Death and Dishonor

by Abhimanyu Saxena

  “Dude, without her it’s not a home, it’s just walls man,” I choked.

  At that moment, a constable Shyamu came running inside the station. “Sahab, Ranga is on the loose and is currently near India Gate.” Pratap nodded and placed his gun in his holster.

  “I will be taking care of this one,” I shouted and went outside to start my jeep.

  Pratap tried his best, but I didn’t budge. “I am coming with you; you are unstable at the moment.”

  I wanted to snap back at him, but I bit my tongue. Ranga was a serial killer, and I wanted to kill him, I wasn’t even thinking of capturing him. I nodded, and Pratap sat beside me in the car. However, little did I know that all of Pratap’s fears would come true. I drove like a maniac, taking all the sharp cuts and turns at breakneck speed.

  “Watch where you are going! What is happening with you dude?” Pratap shouted at me.

  But I didn’t answer; I didn’t want to talk to anybody. All I wanted was to kill that bastard. We had surrounded Ranga, and Pratap started negotiating with him. He wanted to make him surrender to us. I was getting restless; I had a weird notion in my mind that if I kill him, I will somehow feel better over the loss of my wife. We waited there for the bastard to come out of hiding but not even a leaf blew. Then suddenly, many things happened at once. The negotiations hit rock bottom, and Ranga managed to escape; I was in my jeep waiting for such a moment, and I leaped up instantly to kill that son of a bitch. I ran like there was no tomorrow, the rest of the squad chasing behind me. I knew that if they got ahead of me, then they would capture him but I would not. Such people deserved to die; there was no place for them in this world. Pratap started to sense my gut feeling as he started shouting behind me. “Remember there are many civilians here too.” Pratap’s words fell on deaf ears. I could see that fat bastard running in front of me. Pratap and the backup were just behind me when I took out my gun. Ranga realized that the Police wouldn’t hurt civilians, so he started fleeing using them as his cover. I took a huge breath and shouted.

  “Ranga, you won’t get away today.”

  I could see him between the crowds; his dirty mug had a crooked smile plastered on it. However, losing my shit, I cocked my gun.

  ‘Always analyze the result of your actions before taking them,’ my father had always taught me.

  But all seemed pointless now; without thinking twice, I opened fire at Ranga.

  Ranga was dead, his lifeless body lying in front of me. It didn’t bring any peace to me, Shikha was still gone, and nothing could have changed that. I put my gun back in the holster and kicked Ranga’s dead body with pride. But, there was something odd about the expressions of other officers and constables.

  “What is it Pratap? I would have arrested him, but he had a weapon.”

  Pratap didn’t say anything; he ran straight to his right. I looked there and immediately bit my tongue. One of the bullets hit a middle-aged man in his back, and he was on the floor in a pool of his blood.

  “FUCK!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.

  My hatred or thirst for blood resulted in this. Had I just listened to my father’s advice, this tragedy wouldn’t have happened. He always told me to analyze the result of my actions. If he had been alive today, he would have been disappointed to see his son. A civilian was shot because of me. Pratap along with some constables lifted him up into the Police van immediately.

  “I will take him to the hospital. And it would be good if you take it slow from here. Neha and Aditi are waiting for you at my place.”

  “Is he de- dead?”

  Pratap shook his head. “But it’s not looking good. We cannot waste any more time; I will keep you updated.”

  I called him after half an hour. My hands shaking all the time; I knew the loss of a loved one – I had just snatched someone from his family. Pratap told me that he wasn’t dead but was in a vegetative state or in short - brain dead. The middle-aged man was Shantanu Majumdar, his wife had died of cancer and had two daughters in their late twenties. One of the daughters Tia lived with him at their house. At night, I mustered my courage and went to the hospital. Pratap had given me all the information about the Majumdar family. I had no trouble recognizing Tia. She was crying her heart out. She was an engineer, and the earnings from her job barely fulfilled their expenses.

