Changes

by Michael Diettrich-Chastain

  1) Is your current level of engagement in your work high, moderate, or low? Describe what inspires and engages you as well as what drains your energy.

  2) What are three values you share with your company? There are many values to choose from. Examples include:

  Meaningful feedback

  Teamwork

  Opportunity for learning

  Cause-based work

  Aesthetics of workplace

  Quality of product or service

  Consistent financial growth opportunity

  3) What are three values you and your company don’t share?

  4) List three things that you take part in that inspire you?

  5) What can you change in your environment to build more inspiration?

  6) What action will you take to influence your environment?

  17

  The Best Listener at Work

  Most of us understand the importance of good communication skills, but all too often we forget that half of good communication is good listening. Think of your workplace. Think of all the people you encounter throughout the day: customers, clients, boss, co-workers, etc. You probably have a variety of feelings about all of these people. I bet you can remember the ones who are good listeners. I also bet you know how you feel when someone is truly present with you and shows that you have his or her attention. Doesn’t it feel good to know that your voice has found an audience? Given the power of this feeling, it’s a wonder that listening skills aren’t more of a focus in and out of our workplaces. They are powerful skills to build.

  In the fast-paced, high-demand jobs so many of us have these days, good listening skills, unfortunately, have become something of a novelty. Our time is precious because of ever-impending deadlines, constant distractions, and the general stress that pervades the workplace. If you commit to being a better listener at work, you will likely notice some of these challenges subside.

  So, how might listening skills impact your workplace environment or any environment for that matter? Consider your experience now. Do you feel heard at work? What do you notice about people who are sincerely present with you when you are speaking, as opposed to those who are anxious to move on to the next task or are simply waiting for their turn to speak? When someone is really present with you, it makes communication easier. You may feel more connected, more at ease. You’re also more likely to get your message across clearly. Good listening skills reduce miscommunication.

  Think of the best listener you know. What if you were that kind of expert listener for everyone else? How would it impact your workplace experience if co-workers knew that when they spoke to you, they could count on you to pay close attention to them? What if they knew that they could count on you to not misinterpret, misread, manipulate, or otherwise misconstrue their message?

  Excellent listening skills go a long way, particularly if you are a leader. Being able to communicate, understand, and connect with your employees is a crucial component of effective leadership. According to a study in The Journal of Occupational Health, it was concluded that “… psychological stress reactions were lower in subordinates who worked under supervisors with high listening skills.”69

  In another study cited by the journal, Small Group Research, results indicated “… that emergent leaders typically display more effective listening skills than other members.”70

  The research on the positive effects of good listening skills supports what I have consistently found to be true in my business consulting work. Leaders often ask me how to support their team. I respond to their question with one of my own, “How often do you ask your employees the following kinds of questions?”

  What can I do to support your success?

  What feedback would be most helpful for you?

  What feedback can you offer me on my leadership?

  How is my leadership either boosting your success or impeding it?

  How well am I communicating or leading? What would make either one more effective for you?

  Leaders are surprised when they discover how a simple intervention, such as asking better questions, can be so effective at resolving complex problems. Even though this is a simple change in behavior, any new way of approaching situations takes regular practice. (Stay tuned. You’ll have the chance to do so at the end of this chapter.)

  Over the years, I’ve witnessed a vast array of positive changes when leaders start asking these questions with consistency and sincerity. These questions offer the opportunity to engage in active listening and lead to productive conversations. Furthermore, this kind of dialogue directly engages employees, and as we discussed last chapter, engaged employees stick around and work more productively.

  These kinds of questions are not limited to leadership or your work environment. Asking questions that convey your curiosity to others can be a great way to practice your listening skills. If this is a new strategy for you, my advice is to start with what and how questions because open-ended questions allow people the freedom to express whatever’s on their mind. If being curious isn’t your default, don’t fret: you can cultivate curiosity through practice. By asking open-ended questions of others more regularly, you will soon see the benefits. The more people feel that they are being listened to and that their input is valued, the more value they will add.

  A good strategy for remembering how to cultivate curiosity comes from a counseling orientation called Motivational Interviewing. This strategy is called OARS.71 The acronym stands for:

  Open-ended questions – asking questions that cannot be answered with a mere Yes or No.

  Affirmation – authentically acknowledging a part of the story that you understand, agree with, empathize with, or otherwise connect to.

  Reflection – checking in for clarification as well as encouraging further explanation.

  Summary – offer a recap of what you’ve heard, not verbatim, but a basic summary of the main points.

  Developing our ability to listen will impact all of our environments. Here are three more tips to improve your listening skills.

