by Jamie Knight
This seemed to shock her for a moment. After a brief pause, Lila got her coat off the back off her chair and came with me out the door, tacitly agreeing to at least talk to me at the café next door.
She seemed to be making more of an effort than at the bar. Even though things were still pretty stilted. Each of us looking for the right thing to say as we sat at a table near the window. As well as trying to avoid the wrong things, it seemed. I still had my secrets I was keeping back, and I was sure she did too. Two years was a long time. One thing I did know was that she wasn’t seeing anyone. She had already said as much.
“Are you seeing anyone?” Lila asked, as though reading my mind.
“No, no one. For a while, actually.”
“Since when?” she asked, sounding concerned. I watched as my ex frowned, clearly trying to hide what she was feeling.
“Since going into rehab. Since you.”
“So, you’re celibate?” she asked, looking skeptical but also pretty damn pleased.
“Two years and counting,” I said, raising my recently arrived mineral water.
I couldn’t help but notice the waitress's disappointed look. My celibacy was definitely not from a lack of options. I just didn’t need the distraction while I was trying to get clean.
Taken by an impulse, I gently took Lila’s hand from across the table. She jumped, looking startled. Not a good sign.
“I’m really sorry about everything. I-it feels like there’s something wrong without you. Something missing. I really want a second chance.”
“That’s not happening,” Lila said, pulling her hand back.
“I understand.”
“Meet me at the library tonight,” she said before leaving.
It was a strange place to meet, and I was pretty confused but not about to sneeze at the chance to see her again. Even if it was only social. Social was good. I could do with social. Anything that didn’t involve her actively hating me was a massive improvement.
Chapter Seven - Jinx
Lucky sniffed the sidewalk like a bloodhound tracking a rabbit. I was determined to give him more attention than I had been lately. Not just a couple walks a day like I always did, but I let him take his sweet time and planned to take him to the park that weekend with his favorite toy.
Even though he was two and well full-grown for a dog his size, Lucky could still act like a lot like a puppy. Often, he got mistaken for being a French Bulldog or Pug mix, making him both small and so ugly he went all the way back around to cute.
Lucky finished sniffing and jumped into my arms to be carried back to his palace like a little furry king. He was a benevolent ruler and a good companion, so I didn’t really mind too much.
Getting Lucky fixed up with a doggie feast, I made myself some steak and onions, my belly already starting to growl. I hadn’t eaten since lunch, and even then, it was barely. I was nervous about seeing Lila again at the library and what it might mean. She was giving mixed messages that were harder to decipher than Sartre’s How in the original French, which I had actually tried to read once. I had made it about thirty pages in before my nose started to bleed. To be fair, I was more into media theory, trending towards Marshall McLuhan and Douglas Rushkoff more than the literary set. Though I had also read How to Win Friends and Influence People at least a hundred times. What I really would have liked was a simple guide to basic mind-reading but, alas, no such tome was in existence.
I had given a moment’s thought to a nice tumbler of scotch to go with my steak but thought better of it. It might seem strange why I would still have any alcohol anywhere in the house when I was on the wagon. I suppose I saw it as the proverbial ‘last cigarette’ that I’d heard about former smokers carrying around. Not as a temptation but as a trophy of their will-power. There was a time when they would have smoked it in a heartbeat, but no more! I was in a similar situation, downing a least a bottle of scotch every day, getting to the point that I would barely feel it, my alcohol tolerance achieving God-like status, even though I never really did care for mead. A bit too sweet for my taste.
As was his custom whenever I was eating anything that smelled better than what he had, Lucky came over and sat himself down by my chair. He didn’t bark or whine. He just sat there, providing an audience watching every bite I took. Some people would have yelled at him or scolded him or even put him in the bedroom, but I wasn’t one of them. If anything, I was glad for the company. He wasn’t getting any of my steak, but it was the thought that really counted. A gesture of good will, I put down my plate for him to lick off, not only going a long way in the cleaning process but also giving him a bit of a treat in terms of the juice and sauce still left over.
Leaving my dog licking away happily, I went to get dressed. I didn’t know what to wear. Mostly because I didn’t know why we were going after meeting up. I considered my suit, but that might be a bit too much. Particularly considering we were meeting at a public library, of all places. It was also the kind of thing that I would wear back when I wasn’t really my best self. In the end, I decided to opt for just being myself, so boots, jeans, and a band shirt it was.
We hadn’t set a time, but the library closed at eight, so I got there at six, to try and give us as much time as possible. I didn’t see Lila at the main doors, so I started looking around inside, planning to loop back and wait by the doors again if she wasn’t indoors. I checked the computers, the magazines, the DVDs, the CDs, and every section of the regular book collection, even peeking in on the Spanish and French in case she had hidden talents. I looked everywhere but two places, The bathroom, for obvious reasons, and the Children’s section. It was in this last location that I finally spotted her, after starting to think she might have stood me up.
My ex was sitting on the floor with a toddler who looked just under a year. Though it wasn’t the kid's age that I noticed most — even though it would have been an important clue to what was happening. The thing about the kid that most got my attention was how much he looked like me. Or at least, how I had looked when I was a kid. Too much not to be my son. I really didn’t know how to respond. For the first time in a long time, I was well and truly speechless.
