Hilariously Ever After

by Penny Reid

  When the race started, Jeremy and his sister shot forward like a perfectly synchronized unit and left all their competitors in the dust to take an easy first place. Melody suspected they’d perfected their three-legged-race technique at a lot of Sauer Hewson company picnics over the years. Meanwhile, Mrs. Sauer and Mr. Horvath lurched along far behind the pack, laughing as they made their ungainly way across the finish line.

  The next event was the water balloon toss, and Jeremy teamed up with his mother while his sister partnered with Mr. Horvath. Melody could tell Jeremy was being careful to toss his mother the balloon gently, so he didn’t ruin her tasteful, and probably very expensive, blow-out. When the balloon broke, it was in his hands, drenching the front of his shirt.

  Poor Mr. Horvath wasn’t so lucky. Hannah pelted the balloon at him and laughed as it burst all over his legs on their second toss. He seemed pretty good-natured about it though, smiling as he shook the water out of his slacks.

  After that, the games seemed to be over, and the crowd started to break up. Lacey waved her arm to catch Jeremy’s attention, and he made his way over to them.

  “There you are,” he said, picking Lacey up in a big bear hug and swinging her around. “I missed you.”

  It was the first time Melody had seen them together since that awful dinner. They looked a lot happier today. Like one of those couples in the stock photos that came with picture frames: beautiful, glowing, and perfect.

  “Ew, you’re all wet!” Lacey said, laughing as she pushed him away.

  He kissed the tip of her nose. “I like your butterfly wings. It looks like a superhero mask.”

  “Melody got a unicorn,” Lacey said.

  “Hey, Melody.” Jeremy smiled at her. “Are you having a good time?”

  “Yup.” Melody raised her lemonade cup. “Thanks to Lacey.”

  Jeremy snatched Lacey’s cup out of her hand. “Uh oh, what do we have here?” He sucked on the straw and coughed out a laugh. “Wow! No wonder you two look so happy.”

  “Hey, that’s mine! Don’t drink it all!” Lacey said, grabbing for the cup.

  “Mmmm, I think I better confiscate this for your own good.”

  Lacey lunged at him, sparking a game of keep-away. Jeremy had the size advantage, but Lacey was spry, limber, and kind of ruthless, going straight for his ticklish spots.

  “Hello, Lacey, dear,” Angelica Sauer said coolly, coming up behind them, and just like that, all the fun was sucked out of the moment.

  Lacey’s posture went rigid, and she let go of Jeremy like he was on fire. “Hello, Angelica.”

  Mrs. Sauer leaned in to kiss Lacey’s cheek in a manner that seemed less like an affectionate greeting than a mafia don delivering the kiss of death. Then she focused her formidable gaze on Melody and arched an elegant eyebrow. “Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?”

  Jeremy passed Lacey her drink and stepped forward to make the introduction. “Mom, this is Melody Gage. She works in the IT department.”

  “Lovely to meet you, Melody.” Mrs. Sauer flashed a patrician smile as she extended her hand.

  “The pleasure’s mine, Mrs. Sauer,” Melody said, desperately hoping she didn’t sound as tipsy as she felt, and wow—ouch—Angelica Sauer had a grip like an Olympic weightlifter.

  “Did you happen to see where your sister went?” Mrs. Sauer asked, turning to address Jeremy.

  He shrugged. “She said she was going to meet up with some friends.”

  Angelica Sauer’s fingers curled at the base of her throat. “I see.”

  “She’ll be fine, Mom.”

  His mother gave him a tight smile. “I’m sure you’re right.”

  Jeremy frowned. “Do you want me to go find her?”

  “No, darling, you should enjoy the rest of your day.” His mother patted his arm. “Oh, look, there’s Edgar Harmon. I should go say hello. Excuse me,” she murmured, and nodded at Lacey and Melody before moving away.

  Melody felt an unexpected rush of affection for her own mom, who, for all her many flaws, was like a basket of fluffy kittens compared to Jeremy’s mother. She couldn’t imagine what it must have been like to grow up with Angelica Sauer for a mother.

  “You want to go look for Hannah, don’t you?” Lacey asked Jeremy.

