Brothersong

by TJ Klune

  “He is. But what if it ended with us? Mom said once she wondered if our name was cursed, and that stuck with me. I don’t think she meant it. She was angry. She had every right to be, but I still can’t let it go. It rattles around in my head, and when I’m alone, when everything is quiet, I wonder what it would be like if, after Livingstone, we allowed someone else to take charge. To carry the weight of an entire world on their shoulders. To let them deal with all of it.”

  “We tried that already,” I said quietly. “Remember? Michelle. And look how that turned out.”

  He shook his head. “I know. But I don’t know if I want to be a king. And I don’t know if you want to be princes.”

  Kelly turned his head, his hair tickling my nose. “Do we even have a choice?”

  “Sometimes I don’t think we do,” Joe muttered. “But it doesn’t matter anyway. I know how things are. I know how they have to be. And I’ll do it because I have to.”

  “You have us,” I told him.

  “I know,” he said. “And I need that, Carter. The both of you. I know I’m not….”

  And even though I was scared, I said, “Say it.”

  He was blue. His voice was small and fragile when he said, “When you left. You… made that video for Kelly. You talked about how much you loved him and how much you needed him, and I was hurting because you were gone, but I was hurting because I kept thinking what about me? Didn’t you love me just as much?” He was trembling, and my eyes stung. “I know you did. I know you do now. And I know that you and Kelly have always been close, but I’m your brother too. I hated myself for it. I could see the look on your face, how lost you were. And yet… what about me?”

  Oh god. “Joe. Joe. That’s not—”

  He said, “I love you. The both of you, more than I could ever put into words. I’m your Alpha, like I’m the Alpha to almost every wolf. But sometimes I just want to be your little brother. To not have to worry about anything else. I want to love Ox without wondering if he’s going to be taken from me. I want to love Mom and show her everything we’ve done hasn’t been in vain. And I want to know that I matter to you. I know you’re each other’s tethers. I get that. I know how important a tether is. Is it everything, though? You two were here first. You have this bond that I can’t have. I just want you to see me. To know that I’m still here and not just as your Alpha.”

  “You do matter,” I told him, and my voice cracked right down the middle. “You do. Joe, I’m so sorry. I never thought—it wasn’t meant to be like that. I wasn’t thinking. I was lost in my head. Everything was falling apart. Gavin was… gone. And I didn’t do enough to stop him from leaving. I blamed myself for that. If only I could have been stronger. If only I could have been more.” I tugged on his hair. He shuddered. He shook. He quaked, and I said, “You’ve always been strong. I told myself it was because of what you were, of what Dad made you into. You weren’t like us, or so I thought. And that wasn’t right. You were put on this pedestal, and it wasn’t fair. Joe, I love you just as much as I love Kelly. I failed you if you ever doubted that, and that’s on me. You did nothing wrong.”

  Kelly said, “We’re in awe of you, Joe, and everything that you’ve done. If Ox is a unifier, it’s only because he has you. If we’ve survived as long as we have, it’s because you led us. We followed you into the dark when Richard Collins took from us. When Elijah came. When Caswell fell. We would follow you anywhere. No matter what you do, no matter if you’re our Alpha or not, we’re always going to be with you.”

  Joe sniffled, rubbing his face against my stomach. “I know. It’s just nice to hear it. It’s lonely being an Alpha. Dad never told me how lonely it could be. I wish he had. Even with Ox, it feels like I’m on an island and no one can get to me.” He laughed wetly. “Stupid, right?”

  “No,” I whispered. “It’s not stupid.”

  “I wish….” Joe stopped. He frowned. “It doesn’t matter.”

  “Don’t,” I told him. “Say it. Say it all.”

  He took a deep breath. “I wish Dad had never been an Alpha.”

  And there it was. Out in the open. A thought we’d all had at one point or another, spoken aloud and laid bare. It wasn’t fair, but then life never really is. But it was Joe who had the courage to speak his truth while the rest of us hadn’t dared.

  Kelly said, “Me too.”

  I said, “Me three.”

  They laughed.

  “But we can’t change that,” Joe said, and though he was still blue, there was green relief mixed in, as if he’d revealed a great secret. Finally. At last. “This is who we are. This is who we’re supposed to be.”

