Finding Me

by Stella Rainbow

  “Sorry,” I apologized in a hoarse voice, wondering why this was hitting me so hard.

  Brady shook his head at me, his voice soft as he spoke, “This is a big step for you, Ceebee. You’re allowed to feel everything you’re feeling right now. I still remember the first time I put makeup on. I’d ended up ruining it in minutes because I couldn’t stop the happy tears from flowing.”

  “Ceebee?” I asked with a wet chuckle.

  Brady grinned at me cheekily and I might be wrong, but his cheeks had turned pink as he spoke, “It’s my new nickname for you. Very few people get a nickname from me. You should feel lucky.”

  “Oh, that I am. I’m very lucky to have found you, Brady Knight,” I said, meaning every single word. The blush that lit up Brady’s face with a rosy hue was so worth it. “And I like the nickname. I really do.”

  “Good.” Brady said with a grin. “And for what it’s worth, I’m very glad I found you too, Ceebee De Luca.” Brady started laughing at whatever face I was making and I shook my head in return, feeling happier and warmer than ever. I carefully placed the other two bracelets into the pocket of my jeans and took a sip of my now lukewarm coffee.

  We shared an easy silence for a while as Brady worked on his sketch and I watched the people milling about the café.

  “Okay, I’m done,” Brady said before turning around the sketchpad and pushing it towards me, a slightly nervous look on his face.

  I glanced down at the sketch and an awed gasp escaped my lips as I saw what he’d drawn. Unlike me, he’d drawn the kind of models fashion designers did, faceless with the complete focus on the clothes they were wearing. And what clothes they were.

  The first model wore white leggings paired with black ankle boots, a dark loose top that hung to their thighs and a full-sleeved cloak-like jacket that ended at their knees. It was perfect. It wasn’t too masculine but it wasn’t overtly feminine either. Just like me, in a way. The other model wore short denim-shorts and a long black top that ended at the belly on the front but ran all the way to the ankles on the back with full sleeves with patterns cut into it. It wasn’t like anything I’d ever worn before, but I could also imagine myself wearing it. Maybe not out in the open just yet, but I could definitely try.

  “So?” Brady asked, and there was definitely a note of nervousness in his voice.

  “Holy hell, you’re amazing. These are gorgeous, Brady.”

  Brady grinned at me, all nervousness gone. “I know the second one is very different from what you wear, but I think it’d suit you.”

  I nodded in agreement, my eyes still on the sketches. “I can see it. But…” I trailed off, biting my lower lip as I looked up at Brady.

  “But what?”

  “Some of these clothes are definitely feminine. Would they be available in my size or would I have to get them made specifically?”

  Brady chuckled, his face lighting up in excitement. “Are you free Wednesday evening?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “Because we’re going shopping!”

  6 | Brady

  By the time Tuesday evening rolled in, I was sure I was coming down with something. My head felt sluggish and I was feeling sleepier by the minute. Once Kasey realized I wasn’t doing all that well, she told me she’d take care of everything and promptly forced me to leave. I knew it wasn’t only because she cared for me—though she did care for me a lot—but also because she was worried I’d pass it on to her and thereby her little kiddo, not to mention all the café patrons, which was why I left without any argument.

  Once I was home, I bundled myself up in blankets—not even changing out of my work clothes. Shivers started to race up my body as the fever set in. I knew sleeping would help, but sluggish as I felt, I was too hungry and uncomfortable to fall asleep. Maybe I should order something to eat? I was pretty sure I had absolutely nothing edible at home.

  I grabbed my phone to order something light, hoping I wouldn’t start feeling nauseous too and my eyes fell on a text from Charlie.

  CeeBee: Hey Brady, when do you want to go shopping tomorrow?

  Damn, I’d completely forgotten about that. There was no way I’d be in fit enough condition to go shopping with them tomorrow. With a frown, I tapped out a reply, hoping Charlie wouldn’t be too disappointed. I knew I was. I’d been looking forward to hanging out with them and picking out some fun clothes for them.

  Me: Hey Charlie. I’m so sorry, we’ll have to postpone the trip. I’m not feeling too well.

