Broken Beats

by D. Kelly

  “You can pull into the driveway and we’ll go straight into the back yard. It’ll be quicker, and there’s less chance of you being recognized by my neighbors.”

  When we get out of the car and to my gate, Darren inspects it and looks around. Once we’re in the back yard, he does the same.

  “Problem?”

  “Maybe.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and follows me to the porch swing. “If the paparazzi become an issue, that’s not going to keep them out. I could send someone over to install cameras and locks and do a basic security overhaul … once we know where we stand, of course.”

  “Let’s worry about that when the time comes. Do you want something to drink?”

  His sad eyes meet mine. “No, come sit with me. I need to talk to you.”

  Once we’re seated, I squeeze his hand. “You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to. We have time—”

  “Do we?”

  “I hope so.”

  Darren takes a deep breath and slowly releases it. “I want to tell you this, but no one else knows about it. My instincts tell me I can trust you.”

  “I’ll take it to my grave.”

  “It’s about Belle … and me,” he says cautiously.

  “Can I interrupt for a second?”

  He nods and laces our fingers together.

  “Darren, I think we’re doing this wrong.”

  “Doing what wrong?”

  “Worrying about discussing our past. Richie and Belle were monumental parts of our lives. We didn’t choose not to be with them anymore, but we are choosing to move on and try again. I think we need to let go of the fear we’re going to hurt each other if we talk about them.”

  “We’re just getting to know each other though. Don’t you think that’s too much too soon?”

  Smiling, I respond, “No, because I want to know you, Darren. How can I know who you are if you don’t feel free to talk about how you got to where you are? You can’t skip over the happy parts your life because you’re afraid it’ll hurt me. It won’t. Maybe sharing our feelings will make it so we don’t feel so alone anymore.”

  “What if it hurts to talk about her?”

  “Then don’t. I’m just saying don’t hold back on account of me. Don’t be afraid to talk to me about Belle, and I’ll open up to you about Richie.” I take a deep breath and lift my eyes to his. “Other people are empathetic for the most part. But there are times …”

  “Tell me, I want to know,” he encourages.

  “Things that would be stupid to other people. Where his favorite song comes on the radio and I either cry or smile depending on my mood. When I’m having a hard day, and I call his voicemail so I can hear his voice when I’m feeling desperately alone. Or when the wind blows a certain way, and I think it’s him saying hi, because the scent of Rosemary from the yard hits me all of a sudden. Nobody I know understands how the little things can throw your world into a tailspin. And yes, I still pay for his phone. Please don’t judge me.”

  “I wouldn’t because I understand,” he whispers. “Belle’s mom cut off her phone, but I have messages, and I listen to them occasionally. Plus, she was in the media so I have other options when I miss her terribly. Cadence gets extra love on those days because when I wrap her in my arms, she’s tangible proof Belle was here, if only for a little while.”

  We’re teary-eyed, but I sense we’ve crossed a boundary of sorts.

  “I wish we’d met sooner. I could’ve used you the day I slipped with Rory.”

  “Was it one of those days?”

  Darren blows out a breath. “It was. Mel and I took the kids to kindergarten registration. Each time one of the kids has a milestone, Mel and I try to connect. Sharing in the same trauma made us close. We wade through the milestones together when we can.”

  “It’s nice you have each other even though it’s a sad reason to bond.”

  He releases my hand and slides his palms against his jeans. “Mel has become a lifeline, and I’ll always be grateful she’s in our lives.” Darren stands and begins pacing.

  “Hey, if you don’t want to do this, we don’t have to. I won’t be angry; I promise.”

  Suddenly, he drops to his knees in front of me and rests his hands on my thighs. The pained expression on his face hurts me deeply. “I’m torn, I made a promise never to tell, but it’s killing me not to.”

  I reach for his chin, and when his eyes meet mine, I caress his face. “I’ll be your vault for whatever you need, whenever you need, for as long as you need.”

