“Did they say anything?”
“Regular Niarg. The one with the sling said, 'Go away.'“
“That's all?”
“Yea. But I understood him, all right. He'd have said more if you'd been there.”
“Really? So why's that, brother dear?”
“Well you'd have made him explain why, Poop Hole.”
“You've recovered entirely too quickly.”
“Maybe,” he said, jerking away, “but at least I've not lost my sense of humor over it.”
“Yea? Well, since your sense of humor stinks, maybe you should lose it.”
“We're really getting into the marsh, now,” said Fuzz halting for a moment. “You're going to need all the humor you can muster. Be very careful and watch your step. Especially, watch for the goo pits. Now, just stay put for a spell. I've got to check ahead some.” With that he vanished, leaving them to wonder what “goo pits” were and what they should do if they found one.
Suddenly Fuzz was back at a run, madly waving his arms. “Gobblers!” he hollered. “A whole company of them! Get off the path!” He pointed through the peppermint trees. “You two go that way! I'll go distract them! Go! I'll find you in the marsh after I lose the runts! Now go!” He vanished into the rushes before they could reply.
They ran as fast and as hard as they could. Without warning, Rose plunged up to her knees in some sticky white goo and with her first frightened steps, immediately sank further into it. “Lukus!” she cried. “Get me out of here!”
“I will, Rose! I will! I just have to figure out how!” He froze in panic. She was struggling frantically, already up to her waist in the stuff.
“Rose! Don't move around at all! It looks like every time you move, you sink! I have to find a branch or something to pull you out!”
“Lukus! I'm scared!”
“I know!” he said, forcing himself sound calm. “So am I! Just hold perfectly still, whatever you do, and I'll get you out!” He desperately cast about for something, anything to pull her out with. He glanced back to where he'd thrown down his pack and spied a dead tree about ten rods farther away. “Surely I could find a limb I could use, over there,” he thought. “I'll be right back!” he hollered, breaking into a run.
“Don't leave me here!” she wailed, but he was already gone. As she slowly sank, she found it nearly impossible to stay still. However, it became quite clear that even the tiniest movement did indeed cause her to sink at a much more alarming rate. She forced herself to stillness. She tried to see where Lukus had gone, but the sun was in her eyes. Slowly, slowly she raised one hand to shade her eyes from the sun. She was elated to find him already on his way back, running as fast as his legs would carry him. Her joy suddenly turned to terror when she saw that he was being chased by a whole troop of filthy little men brandishing spears and whirling slings.
One of the runts let fly with his sling, hitting Lukus squarely in the back of the head. He fell, rolling to a crumpled halt as though he surely were dead.
“Noooo!” she screamed. The Gobblers halted in their tracks and spied her immediately. They surrounded her on all sides, avoiding the goo. She was already up to her neck and her struggles at the sight of Lukus's doom had her only a few heartbeats away from going completely under. A Gobbler offered her the butt of his spear.
“If you just wait a bit, I'll be dead!” she snapped. “Why waste a good weapon?”
The Gobbler went wide-eyed. “Well grab the spear missy!” he growled. “We're trying to pull you out.”
Rose blinked in dumbfounded surprise.
“You haven't much time, sweetheart!” barked the Gobbler. “Do you want out of there or do you want to die all stupid?”
Rose grabbed the spear, grateful that she had chanced to keep her arms up, to shade her eyes from the sun. It took them a small eternity to pull her out. At last she managed to yank out her leg with a blubbery, slurping suck.
They let her lie on the ground to recover. Presently she sat up. “I don't understand,” she sobbed. “You just killed my brother. Why did you bother to save me?”
A score of Gobblers scowled above their sticky dirt streaked bellies. “We did not kill your brother!” roared the one who offered the spear. “If he be the one we just beaned, he's quite alive. We don't kill strong, young beasts. Do we look that stupid?”
“Absolutely,” she thought as she winced at his arm flinging gestures.
“He's much too valuable to us as a slave. You, dear, will also be quite a prize as a slave for our king.”
“You can't do that!” she cried. “I'm Rose, Princess of Niarg and my brother is Lukus, Prince of the same. My father, the king, will have your heads on pikes if you try to take us for slaves.”
