Broken Beats

by D. Kelly

  “Daddy, come on!” Cadence impatiently calls out from the front door.

  The moment she sees me, she throws it open and runs to Sawyer’s house. Mac and Ryan are waiting by the SUVs to drive us. We aren’t sure if it will get a little crazy, but the plan is to park a block over and walk up. If there’s an issue, they’ll come get us.

  Mel, Sawyer, and the kids are all outside, and Mel swipes at her tears as she takes photos. My phone vibrates, and when I see the text notification, I smile.

  Haddie: Are you crying yet?

  I’m not, but Mel is. I’m a bit melancholy, but Cady is happy.

  I snap a few pictures of her and Nate and debate on sending them for about half a second. If Haddie is going to be part of my world, I should be able to share moments like these with her. I send the photos, and she replies instantly.

  Haddie: They’re adorable, and Cadence’s hair is gorgeous.

  Thanks. My hairstyling skills are better now than they were three years ago.

  Haddie: You did her hair? High-five. That’s impressive.

  She’s my little girl; there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her. Maybe I’ll see you soon?

  Haddie: Maybe only a glimpse across campus. Text me if you need me to sneak you some tissues.

  Have a good first day. I’ll talk to you soon.

  After tucking my phone in my pocket, I take the travel mug of coffee Sawyer offers me.

  “Thanks.”

  “No problem. If Cadence was as hard to put down as Nate was last night, you’re going to need it.”

  “She finally fell asleep around midnight. I’m hoping tonight will be smoother.”

  Mel poses the kids with boards that have their school and year information on them.

  “Nate went down about the same time,” he points to Mel, “but that one spent an extra hour reminiscing and freaking out.”

  She flashes him a death glare. “It’s an important day, and …” Mel swipes away more tears, “we’re blessed to be here for it.”

  Sawyer and I exchange glassy-eyed looks and pretend not to notice we’re feeling it too.

  “Daddy, I want to go to school too.” Noelle peeks up at Sawyer with expressive eyes.

  “You get to go to preschool next year, and you can go with us to drop off Nate and Cady, but you can’t stay at his school. You’re still too little, sweetheart.”

  Her bottom lip wobbles. “But I will miss them.”

  Sawyer places his hand over his heart before he scoops her up into his arms. “I will miss them too, but we can draw them pictures and call Grandma to come make some cookies with us. Will that make you happy?”

  She nods and throws her arms around Sawyer’s neck. Mel snaps a shot of it and shrugs when I catch her. “Dads are hot. I’m not apologizing.”

  “Is my dad hot?” Cady asks, and Sawyer snorts.

  Mel suppresses a giggle. “He is, and your mommy used to say it all the time. But hot isn’t really a nice word to use. Your mom would say he was very good-looking.”

  “Liar,” Sawyer says under the guise of a cough, and Mel grins at her victory.

  “Then I won’t say the not-nice word.” Cadence turns around and walks directly to Nate. “Nate, you’re very good-looking.”

  The three of us exchange shocked expressions. Cadence isn’t dumb, none of our kids are, but damn, I did not expect her to pick up on that context.

  Nate smiles and simply answers, “Thanks.” As often as he calls her pretty, I think he understands as well.

  Sawyer recovers first. “Pile in, everyone. It’s time for school!”

  We arrive early enough to easily find parking spots around the corner. Mac walks in front, and Ryan stays with the cars. Mel pushes the twins in a stroller, Sawyer carries Noelle, and Nate and Cadence follow excitedly behind Mac.

  Anna’s car is parked in the lot, and I hope she’s able to get Jake in with the kids.

  Only two other parents are waiting outside the classroom when we arrive. I stand by the stroller so Mel can take more photos, and as the minutes pass, a buzz begins. At first, it’s stolen glances and then whispers. Sawyer and I exchange knowing looks.

  “Big day, huh?” I say to the mom standing to my right.

