Seed of Scorn

by Aaron-Michael Hall

  “Dalia,” he said in a whisper. “May I kiss you?”

  She nearly gasped, her visage aptly displaying her surprise. After several silent moments, she leaned in closer, allowing their lips to meet. At first, it was merely a tender touch, and then, the kiss grew more passionate. When he heard a slight whimper escape her lips, he drew her nearer. She returned the tight embrace, enjoying the feel and taste of him more than she would’ve thought possible.

  “Never has anyone offered me a more wonderful gift,” he said against her lips. After another gentle peck, he moved away.

  “Now I know what a kiss should truly be,” she said.

  Beilzen kissed her again, caressing her face. “You should never experience anything less. If it were possible, I’d offer them to you with each turn of the glass.”

  She was more bemused now than she had been before, and the emotions surging inside of her did little to calm those thoughts or feelings. Although they’d spent time together, she didn’t truly know him. What he showed to her was disparate from her sister’s recounting.

  “I don’t understand,” she said, easing away from him.

  “What don’t you understand? Ask me of it and find clarity.”

  “You. I don’t understand you. What I’ve heard about you isn’t how you appear to me. Either you’ve been accused falsely, or you’re no longer that person.”

  His head lowered. “I’m certain that no one has accused me falsely. There’re numerous events in my past that I’m ashamed of. I was cruel to many people that didn’t deserve it. At that time, all that mattered was gaining a better standing and station in Nazil. Not even our Zaxson was immune from my misdeeds.” He sighed. “Both Symeon and Sarai have ample reason to despise me, too. But you’re right, the person I was, or I tried to be, died in the citadel’s cells. That was never my true nature, and my father warned me of the same. I forfeited who I was, to become what I thought I needed to be.

  “You wonder why I spend so much time alone? It’s because of my shame. It’s difficult to face the people that I’ve wronged. Those same people helped me reclaim my life and united me with my son. A mere apology is insufficient after the wrongs I committed. I could live one hundred years and couldn’t repay such debts.”

  With that heartfelt admission, she leaned in, kissing him again. Dalia needed to be certain of the feelings he’d evoked in her. Beilzen was more passionate and loving than any man she’d known. She didn’t understand how she began to care for him, and at that moment, it didn’t matter. When she felt the arousal of their kiss, she eased away, interlacing their fingers.

  “I’d welcome your kiss anytime that you’d offer it,” she said.

  “Even knowing my indiscretions?”

  “I’ve never met anyone without regret, Beilzen. I admit: I don’t know everything that transpired before my arrival, but I’ve heard others speak of it. What I’ve been told is contrary to what I’ve experienced. If your past is such that you can’t enjoy your present, mayhaps you should reconcile the two, not only for those you’ve wronged, but for yourself most of all. Being alive and living aren’t the same. You deserve to truly live, and enjoy the life before you.”

  He looked at her for a moment, relishing the sincerity in her eyes. “If only it were that simple, I’d gladly do that and more. Some things have been permanently altered and can never be reconciled. I’m no longer the man I was in many ways, Dalia. Most of these changes are for the better, howbeit, there’s one of great significance that’ll always plague me, rendering parts of my life forfeit, and darkening my future. Because of this, I’ve sentenced myself to a life of desolation and my heart most of all.” His voiced cracked, wavering as the past violations rippled through his mind. No matter his urgings to repress those memories, they inundated his thoughts, weakening his resolve.

  A loud roar of pleasure claimed their attention as Ladir held Beilzen tight, lifting him from the ground. His loose limbs flailed in the air, as he released a nearly unending scream, feeling his insides give way to the force. With a final moan, Ladir shoved Beilzen onto the floor. He crumpled in a heap, convulsing, while cries and whimpers escaped his lips.

  He held Dalia’s hand tighter, drawing strength from her touch.

  “The Zaxson and his Chosen are speaking, Beilzen.” He heard Daracus’ voice as clearly as he had that day in the dark chamber. “You’re being quite rude to interrupt. Sir Merrimont, is there perchance something that you could put in his mouth to keep him quiet?”

  Yannick grinned as Beilzen tightened his lips. He shook his head, watching Yannick walk toward him, untying his laces.

