by Cassie Beebe
© Copyright 2019 Cassie Beebe
All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced in any form without permission from the publisher, except as permitted by U.S. copyright law.
First edition. This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
Cover design by JD&J Designs.
Interior design by Elaine York at Allusion Graphics, LLC
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four
Chapter Five
Chapter Six
Chapter Seven
Chapter Eight
Chapter Nine
Chapter Ten
Chapter Eleven
Chapter Twelve
Chapter Thirteen
Chapter Fourteen
Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Sixteen
Chapter Seventeen
Chapter Eighteen
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Twenty
Chapter Twenty-One
Chapter Twenty-Two
Chapter Twenty-Three
Chapter Twenty-Four
Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Six
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Chapter Thirty
Epilogue
About the Author
For my bestie, Brie, whose enthusiasm for this story kept me typing.
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”
- 2 Corinthians 3:17
HE LOVED THE WAY the sunlight danced off of her golden curls, mimicking the gleam that lit her eyes when she smiled at him. He was perfectly content to sit and watch her for hours, wriggling his toes through the coarse sand as she fled from the cascading waves, but that would never be enough for Sarah. She was always trying to draw him out of his shell, convincing him that he needed to be part of the action. With a bright grin and saltwater in her hair, she sprinted up the beach, grabbing his hands and pulling him to his feet. Happily placating her, he followed behind as she dragged him toward the ocean.
He watched her play her little game, running from the water as it crashed in, barely letting the froth touch the tips of her toes. As a particularly large wave rolled toward the shore, he intertwined his fingers with hers and, with a devilish grin, pulled her into a tight hug. He laughed as she shrieked in fearful anticipation, trapped in place by his strong arms. As the sea crashed violently upon them, she turned to hide her face in his shirt, laughing when the frigid water soaked them both from head to toe.
Jogging back to their spot in the sand, fingers still tangled together, they lay back on the warmth and gazed out at the sun setting beyond the distant waters. Sarah propped herself up on her elbow, turning toward him with a playful grin. Leaning up on his arms, ignoring the sand sticking uncomfortably to his wet skin, he reached out to stroke her cheek. A hint of a smirk touched his lips as he gazed into her vibrant eyes.
“I love you,” he whispered.
It was the first time he had said the words aloud, and Sarah let out a small gasp, followed by a surprised chuckle. Rather than reciprocating with words, she simply smiled, closing her teary eyes and leaning toward him slowly. Just as their lips met, Jacob heard his name being called in the distance. He tried to ignore the call, relishing in the kiss. It was a feeling he had enjoyed even in the midst of his discomfort with physical touch, but after years of therapy had nearly extinguished his haphephobia, kissing Sarah was an even more enjoyable sensation. The beckoning voice was getting louder, closer, ruining the moment and provoking Jacob’s irritation. He didn’t want to end their embrace, but the disruption demanded his attention. As their lips broke apart, he turned toward the source of the sound.
Jacob’s eyes fluttered open, and he stared at the stark white ceiling, befuddled for a long moment. The mysterious voice still called his name, this time louder and followed by a rap on a nearby door. Sitting up in his small bed, he recognized his surroundings. The blank walls of the windowless room, the massive, steel door across from him, his still-snoring roommate, huddled under the thin blanket of his tiny bed. He was in his room at Bellevue Hospital.
With a deep sigh, he realized he had been dreaming. Placing his head in his hands and rubbing the sleep from his tired eyes, the beckoning voice continued its call, increasing in frustration with each minute that it remained unanswered.
“Jacob?” the nurse called again, knocking loudly on the door.
“Yeah?” he finally answered after taking a moment to bring himself back to reality.
“Oh,” she said, surprised to hear a response. “You’re late for your final session with Doctor Yang. He’s waiting for you in his office.”
Glancing at the clock on his bedside table, he realized he forgot to set his alarm the previous night.
“Oh, sorry,” he called through the door, stepping out of his bed. “Could you tell him I’ll be there in a minute?”
“Alright,” the nurse grumbled, walking away from his door to deliver the message.
Retrieving some sweat pants and a t-shirt from his dresser, Jacob tried to clear his mind from his dream and remember the exciting events the day held. After eight years at Bellevue, he was being released.
It had been a long journey, though his sentence was intended to be much longer. Given his quick progress with therapy and his genuine desire to stick to the program and take his medications, Doctor Yang had put in a glowing recommendation that Jacob be released early on parole. That recommendation was followed by lots of meetings, discussions, court hearings, and seemingly endless amounts of waiting, but the day had finally arrived. For what felt like the first time in his life, Jacob was about to be a free man.
He dressed quickly and headed for the doctor’s office, pausing by the nurse’s station to give a quick apology for his delayed response that morning. He knocked softly on the office door before turning the knob and peeking through.
“Jacob,” Doctor Yang greeted from his desk with a friendly smile. “Please, come on in and have a seat.”
“Thanks,” Jacob said, closing the door behind him and making himself comfortable in the large, leather chair across from the doctor. “Sorry I was late. I forgot to set my alarm last night.”