  A tear slips from his eye, and I brush it away. He grabs my hand and holds it to his cheek. The intimate moment fills my heart with love for this man I barely know, but I want to, with every fiber of my being.

  “The day we enrolled them in school, I went to the beach house and “Miss You All the Time” by O.A.R. came on. The song reminds me so much of Belle, and I took it as a sign. I grabbed a blanket and took a walk. I guess I was trying to connect with her because sometimes, it’s like I feel her presence. I know it’s silly—”

  “It’s not silly; it’s love.”

  “It is that for sure. Anyway, I went to our spot—it’s uh, where we conceived Cadence.” He blushes.

  I bring my fingers to his hair and massage his scalp. “So public sex is a thing for you, that’s good to know.”

  He grins before moaning and laying his head in my lap.

  “It’s a private beach, but I’m not opposed to public sex. Knowing you’re doing something carnal around people who have no clue can be a turn-on. We should try it sometime.”

  I laugh, and he sits up and kisses me quickly before joining me on the swing again. “That would take a committed relationship, and probably a whole lot of alcohol before I’d even consider it.”

  “We can arrange that, but without the alcohol. The right kind of foreplay can push your boundaries in ways you never imagined.”

  I’m not sure what kind of foreplay he gives, but I’m looking forward to it. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have interrupted. Go on.”

  “If we can do this and still share them, it will be the best of both worlds. One of my main concerns was how to move on without shame. Are my feelings for Belle supposed to disappear if I fall in love again? Or am I supposed to hide them from a new love? This shit has been tearing me up inside. It’s been easier to swear off women. Then I don’t feel like I’m betraying Belle.”

  “I’m always going to love Richie. For everything he was, and everything we were and I’m going to forever be sad about all the things we missed out on, that he missed out on. There has to be room for more love, for more life, and a future with someone new. Otherwise, what’s the point? Why would we still be here if we’re not supposed to be happy? There’s no room for shame, Darren. You can love her until your dying breath and also be in love with someone else.”

  He pulls me into his embrace and we hug for a long time. This man centers me in all the best ways. I hope I’m helping to center him too.

  “Belle and I got married in our spot,” he says as he releases me. “It wasn’t legal, but it was real. It was us. Belle struggled with traditional religion, but she believed in God. She loved me but didn’t feel she needed a marriage license to prove it. Being married is important to me … was important to me. The two of us agreed to marry in a spiritual ceremony and have a regular wedding a few months later when we finished touring.” He pauses and brushes his hand against my cheek. “Are you still with me?”

  I’m captivated by his story and the fact that it’s a secret. “Why don’t your friends know this?”

  “We promised each other we would keep it to ourselves until the wedding. We exchanged vows in July. Five weeks later, she was gone. Our Thanksgiving wedding never happened, and I felt I’d be betraying her trust if I told anyone.”

  “Why me?” I whisper.

  “I’ve wanted to tell someone for years. I’ve come close many times, but it never felt right. For you to understand what threw me for a l
oop the night I fucked Rory and why I turned to alcohol, you had to know the story.”

  “You could’ve made something up or told me it was none of my business …”

  Darren laces our fingers together again. “You’re right, I could have, but that’s not the kind of foundation I want to build a relationship on. I hate secrets. I kept this one with Belle because she needed time and it was supposed to be short-lived. A few years ago, I kept one for Sawyer and Mel, and everyone found out in the end. Secrets are just pauses in time. The truth will come out anyway.”

  His brow furrows, and I wish I could take away his frustration. “This secret with Rory feels like a ticking time bomb, doesn’t it?”

  “You nailed it. She showed up when I was missing Belle more than I had in years. I drank to lighten the sadness of the day. Rory showed up drunk and with a plan.”

  “She took advantage of you.”

  He shakes his head. “No, she didn’t. I just didn’t give a fuck about the consequences. She pushed and I gave in. I was a willing participant, and it was enjoyable until I passed out. When I woke up, I was filled with remorse. I’m still regretful.”

  “So what are you going to do?”

