Heart of the Staff - Complete Series

by Carol Marrs Phipps

  “Hello there!” said the old fellow cheerfully, as he pushed his spectacles up the bridge of his nose. “I've been expecting you, my feathered friend.”

  “Well, I sure wasn't expecting you,” said Hubba Hubba. “Or that.” He ruffled his feathers with a shake and suddenly went sleek, aiming himself at the drooling dog by the old man' feet.

  “Why, this is my lifelong loyal friend, Fifi,” said the old man, as he gave the dog a pat. “You needn't fear her, so long as you give her no reason to think you're a threat to me.”

  “What kind of threat could I be?” said Hubba Hubba. “I'm merely a wounded bird, weary from travel, here at the bidding of my mistress to deliver a message to the king.”

  “Yes, yes,” said the old man, as he unhitched the sparrows from Hubba Hubba's harness. “So you are.”

  “Hey! What are you doing with my slaves?”

  At once Fifi was directly under the window, with her feet on the wall, clenching a gravelly sound between her keen teeth. Hubba Hubba shrank back with a gasp, nearly stumbling off the sill into the courtyard below.

  “It's all right, Fifi,” said the old man. “I can handle this crow. You go lie down by the table. If I need your help, I'll let you know.”

  “Vuff!” said Fifi, flinging a string of stinking drool across Hubba Hubba's beak as she whirled and dropped onto her feet to scurry to the old man for a scratch behind the ear. She wagged all over, turning around three times to flop down onto the floor with a deep sigh of proper resolution.

  Hubba Hubba's wobbly legs quite gave out and he sat on the sill taking deep breaths trying to calm his racing heart.

  “Well now, we live and learn, don't we,” said the old man, as he gently picked up Hubba Hubba and examined his injury. “So. Sure enough. You're a little wounded, here. I'll have this patched in no time. Then we can talk.”

  He set him on one end of his table and laid out seeds and water for Chirp, Tweet and Squeak at the other end, and then disappeared to mix up medicine for the injured wing. Directly, he reappeared with two small glass beakers. “Here,” he said, offering Hubba Hubba the one filled with blue liquid and a tall frothy head. “Drink down every bit of it right quick. It won't work if the foam disappears.”

  Hubba Hubba eyed the concoction with great suspicion, then sighed and lunged at it, drinking without pause until the vessel was empty. His urge to vomit made his feathers ruffle up like a pine cone. Through his watering eyes he saw Fifi gazing keenly at him from where she lay on the rug.

  “Good. You've got it down,” said the old fellow. “Now, hold perfectly still while I dress your wound.” He daubed Hubba Hubba's wing with stinging oil from the second beaker and wrapped it with a cloth. “As you see, this smarts, but when it stops the pain will be gone, too. And in the morning, your wing will be completely healed. Now I see that you don't believe me, but you will tomorrow.

  “Now then, you must be at least as famished as your little friends. Just what is it that crows like to eat? Big corns? Little seeds...?”

  “Friends?” choked Hubba Hubba, with a ruffling shake. “Sparrows my equals? Have you no sense of social rank? Corn? Seeds? I mean grain?”

  Fifi caught his eye with a keen glance, as if she could read his thoughts. She stretched out again and yawned expansively, showing each of her huge mouthful of razor sharp teeth.

  “I mean, you've been most kind, dear sir. My slaves and I shall be forever indebted to you for all you've done. So I'm quite ashamed to say that I've never been able to manage the usual fare that my fellows are supposed to eat. I was raised in the forest we've just traveled from, where all food is mainly sukere. That's what I'm used to, and we've done without the whole way. So I certainly don't want to offend you, but if you've something very sweet and rich, I'd be most grateful.”

  “Very well, sweet and rich then. But I'm afraid sukere is quite illegal for trade, here in Niarg. But, even if I had some, I wouldn't cook with it. No one benefits from it. Besides, your poor little body is not in good shape and it is high time you did something about it.”

  Hubba Hubba frowned and drew a breath.

  The old man gave a frown of his own. “The forest you came from is a magical place, as you must know, and there you can survive by eating all the adulterated things you're used to, but this is the real world and you can't eat the same way here without dying. You're quite addicted to sukere, for that's the kind of substance it is, and we must end your slavery to it here and now, if you want to live.”

