Hilariously Ever After

by Penny Reid

  In perfect sync, they dropped their arms, and their scowls changed into horrified expressions.

  “No, Daddy!” Eleanor rushed to him and tugged on his jeans. “No, no, no, I need my pwincess woom!”

  “No!” Elijah copied his sister. “I need my superhewo woom.”

  “No, I need—”

  “I need you to stop shouting,” Brantley said, extracting the twins from him. “Next time, you’re both in time out, do you hear me?”

  Two pairs of wide eyes gazed up at him, and golden-brown hair bobbed as they nodded in unison.

  Man. That was creepy as fuck.

  “Now,” he continued. “I want you both to sit down with the paint charts and pick out the color of your walls.” He pulled two charts off the practically-empty bookcase to the side of him and handed them one each. “I’m going upstairs with Ms. Hancock, and the second I hear fighting is the second Ellie gets the superhero room and Eli gets the princess one. Okay?”

  If Ellie looked horrified, Eli was positively beside himself at the possibility.

  Never had I seen two children sit down and stare at paint charts so intently in my entire life.

  Brantley blew out a breath and ran his hand through his hair, joining me back in the hallway. “Sorry. We just moved from Denver, and this is a bit of a change for them. No preschool, they lost their nanny, my parents aren’t around anymore… It’s hard.”

  No mention of their mom.

  Hmm.

  Was he single?

  Damn it, Kali. Put your thirsty vagina back in its cage.

  “Don’t worry.” I smiled. “Shall we go upstairs?”

  He glanced back in the living room. “While they’re still quiet? Absolutely. I doubt it’ll last long.”

  I swallowed a laugh and grabbed my things. I’d been here less than five minutes, and already I could tell that was totally true.

  I followed him upstairs, and I swear, I tried not to look at his ass. It was literally a mantra inside my head.

  Don’t look at his ass. Don’t look at his ass. Don’t look at his ass.

  It didn’t work. It was hard not to look at his ass. It was round and peachy and goddamn it, I was a heathen!

  What was going on here? Was it a hangover effect?

  That was it.

  It was a lingering, painful trace of that fucking vodka.

  Still…It was a really, really great ass. And I was an ass girl. And an arm girl. And an eye girl. And a mouth girl. And a cock-like-a-god girl.

  Basically, I was easy to please unless you spoke like a cock.

  “…really worked,” Brantley said, reaching the top of the stairs.

  Oh, shit. I hadn’t heard a word he’d said.

  “Good.” Was that the right thing to say? Goddamn his mesmerizing ass.

  “Yes—the mold on the walls is almost completely gone, but I think it’s just staining now.” He pushed open a door. “This is Ellie’s room. Her’s was a little worse than Eli’s.”

  I stepped inside the room after him. The pictures really hadn’t done it justice—the paper was ripping, the floor was in desperate need of an overhaul, and the windows still held the signs of the mold in the way it was etched into the edges of the windows.

  I put down my things and went to take a closer look. “It’s just staining,” I confirmed. “I need to look more, but I think it’s just black mold, which is a problem all the houses in this neighborhood have.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. The original contractors screwed something up, but since you bought from someone else and not them, management is on you.”

  “Great,” he drawled. “Is there anything you can do for it?”

  “Honestly,” I said, turning around. “If it’s just surface mold, no. It really is just management. Making sure the room is aired out—especially in colder months—and that you give the windows a wipe down with the solution you already used.”

  “Really? That’s it?”

  “Well, since I’m painting… There is a mixture you can get that you can put into paint. It won’t help the windows, but it’ll counteract the mold trying to form on the walls.”

  “Can you buy that?” His turquoise blue gaze settled on me intently.

  “I can, but…” I paused. “It can be expensive, and if you need it for more than one room…”

  “I can, but…” I paused. “It can be expensive, and if you need it for more than one room…”

  “I can write you the deposit check today.”

  Well, that changed things. “I can order it as soon as it’s cashed.”

  He nodded. “Perfect. Shall we see Eli’s room?”