  CeeBee: Are u alright?

  Me: Eh, just the flu or something, I think. I’m bundled up under the blankets. Will be fine soon, don’t worry.

  CeeBee: Have you eaten?

  Me: Nope. Was just about to order something.

  CeeBee: Don’t order. I’ll be there in a few.

  Huh? Why was Charlie coming here? They’d get sick too.

  Me: No! You’ll get sick too! I’ll order in, it’s okay.

  CeeBee: I’ll be okay. Stay put.

  I groaned as I put my phone away, shaking my head and quickly realizing it was a bad idea when I started feeling dizzy again. A part of me felt happy that Charlie cared for me enough to want to come over, but a part of me was also confused. Why did they care so much, anyway? We barely knew each other, right?

  Well, that wasn't true. We'd spent a lot of time together since we'd met, and they did know me pretty well by now, just like I knew them. Right?

  Ugh, now the fever was making me overthink things. Charlie was just being their usual friendly, kind self and I needed to stop worrying over it.

  My eyes drifted close of their own accord and I slipped into a hazy half-sleep before I knew it. The shrill ringtone from my phone snapped me out of my slumber and I picked up the call with shaky hands. “’Lo?”

  “Brady, it’s Charlie. Open the front door, please?”

  “Oh, sure.” I stumbled to my feet, pressing my free hand to the wall to support myself as I slowly shuffled towards the front door. My head felt as if it was full of cotton balls and I was already starting to feel chilly again. I opened the door and shivered as a cool wind blew in. Charlie stepped inside quickly, closing the door behind them before turning to face me. They pressed the back of their hand against my forehead and frowned, “You’re burning up, Brady. Come on.”

  They curled their arm around my shoulder and led me back to my bed and I trudged along, leaning into their warmth gratefully. Once we reached my bed, I sat down heavily, willing myself to say something, to thank them, but my mouth wouldn’t move. My eyelids felt heavy and I was having trouble keeping them open but I could hear Charlie puttering around the room. After a few minutes, they walked up to me and I forced my eyes open. They knelt before me on the bed and ran a hand through my hair, pushing it off my sweaty forehead. How could I feel cold and sweat at the same time? What kind of sorcery was this?

  “Come on, let’s get you into something more comfortable. Then you can rest while I heat up the soup.” It took my scrambled brain more than a few minutes to process what they’d said and before I could say more than a mumbled “Huh?” they were pulling my shirt over my head, quickly and efficiently replacing it with an old, soft t-shirt of mine. I shivered as the cold fabric slid against my skin and they rubbed my arm, murmuring comfortingly.

  “Can you stand up for me?” Charlie asked and I nodded, forcing myself to get to my feet. My legs felt like jelly, so I gripped Charlie’s shoulders firmly as I wobbled. Thankfully, they didn’t seem to mind. Slowly and with a lot of stumbling, we managed to get me out of my jeans and into a pair of pajamas. I sat down as soon as they pulled my pants up, unable to support myself any longer. They pressed a soft, comforting kiss on my temple before standing up.

  “Come on, lie down. I’m going to tuck you in and then get you something to eat, okay?” Charlie asked and I mumbled an assent as I crawled to the middle of the bed and lay down, mindful of Cherry who had apparently slept through all the excitement of watching me stumble around half-dead.
/>
  Charlie leaned over me and covered me with the blankets, making sure to tuck it in from all sides. Why were they so good at this?

  “Call me if you need anything, okay? I’ll be in the kitchen.”

  I closed my eyes once they were gone, feeling too tired to do anything else. I couldn’t remember the last time someone had done something like this for me, taken care of me the way Charlie was. My parents loved me, but they’d never been the affectionate types. They cared for me but I’d rarely gotten a hug or a kiss from them, so having them take care of me while I was sick almost seemed like a dream. It was why I now felt so weird having Charlie take care of me this way.

  “Brady? You up?”

  “Yeah,” I said and immediately cringed at how hoarse I sounded.

  Charlie winced in sympathy as they walked over and took a seat beside me on the bed, a tray in their hands that they placed on the bedside table before turning to me. “Do you think you can sit up? Have some soup?”

