I looked up to see Craig winding his way through the crowd. He smiled and waved, and I shuffled closer to Rowan in response.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “About him.”
I wished I could have met Rowan some other way and dragged him home for the best sex of his life and called the next morning to beg to do it all over again.
But despite having left me an insecure, heartbroken wreck, Craig was still managing to ruin my life without really being involved in it. What had I done to deserve this?
“No need to apologize,” Rowan said, shifting beside me and then, to my surprise, easing his arm around my shoulders.
I had to force myself not to shiver at the tingle of pleasure that ran down the back of my neck.
I just wish we could have a few minutes to ourselves without him, I didn’t say. What I wanted most in the world right now was to quietly enjoy being around Rowan as though I was really getting to know someone I liked.
Craig was going to find a way to ruin that, though.
“Gimme your phone,” I said. Rowan passed it over without hesitation, used to me demanding it by now.
I was still making sure to be in at least one photo a day. Rowan already had all the proof he needed to show his worried family, but I didn’t want to make him feel like he wasn’t getting value out of the arrangement anymore. He might have stopped, and I couldn’t handle the thought of that.
This time I buried my face against his neck and took a burst of photos, figuring he’d get a good one out of it.
Rowan's tiny gasp only made me want him more. I remembered him saying it’d been a lot longer than five months for him since he’d last had sex.
I wanted to be the one to break the seal on that.
When I passed the camera back, I caught a glimpse of Craig looking at us out of the corner of his eye. My stomach dropped.
Would he know this meant we were faking it? He knew that wasn’t normal for me, would he think it was just something Rowan liked?
Based on the way he was blushing all over again, it definitely didn’t look like something he was used to.
Panicked, I reached out to Rowan, and as soon as my fingers made contact with his skin, things were okay. I brushed my knuckles against his cheekbone, then the pad of my thumb, taking a gentle hold on his face and tilting it toward me.
Rowan's eyes widened, ice-blue almost swallowed up by black. I couldn’t stop myself staring at him as I leaned in, heart racing in anticipation.
The scent he left on his side of the bed hit me first, a bright rush of familiarity making me smile as I brushed my lips over his, noses bumping as we both tried to find the right angle at the same time. Laughter welled up in my chest, pure, undiluted joy at the softness of his lips, parting eagerly for me.
A choked-off hint of a needy moan from Rowan was all the encouragement I needed, pressing forward harder as heat rushed to my cheeks and… other places, pooling low and tight. There was a whole whirlwind of things I wanted to remember about this and every detail seemed so precious I couldn’t decide what to pay attention to.
It was all over too soon, Rowan pulling back just enough to signal that he wanted me to stop.
Except he didn’t want me to stop. I could see in his glazed eyes and blown pupils and flushed cheeks that stopping was the last thing he wanted.
But we were in public, and we weren’t really dating, and he hadn’t been expecting it.
I understood. He didn’t have to want to make out like teenagers in a crowded bar.
Pressing another soft peck to the corner of his mouth, I pulled back and settled against his side again, heart soaring. Goddamn that felt good.
“Sorry,” I murmured, turning my face into his shoulder, wanting more than ever to be as close as possible. “Craig was looking.”
“I saw,” Rowan said, putting his arm around my shoulder again. The gentle, absentminded stroking of his thumb over the seam of my t-shirt told me he wasn’t mad, or upset.
He’d liked that. Maybe not as much as I did, but…
“No need to apologize,” he repeated, relaxing into the couch cushions and sipping his drink.
Benji smiled shyly at the two of us, offering a tiny wave from beside Craig.
He wasn’t so bad, I thought. Another idiot, like me, caught in Craig’s orbit. I hoped he’d get away.
I waved back, heartbeat slowing as I let the warmth of Rowan's body and the sound of the crowd lull me almost to sleep.
“I’m not carrying you back to the cabin,” Rowan said, but his tone told me he would have if I actually ended up napping.
Craig would have left me there and told me it served me right when I woke up with a crick in my neck and a sore back.
“Just resting my eyes,” I said. “So sleepy.”
“The hops they use to make beer are closely related to marijuana,” Rowan murmured, tightening his grip on me. “They have a similar soporific effect.”
“Soporific effect?” I repeated, teasing. “Breaking out the five-dollar words for little ol’ me?”
“You’re smarter than you pretend to be,” Rowan said, fingers curling into my sleeve. “Smarter, kinder, and a lot more thoughtful.”
Heat rushed to my cheeks again, but I fought the urge to bury my face in Rowan's shoulder entirely. I thought maybe he would have let me, that if I’d pushed my luck now he would have let me have everything I wanted, but I couldn’t be sure he wasn’t just doing this out of obligation.
If I was planning on making a move, I needed to do it in private. That was the only way I could know for sure that he wasn’t just playing along.
“How’d you become an expert on hops?” I asked. The perfect evening, to me, would have been listening to Rowan talk about… anything. Whatever he wanted to say in that soft, gentle voice that he’d never raised above indoor-voice level.
“Dated someone once who was really into microbreweries and spent every Saturday for a month touring them,” he said. “Some of it stuck.”