  I nodded and followed him, feeling like one of those stupid bobby-head dogs people put in their cars.

  Eli’s room was much the same as Ellie’s in terms of what it needed. New floors, new walls, mold treatment. That was all standard, though. It was everything else I needed to know that wasn’t.

  “What else are you thinking? I can see you’re hoping for more than just a bit of paint and new carpet fitted.”

  A wry smile twisted his lips. “How did you know?”

  “It’s my job to know.”

  He motioned toward the stairs. “I need to check the twins. Can I make you a coffee?”

  “Sure.” We both went down. By some miracle, at least judging by his relieved sigh, the twins were quiet and still picking their paint colors. Who knew it was such a complicated job for such tiny people?

  He led me into the kitchen and waved his hand at the table. “Take a—hold on.” He shifted two boxes from a chair and put them by the back door. “Sorry. Unpacking is damn hard with two kids around.”

  “Are you by yourself?”

  He nodded briskly and turned on the coffee machine.

  “You don’t have family here?” I frowned. Nobody moved to Rock Bay if they didn’t have family here.

  He gripped the edge of the counter. “No family. The twins’ mom passed away two and a half years ago.”

  I opened my mouth, closed it, and opened it again. Nothing came out.

  Oh, that’s right. Nothing came out because my foot was in my mouth.

  “I’m sorry,” I finally managed to eke out. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

  He waved his arm dismissively, setting a mug in front of me. “Two and a half years is a long time.

  “I’m sorry,” I finally managed to eke out. “I shouldn’t have asked.”

  He waved his arm dismissively, setting a mug in front of me. “Two and a half years is a long time. You didn’t know. I can see why you asked. Rock Bay is a little…quieter…than I’d expected.”

  A wry smile assured me he wasn’t too annoyed at my questioning.

  “Cream and sugar?”

  “Please,” I said. “Sorry. I’m a little nosy and sometimes have a habit of putting my foot in my mouth and chewing on my toes.”

  “Hopefully not literally.”

  “Not since I was at least three.”

  He half-grinned. “Got any tips to stop that? Eli is a fan of his toenails.”

  I wrinkled my nose up. “Oh, gosh.”

  Brantley pulled his mug from the machine and sat opposite me. He piled three sugars and a dash of cream into his coffee, then smiled again. “If somebody had warned me how gross kids are, I might have reconsidered.”

  “Well, that’s the reason I’m not a kid person,” I admitted. “I can’t deal with the toenails thing.”

  “Ellie doesn’t do it, so there’s that.”

  “Yeah, no. Have you ever been a teenage girl?”

  “I’m one hundred percent sure I haven’t.”

  I bit the inside of my cheek. “Well, my apologies for what will happen to you in ten years.”

  “Thanks.” He fought an even wider smile. “So, the other stuff for their rooms…”

  “Sure. Go on ahead.” I pulled my phone from my pocket and opened my Notes app.

  He glanced at it with a quirked eyebrow, but didn’t ac
knowledge it otherwise. “The rooms aren’t huge, so I’d like to get them a higher bed, but not a really high one.”

  Technical.

  “A mid-sleeper? With room for a desk or something underneath?”

  “That’s it, but I think Ellie would prefer a dress-up wardrobe with space for books, and Eli would prefer a “bat-cave” type thing.”

  I smiled and nodded as I tapped that onto the app. “I can definitely do that. My dad is an excellent carpenter, and he’d be thrilled to take on that challenge.”

  “Really? He’s a carpenter?”

  “Family business.” My smiled turned wry. “Don’t think you’re the first person to be confused when I show up.”

  “The K.Hancock throws you, that’s for sure.”

  I sucked my lip between my teeth so I didn’t grin even wider. “Is there any other furniture you’d like built? Dad can build beds to match anything you’d be buying from a store.”

  “I actually have their furniture. I planned to build it, but then the mold…Then parenting happened, and I’m starting to feel like I’ll never have time.”