  “Yep,” I mumbled as I tried to push myself into a sitting position but my limbs were unwilling to cooperate. Charlie must have realized this because they stood up and then grabbed me by my armpits and helped me sit up.

  “Uh, thanks,” I croaked out and they gave me a grin before grabbing the soup bowl and resuming their seat. Instead of handing me the bowl as I’d expected them to, they dipped the spoon into the soup before holding it up in front of my mouth. I went a bit cross-eyed as I stared at the spoon, dumbfounded. Were they actually going to feed me? What kind of weird universe was I in that I was getting taken care of instead of the other way around? What the fuck was happening?

  “Come on, take a sip,” Charlie urged and I opened my mouth. Charlie tiled the contents of the spoon into my mouth and I sighed as the soup warmed me from the inside. I couldn’t taste it much because my taste buds felt out of whack, but what I could taste was enough to tell me this wasn’t the canned soup I usually ate. Charlie had made the soup for me? From scratch?

  They held up another spoonful of soup and I obediently opened my mouth. Spoon by spoon they fed me until I’d emptied the bowl. I hadn’t realized just how hungry I was, but I felt so much better now. Though I knew the takeout I’d been planning to order wouldn’t have cut it the way Charlie’s soup had.

  “Okay, lay down and try to sleep, okay?” Charlie said as they stood up. They helped me as I snuggled back under the covers before turning off the lights and leaving the room. I heard the click of nails on the hardwood floor and realized Cherry must’ve followed them out of the room. I closed my eyes and waited for sleep to come, but unfortunately it was nowhere to be found. I’d never been able to sleep when I was sick, for some weird reason. I knew people usually slept more when they were sick, but for some reason I was an exception to the rule. Now that the dizziness and hunger was gone, I felt strangely wide awake.

  It was a few minutes later that I heard Charlie walk back into the room, though they didn’t turn on the lights. “Hey Brady, you still up?”

  I hummed to let them know I was and waited for them to speak.

  “I cleaned up in the kitchen and I took Cherry out too, so no need to worry about that, alright?”

  I opened my eyes at that and turned to look up at their silhouette. “You took Cherry out?”

  “Yeah, she needed a bathroom break. Don’t worry, I cleaned up after her.”

  “Thank you so much. I don’t know why you’re doing all of this for me, but thank you.”

  “I’m doing this because you’re my friend and I care about you. Aren’t you sleepy?” Was that an abrupt change of topic or was it just my fever-induced brain?

  “Nah, I can’t sleep when I’m sick. It’s awful.”

  “Do you…do you want me to sing to you?” Charlie offered in a soft, hesitant voice.

  “Sing to me?”

  “Yeah, I used to sing for my little brother when he got sick. Only if you want, though.”

  “Yes, please,” I whispered softly and Charlie sat down beside me, their hand coming to rest on my forehead. They ran their fingers through my hair for a few moments before they started singing in a soft, deep voice that felt like honey as it curled around me in a warm embrace. It took me a moment to realize that the words were Spanish. I had no idea what they meant, but the tune was soft and melodious, making my eyes drift close as I let Charlie’s warm voice wash over me. I wasn’t sure how long they sang, but after a while all I could hear was the soft murmur of their voice and before I knew it, I was asleep.

  7 | Charlie

  I sang until I was absolutely sure Brady was asleep. I was still surprised I’d offered to sing, but somewhere along the night, I’d switched into the role I used to play for my little brother when we were younger. My mom died when I was ten and my brother was just five years old. Since our dad spent most of his time working, it fell to me to take care of my brother, especially when he was ill. I was used to doing it which was why I’d so easily taken care of Brady, but now that he was asleep, I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I go home? What if he needed me?

  I’d seen how unsteady Brady was when he'd tried walking back to his room after he let me in. I’d also noticed that he’d seemed slightly uncomfortable when I took over, as if he wasn’t used to being taken care of. I wasn’t sure why that was. I knew he still had both his parents and that they accepted his sexuality, but that was all I knew. Did they not take care of him when he was a kid? Or had Brady just been uncomfortable because it was me taking care of him? Ugh, I needed to stop overthinking and figure out what I should do.

