Maya spends what seems like hours tracing her fingers and tongue along Jackie's chest and stomach while Jackie rambles encouragement and tugs on Maya's hair. She almost can't take the way Maya looks at her, like she's something to be treasured and protected. It's even better than the feeling of Maya's hands on her, even though it hurts a little, in some place deep down inside she's tried to pretend doesn't exist.
It's quiet for a long time afterwards, except for the faint patter of the rain on the roof and the low murmur of voices in the rooms next door. Jackie lays with her eyes closed, feeling Maya's breath against her throat. She'd be content to spend the rest of her life in this moment.
"Don't go back there," Maya finally says, and Jackie opens her eyes to see Maya studying her in the dim light. "Stay with us. With me. Even if we can't get out of Cold Creek, I want you here. I want you to stay."
Jackie sits up and draws her knees to her chest. "I can't," she says, looking away.
"Can't or won't?" Maya asks.
"A little bit of both, I guess." Jackie chews on her lower lip. "I won't leave the militia. Not until I get my shot at Mitchell. I've come close a couple times, but he—he doesn't trust me. I don't think he realizes what I'm doing—he would have killed me by now if he did—but he knows not to let me too close."
Maya frowns, and she sits up too. She busies herself getting a blanket to wrap around each of them, now that the heat generated by their exertions has worn off. "What do you mean?"
Jackie looks over, a little surprised. Then she looks away. "I guess for some reason I thought you would know because Ryan does. But I guess there's no reason he would have told you."
"Told me what?"
"That Mitchell killed my parents."
Maya stares at her with her jaw ajar for a few moments. It's not like it surprises her that the Donovans are killers, or that Mitchell would frame werewolves for something he himself had done. Somehow, what surprises her is Jackie's matter-of-fact tone, when she can smell the pain and the sorrow rolling off her in waves. She searches for the right question. "How long have you known?"
"Since I met him when I was twelve." Jackie lets out a breath. "I remember everything about that day, you know. It's just crystal clear in my memory. My mom was folding laundry upstairs. I kept messing up things she had folded, so she sent me down to annoy my dad. We were playing hide and go seek. I had just hidden. Behind the sofa. You know, he probably would have found me in two seconds, but he would have pretended not to.
"But then the doorbell rang. And my dad called out 'you just stay where you are, Lashontae, I'm going to find you!' and he went to answer it. I don't remember all of what they talked about. I remember that the guy talked about werewolves a lot, and my dad was upset. He didn't get loud about it, but he was just—it was obvious even to me that he thought that the guy was an asshole. There was something about a werewolf that had been killed, and not arresting the guy who did it, but my dad refused. And then Mitchell said…" Jackie's voice wavers, trails off, but then comes back strong. "He said 'it's a shame it has to be this way,' and then I heard two gunshots and a thud. Then I heard my mom screaming my dad's name. Another gunshot." Jackie's voice has become clipped, short, unemotional. "My mom said…I had nightmares about this for years…she said 'Please don't. I have a little girl.'" Jackie makes a gun with her fingers and pulls the imaginary trigger. "Bang."
"Jesus," Maya says, shuddering.
"I stayed where I was. I was too scared to move. I didn't know exactly what had happened but I knew in my gut it was bad, right? I heard the guy talking on the phone. 'I cleaned up your mess, come clean up mine,' he said. I just waited. Finally the door opened and shut. I waited a while longer. It seems like a long time, although it probably felt like a lot longer than it was. Then I came out. I found their bodies, but couldn't…couldn't process it, you know? I lay down with them for a bit. Like it was a new game. That's how my clothes got all bloody. Then I started trying to get them to get up, and I was still doing that when Leo showed up."
"Jesus," Maya says again. "Jackie, I'm so sorry."
Jackie nods a little. "He took me out of there. I don't know who snapped the photo. One of the neighbors, I think. He must have gone back later to make it look like werewolves had been there."
"I don't get why nobody called the cops," Maya says.
