“Oh, it won't do that. That's what we'll have to convince Ugleeuh to do.”
“So what's the stinking point?”
“The 'stinking point' is that you aren't going to live long enough to get Ugleeuh to change you back if you don't change the way you eat, this minute. If you keep eating the way you have been, then you will have to return to the Peppermint Forest to live out your days. If you truly want to stay here, then the only way you'll live to do so is if you eat better, now.”
“Oh,” said Hubba Hubba in a wee voice, as he stared off into nowhere. “All right, All right,” he said with sudden, booming resolve. “If that's what I must do, then that is indeed what I will do.”
“He's got it bad,” squeaked Chirp, with open beaked astonishment.
“Yea?” said Hubba Hubba. “Well, maybe I've got it good. And before you think that's funny, it will happen to you guys sooner or later, so don't be smug. Besides, you haven't seen her. She's so very green and... Hey! Now, what are you guys laughing at?”
“Oh nothing, really,” chirped Tweet. “Chirp thought that if you were so keen on green, maybe you'd do just as well to go back to Ugleeuh. Can't get much greener 'n' that.”
“You ones are starting to get on my nerves. Death could be one of your options at this point.”
Razzmorten knitted his brow at this, as the sparrows became quite interested in their breakfast again.
“All right, All right. You don't have to say it, Wiz. So I've got to change some of my behavior as well. Give me a break, all right? I've been like this for a long time now, don't you know, and you just can't expect miracles overnight. I need some patience and help here.”
“And you shall have it,” said Razzmorten with an approving nod. “But, don't be discouraged. You've already taken the first and most important step towards change.”
“I have? How'd I do that?”
“Why, by realizing on your own that you needed to. You'll be surprised at how much easier it'll be now. Just remember, you were not always Ugleeuh's crow. You were once Minuet's noble parrot.”
“Yea. That is right. I was, wasn't I? Well then, I guess I have it in me to be so again. And that brings up one of the things I had on my mind last night,” he said, pausing to arrange two or three feathers under his wing before plunging on. “Well, I was just wondering if you could give me some suggestions as to how to win Pebbles's heart?” He glanced self consciously at the sparrows. The three were already perked up with obvious amusement and curiosity. Hubba Hubba gave them a dirty look, but they boldly held their ground this time, reminding him that he was rapidly loosing his power over them.
The exchange was not lost on Razzmorten. He gave his hoary pate a thoughtful scratch as his eyes lit up with a smile. He stirred his hands in the air with a jubilant mumble and three more sparrows were flitting about the room in breathless confusion.
“Oh great! That's just what I need, Razzmorten old pal. Now there are six snoops for me to put up with instead of three. Do you enjoy torturing me or what?”
“Just be patient and watch.”
“Watch what?” said Hubba Hubba. And then he saw: Chirp, then Squeak, then Tweet each flew to land in front of a newcomer. Each fluffed up his feathers and strutted around madly, throwing back his head and singing his version of the infernal morning song as if he were some crazy juggling, tumbling clown on parade. The newly arrived sparrows replied with huffy disgust, turning their backs and dodging away with short fluttering hops, beaks aloof. Chirp, Squeak, and Tweet would incessantly flitter ahead, cutting off their escape with excited chattering.
“I take it,” said Hubba Hubba, that the new ones are hens?”
“Indeed they are,” said Razzmorten, with an amused gleam in his eyes.
They watched spellbound as Chirp, Tweet, and Squeak ruffled, strutted and chirped, only to be rejected time and again by the females. Suddenly, Tweet flew out the window.
“All right! Good riddance!” cheered Hubba Hubba.
And just as quickly, Tweet triumphantly winged back in with a bleeding, writhing rear two thirds of an earthworm held fast in his beak. He landed in front of the hen of his fancy and offered her his prize.
“Oh puke!” rattled Hubba Hubba, turning away.
The female hesitated a moment, then grabbed the morsel and gobbled it down with lunging gulps. At once she and Tweet set up a furious rustle and chatter that ended abruptly with their winging away to a corner for a very quiet tete-a-tete.