  Brady didn’t have a guest room, so I’d have to camp out on the couch if I stayed. I took one last look at Brady’s face, appreciating how handsome he looked even as he slept, his hair covering his forehead. I leaned down and pushed the hair off, pressing a soft kiss to his fever warm, clammy skin before standing up. With one last look to make sure he was efficiently covered, I walked out of the room and into the living room, eyeing the couch as I wondered if I’d fit.

  Brady’s place was small, but it had a homey, warm feel to it that my place lacked. There were splashes of color everywhere, from the bright, abstract paintings on the walls to the throw pillows with bright covers on the couch. The carpet had geometric patterns made in primary colors and the tall shelves beside the television was full of colorful knick-knacks, most of which looked handmade. And yet, despite all the colors, the room didn’t feel harsh or too bright in any way. Somehow, Brady had managed to find just the right balance to make the room feel warm and inviting instead of an explosion of colors.

  I’d noticed that the kitchen was neither well-stocked nor well-used. The only stock in his pantry had been baking-related, which told me that Brady helped out in more than one area of the café he ran. It also told me that Brady was not one for cooking. Well, that was alright because I loved cooking. Thankfully, he had enough eggs and bread that I’d be able to make him a light breakfast tomorrow before having to do a grocery run. Hopefully, he would feel better tomorrow.

  I contemplated going home and then coming back early tomorrow, but then Cherry raced out of the bedroom, her long hair shining in the low light as she came up to stand near my feet, looking up at me with her dark, button-like eyes. I could feel myself melting under that warm look as I looked into her eyes. “Do you want me to stay, Cherry?”

  She woofed happily, as if agreeing with me and I grinned. “Well then, will you cuddle with me?”

  As if she knew exactly what I meant, she hobbled over to the couch and jumped up on the couch before giving me a look. Chuckling, I followed her and lay down on the couch, groaning as I realized I’d have to sleep in my jeans. Maybe I should have gone home. Before I could act on it, Cherry clambered up on my chest and sat down, her wild hair tickling my nose. I pushed the hair away before running my fingers through the long hair. I’d seen pictures of Maltese dogs, but most of their owners kept their hair trimmed down. Not Brady. Instead, Brady had taken the fur around her face and tied it with a bow on
top of her head, making it look like she had a cute little ponytail on top of her head. It made her look even more adorable.

  My thoughts turned to Brady as I petted the tiny dog. It had barely been two weeks since we met and Brady had so quickly become so important to me. I knew part of it was the fact that Brady was helping me figure myself out, but even without that, I enjoyed hanging out with him. He was funny, sweet, cheerful and so kind. He was exactly the kind of man I’d want to date if I had a type. Or if I dated. I knew that if Brady asked me out—as unlikely as that was—I’d say yes without hesitation. But would he want to? Want me?

  I was such a mess, had no idea who I was. What could Brady ever find attractive about me?

  I shook the question away and buried my fingers deeper into Cherry’s fur and closed my eyes. Thankfully, the couch wasn’t too uncomfortable and it didn’t take me long to fall asleep.

  When I woke up, it took me a moment to remember where I was. Brady’s house, right. Brady was sick and I’d come over to take care of him and decided to sleep here.

  I got off the couch, pleased to see Cherry still asleep on the other side of the couch. I wondered if getting a dog myself would be a good idea, but then shook it off. I already had too many things to deal with at the moment, and getting a pet only to leave them alone at home all day didn’t sit well with me. So, I peppered some kisses on top of Cherry’s head before making my way to the hallway bathroom. I freshened up, though grabbing a shower would have to wait since I had no plans of wearing the same clothes again after taking a shower.

  I decided to make Brady a breakfast before waking him up and headed into the kitchen. Last night, I’d only been here long enough to heat up the soup, but I’d seen enough to know that he only had a loaf of bread and some eggs. I sliced the bread to make some toast and turned on the coffee machine. Just as I was about to start on the scrambled eggs, I heard the clicking sound of Cherry’s nails on the hardwood floor and realized Brady must be awake. Putting down the eggs, I wiped my hands before heading into his room.