"Me neither. But I think Mitchell handled it somehow. He had friends in high places. I'm guessing that a lot of what they did was less 'make it look like a werewolf attack' and more 'bribe everyone to bury evidence that said otherwise.'" Jackie takes a deep breath and lets it out, a slow shudder. "Leo took me to the station, and when Nick came to pick him up, he took me home. And I don't want you to get the wrong impression—Nick is my dad. He was always good to me, always took care of me, even though I was fucked up beyond belief. I remember that he used to hold me and walk around the house rocking me for hours on end after my nightmares, and there were a lot of nightmares. I don't think he has any idea who actually killed my parents. I think of Nick as my father, and I love him. And Valerie is my sister. Everyone else in that family can go to hell."
She's quiet for a minute. Maya lets her have her silence, gather her thoughts.
"After Leo killed Sam Callaghan," Jackie finally says, "Mitchell came back to town. I'm not sure if those two things were related or not. But I met him for the first time and that voice—I would have known it anywhere. I was nine years old again, hiding behind that sofa, listening to him kill my parents. And I flipped my shit. I was old enough to know that if I said anything, if I gave away that I knew, I would probably end up another werewolf 'victim.' But I couldn't handle it. I ran away from home, I acted out, I got in so much trouble. I beat up the other kids, broke things that the militia had built. I was one pissed off little tween. And then I met you guys. And you helped me. You made me realize that I could use the militia. Not just to help you—but to bring down Mitchell. And every day since then, that's what I've been trying to do."
Maya pulls her into an embrace, cradles her close, strokes her back. "Okay," she says quietly. "Okay."
Jackie leans against her. "I still dream about them. It's little things - like the smell of my dad's aftershave and the feeling of his cheek against mine. The way my mother said my name. I can't—I can't let it go. I know that killing Mitchell won't bring them back. I know, but…"
"It makes sense to me." Maya searches for the words to describe it. "I mean, that's what revenge is. You want Mitchell to hurt as much as you have. You're not just seeking revenge for your parents. You're seeking revenge for you. Because what Mitchell did left so many scars on your soul. You mourn the loss of the life you could have had with them, even though you don't really know anything about what that life would have been. You're an adult now, really, and you're getting revenge for the nine year old that you were, for the child whose life he destroyed."
Jackie nods, expression pensive. "Yeah," she says. "I guess maybe that's it."
Maya rubs her hand over Jackie's back. "I understand why you're doing it," she says. "I would do the same thing if I were you. So it's not that I don't want you here. I do. But I understand why you can't be with us, not yet. That's okay. I'm okay with it."
"Thanks." Jackie swallows hard and nestles into her embrace. Maya's words have made her think about it in a new way. She's getting revenge for herself, for what she had lost. Somehow it changes everything. She could never have the life she would have had with her real parents. But at the same time, she feels like they wouldn't want this for her. They wouldn't want her to keep hurting herself to avenge their deaths.
Maya keeps holding her for another minute. "You said Ryan knows?"
"Huh? Oh…" Jackie shakes off the thoughts. She'll have to examine them more later. "Yeah. He said something to me once, when I brought the patrol schedule by and nobody else was here. He said…I don't remember exactly. He wanted to know if I could be trusted. And I told him I could be. He asked if it was because of what happened to my pare
nts, and I said yes. After that, he never said anything about me being here. If he hadn't known what actually happened to them, it wouldn't make any sense that I wanted to help you because of it, so…"
"Yeah." Maya nods. "Ryan's always played it pretty close to the vest. I just wonder why he never said anything."
"For the same reason I didn't." Jackie shakes his head. "What difference would it make?"
"But back then, after it happened—"
"It still wouldn't have mattered. Mitchell had everyone important bribed. He was controlling the narrative. The media was crucifying the alphas in the region for 'letting it happen.' Any attempt to shift blame onto a human—a veteran, a father, a good ol' boy—would have just looked like they were trying to get revenge by throwing a human under the bus. He was an anti-werewolf activist. It would have looked like they were trying to create scandal where there was none." Jackie shifts slightly. "I still think Ryan might have said something…if it hadn't been for Nick. He knew that Nick wouldn't have believed it. And that Nick never would have forgiven him for the accusation. If it would have made a difference, maybe he would have risked Nick's wrath. But the two things together? Forget it." Jackie gives a shrug and says, "Ryan didn't say anything for the same reason that Ryan ever does anything - it wouldn't have benefited him at all."