  Hubba Hubba gave a wide-eyed gulp.

  “Good. Now, don't look so forlorn, feathered one. Directly I'll have sweets so tasty that you'll not even realize that they have no sukere. You look bewildered.” He vanished into the kitchen.

  “Just who is that crazy old man?” thought Hubba Hubba. “Just how does he manage to know everything about me? My name. How does he know that? I swear none of us told him. And why is he helping me? What does he want?”

  In a trice, the old man was back with cherry cobbler, strawberry tarts, and blueberry pie. “Wow!” said Hubba Hubba. “What a feast! I should've known you were just foolin' me about the sukere and all.”

  “No I wasn't,” said the old man, as he set out the treats. “There's not one bit of sukere in any of these. However, I think they'll suit even your taste. So, which one would you fancy?”

  “What do you mean, 'which one?' You made these for me, right? Why not all three? Hey, this crow's starving here, don't you know. Do you have any idea how far I've flown without one decent meal? Here I am, weak and injured and you'd have me survive on mere rations? Can't you see that I'm wasting away here for lack of nourishment?”

  “No, actually.”

  “Yea? Well you haven't flown...” said Hubba Hubba, growing loud and stopping himself at the sight of a glint in Fifi's eye from above her crossed paws on the rug.

  “I think it'd be best if you chose just one. If you've traveled all the way from the Chokewoods with next to nothing to eat, you'll find that your stomach will have shrunk and you'll no longer be able to hold what you're used to. And, my dear crow, you're just plain fat, not to put too fine a point on it.”

  “Hey!” squawked Hubba Hubba, bristling his neck feathers.

  “If you're wise, you'll see that this is a rare opportunity to get into shape with the least effort. Wouldn't it be grand after all, if you could at least fly on your own, again? When's the last time you did that? No my friend, I'm afraid that out of concern for you, I must insist that you choose just one dish, but I'm quite confident that you're in for a most pleasant surprise.”

  Hubba Hubba didn't believe the old man in the least, but he could see his grand smile, and how could he refuse his hospitality, anyway? Besides, there was that dog watching. “Fates!” he thought. “Those three dishes have to be sour. And fast. I didn't realize anyone else could cook as fast as Ugleeuh.” By now Ugleeuh would have smacked him for troubling her with so much hesitation. “All right. All right.” he blurted out. “I'll have the cobbler.”

  “Good choice ol' boy,” said the old fellow with a nod. “I'd 'ave chosen the cobbler myself.” He pushed the cobbler in front of Hubba Hubba and took a seat at the table.

  With the old man and Fifi both watching, Hubba Hubba ruled out slipping the dish under the table. He closed his eyes, bracing himself for the sourest and took a bite. His eyes flew open in amazement. He took another bite and another and ravenously finished the cobbler. He looked up and blinked. “There had to 'ave been sukere in that cobbler,” he said. “It tasted exactly like the cherry cobbler Ugleeuh fixes.”

  “I expect it did,” said the old man. “After all, she got the recipe from me. Of course, I don't adulterate mine with sukere.”

  “You know Ugleeuh?” said Hubba Hubba. Suddenly he froze. “You're Razzmorten! And I'm doomed!”

  “Thought you already knew,” said Razzmorten. “And what's this 'doomed' business? My word. If I were going to harm you, why would I go to all the trouble to fix your wound and fee
d you?”

  “I don't know,” said Hubba Hubba, glancing about for an escape, “maybe Ugleeuh got her other recipes from you too, like the one for sweet and sour crow.”

  “Sweet and sour crow? I thought you were Ugleeuh's pet, not her livestock.”

  “Yea? Well, so did I, but after all she's put me through lately, I've got my doubts. So look, if all you're going to do is eat me, then just do it and get it over with. This crow's had nothing but stress out the ol' wazoo, and I'm really getting tired of it.” He fluffed up all his feathers with a good shake and glared at him, waiting to die.

  “Well, if you're expecting to get eaten, I'm afraid you're in for a disappointment. You really don't know when someone's helping you, do you? Looks like Ugleeuh's given you a rather crippled view of the world. Or perhaps just of me?”