  He sighed. “Maybe.”

  “We’ll come with you,” Lacey said, squeezing his arm. “Right, Melody?”

  “Sure.” Melody shrugged. It wasn’t like she had anything better to do.

  Finding a single teenage girl amongst eight hundred people all wearing the same T-shirt was easier said than done. The three of them wandered around for almost an hour before they found Hannah Sauer getting a henna tattoo.

  Hannah—or Shorty, as her brother adorably called her—rolled her eyes like only a sixteen-year-old could when she saw them. “Did Mom send you after me?” she asked with a beleaguered sigh. She had Jeremy’s golden brown hair and piercing blue eyes, and her mother’s natural frown.

  “No,” Jeremy told her, which was not technically a lie. He seemed relieved to have found her, and Melody remembered him saying his sister had gotten into some trouble after their father died.

  “What do you think?” Hannah showed off the intricate design on her hand. “Don’t you love it?”

  “Very cool,” Lacey said.

  “Mom’s gonna be thrilled.” Jeremy sighed. “Tell me that’s not permanent.”

  “It fades in a few days,” Hannah said with another eye-roll. “Just wait, though. The second I turn eighteen, I’m getting a real tattoo and Mom can suck it.” She gave Melody a wary once-over. “Who are you?”

  “Hannah, this is Lacey’s friend, Melody,” Jeremy said.

  “Hi.” Melody smiled like she wasn’t the least bit bothered by Jeremy describing her as Lacey’s friend instead of his. Why should she be bothered? It wasn’t like it wasn’t true. And she couldn’t exactly blame him for not wanting to explain to his little sister how they’d really met.

  “Hey,” Hannah mumbled, having already lost interest in Melody.

  “What happened to the friends you were meeting?” Jeremy asked.

  “They were boring.”

  Jeremy looked like he wanted to question her further, but before he had a chance, Lacey cut in. “We were going to get something to eat. Wanna come?”

  Hannah shrugged. “Sure, why not?” She said it like the prospect was almost as much fun as getting her braces tightened.

  They made their way over to the food tent and loaded their paper plates with ribs and brisket. Jeremy found an empty picnic table, and they slid onto the wooden benches and stuffed their faces while arguing about their favorite kinds of barbecue and the virtues of a vinegary sauce versus a sweet sauce—except Hannah, who pushed her food around on her plate and barely said a word.

  “Everything okay?” Jeremy asked her eventually, wiping his hands with a wet nap.

  “Yeah.”

  “Shorty,” he said in a gentle voice, “what happened with your friends?”

  “It’s nothing.” She stared at her plate. “They wanted to get high, and when I told them I didn’t, they took off.”

  “Hey.” He gave her shoulder an affectionate jostle. “I’m proud of you.”

  “Whatever,” she muttered, though it was obvious she was pleased.

  “Who wants ice cream?” Jeremy said, tossing his napkin into the trash.

  “Me!” Lacey and Hannah cheered in unison.

  Jeremy’s eyes found Melody’s. “What about you?” he asked, smiling like they were sharing a secret. “Do you like ice cream?”

  Melody smiled back at him. “Who doesn’t like ice cream?”

  By the time they were done with their ice cream it was getting dark, so they headed back over to the playing fields to stake out a spot to watch the fireworks. Jeremy sweet-talked a spare blanket off an executive assistant, and the four of them kicked off their shoes and crowded onto the blanket together, lying on their backs and gazing up at the darke
ning sky.

  “Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight,” Hannah said, pointing at the brightest pinpoint of light overhead.

  “Make a wish,” Jeremy told her.

  “That’s Venus,” Melody corrected before she could stop herself. “But it’s called the Evening Star,” she added apologetically, “so it probably still works for wishes.”

  “Do you know any other stars or constellations?” Hannah asked, showing an interest in Melody for the first time.

  “Um…” Melody scanned the sky for something recognizable. “See that group of stars over there? That’s Sagittarius. It’s supposed to look like a centaur holding a longbow.”

  “Looks more like a blob to me,” Hannah said, scrunching up her nose.