  “Listen well, caitiff.” Yannick gripped his chin, forcing his head up. “If you so much as attempt to clamp down on me, I’ll force every tooth from your head and take you to the stables. You haven’t taken a cock until you’ve had that of a horse.”

  Beilzen closed his eyes for a moment, taking a stuttered breath.

  “My past deeds have forever impacted my life,” he said, barely over a whisper.

  “There’s nothing that can’t be healed,” she said. “If you want to change and truly live, the strength is within you. Being here with you now is proof of that. I never thought that I’d be willing or capable of befriending a Nazilian, and more so, sharing my heart.” She took his other hand. “But we’re spending this time together, and when I look at you, I know that I truly have.”

  He drew her into him, nearly weakening from her touch. She’d taken his heart, but he had nothing more to give. Nothing. At that moment, he felt like a fraud, a wretched creature, creating false hope where only disappointment could reside. He wanted to tell her. He needed to, but the words wouldn’t form. They caught in his throat as though something tangible was lodged there. Dalia’s compassion consumed him, causing a joy to return that had been lost years ago. He didn’t want to foreswear that feeling, that love, and succumb to the dolor threatening to devour both his mind and heart.

  I must tell her, he thought. She deserves to know the truth, regardless of my trepidation. When she learns that I’m no longer a man, she’ll leave me. Forever. He forced back the tears threatening to fall, cursing the infernal gods, Daracus, Yannick, Denotra, and Oxilon. All of them. Beilzen cursed himself most of all.

  “I…I…” he struggled through the words, but the maelstrom of memories cut off his speech, besieging his mind.

  “Now that we’ve ascertained the size, I’ll give you the opportunity to tell me how this pitiful piece of flesh found its way inside my sister.”

  Tears rolled from Beilzen’s eyes as he squeezed them shut. No matter his words, they’d hold no meaning.

  “Didn’t you hear the Zaxson?” Yannick said, gripping his sac.

  “Yes, please,” Beilzen squealed, the searing pain igniting every nerve in his body. “I didn’t wish it, my lord. I did only as Lady Denotra commanded.”

  “Are you to tell me that my sister asked you to brutally take her maidenhead? Is this what I’m to believe? She’s pledged to the First Chosen of Nazil, but you want me to believe that it’s you she prefers?”

  Beilzen shook his head, coughing. “She didn’t want me, she wanted Pentanimir. She made me answer by his name after telling me how she wanted to be pleasured.”

  “So, you were a substitute for our First Chosen?” Daracus laughed. “You look that of a woman compared with Sir Benoist.”

  “I swear, Zaxson, before all four gods. Lady Denotra asked me to take her, she yearned for her pledged and couldn’t have him. It was my mouth she took instead, and called out the name of him she loved.” He struggled through each word, feeling his throat swelling shut.

  “Oh, I see. Did this anger you? There you were acting as a good little servant, pleasing my fair sister with your mouth. Then, when pleasure took hold, it was another she called out to. Is that the truth of it?” Daracus asked, his tone calm.

  “She did, my lord. I only did as she commanded.”

  “Sir Merrimont, I believe that Beilzen should
be relieved of that which caused this offense. Mayhaps then, the women of Nazil would be safe.”

  “Aye, my lord. We must protect our women above all others. His cock is little payment for the crime that he’s committed.”

  “I want all of it. Remove his cock and sac, and cut him a slit.”

  “As you say.”

  “No, please, forgive me. I’ll do whatever you command. Please, please!”

  A loud sizzle ended his pleas as his penetrating screams filled the dark corridor. Beilzen thrashed violently, being separated from his manhood.

  He eased away, leaning in to kiss her for the last time. He couldn’t continue. The torment of his past was more than physical: the mental images and recollections were debilitating. He’d never be free from them. Beilzen felt as nothing, and he could offer her nothing.

  “Dalia,” he began again. “There’s something that you need to know. I can’t keep it from you any longer, and forgive me for not telling you before.” He took a deep breath, willing his eyes to meet hers. “I haven’t opened my heart to anyone in years. The last was Fáelán’s mother…until you. I’d hoped that you’d feel the same, but I’ve been selfish. Once you’ve learned what happened to me, about my deficiencies, I know that you’ll never return those feelings.”

