Jackie manages a wan smile. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." Nick reaches out and tousles her hair. "And you don't have to be sorry. I know I'm not a replacement for your father. Just the guy who took the job afterwards. I can't imagine what that must have been like for you. It's okay if you still miss them."
Jackie knuckles a few tears away and nods. "Thanks."
"I mean it, though," Nick says. "You are an amazing young woman, Jackie. You're smart and brave, and you're loyal and hard-working. Any father would be proud to call you their daughter. And anybody would be lucky to have you. Either as a friend or as something more."
"Then why…" Jackie swallows. "Why doesn't she want me?"
"I don't know, Jackie. But it isn't a reflection on you. Sometimes, people just…don't fit together."
"Like you and Ryan?"
Nick lets out a breath. "It was a long time ago."
Jackie draws one knee up to her chest. "What happened?"
Nick sighs. He doesn't want to talk about it. But he thinks that maybe Jackie deserves to know. "It wasn't supposed to be serious. It was just…physical. It was a way for me to rebel against my father. And when it got serious, when I realized how I felt, I broke it off with him. Then the world went to war, and everything…everything changed."
"Do you wish it could have been different? That you could still be together?"
"I don't know." Nick tries to picture it. Picture a life where he and Ryan are still together. What would that look like? Would he live in the slums of Cold Creek with his lover and his children? Would Ryan have helped him raise Valerie and Jackie? What would Valerie and Jackie be like in that universe? "Maybe."
"He's still out there, you know," Jackie says.
"I know."
"So you could, in theory…"
Nick shakes his head. "It doesn't work that way, Jackie."
Jackie looks over at him. "Did you ever tell him that you loved him?"
Nick doesn't look back. He's thinking about Ryan saying 'you do still love me' and how he hadn't denied it. But had he ever said it himself? No. That word had been forbidden between the two of them. Until the library, neither of them had ever said it. "No."
"Maybe you should," Jackie says. "Maybe it would mean something."
"You ever heard the phrase 'a day late and a dollar short?'" Nick asks.
Jackie doesn't flinch. "You ever heard the phrase 'better late than never?'"
Nick sighs. "It's complicated."
"I just want you to be happy, Dad."
Nick swings an arm around Jackie's shoulders. "You're a good kid. Don't let anyone tell you different. Now, let's go home, see what Helen's cooking up for dinner. Okay?"
"Yeah, okay."
As they're walking back, Nick takes a deep breath and plunges back in. "But if you wanted to go back into the militia, you know, I'd understand. I'm not always comfortable with it, but I know that it's helped you a lot."
Jackie stares straight ahead as she walks. "Mitchell put you up to that, huh?"
Nick gives another sigh. "Yeah."
"He still thinks I'm the mole?"
"I guess he has some suspicions along those lines, yeah." Nick has started to wonder himself, to be honest. Jackie has always been so vehement about hating werewolves but doesn't seem to care that Nick dated one, and is even encouraging him to try to get back together with him. It doesn't fit. He almost asks but then doesn't. If Jackie is the mole, and Nick asks, she'll just lie. And Nick doesn't want to hear his daughter lie to him.
Chapter Twelve
Valerie isn't any happier than her father to see Jackie back in the militia. She understands why Jackie did it, even without either of them saying anything to her. The more she sits and thinks about it, the more she understands exactly what Jackie is up to.
Jackie had been vehement that she couldn't risk Mitchell finding out what she was doing. But Valerie doesn't think the consequences would have been that severe. A couple people had been caught smuggling supplies before. They got prison time, or more often sentences of manual labor. They didn't get executed in the square. Even the kind of long-term con that Jackie was running, the worst that would happen would be that she would be thrown out of the militia and exiled to the lower districts.
So what was Jackie so afraid of? Valerie wondered, and now she thinks she knows.
