Pausing, Connor considered whether to elaborate. It would have been easy to stop there, let Ashley believe there was an academic side to Connor that he’d been hiding all this time. It wouldn’t have been true , and Connor wanted Ashley to know the truth, no matter how much that might change her opinion. “Sometimes I do fall asleep to the more boring ones,” he admitted first. There was a certain tone of droning voice that lulled Connor to sleep like nothing else. “And I’m not very good at remembering all the facts from them.” Connor didn’t think watching documentaries made him any more clever than if he hadn’t.
Whatever Connor might've anticipated Ashley's reaction to be, it wasn't the way she lightly bumped his arm with her hand to make him look at her and then give him a smile. “I fall asleep watching documentaries, too,” she assured. “And no one can remember all the facts.” She sounded so sure of herself, like there was no room for disagreement and somehow that made this feel better.
Clicking through to Netflix, Ashley selected one of the animal documentaries and once it was on, she cuddled closer to Connor. “This is nice. Maybe we can make this a tradition for the very rare occasions you lose?”
Connor smiled, both at Ashley’s confidence that losing was a rare event and at the thought of having a tradition with her. “Yeah,” he agreed, wrapping one arm around Ashley’s shoulders and dropping a kiss against her hair. “We’ll have to do it at other times, too,” he pointed out, his playful tone proving just how much better he felt for having Ashley there. “Otherwise I’ll start losing games just so I get to cuddle with you.” Connor wouldn’t really, of course. He doubted Ashey would object to them watching animal documentaries on normal evenings.
The documentary was just getting going when Connor realized, with an almost physical shock, that of course, this couldn’t be their tradition when he lost, because Ashley wasn’t going to be here. It made Connor feel moody all over again. “I guess, when you’re in Dallas, we can watch together over Skype.” It didn’t feel at all as good, but it would have to be better than nothing.
“Yeah,” Ashley nodded and there was an easiness in her tone that Connor didn’t really share. “Or FaceTime, or even just the phone,” she listed, nudging Connor’s arm again so he’d look at her. When he did, Ashley gave him a soft look. “I know it’ll be harder, but we’ll make it work.” And again, there was a sort of confidence in her tone that Connor just couldn’t share. He didn’t know how she could be so sure.
Maybe it was just his mood. Connor doubted he’d feel any more positive tomorrow. It hurt to imagine sitting on the phone with Ashley, unable to touch her, to smell her perfume or see the way that she beamed up at him whenever she was pleased.
He opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again. If it was just his mood, there was no sense in bringing Ashley down with him. If his feelings did persist, he could always talk to her later. It would be harder, but it wasn’t as though Connor felt it would be impossible . Unless Ashley wanted to stay in Dallas forever .
They hadn’t talked about whether there was an end in sight. It was too early when they hadn’t even been separated yet. Connor couldn’t help but feel he might be more positive about the whole thing if he knew it was temporary.
“We will make it work,” Connor said. That much, at least, they could agree on. Connor wasn’t going to let something as trivial as distance get in the way of this now.
Connor had felt an unusual level of dread at the thought of another series of away games. It was only somewhat lessened by the fact that the last of them was in Pittsburg, where Connor’s mom still lived. She always made a point of taking him out for a pre-game walk. Supposedly it was to calm Connor’s game day nerves, but mostly it gave them an excuse to catch up. Connor liked revisiting the places he’d walked as a kid.
“Don’t try to lie to me,” Liz chided, once Connor had repeated for the third time how he and Ashley had decided to date for real. “I know you miss her.”
Connor really did . This was the longest he’d been away from Ashley since they’d met. Texting her just wasn’t filling the hole in Connor’s life.
“I called her yesterday, and we talked for almost an hour,” Connor admitted, “but -” He sighed, and his mom made a gesture for him to carry on. “It’s not the same,” he said, and he knew he sounded whiny. Luckily, his mom was one of the people who’d put up with that in him. “I miss her being here.”
