by Lilly Black
When Alek noticed the desperate look on her face, he wrapped up the conversation, offering to talk later if Calista needed to hear another voice, then he hung up. They were walking along the wall on the back of the property when he stopped Olivia and wrapped his arms around her.
"I'm so sorry, baby," he whispered, his cheek rested atop her head, and he could feel her begin to cry against his chest. "I'm so sorry."
Olivia held on tight, utterly lost, but she pulled away quickly because even amid all of the anguish she felt at the loss of Reid, she was horrified by the tiny voice telling her that it was okay to be with Alek now. Suddenly full of self-loathing, she looked up into his eyes with a sad stare, knowing she had to get away from him. There was only one thing she wanted to do at that moment anyway, something she knew was wrong and dangerous, but as the news about Reid spread its roots throughout her mind, she cared less and less about the danger until there was only one thought she was capable of thinking.
"Can you do me a favor?" she asked.
"Anything," Alek said.
"I have to be alone...just for a few hours. Could you keep an eye on Savvy? I need to know that she'll be safe."
"Of course," he said, understanding that she needed time to grieve. He was willing to do whatever he could to help her through this, and though he also recognized that Reid's death meant Olivia was free to be his now, it didn't feel like a win. Her heart was breaking, and he would rather have lost her to a returning husband than see such pain in her eyes.
She hugged him again, and he kissed her on the forehead before she hurried off alone, leaving him with her satellite phone. Since Rena had made everyone their own modified cell, the only reason she kept the sat phone on her was Reid, and now it was obvious that he would never be on the other end of that line again.
Alek went back toward the lodge to look for Savannah, and Olivia took a different route, going through the greenhouse to get to her private rooms faster. First, she opened the locked storage closet in her office where they kept the medications and took out a large syringe and two vials, then she went into her panic room and opened the secret door. Behind a retractable panel was an elevator that went down to the bunker beneath. It was one of three secret access points, and the others - the downstairs security post and Savannah's closet - were just as cleverly hidden. Olivia had told no one that the bunker even existed other than Alek, Dani, and Liana, and Savannah was still the only one other than herself who knew how to access it. As she walked through the long cinderblock hallways, past the pantry of freeze dried food, the water drums, and the weapons locker, she realized that she was going to have to let the others know how to get down here in case they needed it someday when she wasn't around. It wasn't just a place to survive if the surface became unsafe. There was also a hidden emergency exit that led to a secluded area of the woods.
It could prove useful in protecting their community, but today it was still Olivia's secret and had to remain so to hide what she had come to do. Grabbing a bag of saline out of the medical supply closet, she hurried past the room full of cots for the bedroom where she and Reid would have slept if a bomb had been dropped on the surface, and it seemed fitting because she felt like a bomb had been dropped on her life. Knowing Reid was out there somewhere trying to get back to her had made it possible for her to cling to some semblance of normalcy in an otherwise abnormal world, but now that had been taken away. Calista's call was not irrefutable evidence of his death, but after learning about the state of the roads in Charleston, she couldn't imagine how he escaped the city. There were too many variables, and if she didn't stop trying to extrapolate them all, she was going to go mad.
But she knew how to silence everything. It's what she came here to do.
Olivia's Journal
Day 47
Tonight, I'll have to find a more secure place to keep this journal because I can never risk Alek reading it again. I don't want him to know what I've done. I don't want anyone to know because they won't understand, and they won't trust that I can control myself. But I know I can. That's all that matters.
In the bunker below the compound are several rooms, one of which is a small bedroom with a comfortable king sized bed that Reid and I christened more than once while we were filling up the stores, and though I hadn't been down there in a while, the whole place was just as clean and dust-free as the last time I saw it. It stays sealed up so tight, I've never even seen a cobweb, and when I climbed onto the bed, the sheets still had the faint scent of fabric softener.
It was comforting because the smell reminded me of Reid. It almost made me start crying again, but I fought the tears. I wasn't there to mourn him. I was there to remember him, to experience being connected to the man I loved in the only way I could now.
I took the vials out of my pocket and filled the syringe, adding as much saline as I could. I'd never done this before, but I'd watched nurses inject me numerous times in the hospital. Though they usually put the needle into the IV port, I felt confident that I could do it the hard way. I was just going to have to figure out how to find a vein, and they were fairly easy to see through the pale flesh of the underside of my arm. I picked one.
Okay, I told myself. It's just a little pin prick. But I knew better. The Phenergan was going to burn like a motherfucker going in. The nurses always slowly added it to the IV fluids high in the line, but one time a nurse, who was either inexperienced or a total sadist, used the port closest to the IV and just squirted it in. I knew I was about to feel that intense burning again because there wasn't nearly enough saline in this shot, but the worst part about it was how excited that thought made me. It was almost sexual.
I took a deep breath and pierced my skin, the tip the needle found its target, and a tiny drop of blood surfaced as I began to depress the syringe. I felt it immediately like hot lava pouring into my vein, slowly dissipating as it crept up my arm, and God! It was incredible! As the pain of the Phenergan and the euphoria of the Demerol collided, it seized upon me like a full body orgasm, filling me with perfect peace and joy as I plunged the very last drop into my bloodstream.
