“That’s it?! Kenneth didn’t even attempt to come over here?!” Tanya wept. “I’m going back to sleep.”
She moved away from her father and swiftly limped back up the stairs.
Retreating to her room, she downed the last three pills. Tanya looked at herself in the mirror and immediately loathed what she had become. She never thought things would get to the point of using meds to cope.
Tanya then focused on the engagement ring, shining on her finger. In a hate-filled rage, she snatched off the ring and threw it across the room. The sound of it bouncing off the wall sent her back into a pacing fit. Only that time, it wasn’t silent. She cried out with each step, alarming Rod and Moses. They rushed upstairs and found her in a state of panic. Moses grabbed his daughter, trying his best to provide support. Rod found empty allergy pill packets on the nightstand along with the box.
“How many of these did you take?!” He yelled, shaking the box in the air.
Tanya managed to hold up three fingers while the two men wondered if she was trying to kill herself.
“I-I....” She cried out. “I just want to sleep! All I want to do is sleep! I can’t face this mess!”
“I know baby girl. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re going through this. But you can’t stay posted up in your bed, sleeping your days away. There’s a blessing in this baby girl. It hurts now, but you’ll be blessed when the pain is gone.” Moses said, rocking his distraught daughter.
“Your dad is right Tanya. We’re all here for you. Whenever you need to talk, vent, cry, whatever. But you have to let us be there for you. You can’t try to heal yourself like this.” Rod said.
He threw away the empty packets and searched for more pills to keep out of her sight.
“Don’t turn to bad habits to help you through this. Turn to God, turn to your family and friends. We won’t allow this to pull you down.” Her father said, wiping her tears.
“Thank you. I’m sorry. I-I just didn’t know what else to do. I wasn’t trying to hurt myself, honestly. I just wanted to sleep. This hurts so badly.”
“It’s okay baby girl.” Moses replied. “Come on downstairs, I’ll fix you something to eat and tomorrow, you’re getting out of this house for some fresh air.”
Just as they reached the bottom of the staircase, Shauna and Tamara entered the front door. Shauna took one look at her friend holding on to her father and was alarmed.
“OMG what happened?!?! Is she okay?” She asked dropping bags on the floor.
“She’ll be fine babe. We just needed to get her out of that room.” Rod replied in a calm tone.
“Baby, mama’s here. I’m going to put your clothes up in the guest room. Eat something, please. For your mother. Please eat.” She begged. “Make her some soup Moses.”
“I got her.” He replied laying his daughter on the sofa.
As Tanya ate, she felt drowsy. The meds were surely kicking in. No longer able to fight it, she sat her bowl of half-eaten soup on the coffee table and laid down. Shauna came to her side, covering her with a blanket and rubbed her BFFs head as she slipped back into dreamland.
“Shauna, remind Tanya to call her boss tomorrow. She stopped by today to check on her, and they want to talk to her about a new job opportunity.” Tamara said washing dishes.
“Ok, I’ll make sure she does that.” Shauna replied keeping her eyes on her friend. “How long are you guys staying?”
“As long as she needs us. We’re both retired and our neighbors are watching the house. I don’t feel right leaving my girl here like this.”
“Right.” Moses chimed in. “She needs us.”
The next morning, Tanya woke up with a frown. Kenneth was on her mind. Her morning thoughts consisted of lying in bed next to him, living the life she had prepared for. Waking up on the sofa reaffirmed, once again, the pain of him abandoning her on their wedding day. Throughout that time, she had no clear answers. Deep down, she no longer wanted any.
“I’m going to love you forever.” The voice of Kenneth’s final sweet words danced in her head.
Anger arose from those words, along with a boost of energy that sent her upstairs to take a shower. She walked up to the engagement photo sitting on a table in the hallway.
SMASH! Tanya knocked the framed picture to the floor.
Gratification came over her as she stared at the broken glass sprinkled on top of the picture. To her, there was no need in keeping memories of happy times with Kenneth.
The noise woke her father, who rushed out of bed to see what was going on. He quickly found the frame, scattered in front of a bold Tanya.