  We were quiet for a time, each of us lost in our own thoughts. I was cold, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t want to move. Moving meant breaking apart, pushing them away. I wanted to stay in this moment for as long as we could.

  It was Kelly who filled the quiet. He said, “Dad loved us.”

  “He did,” Joe said. “With his whole heart.”

  “I still get mad at him,” Kelly said. “For all the secrets he kept. But if Joe is right and it’s like being on an island, it makes sense. He must have been lonely. Even with all of us.” Then, “The letter.”

  “What letter?” I asked.

  “The one he wrote for Robbie without knowing who Robbie was.”

  “Oh,” I said. He’d told me about it before, but I hadn’t read it. It wasn’t for me.

  “Ox got one,” Joe said.

  “Did you read it?” Kelly asked.

  He shook his head. “No. Ox offered, but I wasn’t ready. It still hurt too much.” He turned over, his chin right below my rib cage. I lifted my head and looked into his blue eyes. “There’s one for Gavin.”

  “That’s not….” What. Right? True? Real? It was. Of course it was. No matter what happened between us, the letter was meant for him. There wouldn’t be anyone else. “Yeah. I guess there would be.”

  “It helped me to understand him better,” Kelly said. “What he was thinking, why he did some of the things he did. But you know what I got from it the most?”

  “What?” Joe asked.

  “That he loved us. Maybe more than anything in the world. He wasn’t perfect. Far from it. But he tried as hard as he could.” He sighed. “He reminds me of Carter that way.”

  I couldn’t speak.

  “Yeah,” Joe said. “He was like Carter, wasn’t he?”

  I closed my eyes.

  “We’ll get through this,” Joe said, and I heard a bird singing somewhere in the trees. “We’ll figure it out. We have to. Everyone is counting on us.” I heard him smiling when he said, “And Carter’s gotta get his act together. Make a man out of Gavin.”

  My eyes flashed open. “What?”

  Joe and Kelly cackled.

  “No. Seriously. What?” I sat up, shoving them off me. Kelly rolled on the ground, his hands pressed against his middle. Joe was shaking his head, lips pulled back over his teeth as he bellowed out his laughter. “Guys. Listen to me. What… what do I do with a penis? I mean, how does that work? Am I a power top? And what the hell is a power top and how do I know that?”

  “Oh my god,” Kelly groaned. “No. We are not having this conversation.”

  “Does getting fucked hurt?” I wondered aloud. “I’ve never thought about it. I’ve never even considered it. How do I do that? Lube, I guess. That makes sense. Can I borrow some lube?”

  Joe grimaced. “Dude. Not cool. You never touch another man’s lube. Get your own!”

  “I can’t. I’m the mayor! Everyone will know what I’m using it for!”

  “Jesus Christ,” Kelly said. “Let’s go back to being sad and talking about feelings and shit.”

  I grinned at them. “You would think for two guys who’ve chowed down on some cock, you’d be used to talking about it.”

  “Chowed down?” Kelly said incredulously. “Poor Gavin. Oh man. Someone needs to warn him that he’s in for a world of hurt.”

  “May
be he’ll like it. Maybe he’s a pain slut who—wow. That escalated quickly. I take that back.”

  Joe looked at me, his expression softening. “You don’t seem to be too hung up on that whole thing.”

  “What whole thing?” I asked, pinching Kelly’s side. He squawked angrily, batting my hand away.

  Joe shrugged. “That Gavin’s a guy. That your mate is… you know.”

  I sighed. “Your gayness is contagious.”

  He snorted. “That must be it. Seriously, though. It doesn’t bother you?”

  I squinted at him. “Why would it?”

  “You’ve only ever had sex with women.”

  “A lot of it too,” I said, puffing out my chest. They weren’t impressed. I deflated slightly. “Shit like that doesn’t matter to me. So I’m bisexual. Or I’m pansexual. Or some other kind of sexual.”

  “Gavin-sexual,” Kelly said.