It could have been a coincidence that Jackie had brought in a member of the Callaghan pack who turned out to be a plant. Sure. Someone on the inside, this theoretical mole, could have arranged that. But the safest way to get a plant inside would be to have the mole do the dirty work. And Valerie doesn't know that someone would have risked sending a plant in if they couldn't do it the safest way possible.
It could have been a coincidence. But Valerie's pretty sure it wasn't.
She'd heard some of the militia talk about it—God knows that Dalton will tell her anything if she bats her eyelashes at him—and everyone seems sorry for Jackie. Even people who were suspicious of her before have eased up in the wake of her injury. They all seem to be under the impression that if the mole had brought in the werewolf, they wouldn't have been hurt, at least not seriously.
But Valerie knows her sister. She knows how deeply Jackie's streak of ruthless practicality runs. And she's one hundred percent sure that Jackie would rather be severely injured by a werewolf than risk exposure. When Jackie sets her sights on something, she does whatever it takes to reach her goal.
So the question is what is her goal? And that's where Valerie's train of logic stops, because she can't quite figure that out.
Jackie loves their father, she's sure of that much. But she hates Mitchell, and both Helen and Leo seem to have gone out of their way to make her feel unwanted since the day Nick took her in. She has no reason to be loyal to the family or the militia. But then again, she has no reason to help the townspeople, either. And she certainly has no reason to help the werewolves.
Jackie wouldn't have been so nervous about her smuggling being discovered if it weren't for the fact that Mitchell would have inevitably connected that to the other things Jackie was doing under the table. Giving out the patrol schedule, warning people about the raids. But why? No matter how Valerie looks at it, it doesn't make sense.
The conversation with her father had made her realize that the reason it didn't make sense was because she was looking at it through the wrong lens. She could fully comprehend that Jackie helped innocent townspeople because it was the right thing to do. But up until her father had talked to her about Ryan, she hadn't thought of the werewolves or other supernatural creatures as more innocent townspeople. But what if they were? Or more relevantly, what if Jackie saw them that way? What if Jackie helped the werewolves simply because she felt someone should do it?
A part of her is furious with her sister for keeping secrets from her. But at the same time, she can fully understand why she had done it. She couldn't take the risk. If Valerie reacted badly—if she ran and told Leo or Mitchell—Jackie would have been killed. Even if she had accidentally given her away, the result would have been the same.
It went back to that hidden streak of ruthlessness. Her sister would lie, cheat, steal, hurt anybody she had to, if she felt it was necessary. If she felt it was for a good reason.
Valerie can't hate her. But she doesn't know how to help her, either.
Jackie has been mopey and depressed ever since the incident with the Callaghan pack, and Valerie doesn't think it's because she was injured. She's pretty sure that Jackie's upset because she had to stop helping the werewolves. Because she had to stop helping her friends.
Now that she thinks about it, she's never really seen Jackie associate with anyone in the militia. She doesn't have any friends there. The closest thing she has to one is Dalton, who only spends time with her in an effort to get close to Valerie.
So Jackie is lonely. She misses her friends. Knowing Jackie, she's cut herself off because she feels like she can't take the risk anymore. Because she's too clos
e to being caught.
Well, Valerie isn't going to stand for that. Her sister might be practical, but she can be practical too.
She spends the afternoon visiting families she knows on the compound. What would werewolves need? She tries to think about it logically. They need to stay warm, just like everybody else. It's still cold at night. And it's dark, of course. So she steals fire starters, bottles of kerosene, lantern wicks. It's easy. Nobody suspects her. She just waits until nobody's looking before tucking them into her bag.
Werewolves need to eat. They need more protein than humans; she read that somewhere. So she steals bars of cheese, cans of tuna. She steals a couple things from each house that she visits. Canned goods are the easiest. She just grabs a couple cans out of the pantry. Do they need birth control, like humans do? She nabs a box of condoms. They probably need the water purifying tablets, so she takes some of those as well.