Liz fixed him with a look before she said, “If what you mean it that you miss the sex -”
“ Mom! ” Connor was so scandalized that he laughed, feeling lighter than he had in days. “That isn’t what I mean.” Of course, he missed the sex, not that he was going to tell his mom as much, but it wasn’t just that. “I don’t know how to explain it,” he grumbled.
“I get it,” his mom offered, her tone far more sympathetic. “It’s a new relationship, you want to be around each other all the time, isn’t that right?” Slowly, Connor nodded, his brows furrowing.
“I want to be around her all the time,” he said. He wasn’t sure Ashley necessarily felt the same way. “I don’t know if she misses me as much as I miss her.” Ashley had said that she missed him. It wasn’t that Connor didn’t believe her, but it nagged at him. “She’s so positive about how we’ll be able to work everything out when she moves,” he admitted. “Like it doesn’t even bother her that we won’t be together.” It bothered Connor a lot. He had yet to actually confess as much to Ashley.
They turned a corner onto a quieter street, and Connor glanced over to find his mom watching him with a tiny smile. “Don’t you think maybe Ashley’s being positive because she worries about missing you?” Connor must have looked as confused as he felt because his mom laughed. “Sweetie, she’s worrying about it, just as much as you are. She’s trying to put a positive spin on it to make you both feel better.”
It did sound like something Ashley would do. It eased an anxiety in Connor’s stomach to think that Ashley wasn’t looking forward to their separation as much as he’d thought.
“I wish she didn’t have to go,” he admitted. “There must be PR jobs she can do in Madison. Or somewhere nearer than Dallas . I don’t even know how long she’s going to be out there.” Connor was sure he’d read somewhere that hopping between jobs didn’t look good, that you ought to expect to stay in one place for at least a year or two. He couldn’t imagine only seeing Ashley occasionally for a whole year.
“Have you talked about it?” Liz asked, and Connor shrugged.
“She thinks it’ll be fine. I’ll fly her out sometimes, and we’ll talk on the phone.” It felt so horribly inadequate to think that was all the contact that they’d have. “I can’t ask her not to go.” Connor had thought about it. He knew it wasn’t right to ask Ashley to make such a drastic change to her plans, not when they hadn’t really known each other all that long.
“Maybe you don’t have to ask her,” Liz suggested. “Maybe what you need to do is something to show her how much you miss her. I’m sure she’d appreciate knowing you care.”
“You think she doesn’t know I care?” Connor asked, confused. He’d assumed that Ashley knew. Even though they hadn’t talked much about it, surely Ashley understood that Connor wasn’t wild about the idea of her being away? “I guess you could be right,” he mused. “I’ve been acting like it’ll be fine because she has.” Maybe Ashley had been acting like it would be fine because Connor had, too. She couldn’t really want to move away from him, could she? Not if she liked him as much as Connor liked her.
“I know you’re not sure yet, but if she is your soulmate, surely that means you’re supposed to be together?” Liz asked. Connor tried to repress the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth. Talking about soulmates with his mom was dangerous. Despite how badly her relationship with Connor’s dad had turned out, Liz still believed that soulmarks could be relied upon. Connor had never quite agreed. The idea of Ashley being his soulmate made him both stupidly happy and unbearably nervous.
“Maybe,” he hedged, “but Ashley doesn’t believe in soulmates.” It was more complicated than that. Ashley did think they might be each other’s, but Connor knew she didn’t necessarily believe that meant lasting happiness for them. Neither did Connor. At least, not completely. “She wouldn’t change the plans she’s made for work on the strength of my name being the same as her soulmark.” That much, at least, Connor was certain of.
“But she could make new plans, couldn’t she?” Liz asked. “She’s attached to the plans she made, but if something happened to make her adapt, she could.” It wasn’t a point Connor had thought about. He could see how it might be true. Ashley was excited about Dallas, and she’d made a lot of plans for getting herself out there and getting settled. She was so good at making plans, though, that if she had to, Connor had no doubt she’d make new plans she was just as excited about.