  I rolled my eyes. “Who cares, right? I mean, it’s sort of fitting, you know? And even if there wasn’t this thing between us, I could….” I shook my head. “Even when he was stuck as a wolf, I felt it. I didn’t know what it was. In hindsight, I should have. I hated it at first, but I got used to it. Then he was gone. It hurt more than I ever thought something like that could. And all I could think about was getting to him. I need him to be my shadow because without him, I’m… I felt lost. He’s snarly. He’s surly. He’s a pain in my fucking ass. But there’s no one like him. Dad told me once that there could be others, that there wasn’t just one person. That we had a choice. I think I’ve made mine, though. If he’ll have me. Do you think he’ll have me? I’m not perfect. I make mistakes.” I shrugged awkwardly. “He sees through that, though. I exasperate him, I annoy him, and he scowls at me like he wants to punch my fucking teeth down my throat. And it all goes away when he says thump, thump, thump. Because he hears my heart and it anchors him. How can I say no to that? Who cares if he’s a man or a woman or somewhere in between? It doesn’t matter. All I care about is that he sees me. Like, really sees me. And I see him.”

  I looked at my brothers.

  They were gaping at me.

  “What?” I said, suddenly self-conscious. I rubbed the back of my neck as my face grew hot.

  “Holy shit,” Kelly breathed.

  “You love him,” Joe whispered.

  I glared at them. “I do not. Shut up.”

  “No,” Kelly said, voice growing louder. “You looooooove him.”

  “Kelly, I will kick your fucking ass!”

  Joe fluttered his eyelashes. “Ooh, Gavin. You made my cold, dead heterosexual heart burst with super gay life and now I can’t—oof!”

  I tackled him. Hard. He was laughing, laughing, laughing, and Kelly pulled on my shoulders, trying to get me off Joe, but I was bigger than they were, and even though Joe probably could have knocked me into next week, he only screamed at me when I shoved dead leaves on his face. Kelly’s knees dug into my sides as I lifted my hands above my head and howled as loud as I could, a song of triumph.

  Of brothers.

  It echoed throughout the territory.

  I collapsed to the ground as it faded. Kelly slid off me, lying on my left. Joe was on my right. I took their hands in mine, squeezing their fingers. Joe was panting, muttering death threats as he spat out bits of leaves. Kelly was chuckling and wiping his eyes.

  “Thank you,” I told them, and they quieted. “I never would have made it this far without you.”

  “Ditto,” Kelly said.

  “Ditto twice,” Joe said.

  And I smiled at the sky.

  MOM AND MARK WERE SITTING on the porch when we came back, our arms wrapped around each other’s waists. Mark smiled his secret smile, arching an eyebrow. “All right?” he asked.

  “All right,” Kelly said.

  We stopped in front of them. Mom’s eyes were bright as she looked upon us.

  I stepped forward, leaving Joe and Kelly standing where they were. I motioned for Mark to stand up. He did. I hugged him. He seemed surprised, but then his arms went around me. “What’s this for?” he asked, sounding amused.

  “A reminder,” I whispered. “I don’t know what it feels like to lose a brother. And I hope I never have to find out. But I can imagine it. It scares the shit out of me. He loved you, you know that, right? Even when he was breaking your heart, even when you hated him for all that he’d done, he loved you.”

  Mark clutched me tighter. He nodded against my head. “I know.”

  “We’re not him. We never can be. But we’re here. Remember that.”

  He said, “He would be proud of you. All of you.” He pulled away. His eyes were wet, but he was still smiling. “Thank you, Carter.”

  “My boys,” Mom said. “My beautiful boys.”

  We sat near her feet. I laid my head against her knee as Mark sat back down next to her. I tilted my head back to look up at my mother. She ran her fingers through my hair. She said, “You seem lighter. Happier.”

  I took in a deep breath and let it out slow. “I am.”

  “Good,” she said.

  And it was.

  THE OTHERS CAME OUT ONTO THE PORCH. Gordo grunted when he saw us. He sat down next to Mark and kissed him on the cheek.

  Jessie and Dominique were next, hands clasped between them. They dragged the chairs over from the corner of the porch and sat behind us.

  Bambi came, and we fussed over her and Joshua, bundled warmly in her arms. Gordo cooed over the baby, and we didn’t give him shit for it because we all did it too.

  And then Kelly said, “Look.”

  We turned to where he was pointing.

