Brothersong

by TJ Klune

  He stood in front of another door. A pair of glasses sat on the top of it. They looked like the ones he wore.

  “I’ll eat you up, I love you so,” a voice crooned from somewhere inside. “I’m not crying. I promise. We’re all right. West, Robbie. We’ll go west. Where the wolves run with humans and nothing can hurt us ever again.”

  He took a step toward it, but Kelly pulled him back.

  He blinked as if waking from a heavy sleep.

  He said, “Kelly, I….”

  “I know,” my brother said. He kissed Robbie sweetly. “It hurts. It makes us bleed. But we’re together.”

  The door closed.

  The glasses resting on the top disintegrated, the motes of dust caught in a soft breeze. They swirled up into the air and were gone.

  So many doors.

  So many voices.

  They called to us.

  They said, “Candy canes and pinecones. Epic and awesome.”

  They said, “I popped your coming-out cherry. That didn’t sound any better.”

  They said, “Choose me, Mark. Pick me. Love me.”

  They said, “Jessie, this is Dominique. She’s going to be staying with us for a while.”

  They said, “You got weird white-boy arms? My dad says that you must have weird white-boy arms. That’s why you wear sweatshirts all the time.”

  They said, “Hey, Tanner? Okay, stick with me here. This is going to sound ridiculous. But what if we…. I love you, you know? You’re my best friend. What if we did what the others have done? We could just… you know. Bite each other. Mates. You don’t have to say yes. But there’s no one else I trust more.”

  They said, “Lizzie? What’s wrong? Is Carter kicking again? Here, let me rub your back.”

  We wanted to see what was inside almost more than anything.

  But we always had someone there to pull us back. To keep us from getting lost.

  “Ox,” Joe muttered, looking stricken as the voice of our father called to him from a red door, telling him that he was going to be the Alpha. “We have to find Ox.”

  “Yes,” my mother said dreamily. She shook her head. “We must hurry.”

  We pushed on.

  Each door we passed slammed shut.

  We held on to each other. Gavin was at my side, and when he heard me from inside a door, telling him he was too fucking big to get on the bed, to get off, he turned his head toward me. “You love me.”

  “Yes.”

  “Ghosts.”

  “Yes.”

  The door closed.

  The clearing was bigger than it was in real life. It felt like we traveled miles. Hours passed. Each door was a little piece of memory, a map of the road taken. Dad was there. Grandad was there. Elijah was there. Richard Collins was there. Osmond growled, and Pappas said he could feel his tether shredding into pieces. David King said, “Not yet,” and a witch who lived in a house by the sea overturned his cup, bones spilling out and rattling on the table. “Fairbanks,” he said. “What you seek is in Fairbanks.”

  When we reached the other side of the clearing, we were all shattered. I could barely breathe, but Chris was there, his hand on my shoulder. Tanner tapped my hip with his fingers. Rico linked his arm through Bambi’s, and she held hands with Dominique. Jessie was pale, but my mother whispered in her ear, telling her that she was loved, that she was packpackpack, even as a younger version of Jessie demanded to know why she wasn’t good enough for Ox, why he couldn’t see what Joe wanted from him.

  Kelly said, “It hurts. All of this.”

  Mom said, “I know.”

  And Joe shouted, “Ox? Ox!”

  His voice echoed around us.

  I held my breath.

  Then, in the distance, Oxnard Matheson said, “Here. I’m here.”

  Joe ran.

  We followed.

  The doors thundered as they closed around us, their frames rattling as the voices began to shriek. They screamed why and please and sing you need to sing the song of wolves.

  Joe howled as he ran.

  We joined in.

  It was a wolfsong.

  A ravensong.

  A lovesong.

  A heartsong.

  A feralsong.

  A brothersong.

  In the trees along the edges of the clearing, wolves howled in response. Their songs bowled over us, and the ground below shook, the moon above pulsing brightly.

  We reached the edge of the clearing.

  There, sitting in front of a small door, was a man.

  His hands were on his knees.

  He was nude, and his skin was unmarked.

  He turned his head.

  And he smiled when he saw us.

  Ox said, “There you are. My loves. My pack. I was looking for you. I was lost. But see what I’ve found.”

  He laughed when Joe crashed into him, knocking him over. The laughter faded when he saw that Joe was sobbing. “Hey. Hey, Joe. It’s okay. I promise.” He held him close, running his hands over his back. “I’m here.”

  We crowded around him, each of us reaching out to touch some part of him, as if we couldn’t believe he was real. He closed his eyes and breathed in deeply.

  He said, “Listen.”

  He said, “Listen well.”

  He said, “Our pack is howling us home.”

  The door before us was blue. The paint was chipped, the frame cracked, but it looked strong, the wood old.

  The infinite blackness inside melted away.

  And there, just inside, was a boy.

  A big boy.

  A quiet boy.

  A lonely boy, and he thought he was going to get shit all his life.

  This boy said, “What’s that for?”

  A man appeared. He looked like Ox. He said, “When did you get home?”

  “A while ago.”