  “That’s because the rest of the stars in the constellation are too faint to be visible. Some people call it the teapot because that’s kind of what the central stars look like. On a really clear night, away from the city lights, you can see the Milky Way coming off the spout like a puff of steam.”

  “Where’d you learn all that stuff?” Hannah asked Melody.

  “School,” Jeremy answered for her. “Melody studied hard in high school, so she could go to MIT for college.”

  “Gee, big brother, thanks for the subtle life lesson,” Hannah said sarcastically, shoving him with her elbow.

  Melody reached up to brush a wisp of hair off her face, and her fingers grazed the paint on her cheek. “Oh my god!” she said in horror.

  “What’s wrong?” Jeremy asked.

  “I had a sparkly unicorn painted on my face when I met your mother!” She’d totally forgotten the stupid thing was there.

  Jeremy, Hannah, and Lacey all dissolved into laughter.

  “It’s not funny,” Melody said, burying her face in her hands. “The CEO thinks I’m an idiot now.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” Jeremy said. “You look adorable. She’s not gonna hold it against you.”

  “Yeah, she’ll be too busy holding the fact that you’re friends with me against you,” Lacey offered helpfully.

  “Terrific,” Melody muttered.

  “Hey, fireworks,” Hannah said as bright lights shattered the sky overhead.

  They fell silent as the explosions rumbled through their chests. Dazzling bursts of color splashed across the sky, and the smell of gunpowder filled the air, drifting past in clouds of bluish smoke.

  It occurred to Melody, as she lay there on the grass beside Lacey with fireworks painting the night sky above, that it had been a perfect day.

  This was exactly what she’d been hoping for when she moved here—to feel like she was part of something again. To have friends to share it with.

  For the first time in a long while, she was happy.

  Chapter 11

  “Mom,” Melody groaned into the phone. “Do not give me an OK Cupid membership for my birthday. I told you, I’m not interested in online dating.”

  Melody’s mother had seriously ratcheted up the nagging about her love life lately. She was convinced that, at the advanced age of twenty-two, Melody was in imminent danger of turning into a dried up old maid.

  “Have you gone on even one date since you moved out there?”

  “Well…” Technically, she could say yes, if she counted her disastrous dinner with Jeremy, Lacey, and Drew. But then her mom would demand more details, and that would be opening a whole can of worms she wasn’t willing to invite her mother into. “I’ve been busy.”

  “I just don’t want you to be lonely, honey.”

  “I’m not lonely.” Most of the time. “I’ve got friends.” Lacey counted as a friend, right? Even if they didn’t really hang out or talk regularly. They were sort of friends.

  “You’re all the way out there in a new city all by yourself. I worry.”

  “I’m doing fine, Mom.”

  Her mother let out a melodramatic sigh. “It’s been over a year since you lost you-know-who, baby.”

  Melody’s mother never said Kieran’s name. She knew Melody didn’t like to talk about him, but she couldn’t seem to refrain from bringing him up, so instead she just avoided using his name—like he was Voldemort.

  “We’re not having this conversation,” Melody said through clenched teeth.

  “I’m just saying, it’s time to get back on the horse. If you wait too long, you might forget how.”

  “I haven’t forgotten how.”

  Or had she? She kept telling herself she didn’t want to get involved with anyone yet. That she wasn’t ready. But maybe that was just an excuse. Maybe she didn’t know how to let herself love anymore. Maybe she wasn’t even capable of it. Like when you stopped using your legs and the muscles atrophied. Maybe her heart had atrophied.

  “I know you, Melody,” her mom said. “You want to shut yourself off from the world and hide when things get tough, but you’ll never find happiness that way. You have to put yourself out there. Join a book club or something.”

  “I go to yoga every week.”

  “There are no men in yoga classes.”

  Fortunately, the doorbell rang, offering Melody an escape from the conversation. “Mom, I have to go. My pizza’s here.” She made a hurried goodbye as she went to answer the door.

  “Jeremy!” she said, stepping back in surprise. “You’re not my pizza.”

