Cruising

by Sean Ashcroft

  Why would someone like Lee, the stunningly beautiful life of the party, want someone like me? Even the improved, vacation version of Rowan was a reserved homebody compared to him.

  “I know so,” Andries insisted. I was still marveling at his confidence.

  If he’d been seriously interested, he could have had Lee. Despite the age gap, despite everything. He did have Tyler, who wasn’t identical to Lee, but wasn’t so different.

  Whereas it was a miracle I’d been brave enough to tell him I was interested at all.

  Lee picked that moment to approach, wrapping his arms around me from behind and tucking his chin over my shoulder.

  Peace washed over me like one of the waves lapping at the bough of the ship as the warmth of his body sank into my back. “Can we go to breakfast now?” he asked. “I’m starving.”

  My stomach growled in response. I’d woken in desperate need of coffee, but I hadn’t wanted to complain, and when Lee had invited me on his morning walk I couldn’t say no.

  Andries patted me on the shoulder and left us to it, going to stand by Tyler.

  I linked my fingers with Lee's, looking out at the island ahead of us.

  “No regrets?” I asked. This morning had been like any other, almost as though last night hadn’t happened, and I needed to know. Needed to hear that it was real, and Lee was all right with it in the cold—or in our case, warm—light of day.

  “None,” Lee said, nuzzling my neck. “Not even arranging to go on a walking tour after a day of rock climbing and then riding you like it was my last night on Earth. My legs are killing me, but that’s a great excuse to lean on you.”

  “Could’ve leaned on me anyway.”

  “I know that now,” Lee said. “Wasn’t really sure about the huge crush you have on me until last night. Figured it was just wishful thinking.”

  “Crush isn’t the most dignified way to put it,” I said, ears heating up.

  Lee snorted. “It’s true, though.”

  He was right. It was true, and if I’d thought last night would somehow make it better, I’d been wrong. All I had now was an even more intense crush and what felt like the beginning of a new relationship, both things that made me feel like I’d swallowed a whole jar of live butterflies.

  “If it makes you feel better, I feel the same way,” he continued. “Still thinking about how good you feel in bed.”

  “Do you want me to die of embarrassment?” I asked, cheeks burning as blood rushed to them.

  “No,” Lee kissed the back of my neck, then let go of me and moved to stand beside me. “Always wanna see you blush, though.”

  “It’s not hard to make me do that,” I said. “I mean, I wish I could tell you I save it all for you, but…”

  “It’s cute,” Lee said. “You’re cute.”

  “Cute?”

  “I don’t make the rules,” Lee grinned. “You look all cool and aloof and untouchable, but it only takes one sincere compliment to make you blush and nibble your lip and glance up from under your eyelashes and it’s adorable. I can’t believe no one else has seen that.”

  “I don’t get a lot of sincere compliments,” I said.

  “You’re hanging out with the wrong people.” Lee reached out, taking my hand. “Come on. Breakfast.”

  Curaçao—which I was definitely not pronouncing any better than Lee was—turned out to be the perfect island paradise. The hot sun beating down tempered by sea winds, sweat on the back of my neck evaporating as soon as it formed. Or occasionally being licked off by an affectionate Lee.

  Before, we’d been pretending, and I realized now that he’d been keeping a respectful distance.

  Now that he didn’t feel like he had to do that anymore, Lee was knitted to me like a shadow. I should have hated it, but I couldn’t remember ever being happier in my life.

  “Blackbeard came here,” Lee said, waving out at the harbor. “No one thinks of these islands as especially pirate-y, but the whole Caribbean used to be crawling with them. It wasn’t just Nassau.”

  He hadn’t been kidding about his love of pirates. Lee's knowledge had proven practically encyclopedic, and I knew he was sparing me most of the finer points. He’d clearly forgotten more about them than I’d ever known, and I’d thought I was the nerd between the two of us.

  If nothing else, this trip had taught me that appearances could be very deceiving.

  “You can probably blame those movies for that,” I said.