At the sight of this, Chirp and Squeak flew out the window at once. In short order they returned with a kicking and partly crushed dung beetle apiece, and soon all of the sparrows were paired off in separate corners, hunkering and murmuring about nesting materials.
“Can I look now, Wiz?” said Hubba Hubba with a throaty shudder.
“Certainly.”
“Wiz? Does this little demonstration mean I have to clown around in front of Pebbles like a fool and then feed her something completely vomitous with my bare beak and tongue before...” he hesitated as a convulsive shudder ran through him, “before she'll have anything to do with me?”
“You may have missed the point. I was showing them just how your very prediction would come to pass, and I was trying to show you that what you really need to do is just what comes naturally. You and she being, shall we say, more advanced, a little gift of flowers and seeds and perhaps a nice song. And a romantic word here and there never hurts.”
“Well how could that work? In case you've forgotten, pal, I'm still a crow. Pebbles is a parrot. So what part of 'comes naturally' do I do? Natural crow or natural parrot? And if it's crow, how 'bout a verse of 'Caw, Caw, Caw?' Hey. That is my song, don't ye know. How 'bout some black satin flowers? Pebbles will think I'm a fool. That's not my objective here. You've got to think of something else, something to make her forget I'm a crow who's a little out of shape.”
“You're a crow on the outside only, my friend,” said Razzmorten. “Inside, you're what you've always been: a spectacular double yellow head parrot. That's how you must behave. In the meantime, I can help you eat right and get back into shape. Why, you're going to trim up in no time. And your behavior is starting to come along already. I'd say you should decide to fly on your own again, too. It's time you tried. Have your three little friends take you on some flights so you can. It'll do wonders. If you really want Pebbles badly enough, you'll do it.”
“Are you sure you can't just change me back into a parrot, yourself? It would really simplify matters, don't ye know. If I'm truly as smashing as you and Minuet say, Pebbles couldn't resist, could she?”
“Probably not. But I'm afraid that I mustn't attempt to break Ugleeuh's spell on you. It would be far too risky. No, I'm sorry to say that as long as Ugleeuh is alive, her curse will be on you, that is of course, unless she removes it herself.”
“I have this really bad feeling that old Pickle Nose will never cooperate, Wiz. She hates parrots, don't ye know. How could I explain anything to her? She'd have the fire stoked and roaring before I got halfway through my say. I'd be a belch between her lips before I could beg for mercy. She'd get a kick out of it, but she sure ain't got any mercy. Nope. Never work. Better to chance surviving your tampering with her spell.”
“That's no chance at all. But please don't lose hope. I don't yet know what it might be, but we very well may find a way, even if it's only to convince Minuet to let us turn Pebbles into a crow.”
Hubba Hubba went wide-eyed at this. He opened his beak, clacked it shut and shook his head. “No! Pebbles shouldn't have to go through what I've been through. We're talking about love here, Wiz. I'm crazy about her now, and I'll undoubtedly love her by then. What kind of love makes a prisoner of someone? Very well, partial prisoner, but I just couldn't.”
“Ah! You sound truly worthy of love. But 'prisoner' depends...”
“Well I certainly feel worthy, pal. But turning two parrots black? Hey, that just makes Ugleeuh win one more round. And I don't think Minuet would
approve of that at all.”
Razzmorten nodded with a sigh as he studied the backs of his hands. “I expect you're right, but then again, it is indeed something to keep in the back of our minds. Meanwhile, let's put our heads together and see if we can't think of some way to trick Ugleeuh into making you a parrot again, shall we?”
Hubba Hubba glanced around at his happy thralls who were busy building nests and nodded.
Chapter 47
Fuzz was exhausted. He had struggled futilely for hours against the sinews the Gobblers had bound him with. His wrists and ankles had been quite raw for a good long while. He was desperately worried for Rose and Lukus, and in spite of his years as a decorated soldier, he was in a losing battle with panic. At last, weariness came on him in such a way that he had no grasp of his passage into a fitful slumber.