“There is no try to it, Princess. We've done it already, don't you see,” said the runt as he made a mocking bow. “My name is Count Spoyal and I command this fine army. You and your sleeping brother trespass on King Greedigut's lands. It's his sovereign right to punish you as he sees fit. And slavery is the usual privilege which he grants to beasts such as you two. Your father has no jurisdiction here.” He nodded to his men and seven of his soldiers stepped forth to bind her hands and feet. And before she quite grasped what was happening, she and Lukus were heaved into a straw filled cart drawn by seven giant pink spoonbills.
Chapter 46
By the time they reached Razzmorten's tower, Hubba Hubba had so many questions, that he scarcely knew where to begin. “Wow! She's beautiful!” he blurted out as the door closed behind them. “Razzmorten, why didn't you tell me she looked like that?”
“Yes, yes, Minuet is quite lovely,” said Razzmorten as he set Hubba Hubba onto the table. “I never mentioned it because I didn't think human looks mattered much to crows.
“Not the queen!” squawked Hubba Hubba, pacing back and forth in agitation. “She's nothing compared to Pebbles. Good grief Wiz! How 'bout her feathers absolutely shimmering in the light? They're almost iridescent. Minuet doesn't even have feathers. And did you see how Pebbles shrinks her pupils? Her throbbing red irises are like full stops of pure sensuality. Drove me crazy. And her adorable little beak. I just feel like some clumsy letter opener. Wiz, I'm in love.”
Shrill laughter erupted from under the table. Hubba Hubba frowned and peered over the edge to find the three sparrows stumbling about in a fit of mirth in Fifi's fur. “So. Just what do you guys think is so funny?” he said with a dangerous glint in his eye. “There's nothing funny about what I just said, so you have to be laughing at something else. Maybe you'd better tell me, so I can have a good laugh, too.”
The sparrows went sober at once. “It was a kind of a sparrow's joke, master.” squeaked Chirp. “You'd like as not find it pointless and boring.”
“Try me,” he rattled acidly.
The sparrows exchanged wide-eyed looks. “Well, it goes like this,” tweeted Squeak, “What do you get when you cross a parrot and a crow?”
Hubba Hubba wiped his beak on the edge of the table, then resumed his jaundiced peering over the edge, saying nothing.
“No, no,” tweeted Squeak. “You don't get it. You're supposed to say, 'I don't know. What do you get when you cross a parrot and a crow?'“
“All right, all right! So just what do you get when you cross a parrot and a crow? And it better be good.”
“A carrot and a prow,” chirped Tweet with a dry swallow.
“I may have to walk with a cane after all these convulsions of laughter,” said Hubba Hubba sullenly. “Idiots. I happen to be a parrot and a crow. Do I look like a carrot? Actually, I'm a parrot altogether and not a crow at all.”
“But Master,” squeaked Chirp. “The three of us have always been so very convinced by how much like a crow you do indeed manage to appear.”
“You better believe it,” said Hubba Hubba, startling them with a laugh. “But one way or the other, I intend to get Ugleeuh to change me back. How else can I win the heart of that vision of loveliness who has captured my soul?”
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br /> The sparrows weren't quite sure whether Hubba Hubba had gone loony, so they were grateful to see Razzmorten step back into the room with a dusty old perch. “Well now, this perch is in better shape than I thought it would be after all these years,” he said with a grunt as he set it by the table. “It was yours when you were just a little fellow. I hope it's big enough for you now that you are, shall we say, an adult.”
Hubba Hubba looked askance at the perch but managed to sidle carefully onto it for a try, all the same. When it didn't collapse, he gingerly took a few steps back and forth. It didn't even creak. “Thanks, Wiz,” he said, satisfied that it was stronger then it looked. “I'll be quite comfortable here.”
“Oh good, good. I'd hoped so,” said Razzmorten. “Now, why don't you get some sleep? We'll have plenty of time to talk in the morning.”
“Now that you mention it, I am mighty tired,” said Hubba Hubba as his bill dropped to his breast in a yawn that ended with a huge shake and ruffling of feathers. “But, I have so many questions to ask first.”
“And I suppose these questions can't possibly wait 'till tomorrow?”
“Oh, most I suppose, but I'd really like to know a few things before then.”