"Reid," I breathed as I fell back on the pillow, my arm aching, and it felt so fucking good, all I could do was lie there and experience the long, delicious moment of infinite ecstasy before it robbed me of my consciousness altogether. One second, I was in heaven, then the next, I was just gone.
I woke abruptly two hours later, and before my loss had a chance to invade my thoughts, I focused on hiding what I had done. I gathered the syringe and the vials, though I didn't know what to do with them. We have very little trash at this point, careful to clean and reuse as much as we can, and the few things we do throw away wouldn't have provided enough cover in the garbage can.
I wrapped the evidence in a pillow case and shoved it in the back of the shelving where Reid and I had hundreds of thousands of bullets stored, and planning to deal with it later, I sat down in the weapons locker as I lost the struggle to keep thoughts of my husband at bay. I just couldn't get my brain around him being gone. Every bit of logic inside me said he was because that phone was his lifeline to me and Savannah. I couldn't imagine him ever leaving it behind.
It didn't make sense, or maybe I just didn't want it to. That seemed likely considering that my mind kept taking me back to what Dani said in Pittsburgh. None of the men we love can die. I didn't believe in the magic. Despite everything that had happened, I did not believe. Yet in the moment when I was trying to force myself to acknowledge Reid's passing, I was like the fabled atheist in a foxhole praying my heart out to whatever god would listen. Deep down I knew that Dani could have specifically said, "Reid Anders cannot die and shall be made immortal and invincible for all time," yet he could still be just as dead as if no spell had been cast at all. But I could not accept that he was gone, and every time I considered making peace with it, one thing popped into my head. Demerol.
I could still feel how the Phenergan had burned my veins, and it excited me. I knew I wasn'
t going to take another dose. If I did, I wouldn't stop until I had depleted our entire supply, and I had Savannah to consider. If not for her, I shudder to think what road I might have gone down.
I need to talk to her. I need to tell her what I've learned about her father because I don't have the right to keep it from her, but the thought of her grief on top of my own is too much.
And I need to talk to Alek. He thinks I'm finally going to accept that my husband's dead, and he isn't going to understand that I can't. Maybe June was right. Maybe I should get Alek to sleep with her. If only temporarily, it would still help get us through this period where I can't let go of my past, and maybe it would make me feel better. Alek has been far too good to me, and I don't deserve him or Reid at this point. I've done nothing but betray them both in my heart. I want to do right by them both as well. For Reid, that means waiting a little longer, and for Alek...
Alek deserves more than I can give right now.
Day 48
June was sitting in the lodge by the fire sipping her morning coffee before her shift in the security room when Olivia found her. No one else was around but Ravi, who was sitting at a small table against the wall in front of a chessboard. He was waiting for Phil to meet him for a match, and when Olivia came stalking across the floor toward June, he pretended to be preoccupied with setting up the board.
"Fine," Olivia said abruptly when she reached June's chair.
"What's fine?" she asked.
"If you think you can do it without falling in love with him, fine. I'll set it up."
June looked up at her, surprised and confused because even though Olivia had given her absolutely no preface for the conversation, she quickly surmised that it was about Alek. Inside, she felt her heart skip a beat, and she fought to control the involuntary cues that betrayed her excitement. Olivia didn't notice because she was focused solely on her own self-loathing. She had tossed and turned all night as even her sleeping mind haunted her with the idea that she didn't deserve Alek, and she had awakened this morning with a singular thought - that letting him sleep with June would be her penance. She didn't know what he would consider it. She hadn't mentioned it to him yet.
"And Alek wants to do it?" June asked, hoping for a resounding yes.
"I can talk him into it," Olivia said, as she continued to stand over June rather than joining her.
"I don't want it to be like that, Olivia," she protested. "If he doesn't want to, don't push the issue. I just thought that since you weren't ready, it might be a solution for all of us. I thought of Alek because I don't want to fall in love or anything. I just want to know what all the fuss is about, you know? I want to know why your diary is three volumes long and mine reads like a grocery list."
June's eyes began to glisten as she explained, and Olivia softened toward her, finally sitting down.
"I really do understand," she said. "I'm sorry. This is just..."
"Weird?"
"Really fucking weird," she said, and they laughed.
"If you're not comfortable with it, it's okay. I just wanted it to be with someone who had experience. Jax probably has the most, but I wouldn't even joke about that. Dani would crap all over herself."
"No doubt," Olivia agreed. Dani would totally freak at the idea of June borrowing her man, yet she had no problem putting Alek on the menu.
"And I thought of Alek because I just want a onetime thing with no strings," June said. "I think God will forgive me if I just try it once."
"I don't think God really cares all that much as long as no one gets hurt."
"Do you promise that no one will get hurt?"
"It's just sex. It doesn't mean anything," Olivia lied. Of course it meant something. It meant that Olivia was utterly fucked in the head for even considering this.