  “Tia, I am really sorry for all of this.”

  She wiped her tears and got up from the hospital bench. “Who a-are you?”

  I knew my answer would piss her off, but I deserved all the hatred. “I am Arjun, the cop who shot your father.”

  SLAP!!!!

  She had slapped me hard; it took guts to slap a Police officer, but I had already screwed her whole life.

  I had expected this, I wanted to kill myself, but it wouldn’t have helped anyone. No one would miss me, and my existence didn’t matter to anybody.

  “I am sorry, I will bear all the hospital expenses, and please allow me to help in any way possible,” I whispered to her.

  “Mr. Arjun, it would be great if you just leave this place immediately. You have done enough for me. I will be pressing charges against you, and I don’t need the help of delusional Police officers.”

  She had worn a white kurta and jeans, had straight hair and a fragrance of lilies was coming from her. She had a small round face and looked like a princess. But her words were like bullets, each causing a bigger hole in my body.

  I was suspended from the duty shortly after a trial, and I had become a full time drunk since then.

  “By the way, I set up that Majumdar girl in our intelligence division. You are not still sending money to her, are you?” Pratap brought me to the present.

  I came out of my memory and realized that Neha had started tidying up my place.

  “Bhabhi, it’s no need,” I said, but she was unperturbed and said, "Let someone take care of you for once. Poor Aditi already tried and failed. Now, we don't even know where she is, I saw a lock on her apartment door the other day and the neighbors told me that the house has been vacant for a couple of weeks now."

  Arjun shrugged off, "probably went on her next crusade."

  Pratap kept looking at me waiting for his answers, "you didn't answer my question."

  “Tia, the girl’s name is Tia,” I said. “Thanks for doing that. No, I didn’t send it again, after she had refused it the first time. This was the reason I had requested to set her up.”

  “You have got to move on Arjun. Life doesn’t stop here. Look what has happened to you. Where is that fun loving, jolly, sarcastic bastard that we all loved?’

  I had no answer to that. I was a pale shadow of the real Arjun, the real me died with Shikha, and I had no hope or plans for resurrecting that guy.

  “I have many contacts and a say in many Police matters. You can join the duty once you are clean and have a positive outlook. What has happened has happened, we cannot change that fact. You cannot stop living your life.”

  “Pratap, I will never join the force back, thanks for the offer though. It is getting late now; you guys should head back home – I have to start my night drinking session as well,” I added with a fake laugh.

  After ten to fifteen minutes of failed persuasion, both of them left the place. “Please move on, you have to accept it,” shouted Pratap from his car.

  “No more suggestions now, good night.”

  After closing the door, I poured myself a glass of Whiskey and looked at an old picture of Shikha. My chest started to hurt, and I pulled out a bottle of painkiller and popped a pill. After the drink, I looked at the clock. It was 2 AM, and I had nothing to do. I don’t know what happened to me, but I quickly stepped out of my place and retraced my steps back to the place I visited today. I was still drunk, but I had not lost my control over the senses. I knocked on the wooden door, and after some time, Father John opened the Church’s gate.

  “I was expecting you, my child,” he said in a calm assuring voice.

  “I had nowhere to go and nothing t
o do, Shikha came here often, so I followed suit.”

  “Shikha, do you mean Shikha Rathore?” He placed a hand on my shoulder. “I remember her, she came at the Sunday prayer every time and was always helpful. I am sorry son; the God took her so early.”

  I nodded, I didn’t want to hear any God’s messages or anything else. I sat inside the confession booth and waited for John to enter his.

  “John – Father John, I want to confess something.”

  “You can call me John and take your time. Grieving, crying and sharing your sorrows at the God’s place will help you immensely.”

  I couldn’t see his face, just a dim outline as a think curtain divided both the booths.

  “I killed my wife.”

  REGRET

  “I k-killed my wife,” I blurted out again. Father shifted in his seat, “Look, son, I am not inclined to believe that is the case, but I would like to know what happened.”

