‘What you do to me Peyton’ he whispered in awe.
I started to move, this wasn’t a slow fuck, this was going to be hard and fast. I lifted up then slammed down onto him, I rode him as hard and fast as my muscles would allow. I needed him. His hands gripping my hips helped and pulled me down onto him even harder. Our moans were unintelligible, both of us so completely lost in the moment. My orgasm came out of nowhere, it was so powerful that I couldn’t even scream. I felt it when Rafe came, his pulsating member continued my never-ending orgasm.
We stayed there, holding onto each other and still sat at the end of the bed.
‘I don’t think that I’ll ever get used to this feeling’ I murmured in his ear.
‘What feeling?’ he pulled back to look into my eyes.
‘This, us’ I pointed to both of us ‘the way you make me feel, I’ve never felt like this before’.
He kissed me, tenderly this time and I napped in his arms.
I woke sometime later, lying in bed with Rafe stroking my hair. He looked impossibly sad.
‘Good evening Agent Deveraux’ I purred, trying to pull him out of whatever mood he was in.
‘I’m about to ruin your good mood, I can feel it’ he shook his head sadly.
‘Then let’s not go there, please Rafe’
‘Yesterday was huge, I can’t act like nothing happened’
‘What, now you’ve seen the weapon that was used to damage me you don’t want me anymore?’ I hissed and got to move away.
He held my face in his hands ‘God woman, I want you so badly. I want you more than the air I breath for fucks sake. Me not wanting you, no not going to happen. You might be able to act like yesterday didn’t happen, but I cannot. You were in the fucking room with him, if he had hurt you, I don’t know what I would have done’ his eyes were wild and the last word hitched.
‘I don’t know what to say to you right now. You want me to by happy yet when I am happy your surprised that I’m not fucking sad. You like that I’m strong until you don’t. What the fuck do you want me to do right now?’ I’m mad, really mad, I climbed off him and moved around the room.
‘Angers a good start, that usually leads to you dealing with some of your shit. I know you missed both of your therapy sessions this week. Why didn’t you go today?’ he sounds pissed too.
‘Because I forgot! I was a little bit preoccupied!’ I’ve upgraded to shouting.
My chest is heaving with anger, I’m so angry. I’m pissed at Rafe, I’m pissed at Ben, I’m pissed at the bureau, I’m pissed at everyone.
‘You would rather do anything than deal with it, Peyton!’ he roared at me, he was moving towards me.
‘It’s not fair that any of this happened to you, but you’ve got to reign in your stubbornness and deal with it. See a therapist, talk to me, talk to Ben, I don’t care! Just fucking do something!’ he yelled and threw his hands up in exasperation.
‘It’s not fair?’ I almost screamed, ‘that is a fucking understatement! It’s not fair that I had to watch my family die, its not fair that everyone I loved died, its not fucking fair that I lived my life waiting to be mauled by a snapper, sleeping with one fucking eye open an it’s not fair that on three fucking occasions I had been shot or stabbed and it certainly isn’t fucking fair that I was raped by that asshole! Then to top it off, I’m brought back here, instead of topping myself, to have to sit in a room and talk about how to save you all. My family and friends were the first fucking round and they failed, so now I get to talk about it all day long on how they could have done it better. They were people! I loved them and they died, but I have to put all of that aside to help you sorry assholes! Now, it’s probably going to happen all over again and I get to watch the same fucking thing happen all over again. There is no fucking point in me dealing with a goddamn thing.’ tears are threatening, or a violent outburst I don’t know which ‘THAT is what not fair looks like!’
I feel exceptionally exposed right now, I have just parted with my inner most thoughts that up until now I have been suppressing like nobody’s business and I’m half naked. It doesn’t feel like I can hide any parts of myself, I’m floating unrestrained and hoping that he’ll catch me. He crossed the room in a second and yanked me into his arms. I fought like absolute hell. We were tumbling on the floor, me desperate to hit him and he was struggling to stop me.