  “There’s nothing in your past that would keep me from caring about you, Beilzen. That’s not who you are…that is someone you thought you needed to become. If you can’t forgive yourself, accept the forgiveness that I offer you.”

  His gaze lowered, feeling what remained of his heart begin to shatter. “I—I wish that were so. It’s not what I’ve done, it’s the repercussions that followed. I can’t—”

  “Dada, Dada,” Fáelán shouted, running through the gardens.

  Beilzen sighed. “We’re here, Fáelán.”

  “Dada!” Fáelán dashed into the clearing with Wosen, jumping into his father’s arms. Beilzen covered his face with kisses, burying him in a tight hug.

  “Did you enjoy noon meal with Uncle Wosen?” Beilzen asked, trying to regain his composure.

  “I did, Dada. Can we eat in ‘da hall for every meal?”

  Wosen eyed the couple suspiciously, narrowing his eyes.

  “Well, we can certainly try,” Beilzen said.

  “You comin’, too, Aunt Dalia?” Fáelán asked, launching himself at her.

  “If your father attends, I’ll be at his side,” she giggled, grasping Beilzen’s hand.

  Wosen’s face darkened. “Beilzen, may I have a word?”

  He sighed again. “Dalia, will you watch Fáelán while I speak with Sir Neufmarche?”

  She nodded.

  Beilzen took another calming breath, following Wosen from the clearing. After moving a distance away, Wosen halted abruptly, spinning around to face him.

  “What are you trying to do?” Wosen asked, accusingly.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know exactly what I mean. Are you pursuing a relationship with Sarai’s sister?”

  “We’re friends, Wosen, a gift little known to me of late. We’ve grown closer, yes, and we care for each other.” He raised his hand, stifling Wosen’s coming retort. “Don’t presume to lecture me, Wosen, please. I’m aware that we can’t forge a true relationship.”

  “You know, but does Dalia? Have you told her about your inability to provide her with children or intimacies? Does she understand what happened to you and why?”

  Beilzen’s face flushed, biting back his harsher response. “Not as yet. We were discussing the same when you arrived with Fáelán. I don’t need you or anyone else to remind me about my castration or inability to please a woman. I wake with that painful reality each sunrise and it plagues me even as I sleep. But that inadequacy…that defect doesn’t affect my heart or desire. Neither have been severed as my manhood was. I still have the capacity to love, Wosen, do you understand? My yearnings and desire for women hasn’t changed. I prayed that such needs would leave me, but Dalia ignited my heart, and it rages for her even now.” He looked away for a moment, steeling his resolve. Speaking that truth aloud caused despondency to nearly overwhelm him.

  “Don’t worry, Sir Neufmarche, I’m going to reveal everything to her. Once I do, I’ll lose again. Does that please you, Chosen of Nazil? Are you gladdened that the only love I’ll experience for the entirety of my life is that of my father and son? Is that a fitting propitiation for my transgressions?”

  Wosen’s expression softened, looking at him with empathy. “No. I don’t revel in anyone’s suffering…not even someone like you. You weren’t the only one tortured in the dark chamber. I hung there first, and endured more and suffered longer than you did. I’m not attempting to tear at a wound that yet lies fresh…not like you would’ve done. I’m asking you to think about what you’re doing before you hurt someone else. There’s heartache and disappointment in Dalia’s past, too. Do you truly want to exacerbate the pain she’s yet suffering?”

  Beilzen looked at him curiously, ruminating on his last statements. “I’d never intentionally hurt Dalia. I didn’t plan on opening my heart to any woman ever again. I know what I am, Sir Neufmarche, and I’ll be telling Dalia the same. She deserves much more than I could give, no matter how I wish it otherwise.”

  “Then tell her,” Wosen said. “If there’s any goodness in your heart, you won’t delay.”

  Wosen turned and then paused. “I’ll take Fáelán to the market with Hibret and me. Tell her, Beilzen,” he repeated, resuming his pace.