  “Well, they’re not here to defend themselves, so I’m okay with making them into a scapegoat.” Lee grinned, taking my hand. “Come on. We’ve got a whole town to see.”

  “Are you sure you’re all right to walk all that way?”

  Lee laughed. “I’ve had sex before,” he said. “And been just fine the next day. I’m not gonna break.”

  I knew that. Of course I knew that. I’d never bottomed, but I’d also never particularly worried about my partners, either.

  Lee was different. I kept telling myself that I wanted to protect him because I’d seen how unkind his ex was, but…

  Maybe I just wanted to protect him. Because that was who I was as a partner.

  I didn’t realize I’d stopped walking until Lee turned back to look at me, brows drawn together.

  The urge to kiss him hit me like a speeding train. I wouldn’t normally have even held hands with anyone in public, and here I was, desperate to kiss someone I’d only known a handful of days right here in the street with dozens of people around us.

  That was the thing. Lee was different, no matter what else I tried to convince myself of. It was terrifying. Control over the situation and my feelings was slipping out of my grasp and the worst part, the absolute worst part was that I wasn’t even interested in trying to get it back.

  “Rowan?” Lee nudged, squeezing my hand to bring me back to the real world.

  The real world where his hand fit into mine like it’d been made for it. The real world where my heart sped up a little every time I looked at him.

  My body moved before my brain fully engaged, darting forward to peck him on the lips. A chaste kiss by any measure, but one that made my whole body thrum with pleasure and satisfaction until a wave of relief washed over me.

  I needed to be near him and I was starting to hate it when I wasn’t. Even at no more than arm’s length, he was too far away from me.

  Lee laughed as our noses bumped together, a happy, bubbling sound that I’d never get enough of. He squeezed my fingers again, and brushed a kiss over my cheek.

  “If you start the foreplay now you’re gonna hate yourself for having to wait all day,” he murmured in my ear. When he pulled back his eyes were sparkling, laughter and lust mixed in equal parts.

  I opened my mouth to tell him that this wasn’t foreplay, that I didn’t just want him for sex, that it wasn’t like that and I didn’t know what had come over me but I just needed to kiss him, but raised voices over his shoulder caught my attention instead.

  “You know what? Fuck you,” Benji spat at Craig. My stomach swooped with fear for him, tiny, clearly upset Benji standing up to a man who could have crushed him one-handed.

  Craig stared at him, mouth hanging open.

  So did a lot of other people.

  “I’m not a toy,” he continued. “I have thoughts and feelings of my own. I don’t exist to make you happy and the sex really isn’t good enough to let you get away with it anymore.”

  “Benji—” Craig began, but cut himself off when the most venomous glare I’d ever seen was shot his way by a seriously upset Benji. Tears shone in his eyes, but he looked determined not to let them fall.

  “No,” he said. “We’re done. Don’t talk to me.”

  Craig’s gaze swung right to Lee, who shuffled minutely closer to me. For a tense moment, I imagined him coming over here, taking his obvious rage out on Lee, and being powerless to stop him.

  All the same, I edged my way in front of Lee. Just the tiniest bit. Just enough to show that h
e wasn’t an easy target, that there was someone here to protect him.

  Warm fingers squeezing mine told me I was doing the right thing.

  Benji looked over next, then at Craig, then turned his back and strode over to the two of us, steps measured, tears still welling up in his eyes.

  Barely holding it together.

  I wanted to hug him, but I didn’t get a chance before Lee stepped in and held his arms open, wrapping them tightly around Benji even as Craig watched.

  I couldn’t see Lee’s face, but I knew from Craig’s expression that he was levelling another dangerous glare at him.

  Benji might not have been a rocket scientist, but he didn’t deserve to be treated badly, either. I was starting to think Craig was incapable of treating people any other way.

  “How the fuck did you put up with that for three years?” Benji asked, sniffing against Lee’s shoulder. “I know I’m not the smartest man in the world but I’ve never been called stupid so many times in so few days.”

  The faintest stirring of guilt made my stomach twist. Benji wasn’t stupid, and he definitely didn’t deserve to be called that by someone he was supposed to be having fun with.