‘Calm down Peyton’, he is better at blocking hits than me, that just made me even more angry.
I feel something move on my cheek; which is when I realize that I’m crying. I can’t see through the tears to fight him anymore. I’m blindly moving my hands around.
‘Ssh, it’s okay Peyton’ Rafe crooned, ‘let it out, I won’t let you go’.
I’m now sobbing uncontrollably, my iron sky high fence I built around all my bad memories is crashing down and I don’t know what to do. It’s too much, I want to escape it but there’s no where to go. I can’t breathe or think anymore, it’s overwhelming.
Chapter Eleven
I had cried for the best part of the night, Rafe stayed with me on the floor, holding me. I felt like I had shattered into thousands of little pieces and had no glue to stick them back together. Rafe called into work and said there was no way I would be coming in. I didn’t care. I didn’t care about anything.
He scooped me up and lay me down on the bed and that is where I stayed for the next week. Ben came in occasionally with food and when I refused to eat, he left it there on the side. Rafe came after work each day and stayed with me. I don’t know why he bothered, I said nothing and I didn’t move. I didn’t look away from the patch of wall I had been staring at for the last three days. I heard Daniels come by, he tried to coax me out of bed with a game. I ignored him too.
Rafe begged me to talk to him, to say something, say anything in fact, My silence was deafening, I felt dead inside. I had resorted to my safety net state, I became a ghost again. This time I didn’t plan on coming back out. I felt every bit of life drift out of me until I was an empty shell. Rafes words didn’t touch me, there was nothing inside to care.
Days turned into a week and I hadn’t waivered from my routine of doing nothing. I felt naked and exposed with my walls down and was so overwhelmed by the memories and emotions that had come tumbling down that I couldn’t see the light through it. I felt as if I lived in perpetual darkness, waiting to be consumed by my nightmares.
Occasionally I would sleep; if you can call it that, it was more torment than relaxing. It was every bad memory squeezed in at once. I didn’t cry anymore; I had given up on that too. I had given up in general. I finally moved on day eight and it was with one purpose. I didn’t have my sentimental bullet anymore, but I did have something else.
I went straight to the kitchen and into the cutlery draw and pulled out the sharpest knife in there. I moved it over the veins in my wrist and pressed hard.
‘Peyton, no!’ Ben yelled next to my ear and tried to wrestle the knife off me. In my weakened state I struggled to fight back. Another pair of arms yanked me back as Ben pulled the knife out of my hands.
‘Let go of me!’ I was shouting. Determined to get back to my knife, my escape.
I was lifted off the ground and dragged back into my bedroom.
Rafe blocked the doorway, my exit. His hands were in his hair and he was looking at me with a horrified expression.
‘What the fuck Peyton’ he half whispered; the other half was barely a sound.
‘I can’t do it anymore; I can’t pull myself back up. Let me do it, please’ I begged.
‘You think I would let you? You think that I would watch the woman I love do that? Where’s the goddamn fire in you Peyton?’ he growled.
‘It’s dead, like the rest of me’ my voice flat.
‘No, you’re not!’
He pulled me into his arms and his mouth descended on mine. He smothered my face in light kisses and then my neck. His mouth was back on mine, I felt something, the smallest spark, deep inside of me. It
became stronger and stronger, then I was kissing him back. I kissed him as if my life depended on it. His hands were everywhere, determined not to let me fall back off the ledge. I held onto him so tightly, nothing I could do was enough.
I jumped, wrapping my legs around him. I still needed more contact.
‘Don’t stop please, I need you, I need you Rafe’ I begged.
He didn’t stop, he walked until my back hit the wall. He was rough, which is exactly what I needed, I needed him to break through my fog. His hand reached between us and ripped off my underwear. My mouth was still on his, using his want for me as a life raft. Fingers stroked my clit; another was pinching my nipples through my bed shirt. I was wet for him, I needed him.
He moved to my entrance, then thrusted deep inside. Then he started to move, fast and hard.
‘Open your eyes Peyton, look at me’ he commanded.