  Beilzen waited until Wosen emerged from the bushes, hand in hand with Fáelán. He waved at his father, leaving the gardens with Wosen. Once the doors closed, Beilzen took several sobering breaths before returning to Dalia.

  “Come, join me,” she offered, sweetly. “Would you like some more wine?”

  “No, thank you,” he said, clearing his throat. “There’s something important that I need to tell you. Wosen reminded me of the urgency of my words, and I shouldn’t have waited this long, Dalia. I’m sorry.”

  “Wosen? What words?”

  He held her hands, rubbing his thumbs over her smooth, ebon skin, being entranced by the beauty of the contrast between the two.

  “Dalia, before Wosen arrived, I was trying to tell you something. Firstly, I didn’t intend to mislead you or to hold you so dearly in my heart.” He looked into her eyes. “But that’s where you reside, and I doubt that you’ll ever leave it. I—I’ve been foolish and selfish, allowing my heart to overrule my mind. Regardless of how much I wish it, I won’t ever be able to give you what you deserve or desire. It’s not because I don’t want to,” he said, quickly. “It’s because I’m no longer able to.”

  “What? How could you know my desires or your inability to fulfill them? I don’t care about what’s past or your position. I care about you, Beilzen.”

  His heart sank, astonished by not only her sentiments, but the warmth and sorrow he felt while hearing them. How cruel fate could be, bringing her into his life now. He had to make her understand for both their sakes.

  “Dalia, I’m not talking about material possessions or coin. The Zaxson has given me a prominent and generous position in the citadel. I do well now, much better than ever before.”

  “Then what?”

  “It might seem too soon to mention bonds and intimacies, but I’m left with little choice. We haven’t known each other long enough for such considerations, but I could never offer myself to you in this manner. No matter what may lie in my heart, I can only offer you my friendship and nothing more.”

  She released his hands, turning away. “You’ve learned that I can’t give you children. I would’ve told you, Beilzen. I would have. I—I just wanted to enjoy what we have for as long as possible. It’s been far too long since anyone has wanted me for who I am, and not what I could do for them. In truth, I’m not certain that anyone ever has.”

  Beilzen’s mouth gaped, hearing her soft sobs. He was the one lacking, not her. He enfolded her in his a
rms, as she continued to weep.

  “No, Dalia, no. I didn’t know until this very moment. It’s not you, truly,” he said, kissing her softly. “It’s not you.”

  “You don’t care?”

  “No. I don’t think that would’ve mattered even before my…my mistreatment. All I know is how I feel about you.” He drew her in tighter. “Dalia, you’re lacking nothing. I couldn’t…I don’t…I—I can’t sire children, not anymore. Fáelán is the only child I’ll ever have. I can offer you my heart, but love isn’t enough. No matter how much I wish it were so,” he said, kissing her again.

  “Take your hands off her,” Sarai shouted. “Get away from my sister!”

  Beilzen jerked away, startled by her silent approach. He quickly stood, glancing from one to the other.

  “Sarai? What madness is this?” Dalia demanded, stepping in between them.

  “Madness?” she yelled, turning on Beilzen. “How dare you touch my sister.”

  “Forgive me. I didn’t mean to offend. I only—”

  “Forgive? You abuse everyone in the citadel, and then ask for forgiveness? How dare you touch her! My sister isn’t some slave that you can rape and torture. Get away from us!”

  “Sarai, what’re you saying? You don’t understand,” Dalia said, before noticing Beilzen’s hasty retreat. “No, wait. You don’t have to leave. I want you to stay.”

  He shook his head, casting his eyes downward. “No, your sister is right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. Forgive me,” he said, hurrying away.

  “Why?” Dalia asked.

  “How can you ask me that? We’ve told you about that one many times. Instead of staying away from him, you’re sneaking around and allowing him to touch you.” Her face contorted with both anger and disgust. “Do you know what he’s done, what he is?”

  “Yes, he told me, but that person no longer exists. How can we expect forgiveness if we refuse to offer it?”

  Sarai shook her head, trying to temper her tone. “Dalia, I know that you’ve suffered, but I have, too. Don’t do this, please. You’ll find someone to love you and he won’t care about your condition. Please, not Beilzen. He’s not even a man.”