I winced at being so transparent.
The things Andries was saying were true for him and Tyler, but could they be true for me? For Lee?
I didn’t know the answer to that, and I wasn’t sure how to go about finding out.
12
Lee
Happy and exhausted in equal parts after a long rock climbing session, my heart lit up as I saw Rowan waving shyly at me across the deck, sitting back with Andries.
Tyler strode ahead of me, swooping in and greeting his husband with a kiss, and something in my chest ached.
I wanted to do that with Rowan. Skip right past all the awkward bullshit and go straight to being embarrassingly clingy in public.
I could, I supposed. Andries still thought we were together, didn’t he? That was as good an excuse as any.
Decision made, my stomach dropped to somewhere around my knees, excitement thrumming as I ducked down as well, cupping Rowan's cheek and just kissing the corner of his mouth, not brave enough for anything more.
“He knows,” Rowan said softly as I sat down next to him.
Oh no.
Of course Tyler had told him. They shared everything, and it wasn’t as though Andries was likely to spill our secret to the wrong person.
“I’m not angry,” Rowan added.
I swallowed.
Right. Obviously. That was two less people he had to pretend in front of.
Now it was just Craig and Benji.
“Well, you make a handsome couple,” Andries said. “Temporary or otherwise.”
Neither of them seemed to be upset about the lie, which was just as well. I hadn’t made a new friend in a long time, and now I’d made three, and I didn’t want to lose any of them.
But if I was being honest, I especially didn’t want to lose Rowan. I’d had fun today, even without him, but…
I’d missed him. Which was stupid, we’d only known each other a handful of days.
Being stupid had never stopped me before, though. Right now, sitting close enough to him to feel the heat of his body, I felt at peace. I was relieved. There was something so comforting about him, so soothing.
I’d never known anyone like that before.
“Sorry, I must smell awful,” I said, not making any attempt to move away.
“I’ll leave the first shower to you,” Rowan said tactfully. “You look like you could use a drink. It’s probably my turn to go. Tyler? Andries?”
I sat back as Rowan took drink orders, letting my eyes fall closed for a moment as he brushed past me, imagining him sweeping down to kiss my forehead—or my lips, if he was feeling particularly brave and affectionate. Maybe tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
Was that pathetic? I didn’t care anymore. I just wanted.
Not complaining to Tyler about it all day had taken every ounce of willpower I had.
“Don’t open your eyes,” Tyler said. “But he’s looking back at you.”
“He is not,” I said.
“He is,” Andries confirmed. “Tilt your head back a little further. You have a lovely neck and it won’t hurt you to show it off.”
I laughed, head tilting back automatically, some of the empty, needy feeling in the pit of my stomach easing off. “I don’t actually need seduction tips,” I said. “He won’t respond to them.”
“Are you so sure?” Andries asked. “Or are you afraid he might and uncertain what to do if he does?”
That made me open my eyes and look over at the two of them.
“Kinda hurts watching you pine after him,” Tyler said. “I’m sad and I’m not even the one who wants him. Well.” He paused, glancing over at Rowan. “I won’t pretend I don’t see the appeal. But I’ve got one like that,” he added, resting his head against Andries’ shoulder.
I liked them—I adored them, honestly, even though we’d only known each other a few days—but for a white-hot second of envy, I hated them. They had…
What they had was what I wanted. A happy, settled, easy relationship that they both felt secure in. So secure, in their case, that they didn’t mind occasionally seeing other people.
It wasn’t all the time, Tyler had told me. Flings, experiments with friends, the occasional partner swap.
They seemed happy, but I didn’t think I could have done it. I was a one-man guy.
And the one man I wanted was Rowan.
The thought of not having him hurt, but the thought of having him…
Andries was right. I was afraid of what happened after.
“He doesn’t want me,” I said, willing myself to believe it this time. Rowan was shy, and he was reserved, but I didn’t think he was completely uninterested.
We could take it slow. I was so okay with taking it slow if that was what he wanted. If I knew we were working toward something, I’d take it one little touch at a time for as long as he wanted.
Andries snorted. “You are not a stupid man and I don’t see why you should behave as though you are,” he said.
It should have hurt, but it didn’t. Not with the kindness in his eyes.
I imagined a lot of people had misunderstood Andries over the course of his life. But Tyler, clearly, had seen him for what he was. A kind, gentle man who was a little awkward, a little blunt, and maybe even a little boring to some people.
Rowan wasn’t blunt the way Andries was, but… Tyler was right. He already had one like that. Rowan and Andries weren’t so different.
And Tyler and Andries were so happy.
“What if Craig’s right about me?” I said.
That was what I was really worried about. That what Craig had said about me was true, that I was fine in bed but no one in their right mind would marry me.
It wasn’t that I wanted Rowan to marry me, but I also didn’t want him to say the same thing in six months. Or a year. Or three years.
I couldn’t take it. Coming from Craig, I was getting over it. But coming from Rowan, it’d be true. If he said the same thing, it’d be because there really was something wrong with me.
“He isn’t,” Tyler assured. “I haven’t met him, but I have met you. You’re a sweetheart and anyone would be lucky to have you.”