  1) FOCUS

  We sometimes get caught up in how we are going to respond to something while the other person is still speaking. Prematurely thinking of what to say next reduces your ability to thoroughly process what someone is saying. Attending to what someone is saying, without simultaneously focusing on how to respond, will create stronger communication. Remain focused on the present moment and thoroughly digest what is being said.

  2) BREATHE

  Often in the workplace (and in many environments) we are moving at what feels like a million miles a minute. This frantic pace minimizes our ability to fully take in information presented at any given juncture. Take a few moments to consciously breathe as you converse with someone. This practice will help you to be more present and process what they are saying more effectively. Before you speak, or when you are feeling overwhelmed, stop and take a deep breath. This may sound trivial, but this small step can do wonders. By reducing your stress and increasing your capacity to be in the present, you increase your ability to communicate. If you need additional help in slowing down and staying present, revisit the section on Nourishment and apply what you learned about mindfulness to the development of your listening skills.

  3) WAIT

  Our immediate default in conversation is to fill silence. I suggest resisting this urge. Even if you have something to say, by waiting a couple of extra seconds (or perhaps many), you allow for more ideas to flow on either end. This may sound obvious, but when you ask someone a question, it’s important to give them time to respond. This means not jumping in to answer for them while they’re formulating their ideas. We don’t all process information at the same speed. Our discomfort with a sustained pause often disrupts those that may need a couple extra moments to gather their thoughts. Having good listening skills requires patience, and getting comfortable with silence is part of the drill.

  CHAPTER 17 ACTIVITY

  For the next couple
of weeks, test some of the behaviors listed above. After you’ve had the opportunity to track your progress, reflect on what worked and what came most naturally to you. For noticeable results, you may have to practice one, two, or all three behaviors, at least 4 times a week for three weeks.

  After you’ve practiced, answer the following questions:

  How did the behaviors work, if they worked at all?

  What did you learn?

  How did you practice each behavior?

  How long did you practice each new behavior?

  Test your results. After a few weeks of practice, ask a few co-workers the following question:

  HOW CAN I IMPROVE MY ABILITY TO LISTEN AND BE PRESENT?

  Take note of their observations and suggestions. See what themes emerge and continue to practice.

  Finally, don’t forget to keep asking these questions:

  What can I do to support your success?

  What feedback would be most helpful for you?

  What feedback can you offer me on my leadership?

  How is my leadership either boosting your success or impeding it?

  How well am I communicating or leading? What would make either one more effective for you?

  18

  What’s Mine and What’s Yours—Effective Boundaries

  Boundary setting is a skill to essentially manage your environments. Since this section of the book is all about how the people, places, and things we interact with impact our ability to create successful changes, we need to be able to navigate all environments appropriately. The more skillful we become at boundary setting, the easier it will be to set clear intentions and actions in every environment.

  Boundaries are the limits we set for acceptable behavior. They are intended to make relationships more mutually respectful and supportive. The absence of clear boundaries in any and all relationships (professional, romantic, friendship, etc.) can leave you feeling exhausted, both emotionally and physically, from guesswork, confusion, and constant adjustment to others’ expectations. For more information on the health impact of poor boundaries, check out an article on the Livestrong website—7 Ways to Set Clear Boundaries with People in Your Life—that I contributed to.72 When setting boundaries that really stick, one of the more challenging consequences is coming across as distant or cold. A couple of points on this:

  1)such a perception may be a small price to pay for all the benefits;

  2)the more practice you put into boundary setting, the better you will become at adjusting any outward signs of aloofness.

  Since most of our time is spent at work, I want to elaborate on how to set effective boundaries in the workplace. However, you can practice setting effective boundaries across all your relationships and environments. Practicing good boundaries is a versatile skill. The more you do it in any one area, the better at it you will be in all domains of life.

  Clear workplace boundaries positively affect you and your co-workers. Having clear boundaries helps to improve productivity, decrease stress, foster healthy relationships, and improve motivation. While boundary setting is largely determined by the particular relationship in question and the nature of the work involved, a 2012 study in The Academy of Management Journal found that evaluating and setting boundaries, had a positive effect on relationships in the workplace.73 According to The University of California, San Francisco, when boundaries are clear, organizations are more efficient and groups are more productive.74

  This research also applies to environments outside of the workplace. For instance, clear boundaries help to improve communication, clarity around responsibility, and expectations and can reduce the likelihood of conflict.

  Often we learn the value of boundary setting through failure. If you have ever failed to speak up for yourself (I imagine this includes all of us), you’ll relate to this next story.