I looked straight into his eyes and saw into his soul. His hurt, anger and love for me. It was all there.
‘Don’t let me go’ I pleaded.
‘Never. I love you and I won’t ever let go’ his hands gripped me tight.
My eyes filled with tears and my mouth slammed onto his. I kissed him with everything that I had. I couldn’t live without him. I tried to show him through my actions, as I wasn’t brave enough to speak the words. He thrusted harder and faster.
‘I need you to come for me Peyton, jump over the edge with me’
And I did. I came and came, he held me tight against the wall never letting go.
‘I love you’ he whispered in my ear ‘don’t do that again, I thought you had ripped my heart out’, his voice was strained.
I opened my eyes and looked straight into his, I saw the depth of his sadness. Tears had filled his eyes, ‘don’t do that to me again, please Peyton, I couldn’t bear it’
Unable to speak, I shook my head. In my deep sorrow, I had thought only of my escape. Looking into Rafes eyes, I saw how wrong I was. If I had succeeded, I would have escaped only to leave those I loved in a jail of my making.
‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry’ I cried into his neck, ‘I’m so sorry’. I repeated it over and over again. Rafe moved us to the bed and held me until I fell asleep and long after.
The next morning, I woke, still nestled in the arms of the man of my dreams. I still felt incredibly low, but he had thrown me a lifeline. Instead of drowning my head was now just above the water. I turned in his arms to look at him, my fingers stroking his face and threading through his hair. His eyes opened and he gave me a sweet smile and kissed my nose.
‘Come here’ he pulled me in tight. ‘I need you to do something for me today’
I nodded slowly, I owed him my life after yesterday.
‘I need you to talk to me, or I’ll call the therapist and you can talk to him. You have a laptop, write it all down, pick one and do it today, please’ his tone brooked no argument.
I knew my answer without even thinking, ‘I’ll talk to you, please, I can’t talk to the therapist. I don’t trust where that information is going, it doesn’t exactly help me to open up’.
‘Okay’ I got a small smile.
‘First, I’ll make you breakfast, then we’ll eat, then talk. Okay?’ I nodded; the talk of food made my stomach rumble.
I had eaten the odd bite of food that was left on my side table. The smell of bacon cooking woke my stomach with a vengeance. I forced myself to get up and shower, anything to pass the time before food. When I came out Rafe was lying on my bed tucking into a sandwich, mine was sat there waiting.
I demolished it, barely stopping to breathe. I looked over to Rafe mid bite to give a nod of thanks, he was staring at me.
‘Do you want another one?’ he looked amazed by the speed that I ate. He had barely tucked into his.
‘No thanks, I’m feeling a bit full now’ I said with a mouthful of sandwich.
I still crammed in the rest of it, willing it to travel faster to my stomach.
I waited patiently for him to finish, mentally preparing for the inquisition. The last time I opened up, I fell so far into the abyss that I nearly didn’t come out. My walls were completely down, and I was being tortured by the hell on the other side.
We sat there all day, he asked me to tell him everything. From the moment I was in the world, to the moment he met me. I left nothing out, hoping he would banish some of my demons. I told him the good with the bad. I relinquished the right to pass on a question, so nothing was left unsaid. I trusted him not to judge me or think differently of me and I opened myself entirely to him. He didn’t let me down.
‘Come with me’ he got up and pulled me with him and lightly pushed me towards the wardrobe. ‘Get dressed, come on’ and he clapped behind me.
Grudgingly I obliged.
‘Where are we going’ I was anxious to leave my sanctuary/hellhole of misery.
‘Change of scenery, you’ve holed yourself up in here for too long. Let me help you, come with me’.
He said I was being too slow and carried me to the car on his back. I didn’t argue, I just enjoyed the ride. As he climbed into the driver’s seat, I noticed something that stole my breath. It was like seeing a unicorn.
‘Your wearing jeans… and a t shirt… and a flannel shirt, I didn’t think you existed in anything but a suit. Still wearing the shades, I see. It looks good, really good in fact’ I was staring at his jean clad thighs.