  I held up my hands. “Don’t worry. I can handle that for you, too. All I’ll need is you to get me photos of the furniture or links to them. I’ll pass it on to my father.” I paused. “You know that’s a little extra, right? The beds.”

  He nodded. “It’s fine. They’ve had a rough time, and I want them to be happy.”

  Something deep inside me warmed at that statement. “Why don’t you give me your phone number? I can pass all this onto Dad, and he can call you with a quote.”

  “Sure. Do you mind?” He pointed to my phone.

  I brought up the contacts and hit the button for a new one.

  He input his name and number, then slid the phone back to me.

  Well. That was the easiest I’d ever gotten a hot guy’s number.

  “When do you think you can start?”

  “Monday,” I replied, finishing my coffee. “I’ll need to come by a couple times this week to take some measurements for the bigger things and drop off some brochures for you. I’ll call ahead to let you know, but I’ll be here at eight-thirty on Monday morning to start tearing out that wall paper and flooring. Is that good for you?”

  “That works. Can the kids go in their own rooms now the mold is gone?”

  I stood, tucking my phone in my pocket. “Wipe the walls every day and leave the window open so it can dry out. If you do that, I don’t see why not.”

  “Perfect. I need some peace back. Talking of peace…” He got up and darted into the front room.

  I hovered awkwardly before I grew the courage to peek inside the room.

  “Oh my god.” Brantley covered his face with his hands. “Where did you find the pens?”

  “Ewi did it,” Ellie said.

  “No! Ewwie did it!” her brother replied.

  I edged a little further inside. On the lovely, cream wall of the living room was a dodgy looking fairy with one wing, all drawn in pink. Next to her was a strange dinosaur with purple spots that were half-colored.

  As if he knew I was there, Brantley dropped his hand, blinked, and looked at me. “Can we add the living room to painting?”

  He looked so helpless, so…exhausted…yet also like he was trying not to laugh at their artistic streak, that it took everything I had not to laugh, too.

  “Good thing I have a lot of dust sheets.”

  Chapter 3

  “So.” Jayda leaned back on my bed and wriggled her toes in her stripy socks. My best friend had skipped out early on a bad date, promptly deciding to show up at my house with wine, ice-cream, and candy. “How about you tell me about your last date?”

  “Nuh-uh.” I pulled a Twizzler from the packet and bit off the end. “You know about my last horror date. You’re the one who ran away tonight, and if you showed up with all this, it must have been bad.”

  “Aside from the fact I know better than to show up at your house without Twizzlers—”

  “True story.”

  “—You’re right. It was terrible. Probably the worst one ever, actually.”

  I turned my head away from the Friends re-run and stared at her profile. She was the blond to my brunette, and I had no idea how she was single with her cute button nose, full lips, and large, blue eyes.

  “Worse than Johnny Knox?”

  She groaned, leaning her head right back against the headboard and reached for her wine glass. Instead of the glass, she grabbed the bottle. I smirked when she took one look at it, shrugged, and swigged straight from it.

  “Wow.” Wow was the right reaction here. If it was worse than Johnny Knox, Mr. Handsy himself who tried to get her off right there in the middle of the restaurant, it was bad.

  “It was a string of bullshit, Kali. First up, he shows off late.”

  Been there.

  “Then, he didn’t look anything like his picture. Claimed the only different was the fact he didn’t have a beard or dark hair anymore.” She waved the bottle and put it down, switching it for the glass before changing her mind again. “Fine, whatever. He was still cute. I sucked up the fact I’d spent thirty minutes getting sympathetic looks because everyone thought I was being stood up. You know what? I wish I had been!”

  Oh, boy.

  “So, he finally sits down. We order two drinks and our meals. He refuses to get starters or a dessert because of the price, and that’s the first hint he’s a total fuckboy.”

  I “hmmed” in agreement.

  “He doesn’t ask what I do or how I am. He doesn’t even apologize for being late. Instead he launched into a monologue about how stressed he is at work and how lonely he is since his pet rabbit, Cheeto, died.”