"Good," June said, "because I don't want this to cause any problems for anyone." Now she was the one lying. She didn't just want to get laid. She wanted Alek. He was the most perfect man she'd ever known, and if Olivia didn't appreciate him, why shouldn't she get a crack at him?
"I don't want any problems either," Olivia said. "And I just hope you understand if he doesn't want to do it, it's not you. Okay?"
"Why didn't you just ask him first?"
"Because I wanted to make sure I could get through this conversation before I let him know that I'm treating him like a toy I can loan out," she said, throwing in a joke to keep the mood light. In all honesty, she wasn't sure why she went to June first, but on some level that she was yet to consciously acknowledge, she wanted Alek to say no and she wanted June to know it for having the audacity to even ask. Of course, if Alek didn't want to do it, June didn't want to know.
"If he says no, maybe just tell me you changed your mind," she said.
"I'll do that," Olivia assured her, smiling as she stood up to leave, and the second she was out of sight, Ravi abandoned his chessboard and sauntered over to sit beside June with what her grandfather liked to call a shit-eating grin on his face.
"Can I help you?" she demanded suspiciously.
"I just wanted to let you know that I think you're beautiful," he said.
"Oh, Lord! You overheard!" she groaned, putting her face in her hands.
"Maybe a little, but there's no reason to be embarrassed," he said. "In fact, I've come to offer my services in case your plans with Alek should fall through."
"But you're just a kid," June said.
"I am twenty-four-years-old," Ravi complained, irritated. He realized he looked young, but he was getting tired of being seated at the kid's table, especially considering that the only women in his age group were Rena, Brittani, and Penny, none of whom piqued his interest like the fair, older woman with the beautiful red hair. He was getting sexually frustrated, and he was about to find out how frustrating June could be.
"Let me see your ID," she demanded with a smirk.
"I seem to have left it in my pre-apocalypse pants," he said, undaunted. "However I would welcome the opportunity to prove to you that I am definitely a grown man."
As he sat before her, she couldn't help but entertain the idea, even if only for a second, because as much as she hated to admit it, Ravi was a handsome man. His hair was a thick blue-black, and the color of his skin reminded her of cinnamon spice. But she had trouble allowing herself to think about him that way because he was more than ten years her junior.
"I'm still too old for you, Ravi," she protested.
"I'm not asking you to marry me, lady," he said, and when her eyes grew large as if she was offended, he reminded her of something he overhead her say to Olivia. "No strings? I believe those were your words."
"Those were my private words," she said with a scowl. "But as long as you were eavesdropping, you probably heard that I also said experienced, and I seem to recall that you had an arranged marriage at the beginning of the apocalypse."
"And why does that have to mean I have no experience? I was promised to a stranger on the other side of the world. It didn't mean I couldn't date," he said, and though curious, June was more interested in ending the conversation, so she fell back on her old habit.
"Doesn't your holy book specifically forbid that sort of thing anyway?" she asked, and he grimaced, rubbing his temples.
"You want to talk about my holy book?" he demanded, his demeanor calm despite his irritation as he leaned in close and issued a seductive warning. "I'll show you my holy book, lady."
Ravi's lips curled into a devious smile as he stood and walked away, and although she was confused about his meaning, his delivery had left June's heart racing.
Not knowing how to process the feelings Ravi stirred in her, June channeled her excitement toward Alek, who remained blissfully unaware that Olivia had offered him up. Tonight, he was on watch at the main gate with Dani. She had begun to drive him crazy with her constant questioning about everything Jax said or did while out of her presence, but he endured it patiently because now there was something he needed from her, thinking his wait for Olivia
was almost over.
Dani was one of three people who had access to their medical stores, and there was a particular product he was hoping had been on that Right Way truck, something he was reasonably certain would not have been collected in any scavenging trips since. He just wasn't sure how to broach the subject. Though he came from a culture that was substantially more open about sex than the one he had immigrated into, this was still an uncomfortable request to make. But it was also an important one.
"So, you guys inventoried everything that came off the pharmacy truck?" he asked, trying to sound like he was just making conversation. Dani nodded. "Was there anything from the condoms and lube section?"
"Yes," she said, suddenly curious because Olivia's ovaries had been removed. "What do you need a condom for?"
"I don't," he said.
"So you want lube then?" she asked with a grin, enjoying his obvious discomfort.
"No," he said, looking down at his feet and pausing before sucking it up and admitting what he was looking for. "I think I need one of those sprays or creams or whatever they are...the kind that help a man..." he swallowed and the next words came out mumbled "...last longer."
"Really? Even after all that jacking off you admitted to in front of the entire oversight committee?"
Embarrassed, Alek sighed. "I only said that to make a point to June," he insisted, though it wasn't a total lie. There had been a few times in the shower when he just couldn't take the torture of not being able to fuck Olivia.
"That's a shame," Dani said with a giggle. "Chronic masturbation could certainly have helped you last longer."
"You're laughing at me," he complained, trying hard not to laugh at himself, but it was so awkward now, he regretted not just stealing Olivia's key and pillaging the supplies.