He shook his head at me and laughed, then started the car.
He parked at his and I headed to the stairs.
‘Where are you going? Come on’ he held his hand out for me.
We walked, hand in hand. I watched people mill about, it looked so easy to be carefree. I tried and that just ended up in a huge mess. I was disheartened, I was only gone for four years, but it may as well have been a lifetime.
‘You’ll get there’ he squeezed my hand.
We walked into a courtyard that was full of different street vendors.
‘What do you want?’ I looked around and had absolutely no idea.
‘Surprise me’
‘You’ve got it’ he grinned.
He led me to a bench and then went on a food hunt. It was early evening and still warm. The streets were starting to fill up with people and the courtyard was getting busier. I took deep breaths to remain calm and closed my eyes. Rafe pulled me out of my alone time in my head, he squeezed my hand as he sat down and then slid a burger and chili nachos in front of me.
‘I figured after watching you eat this morning, that you could handle this’ he smirked at me.
We ate in companionable silence, after today I was all talked out. I was doing my best not to fall back into oblivion. Rafe had forced me to confront my demons, I wanted to be angry at him. I was drained, so drained but a huge weight had been lifted. It felt as if he took some of the burden and I was eternally grateful.
The walk back to his apartment was hard as I was so full! The air on my skin felt amazing, it was fresh; instead of my stale room air that I had been breathing.
I thought of Ben and what he was up to, I hadn’t seen him since yesterday.
‘How’s Ben?’ I hung my head remembering him tearing the knife out of my hand.
‘He’ll be okay. You were a good actress in front of him and he hadn’t realized the extent of your experiences or how hard it has been for you’ he grimaced ‘or what you went through’.
It dawned on me that Ben would have heard me shouting at Rafe and my heart sunk when I thought of what he would have heard.
‘I’ve spent a lot of time with him this week, I promise that he’ll be okay. He’s more concerned for you than anything else’, that comforted me somewhat.
Thinking about all the pain I had caused Rafe and Ben made me want to withdraw into myself. With a deep breath and sigh, I decided to get through the next minute. Then after that, I would get through the next. That seemed far more manageable.
I climbed into bed as soon as we got back, I felt strung out and with
in minutes I was fast asleep.
Chapter Twelve
Rafe had gone to work, leaving me alone in his apartment. I cleaned, watched a movie and made myself breakfast. That passed two hours. Hmm. Not wanting to stay still for too long, less I’m pulled back into oblivion I grabbed my things and left. I walked all the way to my therapist’s office; which took me two hours. It was nice to walk, reminded me of snapper land times.
His receptionist looked less than impressed that I had arrived without making an appointment, I glared at her. She glared back, I turned off the light behind my eyes and that soon shut her down.
Jamison came out with another patient and looked at me with complete surprise.
‘My, my, Peyton! Lovely to see you! Do we have an appointment?’ his receptionist looked smug.
‘No, we don’t, but in light of recent developments I would categorize this as an emergency visit’.
‘Well then, who am I to send you away? Come inside’ he gestured for me to enter his office. I stuck my finger up at the receptionist as the door closed, her gasp was very much audible.
I sat on the sofa and Jamison made himself comfortable on the armchair opposite.
‘So, you said that this was an emergency visit, would you like to tell me what happened?’ he spoke in a casual tone.
‘I had a monumental meltdown, couldn’t move from my bed for a week and when I did it was to grab a knife to end it all. If it wasn’t for my roommate and… friend I wouldn’t be sat here right now’ that was odd, I didn’t know what to label Rafe as.
He looked mildly surprised, that was probably the most that I had opened up with him at all.
‘How are you feeling now?’ he asked while writing his notes.
‘Still low, but not so low that I’m reaching for a knife’.
‘What changed?’ I looked at him, confused, ‘you said that you wanted to end it all and now you don’t. What changed?’.
Wildfire (Book 1): Leap of Faith Page 8