by Rose Pearson
“And have you found another so soon?” she asked, not able to remove the image of him dancing with the young lady inside the house. “I saw the way you were looking down at her, Samuel. Am I that easy to forget?”
He closed his eyes and shook his head, taking a step back from her. “This is for the best, Kate. I should never have come out after you. I must go back inside.”
“Back to her?” Katie asked, her words crashing from her lips with fury and pain intertwined. “You have found another to push me from your heart when I have never once asked you to step away from me? Why, Samuel? Why will you not tell me?”
He did not look at her but dropped his head, one hand pushing through his hair as a groan of pain left his lips.
Closing her eyes, Katie drew in a ragged breath, barely able to cope with all that she felt, all that had crashed over her as he had spoken. She tried to reach for him, tried to capture his hand – but met only air. Opening her eyes, she realized that he was gone.
Chapter Seven
The following morning, Katie awoke with a pounding headache. It did not leave her until after she had drunk at least five cups of hot, sweet tea and eaten far too many pieces of toast smothered in jam.
She was, it seemed, feeling quite discontented.
Last evening, after Samuel had gone back into the house, she had been left to pick up the pieces of her broken heart before following back after him. Her expression had been serene and she had apologized profusely to Lord Halifax for quitting the room without informing him of her desire to have some fresh air, but he had simply waved away her concern and told her that he quite understood.
He had been rather distracted, she had thought, for even though they had danced and conversed, Lord Halifax had never really settled his gaze upon her again. Instead, he continued to watch the other guests and had spent some time in conversation with George Grainger. Katie had talked quietly with Jane, who had expressed her delight that the viscount had been kind enough to dance with her and telling Katie that she was to marry a ‘most amiable gentleman’. Given that the subject of matrimony had not yet been discussed, Katie had found it a rather strange conversation but had accepted the compliment for what it was. Jane had not wanted for partners after the viscount had danced with her, although she had danced very often with George Grainger who, after apologizing for his tardiness, had immediately swept Jane out onto the floor for another country dance.
All in all, it had been a pleasant evening, aside from the fact that she had been pained to see Samuel dancing with another lady whom he could not appear to lift his eyes from. It had made things all the worse to see him outside, following her. His concern had been both wonderful and agonizing, his whispered, pained words biting at her soul.
And, yet again, he had walked away. She still could not understand why he was so willing to reject her, what it was that forced him to step aside for Viscount Halifax to take his place, but Katie knew that she had nothing else to do but accept it. To complain, to cry and to beg, would do nothing for her. It seemed as though Samuel was doing all he could to forget her, to find someone else to love instead of her. Perhaps it was time for her to do the same.
Rising from her chair, Katie dressed quickly, shivering a little in the cool air of her bedchamber. It was still quiet in the house, which meant that neither of her parents had yet risen. There were a few sounds emanating from Jane’s bedchamber, which was next to her own, but that came as no surprise to Katie. Her sister had always been one to rise early although she did not always join them for breakfast. Jane often preferred her own company and would take breakfast in her room, choosing to read quietly or continue with some correspondence or other. Katie padded quickly past her sister’s room, throwing aside the memory of Jane dancing with Viscount Halifax last evening. It was not that it pained her but rather that there had been something in her sister’s expression that she had never truly seen before – a relaxed contentment, a gentle wondering, a fire that was slowly beginning to light Jane’s eyes. Of course, she had never had the opportunity to ask Jane about it and certainly would not even dream of doing so either. It was not the kind of thing one asked Jane and certainly not something her sister would be glad to share.
The cold winter’s morning had left a dusting of snow over the ground, her feet crunching through the frosty grass as Katie marched through the gardens and down towards the woodland path that she knew would bring her the peace and quiet she was looking for. She loved being out here, walking through the trees on her own. It was early enough that she would not meet another living soul, greeting the sunrise with a smile that seemed to fill her heart.
The viscount was sure to ask her to marry him soon enough. The smile faded from her features as she considered him, knowing full well that there was nothing about him that she found particularly unlikeable. In fact, he appeared to be a very generous and good-natured man, whom she was quite sure would treat her with respect and consideration.
“But I do not love him,” she whispered aloud, her breath fogging the air as she walked, her steps quick and hurried as though she might be able to escape her thoughts. As hard as she tried to forget Samuel, he would not remove himself from her heart. The idea that she might come to love another, that she might simply be able to forget him, was nothing more than foolishness.
She shook her head, refusing to let another tear fall over him. He could not be anything to her now. She was not about to let her heart bruise yet again, having to bear another rejection from the man she loved. That meant that, just as her sister had said, she would have to marry Viscount Halifax, safe in the knowledge that her heart would never belong to him.
It was a torment she was not quite sure she could bear. Perhaps, in time, it would become a little easier.
Stopping dead, Katie suddenly realized where she was. She had walked through the woodland with quick feet, taking her along the path to where Samuel’s cottage sat. It was right on the edge of the woodland, a good mile or so away from her father’s house and only half a mile from the rest of Abbeford Hill. She had come here so many times as a child and as a young girl, back when the late Mr. Putnam had been steward. Even though Samuel was a few years older than she, they had always played together, talked together, laughed together. He was the dearest person to her in the world and to think of stepping into a new life where she would never see him again was almost more than she could bear to even consider.
