by Ruby Dixon
"Fran?" Cat gives the woman with the baby an exasperated look when she's ignored. "Do you really need all that? We're literally visiting Jerrok's tiny station."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were the expert on babies," Fran jibes back, shoving another small blanket into the bag. "You want to come hold her while I make sure I have everything?"
Cat scoffs. "No."
"Fuck, I do," Zoey says gleefully, stepping forward with her arms out. She takes the baby in her arms and squeezes it up to her cheek, grinning. "Such a sweet little baby. Yes you are," she coos, sounding just like how I talk to Sleipnir. She makes kissy noises to the baby, who's more interested in sucking on her fist. "You want to hold her, Sophie?"
"Me?" I'm horrified at the thought. "No, no…I don't think so. I'm not good with babies."
Zoey shrugs and goes back to cooing over the little one.
"You learn fast enough," Fran says, beaming a tired smile in my direction. "Did I introduce myself? I can't remember. I'm Fran, Kivian's mate, and that's Iris." She points at the woman with the visor, then at her mate. "Alyvos."
"I know," I say, managing a smile. "I'm Sophie. Jerrok's…guest."
"Great. Can we please go check the station out now?" Cat asks. "Tarekh says Jerrok might have some replacement parts squirreled away for the flux receptor and I want to go look."
"What's wrong with the flux receptor we have now?" Zoey asks, her tone defensive.
Fran digs in her diaper bag. "Has anyone seen Jasmine's pacifier? I could have sworn it was in here."
It feels like everyone's talking over one another. Fran continues to speak to no one in particular, Zoey and Cat argue, and Alyvos barks out a few short words at the women as their voices get louder and louder. Jasmine must be the world's most placid baby, because she ignores all of the bickering. Iris does, too. She just sits quietly on the floor as if none of this fazes her in the slightest.
Me, it makes me antsy. I long to be outside with Jerrok, even if he's chatting with the men out there. This just feels…overwhelming. I clear my throat as politely as possible, and then speak up. "I need to go check on my carinoux, to make sure he's still locked up."
Immediately, everyone gets quiet.
"You have a carinoux? Really?" Zoey speaks up, surprised. "When did that happen?"
"And is it safe to bring Jasmine?" Fran jumps to her feet and takes her baby back from Zoey. "Should I stay on the ship?"
"His name is Sleipnir," I say, a little intimidated by all of the attention now focused on me. "And he's attuned to my emotions. He won't hurt a woman. That's why he's with me instead of your brothers," I add, glancing at Zoey. "We found him on a…ahem, run."
"You stole him, you mean," Zoey says cheerfully.
I nod. "I'm watching him while your brothers are in the Slatra system. He's going to be sold the moment they get back." The thought makes me hurt, but there's nothing I can do about it. "And he's locked up in the terrarium right now, so you're perfectly safe." I settled him there earlier when I heard the Jabberwock was pulling in.
Iris's placid expression changes to a melting one. "Oh, a terrarium? I'd love to visit it." She reaches up and touches her mate's hand. "Can we go, Alyvos?"
"Of course." He shoots a look over at me. "Provided the carinoux won't tear me into pieces."
I shake my head. "He's very smart and well behaved. Just a bit of a chewer."
"Let's go, then." Fran slings her bag over her shoulder, juggling the baby in her arms. "I'd love to see a terrarium myself."
I feel like the world's most awkward hostess as I lead the others off the ship and into the hangar. The moment we emerge from the Jabberwock, Jerrok's gaze searches the others until he finds me. He nods at me, but the look in his eyes is heated and makes me feel like he's just as possessive as Alyvos, who continues to hover over Iris.
Kivian immediately comes over and grabs the baby from Fran's arms, giving its slobbery face a dozen kisses. "You need to see my beautiful little daughter, Jerrok. She looks just like her father."
"Have I met him?" Jerrok jibes back.
Fran just laughs, sliding in next to her mate. Cat moves over to Tarekh, grabs his ass again, and then rejoins our small group.
Zoey immediately sidles close to me. "So…" she begins, an expectant look on her face.