  He starts rocking the swing back and forth as he looks out into the yard. “I’m not sure. Rory told Jordan, and that means Allie and Sasha know. I don’t think any of them will say anything, but I’m not sure Rory can keep it secret. Deep down, Rory doesn’t think it will affect my relationship with Sawyer.” Darren puts his arm around my shoulder and pulls me to him.

  “And you do.”

  He snorts. “Friends don’t fuck their best friend’s sister. Especially not without a conversation about it first. If I were in love with Rory, I think Sawyer could get past it, but it was a one-night stand, and that’s all it will ever be. Sawyer is going to hate me.”

  “Sometimes the people we’re closest to are the people who surprise us the most. I wish I had some advice for you, but this is a decision you’re going to have to make on your own. I’ll be here for you either way. I’m a good sounding board or a shoulder to cry on.”

  Darren laughs, “I’ve never been the most sensitive of men. I’m crass and unapologetic and don’t give a fuck about what people think of me. It’s strange because the past week you haven’t seen much of that part of me. I feel like you’re not really seeing the real me.”

  “Considering you asked me if I wanted to fuck in the first two minutes we spoke, I think I see you.”

  “Ha! You’ve got a point, but you can’t blame me. You were looking right at me, or through me as I know now. Sexy girl, sexy guy … fucking seemed like an appropriate conclusion. Still does …”

  Darren leans down and kisses me deeply. It’s the kind of kiss that makes you weak in the knees and wet between the thighs. It’s a kiss filled with desperation, hope, and promise. Sadly, it ends far too soon when his phone rings.

  He looks at me apologetically, “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. Life waits for no one.”

  While Darren takes his call, I open the house and go inside to get us some water. I notice the mail on the floor by the front door and bend down to pick it up.

  “Damn, that’s a sight I’m not sure I’ll ever get tired of seeing.”

  “Just seeing?” I ask, peeking over my shoulder.

  With the determination of an animal after its prey, he’s behind me quickly. His hardness presses against my backside and as I straighten up his hand goes to my breast. “Does this feel like I only want to see?” He pushes my hair to the side and kisses the column of my neck. I’m about to drop the mail right back to the floor.

  He traces the shell of my ear with his tongue and pinches my nipple. A needy cry escapes my lips, and he hums his approval against my skin. He nips the skin of my neck with his teeth before sucking and kissing away the burn. “Darren,” his name is a desperate plea, and he pulls me tighter to him before bringing his mouth back to my ear.

  “I’m so fucking hot for you, Haddie. Unfortunately, I have to go.” He turns me around and pulls my mouth to his. My lips part and his tongue greets mine fervently, and I lose myself in his kiss while I can. School starts this week, and I may not see him again for a while.

  We part reluctantly, “I’ll walk you out.”

  “No, let’s not risk it. Come over tomorrow to see my house and the studio. Cadence and Nate are going to church with Belle’s mom.”

  “Are you sure? Maybe you should enjoy your alone time.”

  Darren kisses the top of my head. “You’re cute. I’ve had enough alone time over the last five years. Besides, I’m sure you’ll soon learn that in my life there’s not really such a thing. I want to spend more time with you, but right now I have a pressing appointment to take my daughter school clothes shopping. I can’t believe this is starting already.”

  There is something about the smile Darren gets when he talks about Cadence. It’s like he’s on cloud nine. “You better not keep her waiting any longer. Don’t tell her no too often; you only start kindergarten once. Let her have the sparkly shoes and the matching purse, the character backpack and the matching lunch pail. Just draw the line at thongs for kids … they’re so … wrong.”

  Darren laughs, and I furrow my brow.

  “They’re just shoes; flip flops never killed anyone … I don’t think. I’m sure she’ll be fine.”

  Laughter rolls out of me, and I can’t stop it. Now he’s looking at me like I’m the crazy one. Once I finally contain myself and wipe the tears from my eyes, I explain. “I wasn’t talking footwear. I mean butt floss for kids Cadence’s age exists. Don’t buy it. Well, you can if that’s your thing, but I wouldn’t recommend it.”