  “You’re talking to me?” She looks behind her and then back at me. “Oh, I guess you are. Hi! I’m Cara, my daughter Athena is in Miss Marina’s class. And you’re Darren. Gosh, you know that already … why are you here?” She smacks her head lightly. “Ignore that, please … I’m just a bit …”

  “Surprised?” I fill in with a smile.

  She laughs and puts her hand on my shoulder. “Yes, I’m surprised.”

  I take a step forward with the stroller, and her hand falls off. “It’s okay, we get that a lot. Our kids are in Miss Marina’s class too.”

  I catch sight of Sawyer walking around with Noelle and meeting parents. Dude sure knows how to work his magic. My phone buzzes and I pull it from my pocket. “Excuse me. It was nice meeting you, Cara. I’m sure I’ll see you again soon.”

  She wanders to a group of moms off to the side and squeals.

  “Hello?”

  “I forgot something from in my car. Imagine my surprise when I walk out and see quite the fuss.”

  I turn around with the stroller and see Haddie in the lot with her trunk open. “I wouldn’t know; I’m completely distracted by the most breathtaking woman right now.”

  “I’m jealous,” she says softly. “You asked me if I would be and I didn’t know. Now I do. I’m pretty sure you guys have already been crowned DILFs of the school.”

  I laugh. “As long as I’m the dad you’d like to—”

  “Shh,” she squeaks out through her laughter. “Don’t say that there, or you’ll have a very specific target assigned to you. When they know you know, the shameless flirting will never end.”

  “Well, we wouldn’t want that, would we?”

  “Never. I have to go, but you seem to be doing great. Keep your head up. You’ve got this.”

  “Haddie … thanks. I needed that today.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  A few seconds later, Anna and Wyatt join us with their kids. Anna and Mel hug excitedly when they announce Jake is in the same class. The classroom doors open, and most of the kids and parents start moving inside.

  Cadence’s eyes are locked on the parking lot, and Nate and Jake flank her like matching protectors. We all notice at the same time and look to see what in the world is so fascinating.

  A man pulls a tiny wheelchair from the back of a car, and a woman lifts a little girl from the back seat. We all watch as they make her comfortable in her chair. She’s a tiny little thing wearing a pink dress, a big white hair bow, and glasses.

  The parents seem apprehensive as they make their way to the curb where we’re all gathered. The second they roll onto the sidewalk, Cadence steps in front of them.

  “Hi, I’m Cadence, and this is Jake and Nate. Are you in Miss Marina’s class too?”

  The dad looks us over, surprise etched on his face—he seems to be aware of who we are—and the mom openly cries, but the little girl flashes the biggest smile.

  “I am. My name is Heather.”

  Cady returns her smile. “Cool, maybe we can sit together. Let’s go inside and see the classroom!”

  My heart damn near explodes, and the second a tear slips down my cheek, Wyatt tosses his arm over my shoulder. “I would love to give you credit for that, but if that wasn’t a sign from Belle that she’s guiding that girl, I don’t know what is.”

  “You took the words right out of my mouth. I’m so proud of those kids.”

  Heather’s dad wheels her into the classroom, followed by our kids, and the rest of us pull up the rear.

  Someone taps my shoulder before I enter the class. I turn around, and Heather’s mom engulfs me in a hug, tears streaming down her face. “I was going to home school her because kids can be so cruel. Thank you. Your daughter just gave her a memory she will nev
er forget. None of us will.”

  She quickly releases me and rushes in to catch up to her family. I meet up with everyone and listen as Marina talks about what they’re going to do today. When she dismisses the parents, our kids smile and wave goodbye. I’ll take that over the tear fest freakouts some of the kids are having any day.

  Maybe I would’ve worried more about leaving, but my mind is at ease knowing Marina is Haddie’s best friend. Hell, the fact Haddie is in the office takes a huge weight off my shoulders.

  Haddie may not be here with me now, but I know if I need her, she’s only a phone call away. As far as milestone days go, this one is by far the best yet.

  14

  Darren

  “Daddy, will your girlfriend like me?”