If she had to.
After the game, Connor thought a lot about what his mom had said. Showing Ashley, rather than telling her, how much he hated the idea of being away sounded appealing, but Connor didn’t really know how .
He could buy her something, bring home some gift as a way of showing that he’d been thinking of her. Ashley knew he’d been thinking of her because Connor had sent her messages almost constantly. Besides, she didn’t really seem the kind of girl who’d get all emotional over some flowers or a piece of jewelry. Connor liked that about her. She wasn’t always angling for Connor to buy her things. She let him pay for meals and outings, but that made sense. Connor was a professional hockey player, while Ashley was a student working in a diner.
Big gestures had never really been Connor’s strong point, despite his mom’s obsession with love stories. He almost wished he could ask Ashley what he should do. He had no doubt that she would know. It would defeat the point of not talking about his feelings.
It stayed in Connor’s mind that Ashley could make new plans. This job in Dallas wasn’t the only thing that would make her happy. Actually, if she found another job, nearer Madison, wouldn’t that make her happier? Connor didn’t think he was being arrogant in assuming Ashley would’ve liked to stay close if she could .
Sat at their departure gate, ready to fly home, Connor scrolled through job ads for PR. He quickly realized that he had no idea what half the terms meant. There was no way he could judge what Ashley would consider a good job.
“Hey, Scott,” Connor called. “What would you look for if you wanted a job managing the PR for a big brand?”
Crossing to take the seat next to Connor’s, Scott gave him a puzzled look. “You thinking of quitting hockey, Lewis?” he teased, making Connor laugh.
“Fuck no. Hockey for life. It’s for Ashley.” That, if anything, made Scott look even more confused.
“I thought Ashley had a job lined up?” he asked. “I’m sure I’ve got an email in my inbox asking us for a reference.”
“You have?” This was the first Connor had heard about it. He remembered Ashley saying she’d emailed the company in Dallas to let them know about her thesis.
“Yeah, they asked if we’re impressed with her. I’m going to reply tomorrow, tell them that she’s great.” Scott grinned, and Connor felt his stomach churn. Ashley was great. She’d made Connor’s image better than it had ever been, but Connor didn’t want Scott to tell the people in Dallas about how great she was. It would mean Ashley leaving .
If only, just this once, someone could tell the employers in Dallas that Ashley wasn’t great. Maybe they’d want to hire someone else. Then any future jobs - especially ones closer to Madison - would get to hear about Ashley being amazing.
A horrible idea struck Connor then. Why couldn’t he tell Dallas that Ashley wasn’t great? She’d worked with him the most, and as far as they knew, it was all a PR stunt. Connor could make it sound like she’d been difficult to work with, and they’d almost certainly believe him.
If the job in Dallas went away, Ashley would find a new job. She’d probably be relieved that she didn’t have to move. She could stay in Madison - or at least, closer to Madison.
“Do you want me to talk to them?” Connor asked, almost before he’d really committed to a decision. “I’ve worked with her more closely than you have.” It would be for the best - for everyone . Ashley and Connor could stay together, without having to rely on Skype and phone calls. They could explore whether they really were soulmates without having to wonder if being so far apart was messing everything up.
“Sure, if you want,” Scott agreed readily. “I can forward you the email now, I’m sure they’d be glad to hear from you.”
When the email came through, Connor read it carefully. He’d never had to write a reference for someone before, and he didn’t really know where to start. Before he could worry too much about it, their flight was boarding. Connor’s nerves were swept away by the excitement of getting to see Ashley again.
This was a good idea, he convinced himself. It would mean Ashley would always be there after Connor had been away. He spent the long hours of the flight drafting an email and sent it off as soon as he was home.
