The Kingdom Razed by Dragons

by Virlyce

  “Err, I think I’ll pass,” Tafel said and took a step back. She whispered to Emile. “Is she drunk?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Eh? You don’t want me to feed you?” Minerva asked Tafel. She blinked as the demon shook her head. A snort escaped from the two holes in her beak. “C’mere, Vur. Aren’t you hungry?”

  Vur felt his stomach. “A little,” he said with a nod. “Eating Auntie’s potato emptied my stomach instead of filling it.” He walked over to Minerva, not noticing Tafel’s and Emile’s concerned gazes. “I knew it wasn’t a potato.”

  “Say, ‘ah,’” Minerva said, patting Vur’s head with her wing. She glared at Tafel and Emile as Vur opened his mouth. “This son-in-law of mine is more filial than my actual children. You two should be ashamed.” Before Tafel or Emile could respond, Minerva leaned forward and opened her beak over Vur’s mouth.

  “I’m going to be sick,” Tafel said, her face turning green as brown liquid shot out of Minerva’s beak like water from a faucet. She hunched over and clutched her stomach.

  Emile patted her head. “Why? It’s perfectly normal.”

  “Really?” Tafel asked in a flat voice. “Then why did you beg me to save you?”

  “I’m a minor! I can’t drink alcohol,” Emile said and rolled his eyes. “Duh.”

  Grimmy and Lindyss watched Vur’s Adam’s apple bob up and down. “That’s a bit disturbing,” Grimmy said. “And I’ve seen a lot of things.” He blinked at Lindyss and poked her scowling face. “Are you jealous? That’s your jealous expression.”

  “What the hell is a jealous expression?” Lindyss asked with a snort. “I’m not jealous at all. I’m offended. I had to coax and force him to eat a false god, but he willingly lets a phoenix puke in his mouth? Where’s the justice?”

  Minerva pulled her head back and clacked her beak a few times. She sighed and patted Vur’s head. “If only all my children were as obedient as you,” she said, shooting another dirty look at Tafel and Emile.

  Vur rubbed his nose and burped. He glanced at Tafel’s green face, Lindyss’ annoyed face, and Grimmy’s disturbed face before tugging on Minerva’s wing. He asked, “Can I have some more?”

  Minerva tittered and hugged Vur with both her wings. “Of course! Open up!”

  “Yup,” Tafel said, turning around. “I’m sick now.” She lifted Emile and pressed her forehead into his belly, causing him to yelp when her horns dug into him. “Can you tell if I have a fever or not?”

  Emile squawked and kicked his legs while flapping his wings. “That tickles!”

  Grimmy scratched his head and crawled onto his feet. “I’m gonna go, uh, terrorize those people by Leila,” he said, avoiding the sight of a phoenix feeding her young. His paw traveled over Lindyss’ head. “You have fun here now.”

  “Hey,” Lindyss said as she ran forward and crawled up his leg. “That’s immoral. You can’t terrorize people without letting me come with.”

  Minerva released Vur from her embrace and exhaled. She lifted a keg with her foot and poured it down her beak, emptying it all without pause. She shook the keg a few times to get the last few drops and hiccoughed as she tossed it away when she confirmed it was empty. “You can transform, right?” she asked Vur, nudging him with the tip of her wing. “How about turning into a phoenix? Let me see.”

  Vur scratched his head. “I never tried that before.”

  “It’ll be fine,” Minerva said, waving her wing dismissively. “You already know my skills, and you have enough mana to use them. You’re practically a phoenix already. Go on then, transform.”

  Vur grunted. “Big bird…,” he muttered to himself and closed his eyes. His skin bulged as feathers popped out of his body. He grew in size as his arms flattened while curving, a flap of skin extending from his forearms to his sides. His legs grew scales as his feet turned into talons. A beak appeared as his lips stiffened and curved. A minute later, he fully polymorphed into an ocean-blue phoenix the size of Minerva. His eyes opened, revealing a pair of golden irises. “Did I do it?”

  “Handsome!” Minerva said and buffeted Vur’s back with her wing. She inched closer to him and nudged his side with her talons. “I still have seven daughters other than the one you already married, you know?” She raised her brows twice and smiled. “In five hundred years or so, they’ll be ready to look for a mate.” She nudged him again. “Eh? Eh? How about it?”

  Vur blinked and took a step away. “I’m already happily married.”

  “You don’t have to marry them,” Minerva said, taking a step towards him, keeping close to his body. “There aren’t many phoenixes left in the world after the worms invaded our homeland. Just giving them a nice clutch of eggs will do. I’m already two thousand years old, but I’m not even a grandmother yet. Do you know how sad that is?”