“Whelp, guess I need to get the broom.” Moses smirked.
She walked into the master bathroom and started the shower. Not acknowledging her father and his small joke.
With all she was going through mentally, she refused to call Kenneth. He was also afraid to come to her home, as he knew Moses had words and fists for him.
As the water warmed, Tanya went into her room to find a nice outfit for the day. On her dresser, she found a note from Shauna to call her boss ASAP. She placed the note on the bed and returned to the bathroom.
As Tamara finished cooking breakfast, Tanya came downstairs with her phone and notepad in hand.
“Hey baby, I’m so glad to see you up.” She said. “Come sit down and eat.”
“Ok mom. Hey daddy.” She kissed her father on the cheek, then took a seat next to him.
“Hey, baby girl! How ya’ feeling?” He folded the newspaper.
“Eh...I’m okay. I just got off the phone with my boss. She presented me with a job opportunity to think about. They are shutting down their Paris office and moving operations to London. She wants me to go over there to work in the finance department.” She explained.
“London!? Wow, that’s a long way from here. Are you up for it?” Moses asked.
“It’s surprising but...yea. I have nothing else left here.” Tanya shrugged. “Might as well go.”
“Wait Tanya. I know Kenneth hurt you, but don’t make rash decisions based on his stupid choices. Plus, you need to talk to him and figure this all out.” Tamara joined them at the table.
“Tamara, what is there for her to talk to him about? He made his choice when he left our baby girl at the altar. Why are you thinking about Kenneth now?” Her father scolded.
“Look, I know what he did. But it’s Tanya’s heart. She needs to figure out whether this relationship is worth saving. Packing up and moving to London right now, won’t help.” She replied, trying to keep her cool.
“How much does he REALLY care about Tanya? Not one damn bit! Let that dumbass go baby girl. Go get that job, and we’ll be ready to visit you at any time.” Moses fussed.
“MOSES!” Tamara exclaimed. “It’s Tanya’s decision. Don’t push her into something that she may regret. She and Kenneth have a history and they need to set...”
“Mom, Dad stop it!” Tanya interrupted. “I don’t want you two fighting over this. And dad is right. Kenneth doesn’t care. I’m in pain and he caused it. He lied when he said that he’ll love me forever. He didn’t even give forever a chance. I need to start thinking about moving on with my life. I can’t sit around here crying, sleeping, and waiting for him to come to his senses. He made his choice and his choice was to leave me. I don’t need anything else from him. I passed up an opportunity like this the first time, FOR HIM, and look where it got me. Living in this country ass state, broken, angry, and alone. I put my dreams aside for him and he NEVER put anything aside for me.”
As she spoke those words tears formed again. But the tears weren’t from pain. Tanya was mad as hell.
Chapter V: Packing Up Broken Pieces
Three weeks later, Tanya was back at work. It was a rough time with her being happy one day, then crying the next. Some nights she had to take a “sleeping aid”, to keep from weeping all night.
The anger she felt that day in the kitchen with her parents, went away, and she started to miss Kenneth
. It felt weird waking up and going throughout her day without talking to her “honey”. He tried reaching out, but she’d always decline the call. He arranged for Rod to pick up the rest of his stuff in which she carelessly tossed into trash bags. Tanya thought about destroying everything he had, but her heart didn’t allow it.
On a Saturday evening, Tanya was home alone, cleaning the guest room. Her parents left three days before after convincing them she was okay. Rummaging through old papers, she found the invoice from Kenneth for landscaping work. That invoice meant more than proof of payment. It symbolized the start of their relationship. Tears slowly formed in the corner of her eyes, reading the paper. Thoughts of how it felt when she first saw him crept in. He looked deep into her eyes while explaining his company’s service. That look wasn’t a landscaper happy to deal, the dilation of his pupils said he’d met “the one”.
The tears fell from her face and onto the paper. She wanted to call him to talk. However, a reminder of her wedding day halted that idea. Under more papers, she found venue brochures for the wedding. Discovering that memorabilia was too much to take. Tanya threw away the papers and ended the cleaning session. She then headed downstairs and poured herself a drink.