“I wanted to meet here so you wouldn’t yell,” Lila explained.
I could see the fear flashing in her eyes. It was something I had seen enough before I went into rehab, so I was able to recognize it instantly. I hated that she was afraid of me or how I might react to the news that I had a son. I didn’t feel like I deserved the fear, even though I could certainly understand it. I had done more than enough to put the fear in her. My ex had no way of really knowing that I wasn’t like that anymore.
I took a breath, trying to stay calm, and sat on the floor with them. As prepared as I might have thought I was, I really wasn’t ready when the kid came crawling over, at good tick too and climbed on my lap.
“Night, Daddy,” he said, waving his hand in front of my face.
With this cryptic greeting, he crawled back over to where he had been at Lila’s side and went back to looking through the pictures in a soft book.
“What was that?” I asked his mother.
She glanced away, looking pale. “Billy’s bedtime routine. I-I put a photo of you in his crib. I wanted to make sure our baby knew who his daddy was. I-I thought you might be dead when you just disappeared like that. That’s why I ran when I saw you at your office. I really thought I’d seen a ghost,” Lila said, not unkindly.
I was too shocked to even move. Suspecting was one thing, but the confirmation was a bit too much. I had a son. With Lila. Even if we weren’t getting back together, there was a person, a living breathing human, that was made up out of a combination of our combined DNA.
I watched Billy until I started to tear up. It was all too much. The guild crashed down on me like a ton of bricks. Not only had I left Lila behind but also our baby, who she’d had to raise herself. It was a good thing that I had gotten help in rehab, but I should have called her as soon a
s I got out.
My head spun, and I looked at my son through blurred vision.
“Work…” I muttered, barely getting the words out. “Back to work.” I pointed towards the door.
“You have to go?” Lila said, meaning it more as a statement.
I knew if I left, then it was probably over. I had blown my last chance with either of them. But I couldn’t stay. I just needed time and space to think. To process it all.
“Yes,” I said, slowly standing, reaching out to grab a bookcase as I did.
Gently ruffling Billy’s hair, I walked out of the library and into the chilly night. I needed to run. Running always cleared my head and made it easier to think. I took off like a man being chased by something horrible, not stopping until I got back to my building, overshooting the door by several feet.
Lucky was there like he always was. The one thing I could count on. I scratched him behind the ear and went into the kitchen. Getting out the bottle of scotch, I half filled a mug and sat on the couch. Setting the forbidden cup on the coffee table, I stared at it.
Getting out my phone, I started to dial my father then thought better of it ending the call. I was angry. No one bothered to tell me I had a son. Not even my father. Then it hit me. My father didn’t know. He couldn’t have. He certainly would have provided for his grandson. His pride wouldn’t let him do otherwise.
I couldn’t blame Lila either. I had left her, and she thought I was dead. Of course, she moved on. Even if she had, she wouldn’t have dad’s resources. Not that he was coming after me either. He was really stubborn that way. I had to make the first move. There was no one to blame but myself and no one to punish.
Picking up the mug, I downed it in one go. The bitter taste and burning sensation slamming into the back of my throat, enough to make me wonder why I had ever liked the stuff, let alone drank it to excess. It really was awful.
My head lulled back as I gasped for breath against the heat. The mug slipped from my hand and clattering to the floor. I looked over at the window. I had never tried but was pretty sure it opened all the way. I lived on the fifth floor. It was a long way down with a cement sidewalk at the bottom. It wasn’t the first time I’d thought this way. Only on the previous occasions, I’d still had something to live for. Now I knew I had a family. One I was likely not going to see again.
It was bad enough having Lila mad at me. She had always been my best friend, now she could barely stand to be around me. I had often wondered if it had been a mistake for us to get together but had come to the conclusion that it hadn’t been the problem. For us to end up together was just a natural progression.
The issue had been me and what I had become. I still secretly blamed my dad for that. Not only had I inherited his addictive personality, if I hadn’t worked at his casino, it seemed unlikely that I would have developed my addiction in the first place. Still, though, I was the one who started play and didn’t stop until it was too late. Even a drug dealer knew it was bad business to get high on your own supply. Sure, Dad could have banned me from gambling at his casinos. He had the power as the owner, but that really wasn’t his style. He had always tried to teach me to be my own man and take responsibility for myself. Something I was never really very good at.
I was just about to do something really drastic, even more drastic than having my first drink in two years when Lucky hopped up onto the couch. He nudged my hand with his little paw, insisting that I pet him. I smiled and stroked his furry head as he crawled up onto my lap, curled up into a contented little ball, and went to sleep. At least someone still liked me. Maybe I wasn’t irredeemable after all. I understood if Lila didn’t want to be with me. Though I was determined to be part of Billy’s life. I just had to find a way to try and make things up to Lila first.
Chapter Eight - Lila
I had heard about the trials and tribulations that insomniacs had to suffer, especially chronic cases. Though there was little I wouldn’t have given to be among their number. The dreams really were that bad. It didn’t help that I had also cried myself to sleep.