By the time dinner rolls around, the militia members are starting to come home, and she has to stop, she's got two backpacks full of supplies. Nobody will miss it. She was careful and spread it around, so if anyone realizes something's gone, they'll just assume they used it and don't remember. She hides the backpacks underneath her bed and goes to help her mother make dinner.
Jackie has evening patrol, so she doesn't get home until after sunset. Valerie waits until after her parents have gone to bed, then lugs the two backpacks into her sister's room. She's lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling and obviously not trying to sleep. But she looks up when Valerie comes in and frowns. "What's all this?"
"Supplies," Valerie says, hefting one of the bags with a grunt. "I know you can't get them right now so I took the liberty. Don't worry; I was careful. I took from people's houses, not the supply warehouse." She sees that Jackie is staring at her with her jaw ajar. "I know I can't go with you because it isn't safe right now. But you seemed—upset. Lonely. So I thought this might help."
"It's not just the supplies," she says. "I mean…"
"It's the patrol schedule," Valerie says, and Jackie's head snaps up. "And the raids. I know. I know you're the mole, Jackie. Nothing else makes sense."
Jackie looks away at this, chewing on her lower lip. "Yeah."
"I won't tell anybody," Valerie says, "if you'll do something for me." She looks her sister right in the eye. "I want you to help me find Dominic."
"That's easy enough," she says. "I already know where he is." She pats the edge of the bed, and Valerie sits down next to her. "He's okay, Valerie. A little rough around the edges, like all of them are, but he's okay. He's in a place with people who take care of him."
Valerie swallows hard. A few tears spill over and she wipes them away impatiently. "Does he hate me?"
"Well, I haven't asked him," Jackie says, unwilling to speak for Dominic without getting his opinion first, "but I'd be pretty surprised if the answer was yes." She leans against her sister's shoulder. "I appreciate the supplies, but…you can't steal from other families long term. You'll get caught. And besides, that's not really the reason I went to see them. It's really the patrol schedule that they need. If I can't bring them that, there's no point in going."
"But don't you want to see them?" Valerie asks. "They're your friends, aren't they?"
"Of course I do. That's not the point."
Valerie frowns. "But…if they're your friends, won't they miss you too? Didn't they like seeing you? It doesn't sound like they were just using you."
Jackie shrugs. "I guess. Maybe."
"I think you should go see them," Valerie says. "Bring them the stuff I got today, but let them know there won't be much after this. And just go hang out with them."
Jackie swallows hard and studies the wall. "What if they don't want me there?"
"Then they don't deserve you." Valerie leans over and kisses her on the cheek. "But I don't think that's what they're going to say."
After a moment, Jackie nods. "Yeah. Yeah, maybe. I guess I might as well take them this stuff. No point in it going to waste, and it's not like you can put it back."
She stands up, and Valerie stands up with her. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Sure," she says.
"What…what's your long-term plan? And don't tell me that you don't have one. Because I know you better than that, and you're smart enough to know that what you're doing isn't sustainable over the long-term. Which means that you've had some goal, probably from the very beginning, before you even started smuggling stuff out."
Jackie looks away and rubs a hand over the back of her head. "I don't think I should tell you, Val. It isn't…safe. For you to know."
"You know what, I'm sick of being in the dark because people want to keep me safe," she replies. "That's what Dad has done my entire life."
"Not exactly," Jackie says. "Dad lied to you—to both of us—about a lot of different things. I'm not lying. I'm just…not answering, either." She huffs out a sigh. "Let me think about it, okay? I think you deserve to know. But…I don't want Mitchell to figure out you know and try to hurt you to get the answer."
Valerie opens her mouth to automatically protest that Mitchell wouldn't do that, not to her. But then she realizes that she doesn't really believe that, not anymore. She swallows hard and says, "Okay."
"I probably won't be too long," Jackie says, "but don't wait up, okay? I'll see you in the morning."
*~*~*
By the time Jackie has gotten to the abandoned motel where the Callaghan pack has been staying, she's lost all confidence that they're going to want to have anything to do with her. For a minute, Valerie's sisterly love had made her forget that she's just a tool these people use to stay alive. A tool they're fond of, maybe, but not one that they're going to take risks for. Maya had already proven that.