Sitting on the sofa, she focused on the big decision for London. That following Monday, she would have to give her final decision. Although Tanya initially wanted to go, missing Kenneth made her rethink moving away. After the third sip of Chardonnay, the doorbell rang. It was 8:30pm, with no plans of anyone coming over.
Tanya set down the glass and walked towards the door in an averse pace. Her heart fluttered looking through the peephole, realizing who was on the other side.
She opened the door to a scared Kenneth. They hadn’t seen each other since the night of the rehearsal dinner. He stared at her with a stubble face and wrinkled shirt. It was very apparent that he’d had a few sleepless nights without her.
“Hey, can I come in?” He asked, talking with his hands. “Tanya, I’m sorry for popping up, but I need to see you. Please!”
The feelings of missing him faded, looking at his rugged appearance. His facial expression was of a sad puppy hoping for forgiveness. That alone sent her back into mad mode.
“I don’t want to see you Kenneth!” She scolded, attempting to slam the door.
He stopped the door and pushed his way in. Tanya was appalled at how he entered her home. He stood close, facing her as if he needed to breathe her in. She seared into his pitiful eyes, wondering why he decided to come over after she’d declined his many calls. Unfortunately, he didn’t know what to say. The beautiful soul staring back made him speechless.
“You have ten minutes. And I don’t want to hear an ‘I’m sorry’. I’ve been hearing that from family, friends, co-workers, the neighbors, even Ms. Lucy. The DAMN DRESS MAKER sent me a sympathy card because YOU weren’t man enough to face me on our wedding day!”
Afraid of saying the wrong thing, Kenneth remained mute. His first words were going to be, “I’m sorry” however Tanya’s declaration scrapped those words from leaving his lips.
“WHY ARE YOU HERE!?” She yelled to break his silence.
“Tanya, you just don’t...” He tried to explain.
“Don’t what!?!? Understand?!” Tanya cut him off. “What is there to understand!? Understand that you were scared?! Having second thoughts?! You could have told me that BEFORE our wedding day!”
“Tanya, I...”
“WHAT!?!?” She screamed.
The screeching anger in her voice startled him. He’d never seen her that mad. Echoes of anger rang in his head. Kenneth had to think fast before Tanya would either hit him or put him out.
“I felt like I was holding you back.” He spewed. “I knew you wanted more, and I didn’t allow it.”
“OF COURSE YOU HELD ME BACK! WHY DO YOU THINK I FEEL SO DAMN FOOLISH?” She screamed again.
“Tanya stop screaming please.” He begged. “I know I didn’t do this right, but I couldn’t marry you until I knew this was what you really wanted.”
“Wait a minute. You left me on our wedding day because you needed to know whether or not I was sure? GO TO HELL KENNETH! AND TAKE YOUR DUMBASS EXCUSES WITH YOU! Three weeks and this is what you can come up with? Hell yes, I gave up a lot! Put my dreams aside. But people tend to do that for love! I did that for you! A man, who said himself, that he would love me forever. Tanya walked over to her wine and took a sip before continuing. “Couldn’t even last a day huh? Two and a half years of sacrificing, compromising, allowing you to have your way, and this is what I get. Humiliated and a dumb ass excuse from a dumb ass coward.”
“Tanya...” Kenneth reached for her.
“Get the hell out of my house.” She gritted her teeth.
He knew she wouldn’t budge. Honestly, he wouldn’t expect her to. There was nothing else he could say. The love of his life was broken to the core, all because of him. And there was nothing he could do to fix it. He held his head down and turned back towards the front door.
“So where do we go from here?” He asked as a final try.
“You can go to hell. I’m going to London. I leave in four weeks.” Tanya said in a lower tone and a straight face.
“What?!” He exclaimed walking back towards her. “What is in London?”
“Yes London. You know that Paris opportunity I passed up the first time. For you. I have another waiting for me, and it’s in London. So I’m going to take it.”