"Fair." Maya gives a quiet snort. "You have my brother pegged."
"He's a lot like me, in some ways."
"God forbid."
"I have the good parts."
Maya gives another snort. "Oh, that's okay then." She lets Jackie go, kisses her on the forehead. "You'll let me know if there's anything I can do to help?"
"Yeah," Jackie says.
"Good."
Chapter Thirteen
Valerie looks up as Jackie comes into her bedroom the next night, but when she opens her mouth to greet her, she holds a finger over her lips. Then she tosses Valerie a dark bundle. She unfolds it to find a set of fatigues, the same kind she had worn last time Jackie had taken her out. She arches her eyebrows at her sister. Jackie arches hers right back. Valerie changes clothes.
The spring night is cool, and she's glad for the heavy jacket that comes with the outfit. She waits until Jackie speaks, not knowing when it'll be safe, and that's not until they're over the fences and on Cold Creek's darkened streets. "So," Jackie says, "I thought you might like to see your boyfriend."
Valerie feels like she's been punched in the gut. "Now?"
"Mm hm."
It takes Valerie a minute to blink back the tears. "Thanks."
"No problem. You, uh, you helped me out a lot, you know." Jackie's looks away, embarrassed. "Convincing me to go back there. It was the right thing to do. I don't care if Mitchell catches me anymore."
"That seems like a poor life choice."
Jackie laughs. "Yeah, probably. But you wanted to know what my plan was, and I decided I'd tell you. My plan was to kill Mitchell."
Valerie sucks in a breath. She can't help but think of the grandfather she's always known, who's given her treats on her birthday and pulled her pigtails when she was little. But the older and wiser she gets, the more she understands that that's not Mitchell. That's just a little façade he puts on to keep people from seeing the cold, unforgiving iron underneath. She understands now how much Mitchell has hurt her father and how much he's hurt Jackie. "Do you—think that will help?"
"I don't know, to be honest," Jackie says, "but it was never about that. You know how my parents died?"
Valerie nods. "Yeah."
"It's not true. Mitchell killed them. Then he blamed it on werewolves and started a war."
"Oh my God." Valerie has to swallow hard and wrestle it into place. It takes less effort than it should. She can easily picture her grandfather as a cold blooded killer. Too easily. "Why?"
"I've never known, to be honest. He and my dad got in an argument. My guess is that it had something to do with Mitchell wanting license to hunt down and murder werewolves, and my dad thinking that it wasn't right. Anyway," Jackie says, waving this aside because she clearly doesn't want to talk about it, "that's been my plan for a long time. That I would join the militia and get close to him. Except it hasn't worked out. Either because Mitchell's afraid that Dad has poisoned me with his pro-werewolf sentiments, or because Mitchell is afraid that I know what he did. I've never gotten close to him."
"Maybe I can," Valerie offers.
Jackie immediately shakes her head. "I'm not going to ask you to become a killer for me, Val."
Valerie is quiet for a minute. "Would your parents want you to become one for them?"
Jackie heaves a sigh. "No. Which is part of what I was thinking about all day. After talking about it with Maya. Because they wouldn't. My dad—he would want justice. I know enough about him to know that much. But we can't put Mitchell on trial, you know? And even if I could expose what he did…"
"We've gone too far," Valerie says, nodding.
"Yeah. So much bad shit has happened since the war started. Sure, maybe eighty years from now, the government will apologize to the werewolves for instituting a campaign to wipe them out. But it won't help anything now. And in the short term, what are we going to do with Mitchell? It's not like there's a judge in Cold Creek anymore. Not besides him."
"Judge, jury, and executioner," Valerie says, with a sigh. "So what are you thinking?"
"Honestly? 'The best revenge is living well,'" Jackie says. "I just feel like that's what my parents would want for me."
Valerie nods. "That makes sense. But I don't know if it can be accomplished in Cold Creek."