Uh oh. "Yes?" I brace myself for Bethiah-level uncomfortable questions about my relationship with Jerrok.
"Is Mathiras sleeping through the night?"
I blink. That's not what I expected, but of course Zoey's going to ask about her brothers. "I don't know. Does he have trouble sleeping?"
She nods. "Always has. His mind won't shut off. What about Kaspar? How are his lungs? And does he still have a death wish? Adiron still sad and lonely?"
I look at Zoey's earnest face, so eager for information about her brothers, and I feel like the worst person ever. Guilt rushes through me as I realize I've never paid attention to whether or not the va Sithai brothers are doing well. They just…always seemed good to me. Competent. In control. "Adiron seems…happy?"
"Of course he does. That's Adiron for you." She crosses her arms, waiting. "He's not gonna wander around and mope with his lower lip hanging out."
Like me, I wonder? "I…don't know them all that well yet. Most of our conversations were spent with me learning the nav system…and not very well."
She waves a hand in the air. "You figure that stuff out eventually. It'll be second nature to you in another month or two."
I'm not so sure about that. "Shall we go see the terrarium?" I gesture lamely at the halls, trying to escape the uncomfortable realization that I know less about the va Sithai than I thought.
60
SOPHIE
Sleipnir is a hit.
Everyone adores the big carinoux, and he doesn't growl at anyone. He sniffs everyone carefully, then parks himself beside Iris for petting, rubbing his head against her hand. It takes me a few, but I eventually realize that her visor gives her limited vision of some kind, and she must be blind underneath it. It explains why Alyvos is so protective of her, and her childlike joy at entering the terrarium.
"The air feels—and smells—different here," she tells us, her face wreathed in smiles.
"It does," I agree. "I really love it. I've been working on cleaning up some of the overgrown plants, but it's definitely a work in progress."
"Like the rest of the station," Cat adds.
Zoey lounges on one of the benches, a restless look in her eyes that reminds me far too much of Kaspar. "So how do you like being here?" she asks me. "Is it as miserable as it seems?"
Miserable? I bite back my frown. "No, I love it here."
"You do?" Cat's voice cuts like a knife. "This place?"
"What's wrong with this place?"
Cat gestures at our surroundings, disbelief written on her face. "Don't know if you noticed, but it's a bit of a junk heap. Most of the station is destroyed and you're on an asteroid in the ass-end of the universe. What's there to like?"
Her words hurt my feelings, because it feels like an attack on Jerrok. "He doesn't need the whole station. The rooms that are repaired are more than enough for him. And he wouldn't be able to keep up with the maintenance on the entire place if that was the case. He wouldn't be happy with a crew here. He likes being alone. As for the junk…that's his job. He's got all kinds of things here. It's not…garbage. It's a treasure trove waiting to be unearthed." I lift my chin. "And Jerrok's the best at repurposing everything. He keeps this station running purely on stuff he scraps out. It pays for food supplies, too. I think he's doing fantastic."
"I'm sure," Cat says, a devious little smile on her face. The others are smiling at me, too, and their knowing looks fluster me. Maybe I'm being too obvious, too adamant in my defense of Jerrok. I don't care. This place may not be flashy, but it's roomy and quiet and serene and…and it has Jerrok.
"Well, I for one love this terrarium," Fran says, watching as her daughter bats at one of the lea
ves. "I'd spend all my time in here if given the chance."
"Something tells me Sleipnir loves it here, too," Iris says, petting my carinoux's nose.
"He does," I say enthusiastically. "He loves to go hide in the bushes, usually with something he's chewing on. And he digs in all the dirt. He's my little helper, even though it's not all that helpful sometimes."
The group chuckles.
"Hey, Sophie? Can we talk for a minute?" Zoey is at my side again, gesturing at a bench a good distance away from the others.
I suspected she'd want to talk more. She's looked positively antsy this entire time, and I know she's going to ask me more questions about her brothers. I knew it, and even so, I don't feel ready for it. I'll be as bad at this as I am with the nav system. But I nod, following her when she sits on the bench.
She tucks one leg under her as she sits, the other leg swinging free. Zoey glances at me and then looks around the terrarium. "You're not in love with one of my brothers, are you?"