  Vur took another step away without answering.

  “I’m not asking you to devote yourself to them either,” Minerva said, sticking to him like glue. “Look at me. Do you see my mate hanging around? Nope, he was afraid of commitment and ran away when Emile hatched, but don’t tell my children that. I told them he went to the coast to find a sea cucumber to smoke and that he’ll be back any day now.”

  “I’m right here, Mom,” Emile said.

  “Hush, Emile,” Minerva said, glaring at him. “Let the adults talk, okay?”

  “…Are you really my mom?”

  “Does she always get like this when she drinks?” Tafel asked Emile in a whisper. “I really want to yell at her for poisoning Vur’s brain with her stupid words, but at the same time, I don’t want to yell at someone who imprinted me.”

  “You should yell at her,” Emile said with a nod. He sighed and raised his head towards the sky before stiffening. “What’s that?”

  “Hmm?” Tafel raised an eyebrow as she followed Emile’s gaze. A giant white wall-like object was approaching from the horizon. “A … castle, maybe?”

  “Castle?” Minerva asked as she released Vur from her wings. “That’s too cloudlike to be a castle.”

  “Oh!” Vur said. “The cake’s here!”

  “That’s a cake?” Emile asked, his eyes widening.

  “Yup,” Vur said as he walked over to Tafel’s side, transforming back into a human. “It’s for Tafel. Just like this whole party.” He wrapped his arm around her shoulder. “Happy late-for-this-year-but-early-for-next-year birthday! Let’s go to the center of the plaza.”

  “This party was for me?” Tafel asked, blinking hard as Vur pulled her along.

  “Uh-huh.” Vur nodded. “I tried to get you a star as a present too, but it got really hard to breathe and I fainted before I could reach them, so I decided to gift you the continent instead. Do you like it?”

  “You didn’t have to,” Tafel said and bit her lower lip. She smiled and hugged Vur. “I like it. I like it a lot.” Her nose crinkled, and she drew her head back. “But please, rinse out your mouth with something.”

  “I have just the thing!” Minerva said, lifting a barrel with her talons.

  “Something not from her,” Tafel said, staring into Vur’s eyes.

  Minerva flapped her wings as she hopped towards them on one foot. “What? You don’t trust my taste? Who was the one that adopted you, huh? Huh?”

  Tafel sighed as she released Vur and patted Emile’s head. “You had it rough.”

  “Not really,” Emile said, blinking at his mom. “I’ve never seen Mom like this before. Alcohol’s evil. I knew it.”

  “If alcohol’s evil, then call me a midget!” a dwarf shouted from off to the side. Vur walked over and took a drink off the table, rinsing his mouth with it.

  “You’re a midget,” Emile said, sticking his beak into the air while looking down on the dwarf.

  “Eh!? What did you just call me?” the dwarf asked as he lumbered to his feet. “I’ll have you know I’m tall for a dwarf!”

  “See? It poisons the mind,” Emile said and nodded at Tafel, ignoring the dwarf.

  “
Excuse me?” the dwarf asked as he tromped up to Tafel, his face bright red. “I’ll have you know, alcohol makes my wit sharper! My fingers become faster! The words come out easier! The—wait, am I arguing with a bird?”

  “Not just any bird,” Emile said, puffing his chest out. “A phoenix.”

  The dwarf scratched his beard and raised an eyebrow. “I thought penguins were taller than that.”

  Emile hissed. “I said phoenix!”

  “Eh….” The dwarf picked his ear with his pinky, pulling out a glob of earwax. “I have more important things to do than to argue with a penguin. There’s supposed to be a coronation ceremony today for the new king. I have to prepare myself to flatter him. I hope he’s as simple as our previous king.” The dwarf smiled and hiccoughed. “See you around, talking penguin.”

  “I’m never going to drink,” Emile said, his beak hanging open. The dwarf staggered back to his seat and sipped on his tankard.

  “That’s a good resolution,” Tafel said with a nod. “Don’t grow up to be like our mother, got it?”

  “Nonsense! I’m an excellent role model,” Minerva said, her voice slurred. “Anyone who says otherwise is a cow.”

  “Let’s keep going,” Vur said, arriving at Tafel’s side. “Everyone’s waiting to cut the cake.”