  “He named a rabbit Cheeto?”

  She held up a pink-tipped finger. “Not to mention his budgies, Ben and Jerry, are fighting colds.”

  “Budgies get colds?”

  “Apparently. So, he’s heartbroken over Cheeto, Ben and Jerry are sick, and honestly, I wanted to ask him if he had an ant farm collectively named the Sour Patch Kids or something equally ridiculous.”

  “You didn’t?”

  “No.”

  “You missed a trick there.”

  “We’re not all unfiltered like you.”

  “I’m not unfiltered.” I paused. “I’m…quick-witted.”

  She raised an eyebrow at me, setting the wine bottle down—and leaving it there instead of picking it back up like she did before. “Sure. Quick-witted. That’s one way to describe it.”

  “Why did I let you in?”

  Jayda waved the Twizzler packet at me.

  “Shut up,” I muttered, snatching it off her. “Tell me the rest of the date.”

  “Where did I get to? Oh, yeah—the sick budgies.” She wedged the tub of ice-cream onto her lap and wriggled. “So, I apologized, but before I could ask him anything, he dove into a spiel about how his mother never loved him.”

  Oh dear god.

  “What did you do?”

  “I downed my wine and excused myself to the bathroom. Marcie sent the new bar girl in to tell me to run on her signal.”

  “What? Why?”

  “Marcie corralled him toward the bar with the promise of a free drink, because she’d heard his sad tale, and needed a new whiskey tried out.”

  “Did it work?”

  Jayda nodded. “I left to the sounds of him regaling Marcie with a tale about how his mother kicked his first cat, Noodles.”

  “I don’t know if the bigger concern is his obsession with animals or his mother or the way he names them.”

  “The names. No grown-ass man should ever admit to having a cat named Noodles unless his sister named it.” She sighed. “I think I’m destined to be single forever.”

  “No, you’re just looking in the wrong places. I’m starting to figure out that online doesn’t mean success.”

  “Starting?”

  “Want me to make you feel better about your life?”

&
nbsp; She nodded. “That’s always helpful.”

  Sighing, I got up out of bed and went to fetch my laptop from downstairs. When I had it, I went back up and sat on the bed, loading it up. “I checked my messages before I went to work this morning. Some of them were so bad… And not even just bad, but some of them were the grossest things ever.”

  “Well, I haven’t had those this week. I guess that’s a plus.”

  “No kidding. Okay, here.” I logged in to the dating website and went to my message box. “Look at this guy. “Kinky sub for you to keep in chastity and make your little bitch.” And if it wasn’t enough, check the pictures.”

  I clicked on one and looked away.

  “Oh god, my eyes! They burn! Get it off!”

  I winced at the…portly…gentleman wearing nothing but leather straps and a collar on his knees and hit the ‘x’ button on the pop-up.

  “I have two questions,” Jayda said, peering at the screen from between her fingers. “The first one is, why do you get those and I don’t?”

  “Do you want them?”

  “Shit—please, no.” She snorted. “My next question is, why do they keep coming to you? What’s in your profile that isn’t in mine?”

  “Dunno. Do you think it’s the builder thing?”

  “Maybe. Mr. Kinky Sub sound like he wouldn’t mind you screwing him into a wall.”

  I stilled.

  Turning to slowly meet her eyes, the twinkle in them killed me within seconds. We both burst out laughing, and I reached for my now-empty wine glass.

  “Damn it.”

  Jayda waved the bottle. “I’ll pour it if you tell me about the new guy in town.”

  “Brantley Cooper?”

  “Is he the twins guy?”

  “Uh, yes.”

  “Jesus,” she muttered. “Even his damn name is hot.”

  I snatched the wine out of her hand. “You should see his ass.”

  “Do you need, uh, an assistant next week?”

  “His kids were fighting when I got there, then drew on the walls right before I left.”

  Jayda wrinkled her nose up. “Hmmm. Let me know on the assistant thing. I mean, I might be busy.”

  Imagine that.

  Chapter 4