I really didn’t think Billy understood what had happened. By the way he responded to Carl, my son probably just thought his dad was another picture. He might as well have been for all he had been around.
Billy had done it again, of course, when I put him down in his crib. What made it worse was that he seemed to know what he was doing, saying goodnight to his daddy. The daddy who had disappeared before he was born and had seen him for the first time that night, before running away. I hadn’t actually seen Jinx run but assumed he had. I was so confused.
I didn’t want Billy to see me cry. There was really no way to explain it to him. No way I could think of anyway. Making sure he was safe in his crib, I went to my room and cried myself to sleep. Whimpering softly into my pillow, the movie of my life with Carl unspooling in my head, like a pre-death highlight reel. Most of it was really nice.
Even the high school years weren’t that bad. Despite both of us being misfits. Carl would get shit about his clothes and music but always had a witty come back and well-thought-out argument, usually ending up with more friends than enemies. I was always his best friend though. The girl he used to share his sandbox with. It gave me special privileges, and no one could mess with me without incurring Carl’s infamous verbal fury, reducing more than one mean girl to tears during our high school career.
Then we graduated and went to college. Things were pretty good. We both got into the same school up north and watched each other’s backs at parties and during mid-terms. It was really lovely having a built-in friend. Especially one I already knew so well.
It was about that time we started sleeping together. We hadn’t really planned it. Though the chemistry was undeniable. A magnetic force that pulled us into a tender, passionate kiss that just kept going from there. We tried to figure out in later years who had kissed who first but just couldn’t figure it out. It had all been entirely mutual as far as we could tell.
It was my first time, which seemed to surprise him. He was enormous but also really gentle, and it had only hurt a little bit at first. Then it started to feel really good. Then we did it more. I don’t think we ever officially declared our love, even to each other, or said, “we’re a couple.” It was just so obvious such statements just seemed redundant. We had always loved each other.
Then things got bad. I put it at around the time he started working for his dad when we came back to Vegas. Jinx started changing. Getting more oily, meaner. We didn’t have sex anymore. He spent most of his time when he wasn’t working at the casino drinking and gambling. I missed sex. Though more than that, I missed him and how we used to be. It was like I could feel him slipping away, and there was nothing I could do about it.
The problem was I loved Carl. Even with how much he hurt me. I still loved him, even after he ran away. He never did handle high-pressure situations well, and I did sort of dump it on him. Though I really couldn’t think of any other way to tell him that we had a baby. It shouldn’t have surprised him really. Considering how much he had fucked me before things went off the rails. Rarely did we use protection. I wasn’t on the pill, and neither of us liked condoms. I was already well on the way before he disappeared without a word. I guess he had missed it somehow.
I woke up to Billy crying. I looked out the window. The sun was up, which was a good sign. He had taken to given wake-up calls before the sun was fully up which tended to wake up everyone in the house. Not just me. Irene was fine with it. Apparently, she had always been a heavy sleeper.
My son was hungry, of course. He was always hungry in the morning. He was off the boob by then, so it was far more of a production to get food down him. Involving a high chair and bib and all manner of pre-soften food. Which he sometimes only ate with some coaxing, despite his claims to near starvation. He was really easily distracted.
Getting Billy into clean clothes, the feeding session messier than usual, I left him with I
rene and carpooled with Aria down to the Desert Protect’s offices. I thought it would be a bit hypocritical for us both to have our own car when we worked for an environmental NGO. Aria agreed, at least to the point of being willing to drive me most places, at least for work purposes. Anything else, and it was something of a toss-up. Good thing bus passes were relatively cheap. Non-profit didn’t mean no income, but there wasn’t a whole lot of that either in those lean days. Not that it mattered. I was mostly doing it for the cause.
Aria parked in her usual spot, and we strode like gangbusters into the office. Few people emboldened me as much as Aria. We had met through friends when I was trying to get away from Jinx’s dad, and we’d been friends ever since.
Aria went back to start her important job as I sat behind the front desk, preparing for another thrilling day of answering phones and fielding appointments and questions. Some of which really could come right out of the clear blue sky.
It was nearing nine when Jinx strolled in, probably on a coffee break from his fancy advertising job. I tried to dismiss it, but the truth was I was really impressed. He had really pulled himself together from where he was the last time I saw him.
I had already stood, trying to get out before Gabe, my boss, could see what was going on. It wasn’t that I didn’t like my boss. He was very likable. The problem was that he liked me a bit too much in a way I wasn’t really able to reciprocate. I had no idea how he would act seeing me around a man.
I froze, my mind immediately going to war with itself. Most of it yelling at me to tell Jinx to fuck off. The other, smaller part — that remembered what we once had — pleading that we should give him a chance. I compromised by staying still and giving my ex my best ‘fuck off’ glare, hoping he would get the message.
Jinx started talking, but I didn’t respond. The angrier part of me was willfully ignoring him until he literally started to yell. I knew I had to put a stop to that if I wanted to keep my job.