  Tafel looked up. The castle-like cake that was in the sky was now on the ground. Hundreds of people were huddling around it, blocking her and Vur’s way. A barrier of skeletons were standing around the cake, holding the crowd back. A few skeletons with wings were stopping the fairies from stealing the frosting and sprinkles. One of them noticed Vur. “Vur’s here!” it shouted and pointed. “The king has arrived!”

  The crowd whirled around and whispered, following the skeleton’s finger. Tafel sighed before smiling and waving at the people while Vur stuck his chest out and crossed his arms. The drunk dwarf from earlier gasped and fell out of his chair as if he had been struck by lightning. Emile shrank in size and covered himself with Tafel’s hair, using it like a curtain. “So many stares!”

  “You get used to it,” Tafel said and tickled Emile’s belly with her finger. The crowd in front of her and Vur parted, letting them approach the cake unhindered. A few children ran up to them but were held back by their parents. Their hands still stretched towards their new monarchs, and Tafel smiled while trailing her fingers along their palms.

  “She’s not a human or a dwarf.”

  “Is she a mutated elf?”

  “Doesn’t her aura feel a bit like a phoenix’s?”

  “Idiot! There’s a phoenix sitting on her shoulder.”

  “That’s not what I’m talking about though.”

  Tafel ignored their reactions and pulled Vur, who was glaring at the crowd and trying to find those who spoke, along. She whispered to him, “Will they really accept me as the new ruler of the land?”

  Vur nodded. “Yeah, the dwarf king agreed, and the human emperor was replaced by a skeleton. It’ll be fine.” He gestured up ahead with his chin. “See? There they are.”

  E was lying down, waiting beside the cake. “Vur,” he said and groaned as he sat up. “Do you know how many flying sets of armor it took to bring this cake here? Is it big enough for you? There’s a second one in the palace, but it’ll take at least a week to bring it here.” He snapped his fingers, summoning a set of armor beneath himself. “And this must be your wife. It’s a pleasure to meet you. You have a very capable husband.”

  “Oh, err, thanks,” Tafel said and curtsied. Her brow furrowed at the previous dwarf king, who was wearing pajamas and had drool stains on his cheek. “It’s nice meeting you too….”

  “E,” E said. “My name’s E.”

  Tafel blinked. “Like the letter?”

  “No, like the number.” E nodded and clapped his hands. “Your aunt also had me prepare a new crown. I wasn’t sure about the ridges she wanted me to add, but now that I see the horns, it makes sense now.” A skeleton popped out of the ground, holding a shining green box. E raised an eyebrow. “That’s really convenient. I need some of these undead for myself. Is your aunt looking for a disciple by any chance?”

  Vur shrugged. “You’ll have to ask her.”

  “Vur! Tafel! Hi!” Rella and Bella flew down from the sky, tackling the two’s faces. Rella giggled and rubbed her head against Tafel’s cheek. “We’re here to do the projection magic again like during your marriage.”

  Bella frowned at E and pointed at him. His pajamas rippled as they transformed into deep-purple robes. His jawline became sharper, and his face sterner. “You’re going to be one of the main characters for this coronation ceremony. At least dress appropriately.”

  E blinked and rubbed his hands over his illusionary clothes. He raised his head and stared at Bella with wide eyes. “Are you taking on a disciple? This is even more convenient.”

  Bella snorted and crossed her chest. “You won’t be able to learn it unless you’re a freak like Vur.” She smiled and ruffled Vur’s hair before sitting atop his head. “I meant that in an endearing way.”

  Footsteps approached the group. The human emperor grinned at them. “The mistress ordered me to pass on the scepter.” He waved the golden stick in his hand. “Shall we get started?”

  38

  The moon shone overhead, illuminating the mostly empty streets with trash littered about. A few earth elementals were shuffling along, picking up fallen tankards, plates, and utensils. A group of three adventurers stumbled along the road, their faces flushed, their laughter slurred. One of them raised his hand and pointed. “Hey. Over there. You see that?”

  “Is it a woman?” one of the adventurers asked with his head hanging, his face pointing at the ground. “She pretty?”

  “You idiot! Look,” the first adventurer said, grabbing the second adventurer’s chin and raising his head. “Do you see it now?”

  A line of drool dropped out of the second adventurer’s mouth. A moment later, he made a sucking sound and swallowed. “Uh….”

  “It’s a phoenix!” the first adventurer hissed. “And it looks like it’s sleeping.” He paused and squinted his eyes. “Or dead.”

  “I thought phoenixes couldn’t die,” the third adventurer said.