  “Hey, just because I'm a crow, you think I've not got a brain? You're the one who banished Ugleeuh to the Chokewoods. You. Her very own father. And you know that I'm her pet. Therefore, it follows that you'd consider me the enemy. So just why would you be kind and helpful to the enemy? Absolutely nobody does anything for anyone else, especially an enemy, unless he wants something in return.”

  “That certainly sounds like my daughter. However, since I'm the most powerful sorcerer on the continent, don't you think that if I wanted something from you, I could get it with ease? Treating you humanely is hardly worth the bother.”

  “Whoa!” said Hubba Hubba, with his feathers standing on end as he backed away. “Wait just a minute! You expect me to believe you're just a kind hearted old man, when you sentenced your very own daughter to live out the rest of her days in a monster infested woods, just because she had a sweet tooth? Kind hearted doesn't do that to his own flesh and blood.”

  “So that's what she told you about her exile, that she had a taste for sukere?”

  “Well, that dumb knight, found dead with some of her sukere on him, that's pretty weak, don't you think? I mean, a dragon killed him, not Ugleeuh. Even if her sukere did weaken him, she hardly force fed him, now did she?”

  “I'm afraid there's 'way more to the story than my dear daughter's told you, my friend, but I shouldn't expect anything else,” said Razzmorten, as he removed his spectacles and massaged the bridge of his nose. “It's easy to see why you reckon that I'm a monster. Oh my! Ugleeuh's my youngest, and she's caused me nothing but anguish. And she's managed to give grief to everyone she's ever dealt with, except to my late and unlamented twin. One would think she was his daughter. But I'll not waste your time with my heartaches.

  “Sir Chester was anything but some dumb knight. His valor was widely known and respected. And his flamboyant and flawless skill as a jouster made him an immensely popular public figure. He bravely faced the evil dragon Razorback to keep him from burning Niarg's farms. His death was a great loss and the entire kingdom mourned him. And when word leaked out that the insidious sukere canna, which had just been made illegal by a public vote, was found with his remains, the people of Niarg were furious about it, too. They knew where his sukere came from, and they demanded Ugleeuh's immediate punishment. King Hebraun and I felt that banishing her was the best way to satisfy the public and to protect Ugleeuh at the same time.” Razzmorten gave a heavy sigh.

  It seemed to Hubba Hubba that there must be more to the story. He ran his beak the length of three or four flight feathers while he thought about it. “So,” he said as he snapped his wings and straightened up. “You want me to believe that you exiled Ugleeuh just for giving someone sukere, no matter how illegal it was, and no matter how ill meaning she was? Something's missing. I mean, you couldn't keep a few score flaming farmers out of the castle dungeon with the most powerful army on the continent? And the best you could do to help out your very own daughter was to banish her from the only home she had ever known to the horrors of the Chokewoods?”

  “It was the only right and moral solution,” said Razzmorten, with the first faint tinge of irritation to enter his voice since their arrival. “Yes, it was all we could do.” With that, he was on his feet, hands behind his head, pacing in distracted circles. Fifi rose to her haunches too, with her eyes keenly fixed on Hubba Hubba.

  “Of course, I see your predicament,” said Hubba Hubba, keeping a wary eye on Fifi. “You couldn't exactly defy the whole kingdom just for the sake of one person, even if the person happened to be your own flesh and blood. Sooner or later your reputation as the great and just wizard would have been forever tainted.”

  Razzmorten shook his head from side to side in disagreement, bearing a pained look.

  “Now what did I say wrong?”

  “Nothing that I shouldn't have expected, considering Ugleeuh's influence on the way you view the world,” said Razzmorten with a deep sigh. “You're quite right about one thing, though. There's more to the story, but I'm not at liberty to tell that part. I fear you'll simply have to trust that Ugleeuh was not banished for vain or capricious reasons. And just for the record, I've never once in my life done things to other people for the mere sake of my reputation, and I truly hope that eventually you will come to have a less tainted opinion of me.”

  “I think you really mean that,” said Hubba Hubba, with wonder in his voice. “What I don't understand is why my opinion should matter to you. I am after all, Ugleeuh's pet, here to deliver an extortion note to the king and queen. I'd think that you'd just as soon take me to the throne so that I can complete my task and be on my way and out of your hair. There really isn't any reason to concern yourself with any of this, you know.”