“You don’t want to fix this?” He asked, holding back tears. “Tanya, I love you so much. I know I hurt you. Give me a chance to fix this. We’ve never been down this road, don’t give up on us.”
“Goodbye Kenneth.” She waved. “Your gesture in embarrassing and hurting me on our wedding day showed a lot. It showed me that I wasn’t supposed to be your wife. I need to live the life that was destined for me.”
“Tanya...”
“Listen, you called the shots with how our life was going to be. And I went along with it. No, we didn’t those rough times of infidelity, poor communication, even loss of love. But, you never respected what I wanted. You not showing up for me, after I compromised everything for you, showed me that you’ll always be that way. And that’s not the relationship I deserve.” She explained calmly.
Kenneth took a deep breath with one last look at his ex-fiancé. He messed up badly by disappearing on their wedding day, all because of his fear that she would wake up, want more, and he wouldn’t be able to fill that void.
He had the right to feel that way. They both knew they desired different things. The only difference was that Tanya was willing to compromise, and he wasn’t. To top it off, he chose to leave instead of communicating with the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.
In Kenneth’s mind, he would come over, have her understand his side, and she’d fall into his arms. He would have spent the rest of his life making up the big mistake by doing his own compromising to ensure she’d have a piece of the life she originally wanted. His plan was to tell her that she could keep the townhome and they’d travel a while before having kids.
On the other side, Tanya finalized the decision before she even knew it. By telling her ex she was leaving for London, sealed the deal on the next phase of her life. She still loved him, but it wasn’t enough to go back to being the Tanya he knew. Part of her felt like she was giving up too soon, however, the man she’d consider to be “the one”, wouldn’t have left her the way Kenneth did.
The pain temporarily subsided as Tanya was ready for the next chapter of her life.
______________________________
“We’re going to miss you, but we know you’ll do us proud in London.” Tanya’s boss, Michelle said in their morning meeting.
“Thank you so much Michelle. It’s been a pleasure working here but, yea, it’s time for more adventures.” She replied.
Her co-workers no longer gave looks of pity due to the wedding that never happened. Instead, she received well wishes an
d a little envy from the ones who weren’t considered for the job.
Time was winding down, and Tanya didn’t have much of it to prepare. Luckily, her girls were willing to help in the big move.
“It’s going to be weird not being able to see you whenever I want. Now I’m going to have to plan a vacation just to catch up with my best friend.” Shauna said, helping her pack.
“Good! You and Rod need to get out of the country sometimes.” Tanya teased. “When was the last time you guys even took a vacation?”
Shauna looked at her disgusted, then broke into a smile.
“Are you selling this place?” Keena asked, moving packed boxes to the corner of the living room.
“Nope! Shauna and Rod are moving in.”
“Yes! We need more space, and that apartment ain’t cutting it. Rod is so happy to move.” Shauna chimed in. “We’re even thinking about starting a family!”
“Awe a little Shauna! That’s great news. See ladies. I’m moving to London, Shauna and Rod are working on having a baby...Keena, you need a fresh start too. Lord knows we can all benefit from my misfortune.”
“Eh, I don’t know. I’ll figure something out.” She replied, with a worried look. “Are you going to fly out to Miami to see your parents before you leave?”
“No, they’re flying out to London in about a month. You know retired people are always ready to travel.” Tanya laughed. “I think my dad is more excited than I am.”
“Ugh, I’m so sad. I’m losing my BFF.” Shauna teared up.
“Don’t be sad, and you’re NOT losing me.” She reassured.
Tanya walked over to her dramatic friend and gave her a tight hug.
“I’m just going to miss you so much!”
“Ladies, we’ve done enough packing for today. Let’s go out for drinks. On me!” Keena sashayed to get her purse.
“I’m down!” Tanya said.
“Me too!” Shauna agreed.
The ladies hit the streets for a “girls night out”. It was like old times, having drinks and juicy girl talk. Tanya was getting back to her old self, the woman before Kenneth came into the picture. Single, enjoying life, and looking forward to endless possibilities.
Devastation or Destiny??? Page 6