“Fair enough,” said Razzmorten, as he pulled up a chair beside Hubba Hubba's perch and sat down. “How 'bout if I answer any three questions you choose right now, and all others wait 'till morning?”
“Hey, you got a deal Wiz. And the first thing I want to know is why in the Forest did you promise Minuet that you'd keep Rose and Lukus safe? Of course you'd want to. I know that. But even you can't guarantee their safety with Ugleeuh involved. Or maybe you don't realize how much her powers have increased since you sent her into exile. And pardon my saying so, but she really hates you, don't you know, and the king and queen, too,” he said, not quite able to make himself meet Razzmorten's eyes to see the deep pain there.
“I do know these things, Hubba Hubba, indeed, I do,” said Razzmorten with tired resignation. “I had to give Minuet hope. I had to give her hope that her children would return safely. And I would like to have given her hope that her only sister might still retain some scant shred of human decency.”
Hubba Hubba cocked his head wide eyed. “Do you think she still does?” he said. “Ugleeuh I mean. Retain any human decency, that is.”
“I wish I could say yes to your question, Hubba Hubba, but I'm afraid I know better. I'm sorry,” said Razzmorten, shaking his head. “I know that you learnt to care for her and that she claimed to love you, but she's done far too many evil things to good people, even to people who cared enough for her that they never would have thought of doing anything bad to her.” He leant back in his chair and stared far away, somewhere.
Hubba Hubba did not miss the glistening streak that ran down the old fellow's cheek. He straightened up on his perch, shook himself and sorted through a few feathers on his shoulder as he considered Ugleeuh's endless ranting about Razzmorten and the royal couple. It occurred to him that he'd not seen evidence for any of Ugleeuh's claims. He was astounded that after all these years, Razzmorten still could be brought to tears for such a stinker as Ugleeuh. She'd never cried for Razzmorten nor yet, anyone at all. She just went into rages and destroyed things. He opened his feathers for a good shake, but closed them, instead. “I reckon she loves me as much as she can love anything, which ain't very damned much,” he thought as he looked at Razzmorten, who was composed and patiently waiting for his next two questions. “Hey Wiz, you're an all right fellow,” he croaked, feeling his own eyes go blinking wet for the first time that he could ever remember. “You'd sit up all night if you thought I needed it. You really would. You know, Wiz, I think I actually am too tired right now for conversation, so maybe we should just call it a night and go at it again tomorrow when we're both fresh. What do ye think?”
“Why that's a fine idea, a fine idea,” said Razzmorten with a look of touched relief. “We'll get a good night's rest and have a great talk in the morning after a right nice breakfast, aye?”
Hubba Hubba nodded.
“Well then, you go to roost now,” he said, rising stiffly, “Now good night.”
“Good night.
“Boy. I sure hope I can sleep now,” said Hubba Hubba, the moment Razmorten had closed his door. But as the avalanche of all that had ever happened to him swept through his ebony feathered head, he was soundly asleep.
For Razzmorten, it was another story. He lit a brace of candles, standing alone on the table with a large crystal ball. He heaved a heavy sigh. “Well, my furry companion,” he murmured to Fifi, who had slipped in at his feet, “how do you reckon Rose and Lukus are faring on their adventure, just now?” He sat before the ball at once, growing very still as he peered into the orb. Fifi cocked her head in the silence.
“The perimeter of the Chokewoods!” he thundered, upsetting chair and candles as he sprang to his feet. He motioned with distracted nonchalance and the candles and chair stood themselves upright at once as he paced furious circles, stroking his chin. “She's got her protections up. She must have sensed someone other than Hubba Hubba scrying her. Of course. Where was my mind? I should have known. Had I let Hubba Hubba do the scrying, she'd never have been the wiser.” He sat down with a plump and put his face in his hands. “Truly. I'm slipping. I must be getting old.”
Fifi thumped her tail on the floor, gazing up at Razzmorten with adoration.
“What shall we do now?” he sighed, as he scratched her ears. He gave her a final pat, snapped his fingers at the candles and fell into a restless slumber in the blackness.
In short order, the sun streamed through the window, waking him. He arose fully alert and slipped out, with Fifi at his heels. As he was tiptoeing to the kitchen, the door gave a squeak that had Hubba Hubba awake at once. “Good morning. Sorry I woke you. Did you sleep well?”