“That’s quite alright. I was still getting some things together,” Doctor Yang appeased. With an expectant smile, he continued, “So... how are you feeling about today?”
Jacob returned his grin. “Good.”
“Just good?”
“Well, I mean, I’m excited, of course,” Jacob answered, fidgeting with the tie on his pants. “But... also kind of nervous, I guess.”
“Hm, and why is that?” Doctor Yang asked, slipping on his small, rectangular glasses and grabbing a pen from the cup on his desktop.
Jacob took a breath, dissecting his feelings to form an answer. After years of therapy sessions, he was becoming apt at understanding his emotions and explaining them to others. The task used to seem daunting, but it had become a regular, comfortable occurrence over the years, especially in his sessions with Doctor Yang.
“I guess it’s just gonna be a little strange, being on my own,” he explained. “I mean, I’ve never really done that before.”
He thought back over his life, searching for a time when he was living in solitude, and he realized that despite how lonely he had always felt, he had never been truly alone.
“Growing up, I had my parents and Maggie. And after they were gone, I found Rodn
ey, and then...,” he paused, glancing up at the doctor before continuing, “and then Sarah. So, I don’t know. It’s just gonna be a little weird, I guess, living alone.”
“Hm,” Doctor Yang nodded intently, jotting down a quick note on his pad. “So... speaking of Sarah,” he began.
Jacob let out a small sigh, mentally kicking himself for having mentioned her. He was generally more cautious to avoid that subject.
“We haven’t talked about her in a while. Have you been thinking about her more lately?”
“Yeah, I guess,” Jacob shrugged.
“What have you been thinking about exactly?” Doctor Yang prodded.
“I, um,” he stuttered, blushing under the scrutiny of the doctor’s gaze as he remembered how he was awoken that morning. “I had a dream about her last night,” he admitted.
With a nod, Doctor Yang asked, “What happened in your dream?”
“Nothing, really,” Jacob shrugged again. “We were just hanging out on a beach somewhere. Messing around in the water, stuff like that.”
“Hm. Anything else?”
Meeting the doctor’s unconvinced gaze, Jacob surrendered with a sigh. “I told her I loved her,” he confessed. “And... she kissed me. And then I woke up.”
“Ah,” he replied. “So, what do you think that means?”
Jacob chuckled, trying not to scoff at the notion that his dream had to have some deep, hidden meaning. “I don’t know,” he shook his head. “Probably just that I’ve been thinking about her too much lately.”
“So, you’ve been thinking about her more than usual? Why do you think that is?”
Jacob cursed himself again for initiating the conversation he had been so carefully avoiding over the past several weeks leading up to his release. “I guess... I don’t know. I guess, since I’m leaving, I’ve been wondering if maybe I should go see her.”
“Have you come to a conclusion on that, yet?” the doctor asked.
He rolled his eyes. “Nope.”
“Why not?”
He took in a breath, preparing to admit the fears he had been so carefully suppressing. “I don’t know if she would want me to see her. I mean, if she wanted to see me...,” he trailed off, not wanting to put into words the question that had been looming in his mind for the past several years.
“If she wanted to see you...?” Doctor Yang spurred.
Jacob leaned forward in his chair, looking at his hands. “If she wanted to see me, then why hasn’t she visited me in eight years?” A lump rose in his throat as he finally voiced the unspoken question. Jacob had spent a lot of time over the past eight years wondering when – or if – he was ever going to see Sarah again. They had no contact since the trial, apart from the package he received a few months after he arrived at Bellevue.
When he was handed the bubble-wrap lined manila envelope, he read the return address with hope. The sticker was typed up in cold, professional lettering, addressed from the “New York Police Department.” He opened the envelope and carefully slid out its contents. There was no note, no letter, nothing in the pouch aside from his sister’s worn, leather journal. When he was arrested, all he had were the clothes on his back and his wallet. The rest of his personal belongings – what little he had to begin with – remained in the duffle bag he and Sarah had taken from the farmhouse to her apartment.
His heart pounded when he thought about her bringing it to the station and insisting it be sent to him, but he was confused as to why she wouldn’t have written anything to him in the process. Opening the journal, a piece of paper fell into his lap, and he smiled. Upon inspection, however, he found that it wasn’t a letter, but the photo he kept of his mother, removed from its frame. Skimming through the pages of the journal, he flipped to the end of the book, thinking perhaps she had written something to him on one of the blank pages in the back, but there was nothing.
Coming back to the present, Jacob let out a breath after laying that insecurity on the table, and his frustrations continued to pour out. “She promised that goodbye wouldn’t be forever. I mean, I know I said I needed some time, but eight years?” He shook his head, frustrated. “I don’t know why she hasn’t come to see me.”
“Well,” Doctor Yang began, “what’s the worst-case scenario?”
Jacob looked up from his hands. “What do you mean?”
“Well, it’s possible that there is a perfectly reasonable explanation for Sarah not coming to visit you, but clearly that’s not what you’re worried about,” he explained. “So, what are you worried about?” He leaned forward for effect. “What’s your biggest fear, Jacob?”