“You don’t drink beer,” I said, remembering when he’d told me that.
“No. And I didn’t then, either. The sex was absolutely not worth the brewery tours, but…”
But Rowan just dated anyone who’d have him because he didn’t have the self-confidence to go for what he wanted.
Like me. We were a lot more alike once you got past the surface level than either of us had realized at first. Rowan was quiet and I was the world’s most obnoxious extrovert, he didn’t sleep with strangers and I was what someone might politely call a serial monogamist, but underneath that, we had the same insecure, desperate need for a hug and someone to understand us thing going on.
And he understood me. I hoped like hell that he felt like I understood him, too. I hoped he was getting the same warm, fuzzy happiness out of this as I was.
“I promise never to take you on a brewery tour,” I said. As though we were still going to do this after the cruise was over. As though it wasn’t both fake and temporary.
“It’d be more fun with you,” Rowan said. “You wouldn’t take it so seriously.”
I laughed at that. No, I wouldn’t have, but I thought of Rowan as fairly serious. Not about beer, apparently.
“You’re begging me to find a brewery to tour just to mess with you,” I said. Now that I knew it was something he’d done with an ex-boyfriend, I wouldn’t, but that wouldn’t stop me teasing.
“Cruel,” Rowan huffed, breath fluttering through my hair. “I’ve been such a good boyfriend, and this is how you repay me.”
“You have been a good boyfriend,” I said. “Best I’ve ever had.”
I shouldn’t have said that. That was the last thing I should have said.
Rowan knew by now that I hadn’t had the greatest luck with men, he knew what Craig was like, but…
Best boyfriend I’d ever had?
It was true, but it was too much to say. Definitely too much when I wasn’t even brave enough to tell him that I was starting to want this to be r
eal, that I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
That I liked him, and I thought it’d be nice if we made out some more and then went and fooled around in bed a little. Was I still a stranger to him? How well did he need to know someone before he’d sleep with them?
How the hell could I ask?
“Do you have plans for tomorrow?” Rowan asked.
I was right. He was changing the subject because that was too much to hear.
“Rock climbing,” I said. The ship had a double-sided climbing wall, which wasn’t the most exciting thing in the world, but perfect for a beginner. “With Tyler. You’re welcome to come, too.”
Please come with me.
“Little adventurous for me,” Rowan said. “Sounds like fun for you, though.”
“Tyler’s never done it before. Promised him I’d… show him the ropes,” I said, grinning at my own pun. “I’m sure you’d be good at it.”
Rowan laughed. “That’s such a kind thing to say and I’d only end up disappointing you if I tried. No. I think I might have a quiet day and fortify myself for Curaçao.”
“You’re missing out,” I said, knowing by now that it was a lost cause. Rowan didn’t want to come rock climbing with me. I was the micro-brew boyfriend all over again, trying to drag him to things he didn’t enjoy.
“Mm,” Rowan hummed. “I imagine the view of Tyler’s ass will be spectacular.”
That was the other reason I’d been hoping Rowan might come. The view of his ass would have been fantastic. I hadn’t gotten a lot of chances to have a really good look.
“Probably will be,” I said, forcing myself to laugh.
I bet he doesn’t cuddle like you, though.
He probably did. Honestly, Tyler was a nice guy. I liked him, I would have jumped at the chance to be with him—and Andries, if I was really being honest—if I hadn’t met Rowan first.
But I’d seen what I could have, what I wanted to have, and now I couldn’t let it go.
“You wanna go for an early night?” I asked, draining what was left of my beer. “Watch another wildlife documentary, maybe?”
If Rowan wanted quiet, I could do quiet.
“You don’t have to stay in with me,” Rowan said.
I shrugged, careful not to dislodge his arm. “I want to. Fortify myself, like you said.”
“I’d like that,” Rowan murmured. “I like your company.”
11
Rowan
“I thought I might find you here,” Andries said as he strode into the still-abandoned library. “And I thought I should take it upon myself to insist that you see some sunlight today. I thought we might camp out at the bar that overlooks the pool while Lee and Tyler are busy working up a sweat.”
My stomach clenched uncomfortably at the thought of the two of them working up a sweat. Lee was free to do whatever he wanted, of course he was, I didn’t own him and I didn’t want to own him.
But last night he’d fallen asleep leaning against my shoulder, and I couldn’t stop thinking about kissing him.
I wanted him to want to be with me.
“It boasts a stunning view of the rock wall,” Andries added as though he could read my mind.
“Lee doesn’t want me to hover,” I said.
“He invited you to go with them and then complained to Tyler when you refused.” Andries sat down opposite me and started arranging the pieces on the chess board, left in disarray after our last game.
“May I be honest with you?” he asked, righting a castle.
“Of course.”
Had he not been honest with me up to this point?
“I want you to know two things. Firstly, I have seen the way you look at Lee. I heard you declare that you’d spend what must be nearly half the length of time you’ve lived learning a skill you have no personal interest in just to please him, and more importantly, I heard you mean it. Much more sincerely than would be usual for a five-month relationship. Let alone a four-day fake one.”
My stomach bottomed out, the room spinning around my head. How did he know? How could he know?