  My friend, Annie, once told me about a job she had right out of college that required her to manage a variety of accounts as well as pursue new ones. She was on the phone often, cold calling, pitching the company’s services, doing follow-ups, etc. Her office was next to the owner’s, and the walls were so thin that the owner could hear her conversations with clients and prospects. The instant she finished a call, the owner would fly into her office and nitpick her pitch. No detail was too small to critique.

  He may have had some good points about how to be a better salesperson. But the invasion of privacy, her anxiety over when it would happen again, and his usual tone of irritation and disappointment didn’t allow for any robust learning.

  The failure on her part, as she described it, was that she didn’t express herself. She did not explain to the owner that his communication was producing more nervousness and paranoia than anything else. In addition, she shared with me her regret that she didn’t make an explicit request for the kind of leadership that would have helped her become a better employee. Had she and the owner come to an agreement about how to work together more effectively she would have learned a lot more about how to sell, prospect, and communicate with clients.

  She didn’t set the boundary because at the time she felt that it wasn’t her place. Instead of tackling the discomfort directly, she put her head down and let the situation fester. Her major takeaway was that her failure to set proper boundaries didn’t serve her, the owner, or the company at large.

  ~

  I have witnessed the importance of clear boundary-setting as it relates to healthy living and sustainable positive change in a variety of circumstances.

  Here are three very different examples of effective boundary setting:

  I once worked with a small business that experienced challenges with employee turnover and couldn’t identify the cause. When I delved into the nature of the conflict and the frustration, I discovered confusion concerning employee roles and responsibilities. I also discovered that not enough time had been allotted for employees to communicate their needs and concerns and share their successes with each other. A clearer understanding of expectations vastly improved the situation. In other words, better boundaries saved the day.

  When working as a therapist at a home for troubled youth, boundaries were always a major topic of discussion. Clearly establishing basic information—when our meetings would take place, where, for how long, what we would talk about, and if the clients had to participate or not—was imperative. Boundaries create safety. In this situation, clear boundaries also helped clients communicate more effectively. And clear communication contributed to the healing process in regard to psychological wounds.

  This was a challenging environment to work in. The stories of abandonment, abuse, neglect, and violence were difficult to stomach. The only way to succeed in this environment was to set up certain boundaries. And it was tricky. I needed to show empathy, but not get wrapped up in taking personal responsibility for each person’s healing. Determining the extent of our personal responsibility is a challenge, but vital to consider when evaluating boundaries.

  I have seen clear boundaries create a safe space for communication in leadership teams as well. In one organization, we made a concerted effort to establish what was permissible to talk about during a leadership meeting. Team members found challenges in speaking up for themselves because there was confusion about what was reasonable and beneficial to discuss. After the group had a more transparent conversation about what they needed and built more trust among each other, they were able to make progress. They shifted into a more productive communication mode with each other and, ultimately, became a more dynamic and effective team. By building clear boundaries, they created success for themselves.

  “These examples are all well and good,” you might say, “but how do I put all of this into practice?” Here are five strategies you can implement at work to set more effective boundaries. To make it easy to remember, just think of the first boundary infants come to know: CRIBS.

  (C) Cordial – Setting clear boundaries does not require you to be dry, cold, or disconnected fr
om your coworkers or others around you. In fact, quite the opposite, a friendly, positive attitude can impact your environment in a healthy way. Remember, one must strike a balance between setting a clear boundary and being approachable. How you choose to communicate will determine the effectiveness of the boundary.

  (R) Responsibility – A clear idea of roles and responsibilities is crucial in a work environment. Any confusion over these matters necessitates communication with supervisors and co-workers to figure out who is responsible for which tasks. Creating an environment that encourages transparency and open dialogue will also encourage employees to speak up when they require further clarification about their responsibilities.

  (I) Impersonal – It is important to understand the differences, obvious and subtle, between work relationships and personal relationships. You can foster a certain level of familiarity or closeness with your coworkers, but upholding a level of professionalism requires discernment. Over time, this can be challenging, especially in regard to our sensitivities or how we “take things personally.” I certainly don’t mean that we should be excusing bad behavior (racism, sexism, and/or otherwise blatantly offensive conduct). What I mean is that certain decisions in a work environment may be outside your control and may affect you unfavorably. There may be decisions made that don’t make sense to you because you are not privy to all of the decision-making information. Also, remember that people’s personalities, opinions, and preferences may be different than yours, which is OK. Our difference of opinion, as irritating as it may be at times, can be a major benefit (especially in terms of creating a more robust perspective). As in all your relationships, learning to not take things personally can be a game-changing perspective shift and a way to reduce stress and anxiety. This also touches on the strategy to build more empathy in that it demands that we rise above our own standpoint. (See more about building empathy in Section 2 – Heart.)