  He was soaked to the skin. The heatwave had broken and it was actually raining tonight—for the first time since Melody had lived in Los Angeles—and he didn’t have a jacket or an umbrella with him. Water dripped down his face, and his expression was so stony it took her a moment to realize how red his eyes were—like he’d been crying.

  “Did you know?” he growled before she could ask what was wrong.

  “What?” she asked, taken aback.

  “About Lacey and Tessa.”

  She blinked at him, bewildered. “What about Lacey and Tessa?”

  The anger drained out of him, and he deflated before her eyes. “Lacey broke up with me,” he said in a shaky voice. “For Tessa.”

  For a second, Melody was too stunned to say anything. It didn’t make any sense—except the longer she thought about it, the more it kind of did. She remembered all the times she’d seen Lacey and Tessa together, and how close they’d always seemed. How affectionate. How happy. And how Lacey never talked about Jeremy. Like, at all.

  Which was when Melody realized it made perfect sense, and she was an idiot for not seeing it sooner.

  “Come inside,” she said, holding the door open wider. When Jeremy didn’t move, she took him by the arm and tugged him over the threshold. “You’re drenched.”

  “Sorry,” he mumbled as he dripped on her living room floor.

  “Take off your shoes. I’ll get you a towel.”

  When she came back with an armful of towels, he was still standing in the exact same spot, but his shoes were sitting beside the door. “Here,” she said, thrusting one of the towels at him. She laid another out on the floor and pushed it around with her toe, mopping up the puddle at his feet.

  He rubbed the towel she’d given him over his head, making his hair stand up all spiky on top, then wiped his feet on the towel on the floor.

  “Sit down,” she said, gesturing to the couch.

  “I’ll get your couch all wet.”

  She draped another towel over the cushions and patted it with her hand. “Sit.”

  Without a word, he lowered himself onto the towel. It was heartbreaking to see him sitting there barefoot in his sodden clothes, clutching a towel around his shoulders like a security blanket. He looked like he was still in shock; he must have come straight over after Lacey delivered the news.

  Melody sat down next to him. “Tell me what happened.”

  He bent his head and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands. “She said she’s not in love with me. She said she’s in love with her fucking yoga instructor.” He let out a bitter laugh. “I mean, what a goddamn cliché. It sounds like the plot of a bad movie,
doesn’t it?”

  “I’m sorry.” Melody started to lay a consoling hand on his back, but chickened out at the last second and dropped it onto the couch instead.

  “I can’t even believe it. My girlfriend is a lesbian.”

  “Bisexual.”

  Jeremy gave her a blank look.

  “Lesbians don’t usually date men. Lacey’s probably bisexual.”

  “She’s been in love with someone else for months,” he said miserably, ducking his head between his hands again.

  It was hard to feel too sorry for him, considering his track record. But he’d said he’d changed, so maybe he had been faithful to Lacey. Either way, it was obvious he hadn’t seen this coming.

  “It must have been hard for her to tell you the truth,” Melody said. Lacey was her friend, and she couldn’t help thinking about how unhappy she must have been all this time, hiding who she was.

  “I didn’t take it very well.” Jeremy squeezed his eyes shut. “I said some stuff I probably shouldn’t have.”

  Melody bit her lip. She didn’t want to hear the play-by-play or take sides.

  Rescue arrived in the form of the doorbell—her pizza, finally. Grateful for the distraction, she leapt up from the couch.

  She tipped the delivery guy and carried the pizza box into the kitchen. Without asking, she dished up two plates and carried them both into the living room. Jeremy still hadn’t moved from the brooding stance he’d taken up on the couch.

  “Here,” she said, passing one of the plates over. “Hope you like pepperoni and mushroom.”

  He accepted it and sat up, balancing the plate on his knee. They ate their pizza in silence, staring straight ahead. When they were both done, she took his plate from him. “Want another slice?” she asked over her shoulder as she headed into the kitchen.

  “No thanks.” He stood, rubbing his hands on his thighs. “I appreciate it, but I should probably go.”

  She was tempted to try to convince him to stay, but he seemed to want to go, so she trailed him to the door and waited while he put on his sodden shoes. It had mostly stopped raining, at least, so he wouldn’t get soaked all over again.