Still, Jackie thinks, she had kind of put Maya on the spot last time. It's possible that she's changed her mind. Maya is like that sometimes. And her reentry will certainly be smoothed over by a backpack full of fruit and cheese. That would cheer up any semi-starving werewolf.
So she climbs over the broken glass that used to be a lobby window and heads down the darkened hallway. She can hear noise coming from one of the rooms, low voices, and she's sure they've seen her coming. Nobody will be brushing off the watch schedule after what happened to Siobhan and Marcus. The majority of the pack is gathered in a large room, what used to be two separate rooms before a wall gave way, curled together for warmth. There's no good place to light a fire, and the place is chilly. There's a hole in the ceiling too, and debris on the floor from where it collapsed. Jackie finds herself hoping the place is structurally sound, although she doubts they intend to stay long. A few of them are on their feet, probably the ones who were on watch.
"Hey, uh, hey guys," she says. They're obviously surprised to see her, and the awkwardness she's feeling intensifies. "I brought, um, a few things. Couldn't get a lot. I mean, I can't take supplies directly from the warehouse anymore. This is just some odds and ends I managed to pick up." She's not going to tackle the issue of her sister knowing about what's been going on, not tonight at least. Her throat is dry from nervousness, which isn't helped by the fact that Maya untangles herself from the pile and stands up, studying her with an unreadable expression. "There's some food in there and, and stuff. I probably won't be able to do it again. I just thought I'd…I know I said that I couldn't really help anymore, and that's true. I mean, Mitchell is going to figure out what I'm doing, so I can't…warn you about raids or patrols or anything anymore. But is it okay if I still come…see you guys sometimes? Just to hang out?"
"Sure!" Jared says, with his sunshine grin, hooking an arm around Jackie's shoulders. "You're welcome here any time. We're always glad to see you."
"It could…put you in danger, I mean, if I'm seen…" Jackie trails off miserably. What the hell is she doing here? What was she thinking? Maya is still just staring at her with that dark, brooding expression on her face. "So it's up to you, Maya. If you don't want me here, I'd understa—"
Maya pulls away a moment later, and Jackie half-expects her to apologize or storm off or do something else particularly Maya-esque, but she just looks at Jackie with those beautiful, amazing amber-gold eyes, stares straight into Jackie's soul, and then says, "I want you here."
Jackie grabs Maya around the shoulders and twines a hand into Maya's hair and goes in for another kiss. It's just as awkward and inexperienced as the first, and she feels like they're going to have to practice this a lot. She opens her mouth under the pressure of Maya's lips and feels Maya's tongue in her mouth and tugs on her hair.
"Ohhhh-kay, so, we're gonna go," Gabby says, trying not to laugh. "You two, uh, get all this out of your system. We'll be in another room. Somewhere. You know. Somewhere not here."
"Go," Maya growls, and she's got her hands under Jackie's thighs and has hiked her up against the wall and Jackie is making frantic little whimpering noises that she thinks she's going to be embarrassed about later. Maya kisses her again, and she grabs at Maya's shirt, getting it stripped over her head. The pack's footsteps are retreating and honestly she doesn't even care.
Maya pulls back a little and starts mouthing wetly at Jackie's throat. Jackie tosses her head back and moans louder than she meant to. "Do you—want me to slow down?" Maya asks. "I know you haven't—"
"Oh my God, are you kidding me," Jackie says, and bites Maya's ear. Maya makes an adorable little high-pitched noise. "I've been wanting to do this for months and I'm dying."
"Yeah, okay—" Maya says with true eloquence. "Do you want me to—"
"Whatever you want, I have no idea what I'm doing—" Jackie starts and then bites out a curse because Maya's undoing the button of her pants and Maya's hand is in her pants and it's extremely possible that she's died and gone to Heaven.
The More Things Change Page 18