“He needs a nudge,” Andries said. “You have to allow him to tell you he wants you. Give him the opportunity. Treat him gently and he will blossom like a summer rose for you.”
Even Tyler raised an eyebrow at that. Andries patted his knee. “You require a more direct approach, dear. Rowan is uncertain of himself and unconvinced of his charms. But worth the trouble, I’d wager.”
“He is,” I said, sure it was true. I’d always regret it if I didn’t try.
Now I just had to work out how.
13
Rowan
I ran a hand through my hair as I heard the shower shut off, still pacing up and down the small cabin like an animal in a cage.
Andries had told me Lee and Tyler planned to meet up to go out tonight, and I knew I was running out of time.
Tyler was a good man, a kind man, the man Lee deserved. I should have been happy for him.
But the idea of losing my chance with him made panic well up in my gut. Maybe I wasn’t as good a match, maybe I didn’t deserve him, but I wanted him.
My chest hurt when I thought about how much I wanted him. When I remembered that first morning, waking up with him wrapped around me and feeling so good about it. So special. As though, for once in my life, I’d been chosen.
I wanted Lee to choose me. Just once, I wanted to be someone’s first choice.
The bathroom door creaked open, Lee still toweling his hair off as he stepped out in a cloud of steam.
“Rowan?” he frowned, eyes soft with concern. “Are you okay? You look… worried.”
“I, umm…”
It was now or never, wasn’t it? In a few moments Lee would dress in something other than his sleep t-shirt and low-slung sweatpants, and then he’d leave, and my chance would leave with him.
I had to say something, and I
had to say it now.
Lee watched me, soft, dark eyes searching my face.
“I…”
I paused to swallow, searching for words I hadn’t planned out, knowing before I even spoke that I was going to choose the wrong ones.
“Andries told me you were going out with Tyler tonight,” I said, feeling the same stone fall into my stomach as I had when he’d first said it. A sudden weight in my stomach, the push I’d needed to realize how badly I’d regret it if I didn’t say something to Lee, admit that I wanted more from him.
“He did?” Lee raised an eyebrow.
I nodded, hands trembling with nerves. I had to say what I meant to say before I lost my chance entirely, but the fear that Lee would reject me—not shout, not laugh, but gently let me down, kind doe eyes soft and comforting as he told me he was very flattered but not at all interested…
That fear stood in front of me like an impassable mountain range. And we’d already established that rock climbing wasn’t one of my top skills.
“He did,” I agreed. “And I… the thing is, I don’t… want you to.”
Lee's eyebrow crept higher. “You don’t?” he asked.
“No.” I paused, taking a deep breath, grateful to Lee for giving me the time to gather my thoughts. “Because I want… I mean, I’d like it if you, umm. Stayed here. With me?” I said, my otherwise low voice pitching to a squeak toward the end.
Lee stopped drying his hair, the towel clenched in his fingers halfway to his head, eyes wide and lips slack.
Was I making a mistake?
“Or we could go out, I am actually capable of existing in the world after eight o’clock,” I said in a rush. “I just want it to be… us. Alone. For once. Because I…”
My throat closed up as I tried to force out I like you or I want to be with you or any other phrase that might tell Lee how I felt. How I really felt.
“Rowan,” Lee said, taking a step toward me.
This was it. The gentle rejection I’d been afraid of.
I couldn’t breathe past my heart pounding in my throat. This was why I didn’t do relationships. These moments where everything hung in the balance and it could all go terribly wrong.
Another step. He was only inches away from me now, close enough that I could see the tiny beauty spot under his left eye, make out the details of the scar through his right brow.
“I was never—”
Never going to be interested in you, never serious about the times I kissed you, never going to feel the same way you feel about all this.
“—going anywhere with Tyler tonight.”
The words took a few moments to filter through my thick skull.
What?
What?
“But Andries said…”
A soft, wonderful smile broke over Lee's face and I forgot that I couldn’t breathe for a moment.
“A nudge,” Lee murmured. “He told me you needed a nudge. Guess he gave you one.”
A nudge?
“So there was no…”
“Date? No. Tyler's my friend, but… I’m not interested. Told him that on the first day. He took it so well I wonder if he was ever serious.”
He had been serious, I thought. Just so at ease with himself that he could handle rejection the way a duck handled water.
“I’d like to stay in with you, though,” he said, a slow smile spreading over his face.
I grunted as my back hit the wall, Lee’s body pressed against me, warm and solid, sending a rush of arousal flooding through me, making my head spin and my stomach tighten.
His mouth was impossibly hot, his thumb on my chin prying my lips apart, clever tongue swiping along the inside of the lower one until I shivered against him.
This is happening, I thought. This is real.
Lee purred into my mouth, brushing our noses together as he teased me, keeping his lips just a hair’s breadth away from mine, so close I could almost taste them, but not quite.
Blood rushed in my ears.
Lee was kissing me.
A handful of heartbeats, and then another kiss, the scrape of teeth, Lee pressed against me shoulder to hip. A jolt of arousal went straight to my cock as he bit down, a playful nip that made me gasp as he backed off.