  “I do have my reasons,” he said as he fiddled with his spectacles. “But perhaps you're right and perhaps it would be best if I were to take you to the king as soon as possible and be done with you.”

  Hubba Hubba eyed the remaining desserts on the table. It occurred to him that Razzmorten's 'reasons' might be worth hearing about. “All right, all right!” he blurted out irritably, hoping the wizard wouldn't get the idea that he cared. “So what are these mysterious reasons of yours, anyway? It's obvious that you're dying to tell me, or else you wouldn't have put it the way you did. So since I'm still hungry, I'll let you get it off your chest if you'll let me eat that strawberry tart and blueberry pie. After all, they're, just sitting there going to waste, so that's another favor I'm doing you for nothing.”

  “Kind of you to let an old man have his way,” he said, rolling his wide eyes. “I see no reason why you couldn't eat while I rattle on. Yes. Do me a favor. Help yourself. He paused, watching Hubba Hubba shamelessly heave himself at the blueberry pie, ramming his beak into the whipped cream, up to his eyes. “Perhaps I'm concerned about you because I feel responsible for your position as Ugleeuh's pet...”

  “Hey, that makes no sense at all Wiz,” said Hubba Hubba with brassy black eyes as he gave a frothy woof from within the pie. “Why in the forest would you feel that way?”

  “You just might catch on if you keep quiet and let me finish before you go sticking in your beak.”

  “Fine! Be that way. I won't make another peep. Ramble on.”

  Razzmorten opened his mouth only to be interrupted by the sparrows, fluttering to land on the brim of his pointed hat. “At least the three of you find what I have to say worth listening to,” he said.

  “Maybe if you didn't have on that hat in the house, we wouldn't be interrupted,” said Hubba Hubba, forgetting his vow as he glared at the slaves.

  “The point on this hat may indeed be the only point I get to have in front of this company,” he said with a squint at Hubba Hubba.

  Hubba Hubba jerked back from the pie, smacked his beak once, and stood wide eyed, waiting.

  “Ugleeuh surely mustn't have told you how she came by you. It was I who bought you from a peddler in the village of Far, just before you were weaned, as a gift for Ugleeuh on her eighteenth birthday. I'm sorry to say that she wasn't at all pleased or impressed with you. In fact, she gave you to her half-sister and told her that if she didn't want you, she'd just drown you and be
done with you.”

  “Ugleeuh gave me away? She was going to drown me? But she always told me how much she loved me. Until the sweet and sour crow thing, that is. But if she did all of that, why'd she take me with her to the Chokewoods and care for me all these years?”

  “As I said, she gave you to her half-sister, Minuet, the queen, who I'm ashamed to say Ugleeuh hated with a passion. Minuet adored you and doted on all of your antics...”

  “Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hold it, hold it! Minuet? Are you telling me that the queen of Niarg is Ugleeuh's sister?”

  “Yes, half-sister, and both of them my daughters. You see, Minuet's mother died when she gave birth to her. Motherhood may be deeper and more arcane than wizardry, and I had no idea how to take care of so small a baby, so I hired a wet-nurse and nanny for her, whom I eventually married. Big mistake, big mistake! I was in too much of a hurry to have a mother and proper home for Minuet. Her name was Demonica, and things went well until Ugleeuh was born. In a matter of weeks though, it became clear that she was an imposter and a thief. She was caught red-handed stealing the crown jewels. She fled the kingdom and has never been seen or heard of by anyone here since. She left the girls behind for me to raise as best I could. And my best fell short altogether for Ugleeuh, though Minuet turned out wonderfully. No doubt Ugleeuh has attributed that to my showing a preference for her older sister, but I tell you truly, upon my honor and my life: I never favored one of my daughters over the other. Ever.”

  Hubba Hubba sat back with a blubbery plump on the table top.

  “When Ugleeuh vanished,” said Razzmorten, “she stole you from Minuet as an act of spite and revenge. Poor Minuet was heartbroken. King Hebraun searched far and wide for another pet bird for her, and eventually found the parrot that they have to this day. But mark me, you still have a right special place in the queen's heart. And one other thing. But I'm not sure that I...”