Highest Bidder

by Le Carre, Georgia

  “Are you alright, love?” a kindly woman asked.

  “Yes, yes, thank you,” I said and moved on quickly.

  I found the toilet and after washing my mouth, I exited Hyde park station. I walked along the park, seeing nothing until I got to High Street Kensington. I walked into a pharmacy and bought a pregnancy kit.

  Then I boarded the next bus, found a seat at the back, and shut my eyes as I rode home. My mother was at work, just as I had expected so I went immediately to bed, and slept until the evening.

  When I awoke that night, I retrieved the plastic bag and headed into the bathroom. My stomach and nerves were in knots that felt as though they could never be untied. I gazed at my phone on the floor before me, feeling more alone than I had ever felt before. The only person I could call would be Maddie. She would scold me, for sure, but she would be my rock.

  To my surprise, I heard my mom arrive with the sound of her throwing her keys on the coffee table and her footsteps heading over to the kitchen.

  Immediately, I jumped to my feet, grabbed the plastic bag containing the test and buried it deep in my wardrobe. I went out to join her and tried my best to completely put it all out of my mind.

  From the time I began my period at thirteen, it had never been regular. The nausea and fainting were just a by-product of bad eating and the complication that was Brent Lucan. Nothing more.

  I wasn’t pregnant.

  Of course I wasn’t. I took the morning after pill after that one time we did it without a condom and after that, I went on the pill. So … of course, I wasn’t.

  Freya

  Later, I went back to my bathroom and took the test. I didn’t know what to do. I found myself walking down the road to the bus stop. I sat down, took out the test, and stared at the blue line.

  I was carrying Brent’s baby.

  The bus that I usually took to the office came and went. I looked at the people sitting inside it. They seemed peaceful. I put the stick back into my purse and started to walk blindly.

  What was I going to do?

  Obviously, I would keep it. Whether Brent wanted it or not, I was keeping it. I was so deep in my own world I jumped when my phone rang. The noise jarred me to my very soul and I quickly fished it out and clicked accept to stop the sound. “Hello.”

  “I see you got bad news,” Judi Mirren said, and I was so startled I nearly dropped my phone. For a second, I was totally confused. How could she know? Then I looked around me.

  “Or is it good news?” she asked.

  “What the hell? Do you have someone spying on me?” I demanded.

  “Of course,” she confirmed sweetly.

  I was so furious I couldn’t speak.

  “I can see you’re still in shock,” she said. “So, I’ll just say what’s needed. Get rid of the child. Brent will have absolutely nothing to do with it and neither will your mother, I imagine. It’s going to be an impossible pill to swallow when she finds out that her daughter has been fucking the man who killed her husband and ruined her family, wouldn’t it?”

  My teeth were clenched and my hands were trembling with fury. I didn’t have to hear this. I was about to end the call when her next words stopped me cold.

  “You poor thing. It must be awful to be stuck in such situation,” she crowed. “By the way, you do know he fucked me, don’t you?”

  “What?” the word was torn out of me.

  “I told you Brent Lucan wasn’t an ordinary man. He wanted you and you rejected him. What did you think would happen? Did you expect that he would give up on something he wanted? You’re a child if you think that. His ability to read through people is uncanny. Do you really think I closed your mother’s boutique on my own? These were his words concerning you, ‘Family is worth more to her than anything else. Close down her mother’s store, and she’ll come running to me.’”

  I retched, feeling all over again as though this time I might actually spew my insides to death.

  She went on, “You heard the news about his brother Liam, didn’t you? It’s no coincidence, and I’m sure you are aware of that. Erase him out of your life and move on.”

  “And you?” I asked. “Are you so threatened by me that you have to monitor me so closely?”

  “I’m not threatened,” she retorted. “I’m impatient. I want my lover and business partner back. The only way to hold onto such a man is to allow him to go after whatever cheap trinkets claim his fancy. Quickly wrap up this joke of an affair you have with him and send him back to me.”

  Then the phone went dead on me.

  Freya

  I kept my little secret to myself all day.

  Now it was late evening and I was in front of the stove, two sausages sizzling in olive oil, and two slices of bread toasting nearby. It had been incredibly hard and discouraging to work up an appetite for anything, as the faintest of smells triggered the most infuriating bouts of nausea.

  The excuse I had given my mother as to why I was suddenly home was that I was suffering from exhaustion and I needed a rest because I had a big presentation coming up at work.

  She had accepted the excuse without qualms.

  She was the last person who could know about my condition. At the same time, I realized she was the one that it would be most difficult to hide it from. The toast dinged its completion so I headed over to retrieve the browned slices. Just then however, the doorbell rang. Eyeing my sausage and judging it a few minutes away from done, I hurried from the kitchen to the door. I pulled it open …

  Brent Lucan was standing before me.

  I reacted without thinking.

  I slammed the door so forcefully shut that when he shot out his hand to block it, he winced with pain. It only took a moment for him to recover before he applied his strength behind it and with one shove I was displaced. He stepped into the apartment, his annoyed gaze on me as I retreated. “What was that?”