  Ox was walking down the dirt road toward us, and there was a burst of light in my chest, bigger than it’d been since I’d come home. It warmed me. It calmed me. It made me want to howl again and again.

  In my head, I heard his voice.

  He said, BrothersLoveSistersPackHome, i see you i see all of you you are mine and i am yours yours yours.

  It felt like the sun after a long, cloudy day.

  He stopped in front of us. He looked at each of us in turn, and I remembered when he was nothing but a boy, a brave, quiet, lonely boy who didn’t talk much because he thought he was going to get shit all his life. How much bigger he’d become. How much greater. His heart was a drumbeat in my head, steady and strong.

  He said, “Hello.”

  And Joe said, “Hello, Ox.”

  He smiled. “I’ve been on a walk into town. I’ve seen some of the most wonderful things. People helping each other. They waved at me. They stopped to wish me merry Christmas, to see what our plans for the holiday were. It was nice. I went to see my mother.”

  Blue, soft and muted.

  He said, “It’s been a long time since I’ve been to see her. I had much to tell her about us. About all we’ve done. And about what lies ahead. Do you think she heard me?”

  “Yeah, Ox,” I said. “I think she heard you.”

  He nodded. “I think so too. Those we love are never truly gone, even if it seems like they are.” He looked off into the trees toward the clearing. “Especially here, in this place. It’s like… a current. I feel it.” He turned back to us, looking at me and Kelly and Joe, and for a moment I thought he could see into our heads, could know what we’d talked about at the bridge. It wouldn’t surprise me if he could. A unifier, Joe had said. Making something out of nothing. That was Ox, all right. “I think we would do well to remember that. Even if we’re gone, part of us will always remain.”

  Joe stood then. He went to Ox. He cupped his face before leaning in to kiss him sweetly.

  “What was that for?” Ox asked, obviously pleased as Joe pulled away.

  “Just because,” Joe said.

  Ox smiled at him. “I like just because.”

  WE WERE STILL SITTING ON THE PORCH when they came back. Mom and Jessie had gone inside and come back out with mugs of tea for Gordo and Mark and Bambi, coffee for Dominique and Ox, and hot chocolate for Kelly, Joe, an
d me.

  Ox heard it first. The rumble of an engine in the distance. He raised his head and said, “They’re home.”

  My heart tripped all over itself.

  “It’s okay,” Kelly said quietly. He put a hand on my shoulder. “He’s okay.”

  I nodded tightly.

  I could barely make him out in the back seat, Tanner blocking my view. Rico pulled the truck up in front of the house before he turned it off. The engine ticked. He climbed out of the truck, a grin on his face. Which was good, because that meant no blood had been spilled. Unless it meant all the blood had been spilled. Rico could be bloodthirsty.

  He said, “Aw, you were all waiting for us.”

  Bambi snorted. “Keep telling yourself that.”

  He pressed a hand against his chest as he gasped. “You wound me. Joshua, don’t listen to your mother. She’s obviously suffering from—”

  “Do you really want to finish that?”

  He balked. “Uh. No?”

  She smiled sweetly. “Good answer.”

  “Woman, I will—”

  “He’s obviously pushing to sleep outside again,” Bambi said to Jessie. “Now that he’s a wolf, I don’t feel bad about it.”

  Jessie grinned. “And you shouldn’t.”

  Chris and Tanner were standing in front of Gavin. I could see the top of his head, but not much more. For a moment I was worried about what they were trying to hide.

  I shouldn’t have been.

  “Okay,” Rico said, going around the front of the truck. “Now, you should know that he only growled at one person, and it was the hairdresser. But I can’t blame him because she turned on the clippers without warning him. Thankfully I’d bought a squeaky toy for Joshua in the mall, and I squeezed it. Gavin was immediately distracted like a good boy.”

  Gavin snarled.

  Rico rolled his eyes. “I can say stuff like that now. I’m a werewolf too. It’s not racist.” He frowned. “Speciesist? One of those two. Anyway. Gavin has… interesting? Yes, interesting taste in what he wanted to wear, and while I’m not one to stifle how anyone wants to dress—”

  “That’s a lie,” Tanner said. “You stifle us all the time.”