  “I know,” Lee said softly. “Believe me, I know.”

  “God, I’m sorry,” Benji pulled back just far enough to look Lee in the eyes, but didn’t let go of him. “I shouldn’t be running to you, you barely know me and you don’t owe me anything. I just… you were there, and I like you, and…”

  “It’s okay,” Lee soothed. “I like you, too. So does Rowan. And I know what you’re getting away from.”

  “Yeah.” Benji bit his lip, letting go of Lee reluctantly.

  “Hang out with us today,” he offered.

  Kind-hearted. That was one of the thousand things I liked about him. He hadn’t even hesitated to pull Benji into a hug, and now he was offering to take care of him, give him someone to hang out with after a breakup.

  I didn’t know a lot about those, but I could see how upset Benji was and I wanted to make him feel better, too.

  “I can’t do that,” Benji said, looking at me. “You’re probably going on some adorable date…”

  “We’re going on a walking tour,” Lee said, gripping Benji’s shoulder. “And we’d love the company. When Rowan gets sick of me giving him a history lesson, I can tell you all about it.”

  Benji’s face brightened. He really was pretty when he smiled.

  Not as attractive to me as Lee, but then I cared more about Lee’s heart than his face.

  “If you’re sure?” Benji asked, looking over at me.

  “Of course,” I said, stepping forward to join the two of them. Benji needed someone to look after him, and we were the only option. “Lee’s promised me more of these incredible brightly-colored buildings.”

  “I like them a lot,” Benji said. “I wanna live in a coral house one day.”

  “That sounds awesome,” Lee said, completely sincere. “Coral’s such a happy color.”

  “Right?” Benji enthused, tears completely gone except for the tracks they’d left down his face. “Maybe I’ll start with a couple of throw pillows, though.”

  “Definitely get coral throw pillows,” Lee encouraged. “You’ll never have to deal with Craig again.”

  “How is he such an asshole?” Benji asked as Lee started to lead us both away. I walked a pace behind them, watching him wrap an arm around Benji’s shoulders for comfort and not feeling even the slightest pang of jealousy.

  He glanced back at me, and smiled, and my heart fluttered. Lee was a good man.

  One of the best I’d ever met, I thought.

  I was at serious risk of falling hopelessly in love with him.

  16

  Lee

  “Is that a cannonball?” Benji asked, pointing up at one of the walls of the inner courtyard of Fort Amsterdam—built by the Dutch West India Company, which wasn’t nearly as famous as the East India Company and a little more fascinating to me because of it.

  “It is,” I said, grinning at him. He was a different person when he was away from Craig. Enthusiastic and eager to learn, always ready with a bright smile.

  I couldn’t help seeing a younger version of myself in him. Desperate to please, afraid of showing too much personality in case it made him less likeable.

  “Fired by William Bligh’s men, from the harbor. That’s the William Bligh—”

  “Of the Bounty, right? With the mutiny?” Benji asked.

  Smarter than he looked, then. Or not smarter, and it wasn’t really fair to categorize people as smart or not smart, anyway. But he’d obviously absorbed one or two things about history, either before now or while he’d been out here.

  “That’s the one,” I said. “Pre-mutiny, though.”

  “Wow.” Benji stared at the still-embedded cannonball for a handful of seconds. “Wonder why they left it there.”

  Lots of reasons came to mind—structural integrity, the ball being stuck too tight to pry it out, sheer laziness that’d eventually turned into tradition…

  “Probably so we could stand here two hundred years later and ask that question,” I joked, fanning my face with my hat. I was glad I’d brought it along after all. Craig always said I looked stupid in it, but Rowan hadn’t said a thing.

  Benji looked at me, confused for a second, but then smiled.

  He was very pretty. I could see what Craig saw in him, but I was glad he’d seen through him so quickly. Much faster than me. He deserved better than Craig.

  Maybe I was the idiot. After all, Benji had only lasted a handful of days with him. I’d lasted three years.

