by Ireland Gill
One of the drawings I spent the most time on was of Hayden; he was not an angel any longer. I showed him sitting in an empty room with a simple, untreated window in the background shining a small beam of light onto the floor in front of him. He was hunched over in a wooden chair, wingless, and sporting fresh wounds on his back where his wings had once been attached. He held his head in his hands, looking down at the objects in front of him where the light from the window was illuminated. His black, torn wings lay lifeless at his feet, reminding him of the magic they once held. I’d wondered if he’d felt any guilt in breaking them for me.
I knew in my heart that I’d have to learn to resolve things with Hayden; it wasn’t right for us to just keep things festering. But no sooner did I finally come to terms with having to be the first to say something than did Hayden tape a note to my bedroom door for me to find before going to bed that night. It was an invitation.
“Meet me downstairs tomorrow morning at 10. Bring swimsuit. Wear sneakers. – Hayden,” it said.
I wasn’t a fan of being told what to do. Ever. But I decided to play along to see what Hayden had in store. My mind went wild with thoughts as I tried to play out ideas in my head as to what he had planned. I’d tossed and turned for over an hour before finally getting some sleep. Despite the many scenarios playing out in my mind, I knew for certain there was one thing Hayden had on the agenda; he wanted resolve. And we probably wouldn’t be home until we hashed everything out.
When I got up the next morning, I did as I was told with as little eye-rolling as I could manage. I still didn’t like the commands. I ended up wearing my polka dot bikini from Elka under a gray tank denim shorts. Lastly, I grabbed my black All-star sneakers to complete the ensemble before heading out of my room.
“Mornin’,” Jaxon’s sleepy voice called behind me.
“Hey, Jax,” I said. I looked him over to find he was in his blue swimming shorts sported with an assorted flamingo pattern. A beach towel hung over his shoulder. “Going somewhere already?”
He shrugged. “Going for a swim off the dock. Looked like a good day for that.” Then he nodded his head down the hall past me. “I think my bodyguard is coming with me.” He laughed. “I can’t get a hundred feet from the door without a tag-along,” he said in amusement. At least he had a sense of humor about it.
“Indigo or Blane?” I asked.
“Indigo,” he said. “Blane’s not really that social. But then again, I haven’t really made much of an effort, either,” he admitted. “What about you? Looks like you’re bouncing off somewhere.”
I held up my invitation for Jaxon to see.
“Ah.” He observed. “Finally going to hash this out, are we?”
“Looks like it,” I said with a sigh.
He smiled. “I’m glad. I don’t know either of you that well yet, but it will be nice not to have to witness the strain anymore around here. Well, that is, if you resolve this today,” he added. “It’s sort of awkward having to watch you guys avoid each other under the same roof.”
I thought about my brother’s statement. It had never occurred to me that Hayden’s and my conflict set the tone for the rest of the house. I figured everyone just went about how they normally would. But then again, what did I know about what “normal” was for the rest of them? Aside from knowing Luka for a short while, I really didn’t know any of the rest of my house guests at all, especially my own twin brother.
“I guess I have to fix this now. Come hell or high water,” I laughed out my answer. There was a shakiness behind my laugh, an indicative sign that I was unsure what the rest of the day would bring. I wondered if I even believed that I could completely forgive or forget the very thing about which I was truly angry with Hayden. I knew I would have to try.
“I know you can.” Jaxon beamed at me, and then he gave a little shrug. “You’re the Soldier of Light.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Jax. Have fun swimming.”
I headed downstairs. I wasn’t exactly sure what he even meant by that, “You’re the Soldier of Light.” Did he think that it meant I was great at forgiving? God knows that wasn’t true. If anything, I was still human and famous for holding grudges. My capability of forgiving could not possibly have been what he meant. Then I thought about the other traits I possessed, things my father possessed. There was, of course, our infamous stubbornness which didn’t get us very far. But then there was also our strengths and our gifts and our ability to use those for the good. I guess if you add in that stubbornness, you get a dangerous package; someone who won’t relent to rules, someone who won’t sit back and let things happen. Someone who will change their course if it meant bettering things for others they cared about, and someone who would find it in their heart to forgive, even if they weren’t quite ready to.
I was met by a pair of waiting emerald eyes in the foyer. Hayden stood patiently with my black helmet under his arm, and his lips curled into a small smile.
“You accepted,” he said.
“And I’m on time, too,” I pointed out. “Bet you weren’t expecting that.”
“I only would have started to worry around twenty after ten,” he joked, handing me the helmet.
I rolled my eyes playfully. “Still no faith in me.”
“It’s not about a lack of faith, Evika,” Hayden argued. “I just know you all too well.”
That bit of information never went forgotten by me, that Hayden knew me like the back of his hand. I admit, and I’ve said it before, he knew me better than I knew myself sometimes. This fact had gotten easier for me to accept over the time we’d known each other, but it did always thrill me when I could actually do something out of character once in a while just to catch him by surprise. Being on time, for example, is never something I was famous for. This morning proved that I could provide a little bit of my own “out-of-the-blue” once in a while. I hated that everything was always so predictable for him.