He was writhing and rolling about in the throes of a nightmare about the Gobblers returning to enslave him. They wrestled and kicked him and cut him up with jabs from their spear points, loading him into one of their carts. As the terror became unbearable, he heard someone amongst them call out his name over and over. “How do Gobblers know my name?” he bellowed, rolling face up as he opened his eyes. “I can't see!”
“That's because it's after dark, Fuzz.”
“Who...?”
“I'm Spark, Fuzz. You know, Spark!”
“Oh! Thanks be! We're delivered! Could you be so kind as to...?”
“Loosen your bindings? Absolutely. Pardon me, it's so dark, I'll have to...” said Spark as he conjured a bright green mage light between the palms of his hands. He set to at once, gnawing and picking at Fuzz's sinews. “Ah. Got that one. You'll have to roll over.”
“You know Spark, it's been so long, I'd nearly forgotten that you could do that sort of thing,” said Fuzz, as he licked at a freed wrist.
“Oh, it languishes. I was born with it, but I'm so feebly endowed, I don't fool with it for much of anything. Actually I don't remember having done anything with it in front of you before. Say. How'd you end up out here? Gobblers, I'd reckon, but I can't imagine you allowing yourself to get caught. Can you stand?”
“Whoa!” said Fuzz, pitching forward onto his knees. “Like a round bottomed bucket. I don't have any feeling in 'em yet, either. Yea, Gobblers! I...”
“'Scuse Fuzz, there's a little chocolate creek right here. Let's get you a drink. So. You were saying about the Gobblers? What were you doing out here?”
“Taking care of unfinished business in the service of the crown as Captain of the Royal Guard of Niarg, would you believe. And I still don't have it taken care of.”
“What?”
“I was escorting the very prince and princess of Niarg to the sea to escape Ugleeuh, when we were waylaid by the sticky little curses.”
“And they captured the prince and princess?”
“Almost certainly, but we were separated by my trying to divert them. They got me too quick. Rose and Lukus couldn't have had enough time to escape.”
“Rose and Lukus. I'll bet they're the two Ugleeuh had with her this last spring when the Chocolate Volcano blew. She brought them along when she came up the mountain to insult and threaten me.”
“They're her niece and nephew, would you believe?”
“No kidding. Why, they're nice looking kids.”
“Well Queen Minuet, who's quite lovely, is Ugleeuh's half sister. And I've lost her kids for her, unless I come up with something immediately,” said Fuzz as he rolled off his haunches and picked up an ankle to lick. “And I surely don't know how I'm going to do that. A thousand to one, they've taken them straight to the Gobbler castle, and that place is a fortress, quite a bastion indeed, bristly with little pike men all over, and a moat full of chocodiles. I couldn't have managed by myself back when I was a man at arms, let alone now that I'm a bear without arms. I've nothing with me, not even my miserable little dress dirk which is in a trunk in my den.”
“Gobblers are nasty critters, all right,” said Spark as he carefully enlarged a mage light and set it upon the ground between them to glow like a campfire. “Their young highnesses will never escape without help.”
“So, will you help me rescue them? It's either the two of us or nobody.”
“I hate Gobblers. They've taken over all the very best chocolate licks. I've always got bruises all over from their slings and rock candy.”
“Then let's get 'em!” said Fuzz with a crackle of unexpected ferocity, as he smacked his paw with his fist. “Let's fix 'em! Let's get 'em back for the rock candy and for my awful nap, all tied up. And most of all, help out two splendid young people.”
“She stood up to Ugleeuh for me, the princess. 'Rose,' you say she is? Oh, it was nothing really, but right nice of her all the same.”
“Then you certainly wouldn't stand to have her abused by those sticky varmints.”
“Never!” declared Spark, suddenly straightening upright.
“So what about this magic you never use? What can you do with it in a pinch?”
“I just really don't much.”
“Yea, but could you get into the castle with it? Shot 'n' Stop said you're good. He said you disguised yourself as a tree, once. You might disguise yourself as a minstrel or a trader of some sort.”
“Well thank you, but you need to keep in mind that my magical ability is quite small, scarcely more than that of a hedge wizard. I could go into the castle under cover of a glamourie, but I've not the power to maintain it for long. It would be risky.”
“Can you think of any other way at all?”