  I quickly tied the thick robe across my body to hide the worn flannel shorts and white t-shirt I had on underneath. He was dressed in a superb dark suit and cashmere coat. “What are you doing here? You can’t be here.”

  With a silence that made it hard for me to breathe, he regarded me, his gaze hooded and distant. “Why did you not answer my calls? Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” I said quickly. “Please leave. You really can’t be here. My mother will return at any time.”

  My urgency however didn’t seem to hasten him. He slipped his hand into his pocket and stared into my eyes.

  I glared back in response, refusing to be intimidated, but it was near impossible not to.

  “Something’s burning,” he said.

  I jumped. In an instant, I was scurrying back to the kitchen to lift my pan off the stove. My sausages now burnt black and doused in smoke. I dropped it into the sink, and covered my mouth to keep from inhaling the smoke but it was close to impossible. I don’t know why, maybe because my hormones were all over the place, but seeing the burnt sausages made me want to burst into tears.

  Tears stung my eyes. “Can you please leave?” I choked out.

  “You can’t keep doing this,” he said gently. “You can’t keep running away every time we have even the slightest argument.

  I wiped my face and straightened my back, my gaze on the sink full of dishes and my burnt breakfast. “I didn’t run away,” I replied. “I had to leave.”

  “And when are you coming back?”

  I didn’t respond.

  “I hate walking on eggshells around people,” he said. “When I’m with you, I don’t want to be careful. I don’t want to be mindful of every little thing that I do for the fear that it would offend you. So tell me, what triggered this bout of anger this time around?”

  I spun back around to face him. “Nothing,” I responded. “I just wanted to leave … and I don’t want to come back.”

  The frown on his face was so deeply etched into his forehead, he almost transformed into a different person right in front of me. “What does that
mean?”

  “I don’t want to do this anymore,” I said, my gaze somewhere just above his shoulder.

  The way he smiled, his gaze dropping to the ground as though I were kidding myself made me very afraid.

  I held my breath, waiting … for what he would say.

  Finally, he spoke, “Okay.” Then he turned around to leave.

  I was taken aback.

  As he disappeared from sight and headed towards the doorway, I stared in shock.

  It was over? Just like that? New tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cheeks once again and I couldn’t even be bothered to stop them. I wanted to go after him, to stop him. We couldn’t be over … I didn't know how to get over him, or if it was even possible. I looked down at my still incredibly flat stomach and wondered why I was so scared to ask … that we be more than we were now.

  Judi’s words came clearly to mind and I was reminded once more of why.

  Brent was lethal and ruthless. To the world, to himself, to those he loved and to those he hated. He lived by his own rules, with little regard to anyone or anything else and nothing could break that. It was hopeless.

  Suddenly, there was the sound of footsteps marching towards me, and I looked up surprised, wondering who had barged into the apartment.

  Brent appeared, the counter separating us.

  “Brent?” I whispered

  He stared at my soaked face and walked up to me. “Why are you crying, Freya?”

  I cleared my throat to find my voice. “Hormones,” I said to him. “Don’t mind me. Why did you come back? Please leave.”

  “Freya,” he called out my name.

  I took a deep breath as I knew I couldn’t take his presence anymore because I was a breath away from pleading with him to create a space for me in his heart, but at the same time, given the history with him and my father, I didn’t know if that was even a feasible or a righteous request.

  I turned back to him and for a moment, my vision blurred. I staggered backwards, gripping the edge of the counter behind me to stable myself. “For Pete’s sake, Brent, just fucking leave.”

  “Freya, what do you want? Is that what you really want?”

  I lifted my gaze to his at the question, but he knew just as well as I did that my mouth wouldn’t move. I could never ask him the things I wanted to. Did you ask Judi to take over my mother’s boutique? Did you sleep with her? Do you know I’m pregnant?

  “Are you doing this just to see how much you can torment me? How far you can go and I will still come back begging for more?” he asked, his voice low, but it was clear he was doing his utmost to control his temper.

  I blinked, my gaze expressionless.

  “Is it about the money? Do you want more?”

  I felt as though someone struck me in the head with a hammer, my eyes widening in such shock that he could still say this to me after all this time. I did not know what I grabbed and it was only after I had flung it towards him that I saw that it was the ceramic vase of wooden spoons.

  Brent dodged the incoming attack and we both watched as it crashed into the wall at the opposite end of the room and shattered into pieces.

  “You bastard!” I cursed. “Yeah, it’s the money. I want more. I want everything you have. Give me that and I’ll come back to you!” I was panting so hard with fury that I could barely speak. When he just continued to glare at me, I lost it and screamed at the top of my lungs. “Get out of my fucking home!”

  Brent Lucan took one last look at me, and stormed out of my sight, slamming the door behind him.

  I sunk to the floor, more dejected than I had ever felt before in my life. I fell asleep right there, and when my mom returned home that was the state she found me in. Ceramic shattered on the floor, spoons everywhere, a kitchen in complete disarray and her daughter semi coherent.