I was grateful that Hayden’s choice of travel that morning was the Harley. Although we were finally spending time with each other for the first time since his Fading, our engagement, and my twin brother popping in – all of which happened all in one day a week prior – I had a hunch that riding in the Mustang to wherever Hayden was taking us would have been a silent trip.
I was forced to touch him again for the first time while riding behind him on his motorcycle. I didn’t ask where we were going. I’m not sure I even cared. My arms wrapped around him, and I watched the movement of his muscles as he started up the Harley and tightened his grip on the throttle. I hardly paid attention to the turns we were making down the streets, and observed mostly the passersby, the beach-goers, and some of the shops along the streets setting up for the day. Colorful beach towels, boogie boards, and other ocean gear set up on the rolling racks painted the sidewalks as we headed through the town. Maybe the fact we had to be near each other during that short ride and not have the ability to discuss anything was exactly Hayden’s plan. It just gave me time to observe...and inhale him.
We finally approached an empty gravel parking area after having driven along the main drag by the swampy part of the island outside of town. The lot was hardly big enough for three cars. It was off to the side of a quiet road, bumped up against thick foliage and an unmarked trailhead. Spanish moss draped over the opening like curtains slightly moving to either side as a light breeze blew through it, almost as if inviting us into whatever it was hiding.
“Up for a walk?” Hayden finally said moments after shutting off the engine.
I removed my helmet and handed it to him. “I suppose I have no choice since you’ve dragged me out here,” I said jokingly.
“True,” he agreed.
Hayden pulled aside one of the Spanish moss curtains to reveal an entire jungle of plants and trees. More moss, oak trees, and palmettos made up the landscape around the trail as far as my eyes let me see. The area was peppered with palm trees that stood a bit shorter than the older oaks. The sounds inside the forest c
hanged the faint ocean waves and wind to light breezes rustling through the soft leaves of every plant, and the numerous types of calls from birds. We were surrounded by a completely different world, enveloped in a blanket of a new nature in which I’d never set foot.
We walked for a few minutes, taking in the beauty which surrounded us, and then Hayden came to a stop and turned to me. He studied me for a moment before speaking, as if deliberating over the perfect thing to say.
“So, you know we have to get everything out in the open now, right?” he started. “It’s why I brought you here.”
I wrinkled my nose at him. “I thought everything was already out in the open now. Do you have more to tell me?”
Hayden shook his head. “You know what I mean, Evika. Feelings,” he said. “I know you let things just fester inside until I coax them out of you. Although,” he gave me a small smirk, “you never seem to have an issue showing me your anger...”
“Ha. Ha,” I said sardonically. I was sure that I’d given him quite a fill of my rage for that past week.
“I know you have the full story from Jack on why you and Jaxon were separated, and I’ve already had the chance to discuss things with your brother. He seemed to take everything surprisingly well.”
“You told him that he was possessed when we were kids and that he tried to kill me with a knife?” I asked pointedly, doubting that Hayden had given Jaxon every detail I’d been told by my father.
“Without being excessively graphic, yes,” he said assuredly.
I looked at him incredulously. “So, what more is it that I need to know?”
Hayden looked up, a ray of morning sunlight beamed into his eyes as the breeze moved the tops of the trees, clearing the shadows. He squinted, then slowly moved to the fallen, mossy tree trunk that lay along the side of the trail only a few feet away from where we stood. He propped his elbows on his knees and looked down just before looking up at me with those now glassy, emerald pools. The look in his eyes was indicative of how heavy things were weighing on him.
“You need to know that, out of any challenges to which I’ve been appointed, that was the worst burden I’d ever had to carry, not being able to tell you about your twin brother.”
I’d immediately felt my heart ache for Hayden. This angel, this man, truly loved me all my life. Centuries, since before I was born, he’d witnessed more than I could ever imagine. I knew only a fraction of those things as I’d learned more about him. I knew the face he’d made when he felt a regret over something he couldn’t change. I knew the hue of his eyes when he felt powerless. I knew the position in which he sat admitted his feeling of guilt and defeat. Those were the things that made me crumble. Those were the very things that I needed to see to make me understand that he was beyond torn about having to hold such a dark secret from me.
Hayden hadn’t always played by the rules with the House of Council, but since his trial right before I was born, he’d never broken one. He was reconditioned, almost “reset” to be the Guardian he was meant to be. In some ways, it was a good thing; he’d protected me from the moment I was born, and had done a fine job at it. Holding secrets to protect me was also part of that job. The Council knew he wouldn’t break rules again after that trial; that much was clear. But they were too stupid to realize the events that would come later; the breach of that secret getting out by none other than a human who’d known all about that secret, one of which he could not carry to his grave - my grandfather.
I walked over to Hayden, who was still staring into my eyes and waiting for absolution from me. I sat down on the trunk next to him and reached for his hand, lacing our fingers together. “Hayden, I understand why you did it,” I assured him. “I didn’t want to believe there were more secrets you were keeping, and having Jaxon just show up at the door like that was the worst way for this to be presented to me. I guess...” I paused briefly, “I guess you were the first person I could attack and be pissed at.”