  For the last three weeks, I’ve been trying to ease Cadence into the idea of me dating. For the most part, she seems to be amenable to the idea. Times like today, I can tell she’s worried about what it means.

  “Cady, she’s going to love you. If I didn’t think so, she wouldn’t be my girlfriend.”

  “Will you kiss her like Uncle Sawyer kisses Auntie Mel?”

  This kid …

  “When grownups like someone the way I like my girlfriend, they often kiss and hug.”

  She looks up from the page she’s coloring, “Will she be my new mommy?”

  Damn, right in the gut with that one. I finish cutting up her apple and take a seat at the table with her.

  “Do you want a new mommy, Cady?”

  She puts down her crayon and looks up at me. “Is it okay to have two mommies like Nate has two daddies?”

  Have I failed her? I’ve been against dating for so long, I never thought of all the concerns she might have.

  “It’s more than okay. Sometimes mommies and daddies go to heaven and people get a bonus parent.”

  “What’s that?”

  I hold out my arms and she climbs into my lap. “It’s what Uncle Sawyer is to Nate. He loves Nate just as much as Uncle Noah would’ve.”

  This is a big conversation to have with a six-year-old, but I might as well have it now because Cadence is too smart for her own good.

  “Sometimes, parents don’t get along anymore and kids end up with two sets of parents. And there are kids who have two dads or two moms who love each other very much.”

  Cady jumps off my lap and looks up at me. “Like Uncle Mac and Tyler?”

  “Yup, exactly, and there are kids who only have one or the other, like you and me.”

  “Will you love her more than you love me?”

  “Nope, it doesn’t work like that.”

  “Then how does it work?” She moves over to the counter and grabs her apple.

  I can’t explain how I’d murder someone to keep her safe and that loving her is different than loving a partner, so I try to keep it simple.

  “You love all your aunts and uncles, right?”

  She nods as she chews.

  “Do you love any of them more than the others?”

  “No, but Auntie Mel is my favorite.”

  I hold back my laughter. “Maybe you shouldn’t say that to the rest of them. We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, okay?”

  “Okay, Daddy.”

  “You love them all the same though. That’s how love works, Cady. We can love lots of people for the role they play in our lives. I will never love someone more than you, but I may love people as much as I love you. Does that make sense?”

  “Yes, it makes sense,” she says after she finishes her apple. “Can she come to the movies with us on Sunday when we take Nate?”

  “I’ll ask her if she wants to come with us. She’s a little scared to meet you.”

  Cady giggles. “I’m not scary!”

  “She’s nervous you might not like her. I think that would make her sad.”

  “I’ll be her friend if she’s nice.”

  Oh, Belle, she becomes more and more like you every day.

  The doorbell rings and Cadence takes off running. “It’s Grandma V time!”

  I follow her, and she grabs her suitcase by the front door.

  “Grandma V!” she squeals, when I open the door.

  Veronica crouches down for a hug. “Now that’s what I call a greeting. Are you ready to go get Nate for our weekend?”

  “Yup. My daddy has a girlfriend, and if she’s nice to me, I’ll be nice to her, but he won’t love her more than me.”

  Veronica flashes one of her special smiles reserved for Cadence. I’ve always imagined it’s the same smile she gave Belle. “Of course, he won’t love her more. Now, we’d better get going before the groceries get hot. Go put your bag in the car.”

  Cadence gives me a hug and a kiss before running out to the car, and Veronica side-eyes me. “Darren, it’s been nearly a month now. Less talk, more action. You’re confusing her, and if she’s asking questions, she’s worried. Put those fears to rest and introduce them already.”

  “I’m working on it. She wants Haddie to go to the movies with us on Sunday.”

  “That sounds like a lovely idea. There is never going to be a right time. Rip off the bandage. You’ll be glad you did. See you after church on Sunday.”

  “Thanks, Veronica. Enjoy your weekend.”

  Haddie is supposed to come by tonight. Most of the time, things between us are great, but there’s been some underlying tension lately. Some of it can be attributed to sexual frustration. She’s not ready yet, and I’m happy to go at her speed. There’s also something important I need to discuss with her, but it never feels like the right time.