"Me neither." Jackie shakes her head. "I have a thought or two on that, but it can wait until I'm explaining it to the others." She points to the ruins of a building down the road. "You ready?"
Valerie takes a deep breath. "Ready."
*~*~*
Maya is practically climbing the walls as the sun sets, waiting for Jackie to return. She's aware that most of the pack finds it pretty funny. She doesn't really care. She just wants to see Jackie again, hates knowing that she's in a place filled with danger. She wants to wrap herself around Jackie and never let her go. Wants to bury her face in the crook of Jackie's shoulder and get her scent…
These are things she probably should not be thinking about in public. But it's okay. The pack is in good spirits, helped both by Maya's attitude and the supplies that Jackie had brought them the previous day. It's not the usual things—"it's a long story" had been Jackie's reply to a query about that—and a fair portion of it is perishable, so they ate well and now they're rolling around feeling good about everything.
There's a low whistle from the roof, and then Ryan climbs into the room through the window and smirks at Maya. "Your girlfriend is here," he says, but then the smirk fades. "And she's not alone."
Frowning, Maya peeks through the window on the front of the motel to see Jackie approaching. She's dressed in her fatigues but empty-handed, and there's a girl walking next to her that Maya doesn't recognize. A minute later, Jackie pokes her head in from the hallway. "Hey. Okay if I bring my sister in?"
Maya narrows her eyes, but then nods. "Okay with me, if it's okay with you."
Jackie opens the door the rest of the way and lets Valerie into the room. Maya can tell she's nervous from her scent and her elevated heart rate. "Maya, this is my sister, Valerie. Valerie, Maya Callaghan."
"Hi," Valerie says, her voice a little high-pitched.
Maya resents her presence, primarily because it's preoccupying Jackie and she hasn't been able to give her a kiss hello. So she looks at Jackie and says, "What's she doing here?"
"Meeting werewolves for the first time," Jackie says. "Don't frown so much. You'll scare her."
Valerie punches Jackie in the arm. "I'm not scared, bitch."
Jackie grins at her. She looks genuinely happy, and that soothes Maya's temper a bit. She takes Maya by the elbow and leads her into the double room they've been sharing, where the others are sitting around
the fire they've made, sorting out the day's spoils. "Hey, guys, this is—"
"Valerie?" Dominic spots them immediately and is on his feet.
"Dominic!" Valerie throws herself at the blonde boy, surprising everybody, particularly Maya. She blinks between Jackie and Dominic as Valerie clings to him. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so glad that you're okay—"
"Hey, hey," Dominic says, hugging her tightly. "You don't have to be sorry. I know. I know."
Maya raises her eyebrows at Jackie. She gives a little shrug. "Childhood sweethearts. Lost touch when Dominic had to go on the run. Lately, Valerie's been coming to the realization that everything her family says is bullshit. Better late than never, huh?"
"Uh huh." Maya looks at Dominic again. Then she looks back at Jackie. No one will miss them for a minute. She moves in for a kiss, one that Jackie returns with interest. Maya gets a little lost in it, in the feeling of Jackie's hands in her hair and Jackie's mouth under hers, and only looks up when she hears a couple of the girls giggling. Dominic is still hugging Valerie, but there's a brilliant grin on his face.
"Valerie is actually the one who got the supplies I brought yesterday," Jackie says. "I'm turning her into quite the little klepto."
Dominic leans in and gives Valerie another squeeze, and the other pack members thank her, some politely and some with enthusiasm. Maya sits down and pulls Jackie into her lap. Jackie makes a happy little noise and nestles closer.
"So you guys…you all live together?" Valerie asks.
Dominic nods. "They took me in after I had to run away. We stick together as much as we can, although we split up occasionally to be safe."
Valerie looks at Jackie. "When did you start bringing them stuff?"
"Almost a year ago now," Jackie says, and leans up to give Maya a quick kiss. "Maya's the one who rescued me, that time I ran away. Once I got trained up in the militia, I started helping them avoid the patrols, bringing them food and supplies when I could. I had to stop, though. Mitchell's going to figure it out pretty soon, and I…I don't think I can keep them safe for much longer."
The More Things Change Page 19