“Well no Fuzz, but whatever it is, it's got to be good enough that I don't have to maintain it very long at all. I'll be lucky to manage going straight in and straight out. If I were just a minstrel, I'd have to take forever and seven days to argue my way in and back out.” He paced back and forth for several long moments. “You have an awful lot of confidence in me to think I could actually get away with this.”
“Ugleeuh!” woofed Fuzz.
Spark looked up with a jerk and rolled away into the brush, as his mage light went out with a pop.
“No, no! Good grief, Spark. I didn't mean that she's here. I mean, what about you making yourself look like Ugleeuh? That would cause the Gobblers to let you in and out right smart. Don't you think?”
Spark eased back to where he'd been sitting and let another large mage light come to life from between his cupped hands.
Fuzz saw that his hands were trembling. “You all right?
“Do you have any idea what Ugleeuh will do to me if she discovers this little ruse?” said Spark, holding his hands still by clamping them between his knees. “I'll be lucky if she seals me up inside my cave until I rot.”
“Sure thing. And me with you, no doubt. But we can't just leave Rose and Lukus in the hands of those marshmallow suckers. You know how Gobblers treat captives, Spark.”
“I know you're absolutely right,” said Spark with a great shudder. “Yeap, yip! Me as Ugleeuh. That's the best we're going to get. Just give me a bit to get used to the idea. I don't suppose you've ever heard of Lizzie? She was one of my clan and had a passion for marshmallows. Greedigut had his fat little slugs capture her and then he killed her slowly by forcing her to slave endlessly on next to no food while they made a routine of beating her senseless. No one should be thrall to a Gobbler,” he said, as his voice went shrill and rasping.
Fuzz jerked back with a gasp. Before him stood Ugleeuh. “Wow! Mercy! My very word! Excellent, Spark. If I didn't know it was you, I'd know old Dungsack was standing right where you are. The Gobblers will never know it's you.”
“I was hoping you'd say that.” he said, and with an odd wavering of the air about him, he resumed his normal visage. “Being Ugleeuh really saps my zip. I'll have to get as close as I possibly can to the Gobbler castle before casting my illusion. Then, maybe I can keep it up long enough. Besides, that way there'll be less chance that the real Ugleeuh will soar overhead and see me. Well. I see no reason why I sho
uldn't be underway.”
“Good thinking. Hey, thank you. And good luck. I'll be right here until you're back.”
“Ta-ta!” said Spark with a flutter of eyelashes, as he flashed Ugleeuh's Face for his own, before vanishing into the dark in the direction of the Gobbler's fortified keep.
***
“Where are we?” said Lukus with a groan, as he rubbed the knot on the back of his head. “This place smells pe-utrid. It's like mildew and squishy mouse and rotten socks and Ugleeuh's sukere breath all at once.”
“Well, at least your nose is all right,” said Rose, whose looks betrayed far more worry than her remark suggested. “We're in the Gobbler's castle dungeon. We've been here since late yesterday. And oh wuff! How it stinks. It's actually not so bad right now. Every once in a while some decayed breeze wafts through here foul enough to make your eyes water. You've been out a long time, brother dear. You had me scared. I was thinking you'd never wake up.”
“The way my head hurts,” he said, gingerly touching his bump, “I almost wish I hadn't. At least not until the pain was gone. What did they hit me with?”
“One of them shot you with his sling and a rock-hard piece of sukere. I thought to my stars they'd killed you.” She stumped over to him on her knees and gave him a long, dear hug.
“Yea? Well, I reckon my head's as hard as you ever figured,” he said, wincing for daring to grin. “Hey. How'd you get out of the goo pit?”
“The Gobblers pulled me out,” she said, eyeing her ruined dress with dismay. “I'd 'ave changed into something else, but they took our packs.”
“Right nice little fellows,” he said with a grimace, as he eased his head into an upright position. “What happened to Fuzz? Any idea?”
“Not a clue. I've not seen a glimpse of him here in any of the cells, nor have I heard him. I just hope he's all right and can find a way to get us out. Meanwhile, we'd better figure out a way to escape on our own.”
Heart of the Staff - Complete Series Page 51