  The first adventurer nodded his head. “You’re right,” he said. “Then it must be sleeping.” He licked his lips and rubbed his hands together, causing the second adventurer to fall to the ground face first after releasing his chin. The man grunted but made no effort to stand up. “If we sell one phoenix feather, we won’t have to work for a year.”

  The third adventurer frowned and crossed his arms, staring at the snoring phoenix a block away from them. “Let’s do it.”

  “Is it a woman?” the second adventurer asked, lifting his head off the ground.

  “Idiot!” The first adventurer smacked his companion’s head, but his actions threw him off balance and caused him to fall over. He groaned and rolled onto his back, meeting the third adventurer’s gaze. “I’m not sober enough. You do it.”

  The standing man snorted. “Fine,” he said. “Eight two split.”

  The first adventurer scrambled to his feet. “Wait, wait, wait! I’ll do it! I’m sober.”

  The third adventurer snorted again. “Let’s both take one,” he said. He glanced at his fallen companion, who let out a thunderous snore. “Forget about him.”

  The first adventurer nodded and tiptoed over to the sleeping phoenix. It was big, blood-red, and hiccoughing nonstop, a bubble escaping from its beak every time. The two men exchanged glances and nodded at each other, stretching their hands forward. One man placed his palm on a protruding wing feather, while the other touched a tail feather. A rustling sound caused them to freeze, and a dark figure rose from near the phoenix’s beak. Laughter boomed out of the figure, followed by a shout. “I, Shadow Nelly, the greatest scout in the world, have acquired the eyebrow feathers of a phoenix! And its spit!”

  The phoenix rolled over and snorted, its eyelids fluttering. Nel
ly’s eyes widened, and she ran away without hesitation, leaving behind two stunned adventurers. She shouted into the air, “Phoenix matriarch ma’am! Two bad men are trying to strip you!” Then she muttered to herself as she rounded a corner, out of sight, “I have to do something about my proclamations. But how else will people know I’m the greatest scout in the world? I’ll proclaim it quietly next time and see how that goes.” She nodded to herself before vanishing into the shadows of the alley.

  Minerva’s eyes shot open, and her head snapped towards the two dazed adventurers. One of them was still holding onto her tail feather. She screeched and shot out a fireball that was as big as a building. Before it reached the men, it exploded, blowing them back. Their skin was charred, their flesh was burnt, their hair was singed off, but at least, they were left alive. “My goodness,” Minerva said as she climbed to her feet. “Trying to take advantage of a passed-out lady. People like you should suffer.” She snorted and craned her head towards the sky, looking down on the two groaning men.

  The sleeping adventurer’s eyes opened, and the first thing he saw was Minerva’s majestic figure illuminated by the moonlight. Her back was arched, her chest puffed out, her beak pointing at the sky. She seemed like the center of the world, the only colorful object in a world of gray. Then she hiccoughed out a bubble. “So I’m dreaming,” the man said before lowering his head back to the ground. He giggled to himself before falling asleep.

  Minerva hiccoughed again, another bubble falling towards her feet. She blinked and swiveled her head. “Where am I?” she asked, looking at the ground. “What happened to the party?” She spread her wings and glanced at her sides. “What are these lacerations that suspiciously look like dragon scratches?” Her brow furrowed as she clacked her beak, making sounds like chattering teeth. “What’s the last thing I...? I fed Vur? No, there was something after that.” She brought her wings to her head and groaned. “Think, Minerva. Think.” She took in a deep breath. “There was a cake. It tasted sweet. Then there was a barrel of whisky. And a barrel of wine. And a barrel of vodka. And a barrel of rum. And there was a tasty baby gryphon.” She tilted her head. “Did I eat it? Hmm.” She frowned and rubbed her lower beak. “No, before I could swallow, that berserk librarian stopped me.” She nodded. “Then there was a barrel of gin. Then a barrel of soju. Then a barrel of absinthe. Four barrels of brandy. Eight barrels of tequila. And sixteen kegs of beer to chase with. After that was Tafel’s coronation ceremony; they were talking too fast for me to remember the words. Vur ate Tafel’s face. I made Susan promise me to stick to Vur like glue for the sake of my future grandchildren. That black dragon overthrew the church of holy dragons. The berserk librarian was snogging a skeleton. I had a few more drinks—not a lot, just eleven or twelve barrels. And that’s it.” She glanced around again before nodding. “Looks like I’m still a master of moderation seeing as I remember everything. But why does it feel like I’m forgetting something…?” She shrugged. “Must not have been very important.” She spread her wings, preparing to launch herself into the air, but she paused before flapping. “Where’s Emile?”