  “You’re so lucky,” Benji said before I had a chance to think of anything. “To have Rowan, I mean.”

  “I am,” I agreed. He’d gone to grab water, now that the tour was over and all three of us were exhausted. I couldn’t wait to sit down in a darkened, ideally air-conditioned bakery and sip something cold over a late lunch.

  “He’s so handsome,” Benji said. “And so kind. And he clearly loves you so much. Where do I find someone like him?”

  “Not sure,” I admitted. I couldn’t exactly tell Benji how Rowan and I had really met, could I? “I think he’s one of a kind.”

  Benji sighed dramatically. “Can you ask him if he’s got a gay brother?”

  “Who’s got a gay brother?” Rowan asked, appearing behind us and passing me and Benji a bottle of water each, squeezing my shoulder warmly.

  “Benji’s wondering if you do,” I said. I was pretty sure Rowan didn’t have any brothers, gay or otherwise.

  “Ah, no. I do have a bisexual brother-in-law, but he’s married with two kids to my sister, so… probably off the market.”

  Benji sighed again. “Guess I should… head back to the ship, maybe,” he said, crestfallen.

  “Or you could come to lunch with us,” I said in a rush, glancing at Rowan to make sure he didn’t mind and finding him pouring water down his throat, Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed and swallowed without a breath.

  … which was kind of hot, and a skill I was thinking about making use of later.

  “We’re meeting a couple of friends, I’m sure you’d be welcome,” I added.

  If he was looking for better prospects… Andries and Tyler were a good option. And they were clearly looking for someone, too.

  Couldn’t hurt to introduce them, right?

  “I’d like that,” Benji told his feet. “If you’re sure?”

  “Positive,” I said. “C’mon, it should only be like a block away.”

  Benji followed without a word of complaint, chattering instead about how all the Dutch colonial architecture made it feel like stepping back in time, and how he wondered if this was what Amsterdam would look like and how he’d always wanted to see it because it sounded like a lot of fun.

  I couldn’t wait to introduce him to Andries. Maybe he’d be able to pronounce Curaçao properly.

  Still couldn’t figure out what part I was gett
ing wrong, although Tyler had confided to me that he was getting it wrong, too, but Andries didn’t actually care and had just been teasing.

  Like Rowan, his sense of humor took a little getting used to. Now that I was used to it, though, I planned on staying in touch long after this cruise was over.

  Without Craig in my life I’d been floating aimlessly, unanchored. All my friendships had been tied up in my relationship with him, and when he’d walked out on me I’d been left with nothing but work and the stray tabby who I kept feeding but insisted wasn’t my cat.

  Now I had Rowan, and Andries, and Tyler, and maybe I’d have Benji, too, if Craig hadn’t poisoned him against me so far. That was a surprise, honestly. I would have been less shocked if Benji refused to speak to me.

  But here he was, enjoying the sunshine and telling me all about his less than glamourous life as a bartender but how he’d won a few mixology awards in his time and he wished he understood the whole thing better, and even I was falling for him a little.

  Andries and Tyler were sitting by the window of a quaint bakery practically hidden by the shade of a gnarled, ancient tree I couldn’t hope to identify.

  “I see you’ve picked up a souvenir on your tour,” Andries said, looking Benji up and down.

  Benji stared openly at him, mouth hanging open and eyes shining.

  “This is Benji,” I said, nudging him. I’d seen him sitting on Craig’s lap and I could so easily picture him sitting in Andries’, being petted and cooed over. “He’s…”

  “Thrilled to meet you,” he said, offering his hand to Andries before I could say anything else.

  I smiled to myself. Good. I’d been right to bring him here.

  “Lee and Rowan have a talent for running across charming people,” Andries said, shuffling over and pulling an extra chair over for Benji to sit beside him.

  Tyler grinned at me across the table as I settled on Benji’s other side.

  “Rowan, you look like a man in desperate need of a decent cup of coffee,” Andries added, clearly in his element. “And this is Tove,” he continued, waving his friend, the baker, over. “And they make the best coffee in the whole Caribbean, in my opinion.”