I sputter, because that wasn't the question I was expecting. "What? No! Of course not. They've been very kind to me but…no." My face heats at the thought. "Why would you even think that?"
Zoey shrugs. "I was trying to think why they would bring you along with them, and I was wondering if you were entangled with one of my brothers somehow. But then I saw the way you and Jerrok looked at each other and figured out the truth."
I blush. "Your brothers were just being kind to me."
"They're corsairs. They're not paid to be kind." She crosses her arms over her chest. "It doesn't fit."
"I think perhaps they miss their little sister more than they've let on," I say softly. "And they took me on because I reminded them of you. Ever since I arrived on the Little Sister, they've talked about you non-stop."
Her eyes look suspiciously wet. "I'm sad those fucking idiots aren't here." She sniffs and wipes at her eyes, glancing away. "Slatra system, huh?" When I nod, she lets out a sigh. "And let me guess, no comms."
"Not a single one."
"Well, I've got a buddy over on a station in that system. Maybe I'll put a call out to him and see if they've dropped by to refuel." She swipes at her eyes again and manages a smile. "So when are you going to tell them that you're staying?"
I go still. My hands are clasped in my lap and I clench them tightly, hoping I don't betray a single emotion. "I'm not staying."
Her eyes narrow. "Why not? Or did I read the situation wrong?" She tilts her head. "I thought I saw a hickey on Jerrok's neck—"
"You didn't read it wrong." I will not fidget. I will not. I dig my nails into my knuckles, and the pain helps me focus. "But Jerrok is a loner. He wouldn't want me to stay."
"Wouldn't he?" Zoey's tone is dry.
I stare down at my hands. Good lord, why are all these people so confrontational? It's been so damn long since someone's talked to me like this that I've forgotten what it's like. "Jerrok has made it very clear that he likes his isolation," I say firmly. "We're just enjoying each other's company."
"Do you know," Zoey says in a soft voice. "That Jerrok is legendary for his dirt and his bad mood? That there are bets amongst other corsairs as to how long it's been since he's had a bath?"
I frown. "That's cruel. He bathes all the time. He doesn't smell. He—"
"He bathes for you," Zoey continues gently. "You're not attached to my brothers like you are to him. It's obvious. And you love this station like Jerrok does. So again, I have to ask, why are you going to rejoin them when they return? Do you feel obligated? Because I'm sure they would want you to be happy. Hell, they'd probably be thrilled if you stayed with Jerrok. He's a good friend to them, and a safe place to anchor. And if you're worried about the navigation systems, Kaspar knows them just as well as anyone else does. He's just lazy." She studies me with a curious look. "Or are you hoping to go back to Earth? Because I can assure you that's never going to happen."
I shake my head. Going back to Earth has never been on my radar. Not really. I'm too different from the person that was taken. I wouldn't know what to do with myself. "I'm just looking for the place I belong."
"Don't you think you've already found it?"
A knot of pure longing forms in my throat. "I…Jerrok's been alone for so long. He's never indicated that he's interested in me staying, and—"
"He's a man," Zoey says bluntly. "Something tells me he'd be really good at hiding his feelings if he thought you didn't share them. But if you don't, how will you ever know the truth?" She reaches out and pats my knee. "You might have to be the one to make the first move here. If he's half as thick-headed as my brothers, he's probably bending over backwards to make sure that you're comfortable and don't feel pressured, and all the while hiding what he really wants."
It seems too good to be true. "How do you know?"
"Because he looks at you the way Sentorr looks at me," Zoey says. "And because you've been here for weeks and he's not flinging you at us or asking us to take you with us when we leave. Instead, he's bathing. And smiling. Trust me, it's a big deal." She gives my knee one last firm pat. "Besides, if I'm wrong and he says no, you're leaving anyhow, right?"
She makes it sound so easy. Just confess how I feel and let the chips fall where they may. Assume the best.
But this thing with Jerrok and me…it feels so very fragile. I'm afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing and destroying it. Is it better to enjoy a short time of bliss, or gamble it all on forever?