“Same to you, Wiz,” said Hubba Hubba, sounding fully awake, as he thrust back a foot beneath an outstretched wing. “So, what are you and Lather Lips going to whip up for breakfast?”
“Mercy! You need to be nicer to Fifi. She can see how it all is, and I doubt that she likes being insulted any more than you do. Besides, she has her teeth, and it might simply be nice if the two of you got along. You're not going to impress Pebbles by being a bully.”
Hubba Hubba straightened up on his perch at once at this. “You're right Wiz, too much Ugleeuh. I'm mending my ways right now, starting with ol' Lather Li...I mean dog... Fifi. I hereby apologize and promise to do my best to treat Fifi with kindness and respect from here on.”
“Good start. Now, I expect you'll be wanting breakfast, so if you'll excuse me for a bit, I'll see what I can do.”
“Righty-o,” said Hubba Hubba, dropping his beak to his breast with a yawn, as he stretched out his other leg and wing. “Hey. Don't go to too much trouble in there, just for me. A few dozen cookies and a nice coffee cake will do fine.”
Razzmorten glanced back at Hubba Hubba as the door went closed. “Hmm,” he said.
Fifi wagged her tail knowingly as she followed him to the larder.
When the door went shut, Hubba Hubba peered under first one then the other of his feet. “Man! This perch does seem familiar.” He ruffled up his feathers and shook. “Awk! You idiot sparrows and your infernal morning song. Yuck! 'Tweety tweety tweet! Turds stick to yer feet! Atweety tweety tweet!'“ he mocked, tossing his head from side to side. “And you ones all sing at once, but never in unison. You clockwork simpletons. You...”
With a bang of the kitchen door, Razzmorten was back with a silver tray full of goodies. “Now then,” he said, with a spread of even teeth. “Let me give these seeds and vegetables to your three little pals, then you and I can have a nice breakfast and chat.”
“No problem, Wizzo,” he said, wincing as he choked back a retort about his slaves as his friends. “Take all the time you need.” Then at the sight of the tasty fare, he paced from side to side, anxiously pointing himself at the table. Directly, Razzmorten
pulled up a chair and removed the cover from one of the dishes on the tray. Hubba Hubba bounded onto the table with a swoop. “What is this?” he squawked in wide-eyed shock. A little joke, right? I mean, you don't really expect me to eat that, do you?”
“No. You're free to refuse what you please. You're not a prisoner here, you know. There are seven different types of grains here, see?” he said, pushing the dish closer to Hubba Hubba. “Very healthy stuff. Not at all fattening. Nice and filling.” He uncovered carrot and celery sticks, broccoli and lettuce, and with a twinkle in his eye, uncovered apple and pear slices, raisins, and several kinds of berries.
Hubba Hubba was speechless. Razzmorten just smiled. Hubba Hubba resignedly took a slice of apple. Razzmorten grinned hugely and nodded. “You'll get used to it before you know it.” He gave Hubba Hubba a nice, feather ruffling scratch. “Soon you'll wonder how you ever could have poisoned yourself with what you ate before.”
“I jolly well doubt it.”
Razzmorten sat back in his chair with a sigh, folding his arms. “You're not about to let this be easy, so it seems. Changed your mind about Pebbles, have you?”
Hubba Hubba went frantically compliant, gobbling down his sour apple slice and lunging for another.
Chirp, Squeak and Tweet tittered riotously at the sudden change in their master's demeanor. Chirp coyly batted his eyes, doing a spontaneous mime of Pebbles, while Squeak did a farcical interpretation of Hubba Hubba swooning over his love. Tweet laughed so hard he fell off his perch. Hubba Hubba was so intent on gagging down his fare to look nice for Pebbles that he didn't notice at all, making it all the more hilarious for them. Razzmorten noticed, raising his finger to his twinge of a grin as he gave his head a wee shake.
“Wait a minute,” croaked Hubba Hubba, stopping suddenly to smack his dirty beak. “No, I've not changed my mind about Pebbles. She's everything I've ever dreamed of and more. But I can't see how eating this, this stuff you call 'food' is going to turn me back into my old self so she'll notice me.”
Heart of the Staff - Complete Series Page 50