  “Later than I thought. Look, Ox….” He shook his head. “I know you’re not the smartest boy.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Dumb as an Ox,” and I hated him, hated this man I’d never met, hated him for all that he was, but I loved him too, a little bit. Because he’d played a part in giving us the man who sat before the door. Without him, there’d be no Ox.

  He said, “You’re gonna get shit. For most of your life.”

  “I’m bigger than most,” the boy said, and the wolves in the trees sang louder.

  “Moments,” our Ox said. “These little things that shaped us. Watch.”

  “People won’t understand you,” the man said.

  “Oh.”

  “They won’t get you.”

  “I don’t need them to,” but ah, god, how he lied. He wanted it more than anything.

  “I have to go.”

  “Where?” the boy asked.

  “Away. Look—”

  “Does Mom know?”

  The man laughed, and it was such a terrible sound. “Sure. Maybe. She knew what was going to happen. Probably has for a while.”

  “When are you coming back?”

  The man balked, and it looked as if he were breaking down. “Ox. People are going to be mean. You just ignore them. Keep your head down.”

  “People aren’t mean. Not always.”

  “You’re not going to see me for a while. Maybe a long while.”

  “What about the shop?” the boy asked as Gordo made a wounded noise. Ox hushed him gently.

  “Gordo doesn’t care.”

  “Oh.”

  “I don’t regret you. But I regret everything else.”

  The boy looked unsure. Scared. “Is this about…?”

  “I regret being here,” Ox’s father said. “I can’t take it.”

  “Well, that’s okay,” the boy said. “We can fix that.”

  “There’s no fixing, Ox.”

  But the boy didn’t listen because he was just that: a boy. He said, “Did you charge your phone? Don’t forget to charge your phone so I can call you. I got new math that I don’t understand. Mr. Howse
said I could ask you for help.”

  The man’s face twisted. “Don’t you fucking get it?”

  The boy in the door flinched. “No.”

  “Ox. There’s going to be no math. No phone calls. Don’t make me regret you too.”

  “Oh.”

  “You have to be a man now. That’s why I’m trying to teach you this stuff. Shit’s gonna get slung on you. You brush it off and keep going.”

  “I can be a man,” the boy said.

  “I know.”

  The boy smiled.

  “I have to go.”

  “When are you coming back?”

  But he was never coming back.

  He picked up his suitcase and was gone.

  The boy watched the door for a long time.

  Ox said, “He was my father. But he didn’t know me. He didn’t know who I was. What I was. And I don’t blame him for that. He wasn’t like me. He wasn’t like my mother. We were stronger than he was. We never ran because we knew if we did, we’d always be looking over our shoulders and wondering what if?” Ox stood slowly. He brushed us off as we tried to pull him back. He went toward the door, watching the boy inside.

  Joe pleaded with him to stop, but Ox reached up and touched the empty doorway.

  It rippled as if it was the surface of a lake.

  And then he stepped back.

  The doorway filled with light, warm and sweet.

  She was there, standing just on the other side.

  Ox smiled at her, a tear trailing down his cheek.

  “Maggie?” Mom whispered.

  Ox said, “Before you, before all of you, I only had her. I was very lucky, don’t you think?” He never looked away from the woman in front of him. “She believed in me. She told me I was special. That one day people would see just how much. I didn’t know what that meant. Not then. I do now. And it’s because of her. She was my beginning.” He looked back at us over his shoulder. “And you’re my ending.”

  From the doorway, Maggie Calloway said, “One you deserve.”

  Ox turned back toward her.

  She said, “My son. I’m so proud of you. Look at all you’ve become.”

  Ox said, “I tried so hard to save you.”

  “I know,” Maggie said. “But it was a circle. Ouroboros. It was always going to happen. Nothing you could have done would have changed that.”

  “And now?” Ox asked.

  “And now the circle is broken. Not yet, Ox. It’s not time yet. One day I will see you again. One day we’ll be together. But not today. And not for a long, long time to come. There is still much for you to see, much for you to do. I’ll be waiting, no matter how long it takes. Listen, Ox. Can you do that for me?”

  Ox said, “I love you.”

  She raised her hand and pressed it against the barrier in the doorway. It rippled, and Ox pressed his hand against hers. She smiled. And then she tilted her head back and howled.

  It sounded like a wolf.

  And then she was gone.

  Around us, one by one, the doors disappeared.

  Ox slowly lowered his hand.

  He rolled his shoulders.

  He took in a deep breath, then let it out slow.

  He said, “Thomas? I know you’re there.”

  Kelly gasped. Joe trembled. Mark took a stuttering step forward. Mom covered her mouth with her hand. Gordo closed his eyes.

  I saw him first.

  He stepped out from the trees. A white wolf with a smattering of black on his chest and back.

  I said, “Dad?”

  Each step the wolf took was slow and deliberate. The moment his paws touched the ground, green grasses shot up from the earth. The territory vibrated at the weight of its king.

  He stopped before us, eyes red.

  And in my head, I heard him.