Chapter Ten
The call had come early in the morning and Ashley had just gotten out of the shower. It hadn’t been a long conversation. The point had been put across perfectly fine - Ashley’s job offer had been withdrawn. When she’d asked why, the only explanation she’d been given was that they didn’t think she’d be a good fit for the company. It didn’t make sense and Ashley felt almost dizzy as she sat down on her bed.
For the past year, Ashley had worked so hard to be able to land this job. When it had come through she’d been ecstatic . It was such a great opportunity, it’d let her put a foot in the door for much bigger things in the future. Except now it wouldn’t. Suddenly, Ashley was a month away from graduating and had no job to go into. She had already given notice at the diner, though maybe her boss would keep her on.
It wasn’t what Ashley wanted , though. It certainly wasn’t what she had planned . That was what finally pushed Ashley over the edge, the tears coming almost unstoppably. She’d just about managed to text Connor. It was nice to know that she could, that he’d come over and make her feel better. Because right now? Ashley really needed to feel better.
By the time Connor got there, Ashley had managed to stop crying, but her face was still puffy, eyes red as she let Connor in. Before he could even say anything Ashley had pulled Connor into a hug, already feeling better just for having his big arms hold her.
“I lost my job,” she said when she finally pulled back. It was hard to even say it out loud without bursting into tears again.
Connor seemed almost as shocked as Ashley had been. He kept his arms wrapped around her, pressing a kiss against her hair. Ashley felt his warm hand on her back, rubbing soothing circles while he made wordlessly sympathetic noises.
When he did pull back, it was only far enough for him to cup Ashley's face, one hand tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I know it sucks,” he said slowly, “but there will be other jobs, right?”
It was logical , of course, because yes, there would be other jobs. Ashley had wanted this job. She did take a step back to give Connor somewhat of a weak smile. “You’re right,” she nodded. Ashley didn’t feel like Connor was right, but she knew he was. “I just don’t...” Rather than finishing the sentence, Ashley sighed. She moved further into the apartment, Connor following her as she went.
Reaching for Connor’s hand Ashley gave it a squeeze. “It’s just that I had a plan, you know? And I thought they wanted me. This was going to be such a big step.” The emotions edged closer once more, making Ashley sniffle again. She crawled on the sofa, pulling a pillow in close so she could hug it.
Connor followed her, clasping Ashley's hand between his big, warm palms. “I know,” he agreed. “I know this isn't what you'd planned, and that's a lot to deal with.” He squeezed Ashley's hand. “I know you, though. I know you'll come up with another plan that's just as good.
”
It was sweet, Connor's faith in her. Of course, he didn't really know anything about having a job outside of hockey. “There must be other companies,” he carried on, sounding almost as though he was trying to convince himself. “Companies that can be a big step, too.”
“It’s really hard to get a good starter job,” Ashley said with a small sigh. “I worked really hard to land this. They weren’t even going to consider me before I did a postgraduate degree. Even then I had to sit three different tests to even get to the internship level.” It was frustrating that they hadn’t really given Ashley a reason . After all her hard work and after they had offered her a job .
Ashley couldn’t help the way it just all suddenly felt so hopeless. “I just wish I knew what happened .” It made Ashley feel pretty bad about the potential of getting a job when the one she had gotten had decided they didn’t want her before she’d gotten a chance to actually work.
Connor was quiet. When Ashley turned to look at him, he had his lower lip caught between his teeth, almost as if he were nervous on her behalf. It didn't make a lot of sense. “I didn't realize it was so difficult,” he said, and his expression was troubled.
“Don't you think it might be a good thing, in some ways?” Connor asked. “You might be able to get a job that's closer. There must be brands in Madison that need promotion.” He gave Ashley a small smile. It sounded like he really was hopeful.
Ashley understood why Connor would assume that. Maybe she'd think so too if Ashley hadn't spent so long finding and then securing the right sort of a graduate position for herself. Still, she knew that Connor wanted her to be closer and that was sweet, so Ashley gave him a soft smile. “Yeah.” Though she wasn't completely sure what it was referring to.
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