  Father continued as silence overtook me, “Son, I can see that something is eating you up. In life, there are times when things are unclear. You might not always find the answers from him, but God is always with you, guiding you through these hard times.”

  ‘This was the part I kept dreading every moment,’ I thought, feeling heavy in my chest as though the grim-reaper from my nightmares had struck me.

  I was opening the door to the front porch, and there she was. “I searched every room of the house, didn’t figure you would be here.” She looked at me, a little startled and then smiled. I went up to her and kissed her forehead. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, it’s just so quiet here, so I thought I would relax a bit,” she said.

  Suddenly, my mind was ringing with her giggles as I put on a new necklace on her and watched her adorable reflection on the mirror.

  “Honey, I love it!”

  I shook my head to snap out of it. I tried to utter, “I-,” but stopped again to shut-off the overwhelming memories.

  Another piercing moment of silence followed, “Son, it is okay, don’t hold back. No one else is here, just the three of us.-”

  “Three?” I asked, quickly distracting myself.

  “Yes,” father continued, “you, me and the Almighty who is always with us, watching us, forgiving any wrong acts that we do and giving us a chance to repent.”

  “Oh, that guy!” I exclaimed, “Where was he when I was in despair, crying my eyes out, while I get my drunk ass home every night; yeah, he usually checks out in these troubled times, leaving us to die slowly, doesn’t he?”

  “He has still helped you in a way, hasn’t he? You seek your peace of mind when you visit his home every day. This home, where you have come to confess to one of his humble servants who requests you not to use inappropriate language.”

  “Damn this stupid home!” I frowned at the father, who gasped and followed by saying, “Please, son, do not use this inappropriate language when you are in his home.”

  “I can leave very easily, anytime.”

  “Yes, you can but do you want to?” I wanted to get up but I couldn’t, so I ended up saying, “You don’t know how it is.”

  “But I believe it wasn’t like this,” father pressed on, “Something went terribly wrong because I find it hard to believe that a man so grief-stricken by the passing away of his wife had anything to do with it.”

  “It wasn’t,” I started, “In fact, it was like a dream come. The day I saw her is still fresh in my mind. I am an ex-cop, and I was posted at the Defense colony station until I got fired about two months ago.”

  I sighed and continued, “It was a year and a half ago; I was getting ready after my shift for a friend’s birthday party. We were very eager for this day as his girlfriend of two years was going to propose to him as a surprise gift.

  I had three buddy cops, Ajeet, Pratap and Alan and they were posted in different stations, well, Pratap was posted with me in this colony but I knew them since college, full-time crime partners with ton of mischief at our disposal, keeping the college staff and faculty on their toes as they cleaned up our messes. Good times!” A snicker came out, which I quickly suppressed. “You would think it as irony that we became cops. And then there was Aditi.”

  A rhythmic knock at the door made me look up. I opened the door to a pleasant sight; a woman was standing there, bob cut, in an elegant dress and her beaming smile fixed on me.

  “Aditi! You made it. I feared you would be held up at work, been very busy these days.”

  “As if you missed me,” she rolled her eyes, “I have been writing some very important pieces, most of it comes from you Police Babu if you keep track.”

  “Oh! You spoil me,” I smirked.

  Aditi and I were best friends since high school. We were inseparable, and we used to share everything among us, happy moments and sorrows, the whole lot. We even dated for a while but unfortunately, I didn’t share the same feelings as she did. We had talked it out that we would remain best friends. But she was crushed that day, and even though she didn’t let me see it, I knew that she never quite moved on from the ordeal.

  “So, you think Pratap knows?” I asked, wearing my jacket as she sat down on my bed.

  “About the proposal? Nooo! Neha has been making sure about that for a month now,” she waved casually.

  “Really? Is it been a month? Wow! Gotta give it to her. That is impressive.”

  “Always follow your heart,” Aditi said. “I could not stress this out more often.”