  He said, there you are i see you i see you all my heart is full my heart is singing PackLoveWifeSonsDaughtersBrothersSisters i sing i sing for you because i love you i love you i love you

  He said, OxSonAlpha i knew i knew even then even when you were a child i knew because of the immensity of your heart

  He said, CarterSonLove you are my love my first my boy you taught me courage

  He said, KellySonLove my child my sweet child look at what you’ve made for yourself you taught me strength

  He said, JoeSonLove you are brave and true and you you you taught me selflessness

  He said, MarkBrotherLove all that i am is because you showed me how to be a man

  He said, GordoBrotherLove you i love you you you made me humble

  He said, LizzieWifeLove a promise is a promise i will love you forever

  He said, listen and hear me and it’s time to move on time to move forward this this this is a gift from our territory for all that we’ve endured this moment here now this is what you’ve fought for this is what you’ve bled for you did this because you have each other because you love each other because you know that pack is nothing without trust and hope and the people who make us whole

  He said, i am a father because you made me so

  He said, i am a husband because i needed light in my soul

  He said, i am a brother because i could not walk alone

  He said, and i am alpha because of you because of all of you my wolves my humans my witch my packpackpack

  He said, we will find each other after you have finished after you lay your head down for the last time and until then until we’re together again you must live for yourselves and each other live because you all have the hearts of wolves live love live and love and this is what we have here now this moment see me see me and remember i will always be with you

  The wolf was gone.

  In its place stood a man. A wonderful man. A beautiful man. And when he smiled, I felt it down to my bones. He said, “Chase me, I love you, chase me.”

  And then he ran, the white wolf bursting from his skin.

  We did the only thing we could.

  We ran after him.

  Through the trees.

  Under the full moon.

  We were wolves and humans and we ran.

  My father ran ahead. When he looked back at us, his eyes were red, and my mother sang for him, my brothers sang for him, and I howled, howled, howled so that he would know everything in my head and heart. It was a love song, and the territory thrummed beneath our paws. Other wolves ran with us, wolves that felt familiar, and they nipped at our heels, yipping loudly. Abel Bennett weaved in and out of the trees, running next to Mark, brushing against his side, and I caught bright bursts of light from him when he said, SonMarkLove and thank you for all that you are and faster faster faster.

  We ran because we were loved.

  We ran because we were family.

  We ran because we were pack.

  We were pack.

  But this moment could not last forever.

  Eventually my father slowed.

  Eventually the wolves melted back into the trees, though we could still hear their songs.

  The white wolf turned to face us.

  The red left his eyes.

  He whispered, stay stay you must stay this is where we part this is where we say goodbye the doors the doors are closed and you can rest rest knowing i have never been prouder of you

  Joe’s shift receded. He said, “Dad?”

  The wolf tilted his head.

  Joe took a step toward him. “I….”

  Our father leaned forward, pressing his snout against Joe’s forehead.

  Joe said, “Oh.”

  Green, like relief.

  Blue, like sadness.

  And white. The white, pure light of peace.

  I OPENED MY EYES.

  I turned my head.

  Joe held Ox’s hand.

  His eyes filled with red.

  Ox’s claws were pressed against his skin.

  “Now,” I heard Aileen say. “You must do it now.”

  Joe said, “I love you.”

  And pierce
d his own heart.

  His head rocked back as blood began to drip down his chest.

  Ox arched off the ground, the rose through his stomach in full bloom.

  The petals began to fall.

  Ox opened his mouth, fangs descending.

  He screamed.

  The color in Joe’s eyes flickered.

  Red.

  Blue.

  Red.

  Blue.

  Orange.

  Orange.

  Orange.

  One last petal remained on the rose.

  Joe jerked Ox’s hand from his chest.

  The wounds began to close.

  Ox stopped moving.

  Joe whispered, “Please. Please don’t leave me.”

  Our mother said, “Come back.”

  Gordo said, “We need you.”

  Tanner said, “Alpha.”

  Chris said, “You’re our Alpha.”

  Mark said, “Our friend.”

  Kelly said, “Our brother.”

  Robbie said, “Our light.”

  Jessie said, “Our hope.”

  Dominique said, “Our past.”

  Bambi said, “Our future.”

  Rico said, “Our home.”

  I said, “Our love.”

  And Gavin said, “Our savior.”

  Ox breathed.

  In. Out. In. Out.

  The last petal fell. It landed on the ruins of Ox’s stomach, soaking in the blood.

  And then the ragged hole began to close.

  Bone and muscle and organs reformed.

  Skin grew.

  The rose stem sank slowly back into the earth.

  A raven circled overhead.

  The wound healed completely.

  His heartbeat slowed.

  Joe said, “I’ve loved you from the moment I met you. I was lost in the dark, and you were the sun finally coming out again. I found my way back because of you. Now you have to do the same for me. Come back. Come back to me.”

  For a moment, nothing happened.

  Gavin clutched my hands.

  And then Oxnard Matheson sucked in a great breath.

  The pack bonds vibrated wildly.

  He opened his eyes.

  Red. They were red.

  He blinked once. Twice.

  He turned his head to look at all of us crowded around him.

  Our Alpha smiled and said, “It is finished.”

  home

  My mother said, “Will deserves it.”

  I looked to her. “Really?”

  She nodded, touching the back of my hand. “He was one of us. A wolf.”