It was a familiar question. Doctor Yang had started asking him this question years ago. The first, he instructed Jacob to take three deep breaths before answering. It gave him time to think, really dissect his feelings before blurting out whatever answer came to mind first. Over the years, it proved to be an enlightening experience every time. Such a simple question often yielded a great deal of self-reflection.
This time, however, Jacob knew his answer immediately. He had already thought about this question a lot, went over every possible situation in his mind that could explain Sarah’s absence over the years. He considered that perhaps she had a new boyfriend and didn’t want to hurt him by flaunting their love in his face, or maybe she thought he still needed more time to grow on his own before she re-entered his life. But none of those reasons weighed on his heart more than his biggest fear.
He took his three deep breaths anyway, leaned back in his chair and began.
“I’m afraid things have changed. That… over the years, she’s finally started to see our time together for what it really was.”
“And what was that?” Doctor Yang asked.
Jacob sighed. “I kidnapped her,” he stated. “We weren’t friends. Or… anything more. She was with me because she didn’t have a choice.”
The doctor pursed his lips. “Is that how you see it?”
“No,” Jacob answered with a scoff. “But I haven’t spent the last eight years surrounded by cops who do see it that way.”
“So, you’re worried that Sarah’s memories of your time together have been influenced by her co-workers?” Doctor Yang asked. “That she hasn’t come to see you because she no longer sees you as an ally?”
Jacob could have simply shrugged in passive agreement, but it wasn’t the truth. And if he had been so open with Doctor Yang thus far, what was the point in holding back on his last day?
“No, I’m worried she hasn’t come because she hates me,” he stated blankly.
The doctor responded with his typical “hm.”
“Well,” he began again, setting his pen down, “do you want to hear my advice?”
“Isn’t that why I’m here?” Jacob asked. With a smirk, he added, “I mean, you know, aside from the whole ‘court mandated’ part.”
Doctor Yang returned his chuckle. “Well, my advice is to give it some time,” he said. “You’re about to begin a whole new journey, and I think it would behoove you to see how you fair on your own.”
Jacob turned his eyes back to his hands. He didn’t realize until the words were spoken that it wasn’t the advice he had been hoping for. He knew the man was right, but he was searching for a reason to abandon all logic and track her down, demanding answers.
“You said, yourself, that you’ve never been on your own. I think learning how to be alone, how to be comfortable with your own independence, will be an exciting and valuable experience for you.”
Jacob nodded, his anxiety creeping up on him at the idea.
“And after some time, if you still feel the desire to reconnect with Sarah, you’ll be more prepared to handle whatever that might entail,” the doctor continued, smiling at his own insightfulness.
“Yeah,” Jacob nodded. “You’re probably right.”
“And remember, you won’t be entirely alone,” Doctor Yang reminded. “We’ve set you up with a wonderful therapist in Ohio. You’ll have weekly m
eetings with her, along with the weekly meetings with your parole officer, to keep you accountable.”
“Right,” Jacob agreed, his nerves easing slightly.
“Now, are you sure you’re comfortable with a female therapist?” Doctor Yang inquired. “I know we’ve discussed this before, but I want to make sure everything is squared away before you leave.”
“Yeah, no, that’s fine,” Jacob nodded. He didn’t want to hurt the doctor’s feelings by pointing out that, given his distrustful history with men, a female therapist would probably be preferable.
“Okay, good. Now, let’s see here,” he said, quickly perusing the list of questions he wanted to go over with Jacob before he departed. “Honestly, I think we’ve covered all of this in previous sessions. Unless you have anything else you wanted to discuss,” he looked up at Jacob with a grin, “I think you’re ready.”
Jacob’s lips turned up at the words. Doctor Yang thought he was ready, and despite his fears regarding the changes that were to come, he couldn’t help but agree.
“I don’t think I have any other questions. But…,” he hesitated, sitting up straighter, “I just want to say that this has been better than I ever thought it could be.”
Doctor Yang smiled warmly.
“Seriously,” Jacob continued. “You’re a really great doctor, and I’m gonna miss talking to you,” he encouraged.
“Mmm,” Doctor Yang muttered. “Well, I appreciate that very much, Jacob. You’ve been a joy to work with, as well, and I have no doubt that, if you stick to the rules set for you, take your medication, and participate in your therapy sessions, you will continue to find happiness in your life.”
Jacob smiled, water beginning to blind his vision. He blinked back the tears and wiped his eyes clear as they both chuckled at the sudden emotion in the room.
“Thank you, sir,” Jacob replied with a fervent nod.
Doctor Yang rose to his feet, and Jacob followed suit, extending his hand for a shake. The doctor returned his handshake firmly with both hands. He gave Jacob some instructions on what was to come, informing him that a cab would arrive shortly to take him to the bus station. There, he would begin his journey to Westbridge University, in Cottonwood, Ohio, where he had been enrolled to begin his first semester of college just two weeks after classes had begun for the rest of the students.