  We talk multiple times a day, and we’ve spent the last three weekends together. She’s slept in my arms, laughed at my jokes, and cooked meals for us. I’m in love with her, which complicates things. I’ve been following the plan and getting Cadence ready to meet her because I want to integrate Haddie into our world. When it comes down to putting our plans into action, I’m hesitant, and I think Haddie senses it.

  I pull out my phone and send her a text.

  Come over when you’re ready. I can’t wait to see you.

  She texts back about thirty minutes later.

  Haddie: Sorry, I had an IEP that ran late. I’ll be over in about an hour, if that works?

  Sure. Sawyer asked about going out Saturday night. Would you be up for that?

  Haddie: Can we talk about it tonight? It’s not really a great time right now.

  Okay, see you soon.

  My body drips with sweat as I leave the studio. Fuck, I miss playing every night. The adrenaline high, the crowds, the motherfucking music—it was my life for so long, it’s hard to believe it’s over. I still can’t bring myself to play our music though. Bastards and Dangerous without Noah isn’t right. Someone approached us a few months ago and wanted us to play with Noah’s hologram. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Sawyer so pissed.

  My phone rings. Shit. I’m late. I start walking faster and answer it. “Hey are you here?”

  “I’ve been waiting for about five minutes, but I figured you were probably in the studio.”

  I open the sliding glass door and close it behind me. “Two seconds. I’m almost there.” Opening the front door, I smile. “I’m sorry for making you wait.”

  Haddie rakes her gaze over my body and as she steps inside. “It’s okay, this was worth it.”

  “Me being hot and sweaty?”

  “Oh yeah, you look pretty hot.” She bites her lip.

  I pull off my shirt and step closer. “Hot as in sexy, or hot as in heat?”

  Her breath hitches. “Both.”

  I lean forward and give her a quick kiss. “Let me shower. Otherwise, I’m going to start doing things I may not be able to stop.”

  She steps back, and her body language shifts—she’s no longer relaxed and enjoying the view. “A shower is a good idea. When you come out, put some clothes on. We need to talk.”

  “Haddie, is everything all right?”

  “Sure,” she answers di
stractedly. “We’ll talk when you’re finished.”

  As I shower, I think about us. There’s no denying I’ve fallen hard for her. We’re at the point in our relationship where some difficult choices have to be made. We talked briefly about being exclusive, but it hasn’t been mentioned since. Haddie still hasn’t been in public with me except for our breakfast at the diner.

  While I get dressed, I firm my resolve—we have to talk about kids. Haddie is five years younger than me, and her career revolves around children. She probably wants a house full of them, which poses a huge problem. I don’t want more children—ever. Cadence is it for me

  One of the biggest things that held me back from relationships over the years was fear. Belle’s death crushed me. I can’t handle the idea of losing someone else, and I can’t raise another child by myself. I refuse to drown in survivor’s guilt again.

  Cadence and Nate are proof that even though God took Belle and Noah, he left the best parts of them here with us. I know they’re here for a greater purpose. Although it might destroy us, it’s time I tell her the truth. We’re growing too close to keep it from her any longer. If she wants a baby someday, I’m going to have to end things. It’s non-negotiable.

  When I enter the living room, she stops pacing and flashes me a weak smile.

  “We need to talk,” we say in unison.

  “You go first,” she says, sounding relieved as she leans back against the couch. She digs her fingers into the fabric like she’s holding on for dear life. Maybe she is.

  “I’m not sure how to say this other than to just come out with it. Why don’t we sit?”

  She shakes her head. “I’d rather stand, if you don’t mind.”

  I take a deep breath. “Haddie, I want this more than I’ve wanted anything in a long time. For the first time in years, I want to be with someone … with you … and I know you understand how big of a step that is.”

  Haddie nods her head solemnly, but her normally bright eyes dim. I move to step closer but stop myself. This is going to be hard enough.