I end up under him, not that I’m complaining.

  On Saturday morning, we have shower sex, pack our bags, and leave the condo. Alex’s mother invited us for brunch, and he couldn’t say no. Alex loads everything into the back of a sporty SUV. The man loves his vehicles. He has two in Toronto; a Mercedes for the summer and the SUV for winter.

  I’m nervous about spending time with his family. Eating a meal in their home where I’ll have to make small talk and tell them about myself is very different than meeting them at a loud bar.

  We drive in silence for a while as I stare absently out the window. I don’t note the change in my surroundings until Alex pulls onto a road which disappears into a forest.

  “Where are we?”

  “An off-roading trail.”

  “We’re going off-roading in an SUV?” Alex is an intelligent man, so he must know this car isn’t built for off-roading. SUV or not, it’s snowy, and we could get stuck. Also, we’re on our way to brunch with his family.

  “No.” Alex puts the car in park and unbuckles his seat belt. He leans over and kisses me. Roadside make out session? Yes and please.

  “I want you to tell me what’s wrong.”

  “Nothing’s wrong.”

  “Liar.” He kisses the spot on my neck that makes me wish we were naked.

  I close my eyes and debate whether or not I should tell the truth. “I’m nervous.”

  “What about?”

  Alex sits back, his expression somber. It’s hot. Although I’m biased; I find all of Alex’s facial expressions hot.

  “I think your mom hates me. What if I say something dumb in front of your family? We haven’t been seeing each other long, and you don’t know how ridiculously inappropriate I can be in social situations. I mortify myself sometimes—quite often, actually. It’s fine with my friends, not when I’m dealing with the parents of my successful, intelligent, inordinately hot, and extra-well-endowed boyfriend.”

  “Once they get to know you they’ll love you, I promise.” He kisses the back of my hand. “My dad is super laid-back, and so is my sister. As for my mom, she’s probably certifiable, but she’s harmless.”

  “What if I accidentally make a comment about your monster cock? What if they serve breakfast sausages, and I compare its inadequate size to your love stick?”

  These might seem like stupid questions, but when nervous, I put myself in jeopardy of saying something this humiliating.

  “Did you just call my cock a ‘love stick’?” He smirks.

  “I don’t think you’re focusing on the issue here.”

  “Baby, everything is going to be fine. You have nothing to worry about.”

  His reassurances are starting to work. It’s as though he’s hypnotizing me with his voice and his touch and his pretty, pretty eyes. He kisses me softly.

  The heat
between us explodes and we end up making out for fifteen minutes. It’s long enough to get us both worked up and almost make us late. The sexual tension in the car is thick like potato leek soup. I’d help him out with his problem, but I think it’s only fair we both suffer through brunch unsatisfied.

  Guelph is more of a town than a city, and it’s nothing like Chicago. Downtown is quaint, full of little cafés and shops interspersed with bars and pubs, catering to the college crowds. Despite the cold winter morning, the streets bustle with people, young and old alike. We turn onto a side street and pull into the driveway of a large, old, brick house.

  “Ready?” He squeezes my hand.

  “I think so.”

  When he gets out of the car he adjusts his pants. He has an obvious hard-on. Hopefully, the cold air will help shrink it. The only thing more horrifying than me making comments about his package would be him sporting a woody in front of his parents.

  Daisy greets us at the door. I’m stunned once again by the horror of her hair. It looks like the eighties threw up on her head. It seems even bigger today than it was the other night. Her matching eighties attire is a helpful diversion, though. While acid-washed and high-waisted pants have made a comeback in recent years—Lord help us all—it looks as though she unearthed her original duds from the attic. I sniff, there’s no mothball smell. How she’s managed to avoid being lynched by the fashionista police is beyond me.

  “Alex!”

  He turns his face away from her hair as they hug.

  “Violet, it’s so nice you could make it.” She hugs me, too. It’s another one of those loose, back-pat ones with no real affection.

  Her hair is so solid I worry it might ensnare me like a fly caught in a spider web. I make the mistake of talking while hugging Daisy.

  “Thanks so much for inviting me.” Stray hairs stick to my lips, and hairspray invades my mouth. It’s simply horrendous. I want to spit the taste out. I swallow repeatedly instead, spreading it around my tongue.

  “Alex, why don’t you bring your bags in, and Violet can help me in the kitchen.”