  I vaguely remembered pushing her gently away as she tried to help me to bed, and then I fell asleep. I awakened later, overwhelmed with grief. I covered my mouth with my hand as I fought not to choke from the rawness of the wounds inside me.

  My heart felt worse than it had when I had lost my father. As though yet another vital part of it had gone missing, and in its place was just nothing, and it would forever remain that way. I kept my voice as low as I could when I called Maddie. “Maddie,” I choked.

  She was asleep and it took a little while for her to perceive my state. “Freya,” she called, her tone alarmed.

  “He left,” was all I could say. “He left.”

  “I’ll be there in half-an-hour,” she said to me, and ended the call.

  Half-an-hour later she barged into my toilet and found me just sitting on the floor too shattered even to cry. There were tears in her eyes, but her lips tightened in fury, as she took me to bed. I managed to find sleep in her arms.

  Freya

  Ella, Maddie and I were rounding up at Nandos when my mother’s call came. It was authoritative and curt, and it alarmed me.

  “What’s wrong?” Maddie asked.

  “It was Mom,” I responded. “She said to come home right now, then she hung up on me.”

  Maddie’s eyes narrowed.

  “You guys stay and finish up. I’ll go and see what’s wrong.”

  “No, I’ll take you back. I’m done anyway,” Ella said.

  They dropped me off home and drove off reluctantly.

  When I got into the living room, I saw my mother seated on the sofa, staring into thin air. The moment she sensed my arrival, she got up and I saw that her eyes were reddened from crying.

  “What’s wrong, Mom?” I called as I hurried to her.

  When I reached her, she struck out her hand and slapped me across the face.

  I staggered a few steps backwards with the force of it. With my hand to my face, I stared at her in shock. She had never, ever hit me in my life. “Mom,” I breathed.

  “Are you pregnant with Brent Lucan’s child?”

  I collapsed onto the sofa then as she came to stand before me.

  “Tell me it’s not true,” she said. “Tell me it’s not true that you sold your virginity ... in an auction!” she screamed.

  I felt my heart break.

  “You stood on a stage, naked, for men to … to …” she couldn’t go on. She got on her knees and placed her hands on my knees. “Brent Lucan bought you,” she said. “You slept with him and that’s how you got the money. That’s how you got tangled up with him. I told you to stay away from him ... I told you what he did to your father. It’s okay if it happened once ... I am a useless parent, I couldn’t provide for us so you did what you thought was right for us. But you went back to him? How could you do this?” she wailed. “Freya!”

  “Who told you this?” I asked, finally lifting my head to stare into her haunted eyes.

  “What does it matter?” she said. “Just tell me it’s not true.”

  I knew without being told it was Judi Mirren. I rose to my feet and stepped away from her. “It is true," I responded.” All of it, and I’m sorry.”

  I started to walk away then but she threw a cushion at me. “How dare you walk away? Are you saying that right now you’re—you-you-are really pregnant?”

  I stopped in my tracks. “I am.”

  “And when were you going to tell me, or were you never going to tell me about it?”

  Silence.

  Her eyes widened. “You’re not thinking of keeping it?”

  I did not answer.

  “Let’s go! Right now,” she said.

  I turned to her. “Go where?”

  “To a clinic. We need to make an appointment to get rid of it. I’d rather you killed me than have a child by the man who killed your father.”

  “Why do you keep saying that?” I cried. “You told me yourself, that you weren’t sure.”

  “I don’t care what the details are. All I know is he was involved, and he gave your father nightmares.”

  “Why would Dad have had nightmares, if he were completely innocent?”


  She was stunned by my words. “What are you trying to say?”

  “All the fingers point to him. Why have we then always seen him as the sole victim? Maybe he was wrong … maybe—”

  “Shut up!” She screamed. “Shut your mouth. And so what if he was wrong? And so what if he is guilty? You are his daughter. He deserves your loyalty. Our loyalty. Brent Lucan drove him to his death. I will never be in any way associated with him, and neither will you. We’re going to get rid of that child as soon as possible. The boutique has started to do well now, so we will work out a payment scheme to pay him back every dime he gave you. Then we’re going to move past this. He will never be associated with us.”

  “I know that,” I exploded. “I don’t want him to be either.”

  “Then why do you still want to have his child? Are you in love with him? Are you hoping that you two will be together?”

  I hung my head.

  “That will never happen,” she scoffed in mockery. “He won’t even want to have anything to do with it. You were probably just a conquest to him … a sick game he couldn’t resist playing—and it makes me want to kill him.” Her head fell as she held her hand to her chest. “I am so sorry … I’m just so angry. So hurt for you.”

  I knew exactly the kind of pain that had gripped her. It was deep … emanating straight from a place in the heart that felt as though it could never be reached to be soothed. Just like a knife you wanted to pull out, but knew if you did, the wound would make you bleed to death.

  In that moment, I knew what my next step would be. “Mom, Brent is not going to be in my life, but I’m keeping my child …”

  She rose up and the look she gave me was terrifying. It felt as though I was looking at a stranger. “Do you know what a child is going to do to you? Especially at your age? There are no options here. You’re getting rid of it. Nothing of his will ever remain in our lives.”