“Why do you insist on tormenting me, Kate?”
The front door of the cottage slammed open and, to her surprise, Samuel stormed towards her, his face like thunder.
“We cannot be happy together,” he shouted, his words echoing through the trees. “Have I not made it clear to you? Have I not told you that this must not be pursued, either by myself or by you?” He stopped a few steps away from her, his eyes burning with fire. “Please, Kate! Stop! There is nothing more we can say to one another.”
She swallowed hard, her pulse beating wildly in her throat as she took him in. His shirt was open at the neck, his brown hair thrown aside in a wild, tangled mess. His cheeks were hot, his dark brown eyes glittering with emotions she could not quite make out. It was not that he was angry, she realized, but that he was using that to cover his true feelings.
“I did not mean to come here,” she said, softly, not moving an inch. “My feet found their way to you without me even knowing it.”
Samuel shook his head, waving her away. “You need to go home, Kate.”
“Why?” she asked, as he turned around. “Why did you come out after me last night, Samuel?”
His hands slowly curled into fists. “Forgetting you is not as easy as you might think, Kate.”
“Not even when you have another already willing to make themselves dear to you?” she asked, bitterly, knowing that she was being harsh and cruel in how she spoke but still unable to prevent her words from coming out. “I cannot bear to see you with another, Samuel.”
“And you think I can do so?” he exclai
med, throwing up his hands as his voice grew louder once more. “To see you dancing with the viscount, to see you laughing and smiling with him as though he is to be everything to you?”
“He is my friend,” she said, the excuse sounding feeble even to her own ears. “That is all we can hope to be to one another, Samuel.”
Throwing his head back, Samuel let out a bellow of frustration, one that seemed to shake the trees and sent birds flying away from them in fright. Katie stared at him, feeling her own heart tremble as the cry echoed all through her, seeing the depths of his pain. His eyes closed tight, his expression nothing more than agony, and on seeing it, Katie turned on her heel and ran.
She ran from him, not knowing why or what she was doing, but aware that to remain there would only cause him further pain. There was no explanation, no simple understanding as to what kept them apart, but it was evidently tearing him apart.
Tears blurred her vision.
“Kate! Kate!”
She did not stop, her breathing growing ragged as she hurried back along the path, ignoring Samuel’s cries. This was all too confusing, all too troublesome. It was time for her to accept where her life’s path was leading and turn her back on Samuel once and for all. There could be no going back now. If he was not to tell her, if he could not share the truth with her, then she would not torment herself any further by seeking out his presence.
“Kate, wait! Please.”
His hand caught her arm, pulling her back. She stumbled and let out a shriek, spinning around to face him. Samuel let go of her at once, holding up his hands. “I’m sorry, Kate,” he stammered, his face red with exertion. “I did not mean to scare you.”
“It does not matter,” she replied, breathlessly. “You are right, Samuel. This is only hurting us both. You will not share your reasons with me and it is doing me no good to keep pursuing you in the hope that you will share them.” Her voice broke, her heart thundering within her like a wild horse that had only just regained its freedom. “Goodbye, Samuel.”
His eyes closed tight, his hands curling into fists as though he were forcing himself to stay where he was. “If I pursue you, Kate, then you will lose everything.”
“What?”
She stared at him, feeling weakness begin to cling to her bones.
“I will be as nothing,” he continued, each word dragged from his lips as though it were an agony to speak. “I will not be able to provide for you and we will be as poor as church mice.” Opening his eyes, he looked at her. “I cannot do that to you, Katie. Not when…” Trailing off, he swallowed hard before taking a step closer to her. “Not when I love you as I do.”
Her heart broke, love flowing from it in a river of agony. “I would not care, Samuel, if only I could have you.”
Shaking his head, his lips curved into a sad smile. “You would care, my dear girl. You would come to resent me for all that you have lost. I cannot do that simply because of my own desires, Kate. Trust me.” He lifted her chin with his thumb, before dropping his hand again. “I cannot let that happen, not to you.”
There was still no explanation as to how he knew such a thing would come about and she did not immediately understand exactly what he was saying. She would have her dowry upon her marriage, would she not? That money would be enough to take care of them both for some time, given that her father had been most generous towards both his daughters. “Can you not let me make that choice for myself, Samuel?” she asked, reaching for him to rest her hand on his shoulder, aware of how he flinched as she did so.
“No,” he whispered, brokenly. “Not when you do not know all that is at stake, Kate. In this, you must trust me. Trust me that I love you with all of my heart but that I cannot let you do something that would be so completely devastating.” His smile was sad, his fingers caressing her cheek as though it would be the last time they would ever see one another again. “I cannot forget you, Kate. Even if I pretend, even if I dance and smile and laugh with someone new, you will always be here.” So saying, he took her hand and pressed it lightly against his heart, his eyes glistening.
Katie closed her eyes, feeling dampness on her cheeks. She could feel his heart beating, so strong and steady, and knew that it was beating for her. The love in his eyes, the despair in his voice, had broken her entirely.