Pupils blown, lips slack, lashes lowered, Lee was prettier than he’d ever been.
“I’ve been dying to do that,” he murmured, kissing the corner of my mouth, nuzzling my jaw.
“Oh,” I said belatedly, head spinning at the surprise and the rush of blood.
“Oh?” Lee paused, pulling back just far enough to meet my eyes. “That’s all you’ve got?”
“I’m processing,” I said. I hadn’t been kissed in a long time. Definitely not like this.
“Do you need me to slow down?” Lee asked. “Because I can wait, I’m not planning on pushing for anything you’re not ready for.”
Of course he wasn’t. Because whatever else Lee was, he was a good man, kind and thoughtful, and I was lucky to know him at all.
“I’m ready,” I said, and I hadn’t realized it until the words were out.
I shouldn’t have been. Previous experience told me it took weeks to warm up to new people—if I ever warmed up to them at all—but I’d spent so much time with Lee already that it felt as though it’d been years. Like I’d been waiting for this for a lifetime.
I’d already woken up beside him and gone for walks holding his hand and kissed him in public.
If anything, we’d skipped the step where we started having sex. We had to backtrack to get there.
I was so, so glad I’d left the Rowan who wouldn’t have done any of that back on the shore in New York. He wouldn’t have been having nearly as much fun now.
The hand on my chest slipped away, curling around my fingers a moment later.
“Bed,” Lee said decisively, tugging me over.
I got as far as kicking my shoes off before the rest felt like too much effort, collapsing onto the mattress as Lee pulled me down with him, laughing as he pushed me back so I was leaning against the headboard and straddled my hips.
“Hi,” he murmured. “Come here often?”
“Well,” I began, wetting my lips nervously. “I was coming every morning, but then you caught me.”
Lee laughed, his warm, dark eyes glittering. “I’d almost forgotten about that,” he said. “It’d be so hot if you were thinking about me.”
“I was,” I admitted. “But I felt guilty so I tried not to.”
Lee lit up again, delight written all over his features. “You have my full permission to think about me while you jerk off from now on.”
He leaned down to kiss me again, my heart clenching with a sudden wave of affection for him. Not lust, not desperate need, just the urge to be closer, to make him laugh and gasp and sigh because I liked it so much when he did that.
“Tell me to stop if it’s too much,” Lee whispered against my lips. “I don’t want you to feel pressured.”
I appreciated the thought, but I couldn’t think of anything I didn’t want right now.
“I don’t need you to stop,” I said, surprised at how true it was. “I need you to keep going.”
Lee laughed again, a low chuckle that rumbled in my chest where he was pressed against me. “You’re perfect,” he murmured.
“You haven’t seen me naked yet,” I pointed out.
“Don’t need to.” He kissed my lips again, then my chin, then nipped at my throat. “I don’t… care. About any of that. I thought I did, but… I can’t stop thinking about you,” he said, glancing up at me again.
This time he looked desperate, and I had no idea how to react to that except to grab it with both hands.
The stubble of his cheek was rough under my thumb as I reached out to stroke it, a sudden jolt of arousal making my stomach clench at the long-forgotten sensation of touching someone like this. His skin smelled of soap, but his mouth tasted of the lime wedge he’d been sucking on earlier, the sharp sweetness still
lingering on his palate.
A needy sound caught in the back of his throat as I slipped my free hand under the hem of his t-shirt, splaying my fingers over the soft skin of his side, tickling under his ribs to make him laugh into my mouth.
I wanted to make Lee laugh. I wanted to make him happy. The happiest he’d ever been.
“I don’t need you to take it slow,” I gasped between kisses. “I need you to tell me this is what you want.”
Lee sighed, resting his forehead against mine, breathing deeply. For a moment I could hear both of our heartbeats, mine pounding in my ears and Lee's thumping in his chest, just as fast, just as excited, and everything was perfect.
“I want this,” Lee said, pulling back again to look me in the eyes. “I want you.”
I pulled him in for another kiss, moaning low and needy in the depths of my chest, shoving my free hand further up to push his t-shirt out of the way. It’d been so long since I was skin-to-skin with another person, and I couldn’t ever remember wanting it more than I did with Lee.
He laughed again, sitting up to pull his shirt off over his head, hands falling on my buttons as soon as he’d tossed it aside, fingers clumsy but enthusiastic as he tugged them open, swearing under his breath.
I surged up to keep kissing him while he slid his warm hands into my shirt, tipping him into my lap, shoving my own hand past the waistband of his sweatpants to grab a handful of his gorgeous ass.
Lee gasped, giggling in surprise, kissing me harder as I squeezed him.
“I thought you were shy,” he said, pushing my open shirt off my shoulders, the rolled-up sleeves catching and making him growl as he tried to push it all the way off.
“In the beginning,” I said. “In the beginning I’m very shy.”
“We’re not in the beginning anymore, are we?” Lee asked, searching my face.
I shook my head. No. No, this firmly marked the start of the middle.
“What’re you like after the beginning?” he asked.
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