I wish I knew. Either way, Zoey's right, though. I need to talk to Jerrok. I need to make sure he knows how I feel, and that I want to stay. I need to lay it all out, because I love him enough to strip my emotions bare, no matter how frightening it is.
61
JERROK
The corsairs of the Jabberwock give me knowing looks as the women head into the station to see the terrarium. I cross my arms over my chest and pretend to listen to the conversation about their most recent run-in with the law, but all I can see in my mind's eye is Sophie's face, her big eyes as she listened to the women talking, the way she looked uncertain and just a little worried. I can tell that their presence bothers her a little. Her easy smile has vanished, and even though her lips are curved, her expression is strained, as if she's just tolerating them for my sake.
In that respect, we're very alike. It's odd to me how someone as perfect as Sophie is awkward around her own kind. I thought she'd be thrilled to see them, but I couldn't help but notice that she kept glancing over at me, as if she wanted to be rescued from their conversation.
The moment the women disappear, though, Kivian drops all pretense of talking about piracy. He claps a hand on my shoulder. "Soooo…are congratulations in order?"
"For what?" I try to flick his hand off.
"A mating, of course! Connubial bliss. Potentially babies." He bangs his hand on my shoulder, and Tarekh ruffles my hair as if I'm some kit who recently just discovered his own cock. "If I may speak freely—and I think I can—I think you'll be very happy. My Fran is perfection, and if yours is half the female, she's going to keep you on your toes in all the best ways."
"We're not mated," I growl at him, shrugging both of them off. Much as I would love for it to be different, it's not. "She's just staying because the va Sithai thought it might be better for her."
"Mmm, looks like more than that to me." Kivian rubs his jaw thoughtfully.
Tarekh decides to chime in, ignoring how obviously uncomfortable the conversation makes me. "Timid little thing, I think. Reminds me of Iris when we first found her. Remember that? Just sweet and fragile and terrified of everything. She'd have starved before asking for a bite of food." He shakes his head.
For some reason, that irks me. My Sophie as timid as all that? They don't know how brave she's been. "You're wrong about that. She yelled at me when she first got here." I smile at the thought. She was also brave when she went with me to the station. Brave when she took out the pirates that thought to rob me. No. Sophie's not timid. "You just don't know
her."
"THAT creature yelled at you?" Tarekh hmphs.
"Give her credit. She's not as scared as you think." I open my mouth to say more, but then a flash of conversation with Sophie floats through my memory.
I can't seem to snap out of this funk, this constant fear that everything I've fought so hard for is going to disappear out from under me again. And…I like you, and that scares me.
The thought flattens me. Sophie's only scared when she feels she has something to lose. And they thought she looked scared right now? Is it because she's afraid that the Jabberwock's arrival means she thinks she'll lose something?
Like me…?
It makes me want to shove everyone aside and go comfort her. "I think I'll go see if they need help in the terrarium—"
"Not so fast." Kivian slings a friendly arm around my shoulders, snagging me before I can get away. "The girls are probably going to talk about all kinds of things for a while. Let them swap secrets. Do you need anything bartered?" The corsair captain steers me back toward his ship, Tarekh at my back, and Sentorr stands at the hatch, stiffly alert as always. "Drink? Carcinogels? More noodles?"
"Extra plas-film?" Tarekh jokes.
I think for a moment. "Don't need it."
"You filthy scrapper, you," Kivian teases. "Breaking all the hygiene rules the moment a human arrives on your station. Didn't think you had it in you, old friend."
I shoot him a glare, but Kivian's teasing is harmless. He's utterly in love with his human female and can't keep the goofy, proud smile off his face. "No plas-film," I clarify. "But if you have some human books or clothes…or even some flowering seeds…I'll take them off your hands."
"I'm sure we've got something," Kivian continues. "Do you have something for me? Any new weapons or parts I might be interested in?"
I shrug. "You're welcome to look through my stores. And…I did acquire a dark-matter secondary drive recently." I was planning on taking it to a nearby station to handle, but if they want to take it off my hands for the right price, and I can get a few things for Sophie, I'm happy to sell to them.