  His eyes widen in horror. “That’s a thing? No … you’re fucking with me.”

  I cross my heart with my finger.

  “That’s unbelievably ridiculous and never happening.”

  “Good. When I was little, it seems like we had superheroes or underwear labeled with the days of the week and little flowers on them. I didn’t understand the vast variety of sexier panties and lingerie until much later.”

  “Damn, it’s a shame I have to leave. I’d love to see your collection.” He licks his lips, and my heart slams against my chest.

  “You’d better go,” I manage to spit out and walk him toward the front door.

  “Now you’re kicking me out?”

  “No, I’m being a good … friend? Date? Whatever, I’m trying not to be the reason you disappoint your little girl. She’s waiting for you.”

  He wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me close. After kissing my cheek, he whispers in my ear, “Date, friend, both sound good. Soon to be my everything … sounds even better. I’ll text you my address be there at eleven am sharp.”

  Fuck a duck this man has me completely twisted.

  “One question before you leave, why is it always sharp with you? Eleven sharp, seven sharp, are you a stickler for being late?”

  “Nope,” he says pulling his keys from his pocket. “I just don’t want to wait one second longer to see you than I have to. Have a good day, Haddie.” With a wink and a smile, he’s out the door and pulling away before I’ve had a chance to catch my breath. If he keeps having this effect on me, I’m going to need to start walking around with oxygen.

  “You spent the night and didn’t have sex? Haddie! Do you know what that means?” Marina and I sit in front of the fire pit drinking piña coladas and catching up on my date.

  “That I’m not the kind of woman who puts out on a first date?”

  She rolls her eyes. “It means he likes you.”

  “He’s a good guy, but we still have things to discuss. Cadence is his world, and—”

  “You didn’t tell him.”

  I top off our drinks with the pitcher on the table. “There wasn’t a good time.”

  “Well, I have something else to tell you. I found out a few days ago, but I didn’t want you to use it as an excuse not to go out with him.
” She breaks eye contact with me and looks up at the sky.

  “What is it? Is it bad? Is he seeing someone else?”

  Marina cracks a grin and looks my way. “Not that I know of, but if that was your first concern, I’m glad I held off and didn’t tell you. You like him a lot, don’t you?”

  I sigh and lean back in my seat. “More than I should for how early it is. Now, spill.”

  “I got my class roster last week. Cadence Miller and Nathaniel Weston are two of my kindergartners.”

  This can’t be happening.

  “Breathe, Haddie. I know it’s not ideal, but there are workarounds. Talk to Principal Lewis and explain what’s going on. These aren’t at-risk kids. Their parents can afford the best therapy in the world.”

  “You know it’s not that easy. They’re from single-parent households with a deceased parent. If nothing else, I’d want them on my watch list. What if they need testing?”

  “And that’s a problem how? You don’t even know them yet. This isn’t a unique issue. You’ll just need someone stand in for you if they need services.” She pauses and nails me with a glare. “Going out on a few dates with someone who has a kid in our program isn’t a reason to ask for reassignment.”

  “How did you know that’s what I was thinking?”

  “I always know what you’re thinking. Besides, didn’t you say there are no immediate plans to meet her in case things don’t pan out?”

  “I did …”

  “Talk to Lewis and go from there. She’s going to tell you the same thing. She fought hard to get you into her school; she’s not going to let you go easily.”

  I down the rest of my drink. “You’ve got a point. I guess we’ll wait and see. I never imagined they were in our district and not going to private school.”

  Marina refills my glass and tops off hers. “Principal Lewis gave me a letter from Amelia Weston explaining their safety plan and a few other things. She also wants me to let her know if there are any distractions because she doesn’t want their kids disrupting the learning cycle of others.”

  “Wow, that was thoughtful of her.”

  “It was. Little does she realize, the only thing that will likely distract these kids is their own attention spans. They’re five and six years old—snack time and finger paints are the highlights of their day. It’s a little intimidating knowing I’ll have kids under guard, but hopefully, they’ll never need one.”