Hayden nodded. “So I’m the lucky one to have gotten the role of your punching bag,” he said with a slight laugh.
I grinned at him. “Figuratively.”
He rolled his eyes playfully. “I’m honored.”
“You should be.” I looked down at our linked hands, realizing it was a feeling I’d truly missed. I ached for it, his touch. “We always hurt the ones we love the most.”
I said this, not sure if it was meant more for the fact that Hayden hurt me so much by omitting the truth about my brother, or if it was meant more for me in that I could be such a brutal ass to Hayden sometimes. So far, the last conflict took the cake; I’d kicked him out once Jaxon showed up. Yes, that was a harsh move.
“Evika, I want to make this right,” he said. “I want nothing between us from now on. I’ve got nothing left to keep from you, so if you have any questions about anything, I will answer them truthfully. I promise. No more secrets.” He spoke as if he were almost relieved that he could finally say these words to me for the first time; words that he’d been prohibited to say for so long.
I looked over at the trail on which we hadn’t gotten too far, then turned my gaze to those green eyes I’d always get lost in. I had so many questions, and I trusted that Hayden would answer all of them. I also had a guilt that loomed over me like a dark cloud. A shame with which I walked because I didn’t want to tell him about my encounter with Alysto. Still, I was determined to keep my mouth shut about it, despite the vow Hayden was making to me.
“Let’s walk,” I told him as I stood, tugging his arm with me.
“As you wish.” He relented.
We walked along the hidden trail among the tall trees, not a moment of silence between us as I learned more details about the story my father had told me in my dream. Certain parts of my memories as a child were stripped away by Costello, any part with Jaxon in them, and any memories Jaxon would have of me. It was to be as if we’d never existed. That was the Council’s first line of defense in making sure that we never knew about one another before the Phantom was destroyed.
The next defense was the Phantom Hunter, Trevor Blane. It had never occurred to me that I hadn’t already wondered what category Blane fell under; human or angel. He was human, but he was one of the fallen – a human from the Middle realm where the dead are entrapped alone. It was a new realm about which I’d learned was much like the Dark realm, but the soul could remove themselves at any time once they forgave themselves. They had the power to put themselves there and to remove themselves without even knowing they had the power all along to do so. In the Middle realm, they punish themselves.
For the first time in history, the Council pulled a soul from the Middle realm before his self-redemption. Blane had a certain set of skills that they coveted in order to protect me and my brother, experienced at tracking with an uncanny accuracy at knife-throwing. They felt that with his skills, and the fact he’d spent so long already in the Middle realm, they’d offer him the deal; he would hunt down the Phantom and then get his freedom to move onto the World of Light.
The story as to why Blane was in the Middle realm in the first place remained a mystery to Hayden, but the angel said that every man or woman was there due to their self-affliction. Each of them had their own story as to why they put themselves there, put themselves in a dark place in which they felt they deserved to endure. It can take some years, even centuries, to forgive themselves and let themselves move on. Blane was no different.
As we walked, I revisited the idea of my memories being taken from me. Costello was the only angel with that power, my father told me.
“My memories,” I started, “Jack said they were with someone called a. . .” I tried to remember.
“Memory Keeper,” Hayden answered. “Deacon resides at the House of Council.”
I looked up ahead and saw the last of the trail as it had ended not far from the original trailhead by the parking lot. “Am I able to get those back from him?” I asked, hopeful.
“You are.” Hayden slowed h
is pace. “You both can, you and your brother.” He stopped our walking at the end of the trail and turned to me. “We will have to go and see the Council to request them. You can meet all of them.”
Maybe it was the feeling of guilt that swept through me, but I stood on my tip-toes to lightly press my lips to his. Hayden gave a slight jerk with his hands, not expecting my sudden move, then relaxed, relenting to my kiss. I relished in that I could be unpredictable to him twice in one day.
“I’d like that,” I said.
He beamed at me for a moment. “So do I have it then?”
“Have what?” I asked.
He leaned down and pressed his forehead against mine, closing his eyes. “Your forgiveness,” he whispered.
“Without a doubt,” I promised.
It had been already three hours since we’d started our hiking along that trail. We walked back to the Harley and took a ride to our next destination, whatever Hayden had planned. I didn’t ask. Although I was not a fan of surprises, I trusted that I could handle whatever he had in store for us that day.
Hayden pulled down and sandy, gravely road canopied with hanging palms and Spanish moss. We parked in the sandy parking lot of The Crab Shack, a set up old wood shack looking structures. A large, standing alligator statue greeted us at the hostess stand with a sign above it: “Where the elite eat in their bare feet.”
Hayden pulled at my hand to guide me to the front. “You’re trying some of the best local crab today before we do anything else.”
I laughed at him. It seemed as though Hayden had been dying to take me to this place since we’d moved there. The hostess seated us at a table on the outside deck. All of the tables sported a hole in the center for all of the seafood waste, and a smaller second table slightly above it which held a roll of paper towels and all of the condiments needed for the meals. I had a feeling we were going to get messy.