Andries spun the chess board so the white pieces were on his side and moved a pawn.
“Which brings us to the second thing. I know you think the thing growing so delicately between you isn’t real.”
“It isn’t,” I said, still considering my first move.
“It is,” Andries said. He didn’t insist, he just stated it as a fact, as if it was indisputable. The sun rose in the east, water was wet…
Lee and I had something real between us.
I moved the pawn I’d been meaning to move for a handful of heartbeats.
“And if I had realized before how delicate and new it was I would have approached you both very differently. I apologize for any strain Tyler and I have caused.”
“No,” I said. “No, there’s… nothing to apologize for. But… how did you know…”
“I would never have guessed if Lee hadn’t confessed all to Tyler. I would sincerely never have suspected. But it appears you are not the only one in turmoil over your feelings. And you mustn’t be angry with Lee. He has been very badly hurt.”
“I know,” I said. “I know he has.”
What if I hurt him all over again?
I wasn’t any kind of perfect, after all. I’d been hurt, too. Relationships never seemed worth the pain they ended in, and I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to keep me forever. I was… boring.
No matter how hard I’d tried to leave that at home, it was a fundamental part of who I was. Which was why I was sitting here playing chess instead of rock climbing.
“I don’t think I’m capable of being angry with him.”
“Good,” Andries said, making his next move. “That is exactly what he needs. Your innate gentleness.”
I blinked. No one had ever called me innately gentle before.
“Why are you telling me all this?”
“You remind me of myself, though I was never quite as attractive as you are. Don’t.” He raised a hand to stop me speaking. “There’s no need to flatter me and I am not… what is that phrase? Fishing for compliments?”
“Didn’t think you were.”
He wasn’t the kind of man who needed them. I would have envied his confidence if I could bring myself to dislike anything about him.
Andries smiled wryly as I moved my queen out.
“My point, such as it is,” Andries said, “is that you are not imagining the budding intimacy between you and if you will indulge an old man in his opinions, you ought to act on it.”
“You’re hardly an old man,” I pointed out in the world’s most transparent attempt to avoid the subject.
Andries raised an eyebrow that said, loud and clear, that he wasn’t about to accept my bullshit.
“I intended only to encourage you and I have now done so,” he said, making another move. “Check. Mate in three.”
I looked down at the board, running the possibilities through my mind, and saw that he was right.
“Come outside,” Andries insisted. “As you said, I’m hardly an old man, and you have no cause to spend your life hiding from the world. It will hurt you. It will hurt you over and over and you will simply have to pick yourself up again. You cannot avoid things out of fear of being hurt.”
Andries’ lips were pursed, his face serious when I glanced up again.
Intellectually, I knew he was right. From any kind of distance I could see that I shouldn’t have been afraid of this—or at least, that I shouldn’t have let my fear override everything else.
The way Lee made me feel when he was nearby wasn’t like anything I’d ever felt before. I wanted him. His company, his attention. I wanted it all.
“I could use a drink,” I admitted, standing decisively. “You win.”
The stern look on Andries’ face melted into a proud smile.
“It isn’t about winning and losing,” Andries said. “It’s about growing.”
“I meant the gam
e,” I said, nodding to the chess board.
Andries only smiled again. “That goes double for the game,” he said, leading the way out of the library.
The sun, as promised, was shining, the sea air fresh, the people milling around half-clothed. As we headed toward the deck above the pool, I realized I’d barely noticed that before now.
I’d met Lee before I had a chance to, and I hadn’t cared after that. Which was really all I needed to know. I was blind to everyone else on the ship—everyone else in the world—because I’d already found the brightest star.
We found a pair of lounges by the railing that overlooked the pool and the rock climbing wall, far enough away that I had to identify Lee by the acid green t-shirt he was wearing. Up close, it was so bright it almost hurt to look at, but from this distance it was like a hi-vis vest.
He had his hands on Tyler's waist, guiding him down the last few inches of rock face. We hadn’t ever really finished our conversation about what he planned to do about him, and I wasn’t really sure what Lee intended.
It looked like a friendly touch, one person helping another out, but…
“They seem to be having fun,” Andries said, which didn’t actually help.
They were having fun. Lee was glowing, laughing with Tyler. I wanted him to make better friends—I wanted him to be Tyler's friend—but I couldn’t help the sinking feeling that Tyler was like him, and I wasn’t.
I never would be. I was boring, awkward Rowan who wanted to hide away in the library and still had to be dragged out, no matter how hard I tried. Who liked peace and quiet and had been happiest when Lee had fallen asleep beside me.
Lee wanted someone to go rock climbing with. Even if I’d agreed to it to make him happy, I would have disappointed him when I couldn’t do it.
“I’ll get drinks,” I responded, standing. “Dry white? Same as yesterday?”
“Please,” Andries said. “And Rowan?”
“You might note that Tyler is also climbing that wall,” he said. “And you and I are sitting under an umbrella watching, and yet we have had five happy years of marriage despite not being identical people. Our differences are irrelevant. Like two pieces of a puzzle, you can’t put them together if they’re the same shape.”
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