  She really could not. It was her motto, and she repeated it a little too often.

  She sighed as she continued, “Anyways that is not important right now. What is important is that you can give me any information on your investigation on the Burnout biker gang.”

  I smirked. “That’s what they are calling them now?”

  “Well, they do burn out cops’ wheels every single day.”

  I inhaled, “That they do!”

  She blocked me by standing in front, “So it has come to this, Aditi!” I said, being dramatically loud, “You would bring work before our friendship?”

  “Oh, don’t be so dramatic,” she said, irritated, “Please give me something.”

  “They are a gang of thugs who don’t leave trails. I mean, you already know everything. We have nothing new on them.”

  “I don’t believe you.” She spoke exasperated.

  “They are that good. We have only managed to get an ID on one of their guys, a topmost suspect for murder and extortion because God knows how he went sloppy on one of our chases and they don’t go sloppy. They are very good with their shortcuts and alleyways. It is as if they know all the nooks and crannies of the Delhi streets. So, it might mean that they cut down their sloppy member and I mean literally. Once I get any more than this,” I pointed at her, “I would know who to call.”

  She opened her mouth to say something, but my phone rang, making her frown at my ringtone which was the Flintstones theme, “Excuse me.”

  “Saved by the ringtone,” she rolled her eyes. It was Pratap. “They are leaving now,” I announced and within minutes we were in the Rover, heading to our destination.

  “You own a Range Rover?” father sounded impressed, “That magnificence always astounded me, but it is so expensive.”

  “This was not your first job choice, was it?” I said sarcastically to the partition between us.

  “Continue, my son,” father said, clearing his throat.

  Halfway on our way, we saw Pratap’s Duster as it swerved its way from the road to our left, swiftly by our side. We rolled down our windows. There was Pratap, smirking at me from within his thick mustache, and Neha, looking as beautiful as ever and excited as she waved at us.

  “Race to the bar?” Pratap shouted over our music players.

  “Loser gets to buy the first round,” I shouted back.

  And we were off. The inner colony streets of Defense Colony didn’t get very busy with traffic, so we used to race through it time and again, going to the statio
n or on the way to a crime scene. Currently, I was up by 3-0 on the winning streak. We raced past the houses, cool monsoon winds blowing on our faces.

  We reached the bar a few minutes later. “I’ll find us a table, you, Pratap, buy us our first round,” I smirked.

  The bartender waved at me. “Rohan! How’s it going?” I asked.

  “Could use a few of these myself,” Rohan panted, pouring three drinks at once and still managing to smile.

  “Well, buddy, you are welcome at our table whenever you are free,” Pratap offered to Rohan.

  It was Friday evening, and the bar was jam-packed. People were laughing, enjoying the live cricket or taking a shot at the pool table. I found us a good place with couches, and we were just settling there when Ajeet and Alan walked in.

  “Did birthday boy get a win today?” asked Alan, grinning from ear to ear, as though he already knew the answer.

  “He got drinks for us, that’s a win,” I laughed off, greeting them.

  “Now, now, play nice boys!” Neha patted Pratap lightly as he was settling down the drinks. “So, Aditi, how’s work?” Neha asked.

  “Uneventful,” Aditi sighed as she looked at me.

  I took Ajeet out of earshot, “Any update from the house robbery?”

  “No,” Ajeet said, “No evidence pointing to them, but we have a wild guess there were only four on this one.”

  “But they never,” I started, then something clicked, “That means the fifth guy that we ID’ed-”

  “Could have been excluded for this job,” Ajeet cut in, “Or killed for that matter, seeing the violent history of these guys.”

  Lines formed on my forehead as I feared that we might have just lost the only lead we got. “Okay, get the night shift searching these areas inside out for a body. I know it’s a long shot, but we can hope they may slip.”

  Alan nodded and took out his phone and began dialing a number. “Everything good?” Pratap asked as I went back to the table.