And then, his lips were on hers. She shuddered violently as he gently lifted her face to his, his lips gentle and sweet. It was the most wonderful moment of her life.
“Goodbye, my darling Kate,” he whispered, breaking the kiss. “I wish you a life of happiness with your viscount. I shall never let a day pass without thinking of you, no matter how long I live for you will always have my heart.”
Chapter Eight
“Katie?”
Lifting her head from where it had rested on the back of the chair, Katie opened her eyes and tried to recall where she was. Last she remembered, she had been in the drawing room attempting to make some paper flowers to adorn the windowsills and the like in time for Christmas. However, they lay, forgotten, beside her. Turning her head, Katie’s eyes widened as she saw Jane standing in the doorway of the drawing room, dressed in what appeared to be a traveling gown.
“I am to go to London,” Jane said, as Katie got to her feet. “It is all arranged.”
For a moment, Katie could not speak. Her emotions had already been in turmoil over what she had shared with Samuel only a few hours ago and now, it seemed, she was to have another goodbye. “To London?” she repeated, seeing her sister’s white face. “Why? Whatever is the matter?”
Jane’s smile did not reach her eyes. “Nothing at all, my dear sister. It is only that I have been invited to spend some time with Mary Grainger – although I believe she is now Lady Harrows – and I could not ignore the opportunity to go to London for the little Season!”
Katie frowned, not seeing a single spark of true delight in her sister’s eyes. Folding her arms, she narrowed her gaze just a little. “Jane,” she said, slowly. “I can tell that there is something troubling you. I know that you are not in any way inclined to tell me the truth about what it is that concerns you but will you not share it with me? Is there nothing I can do to help?” Seeing Jane drop her head, Katie hurried forward and put her hand on her sister’s arm. “Please, Jane,” she begged, feeling the burden of sisterly love. “I must do something to help. After all, it is near Christmas and I would not have you burdened at such a time.”
For a moment, Jane did not speak. Then, drawing in a sharp breath, she lifted her chin and gave Katie an overly bright – and rather false – smile.
“Indeed, I am quite all right,” she said, firmly. “I am looking forward to seeing Mary again and of course, I shall be able to purchase you a very pretty gift, my dear sister, for the shops in town are a good deal better than here.”
Mary Grainger, who was the younger sister of George Grainger, had married almost as soon as she had come of age. She now spent her time between London and her husband’s estate. Katie had never had the opportunity to spend time with Mary’s husband, Baron Harrows, and from what she knew, Jane had not done so either. In fact, although Jane and Mary had been friends during their younger years, Katie had never considered them close.
“George is to accompany me,” Jane continued. “I have a maid, of course. I am leaving within the hour.”
“George Grainger is to go to London?” Katie repeated, still holding onto her sister’s arm. “And you are to go with him?”
Jane’s eyes dropped to the floor. “Do not think that there is anything but friendship between myself and George, I beg you,” she whispered, sadly. “I know that this is the only reason that Mama has allowed me to go but I assure you that I have no feelings whatsoever for George, other than that of a friend.”
Katie closed her eyes tightly, hating that she knew so little about her sister and could offer her no aid. “When will you return?”
Jane shook her head. “I do not know. Soon. I would not want to miss all the excitemen
t of your engagement, Katie.”
“I do not know there will be an engagement as yet, Jane,” Katie replied slowly, knowing that she might not be able to bring herself to marry the viscount when all she could think of was Samuel. “Is that what is troubling you, Jane? The fact that I am to be engaged and wed soon enough? You need not fear for your own future, Jane, truly. I am quite sure that you will be able to find a happiness of your own.”
A harsh laugh came from her sister’s throat, surprising Katie entirely. She stared at Jane, seeing the dark glimmer in her sister’s eyes.
“You do not understand, Katie,” Jane replied, pulling her arm away. “You cannot. Not that it is your fault, of course.”
“Understand?” Katie repeated, still rather taken aback.
Jane shook her head and turned away. “You can never understand what my life is like, Katie. To be looked down upon by our mother simply because I do not have the beauty you possess. To be tossed aside when it comes to the viscount, to not even be considered, not even for a moment.” She did not look back at Katie but pressed one hand to the door. “You can never understand, Katie,” she finished, her voice growing a good deal softer. “Although I appreciate that you are trying to do so.”
“Jane, wait.”
Katie’s voice was lost as the door to the drawing room closed firmly behind Jane. She was not to be given the chance to talk to her sister further, it seemed, for it was quite apparent that Jane did not want to continue conversing with her. She had not even had the opportunity to say goodbye to her, suddenly hearing the sound of a carriage rolling up the driveway.
Her heart was beating painfully, her stomach twisting with confusion and hurt. It was not as though she had not tried to understand what it was Jane hid beneath herself, not as though she had not made it quite plain that she wanted to know what her sister was feeling but Jane had never once been open to discussing such things with her. And now to see just the edge of the burden she carried, to see the suffering in her eyes, it had torn a piece from her own heart. It was a closeness they had never had, a nearness that she had only ever longed for but never been granted. And, for whatever reason, she felt as though the reason for Jane’s running away, for her escape to London, was something to do with her.