by Cassie Beebe
Jacob said his goodbyes to Doctor Yang and made his way to the cafeteria. His stomach was too full of nerves to find breakfast fruitful, but he wanted to bid farewell to the friends he had made over the years at Bellevue.
He found the group easily at their usual table, and the three men greeted him with wide smiles and congratulatory slaps on the back.
“Here he is, Mister Bigshot-Early-Bird,” Mikey jeered, giving Jacob a playful punch as he took the seat beside him at the white, rickety table covered with plastic trays of food. “When you bustin’ out of this joint, anyway?”
“Cab should be here in...,” Jacob turned to glance at the clock above the food counter, “about ten minutes.”
“Wow, ten minutes to freedom,” Max said, shaking his head. “That’s surreal.”
“Tell me about it,” Jacob replied, letting out a sigh as he looked around the large room, reminiscing on his time there over the years. Despite the cold, white walls, the unfriendly staff, and the constant, chaotic buzz of patients muttering things to themselves and others, Bellevue had come to feel nearly like home to Jacob. In fact, he could hardly remember the fear and trepidation he felt when he walked into that cafeteria for the first time.
On his first morning at Bellevue, after arriving late the previous night and getting settled into his shared room, he made his way to the cafeteria for breakfast. He fell into line with the other patients, grabbing a tray and a set of utensils from the stacks on the counter. He graciously accepted his mediocre food from the surly cafeteria workers, pausing at the end of the line as he appraised the full room for a place to sit. With gratitude, he spotted a lone chair in the corner of the room at an empty table. He made a bee-line to get the spot before it was claimed, narrowly dodging the flailing arms of a man with wild eyes, swearing at the empty chair in front of him. Slumping into the uncomfortable, plastic chair, he let out a sigh of relief to at least have a bit of space to himself. Picking absently at the food he didn’t have an appetite for, he glanced around the room again, feeling completely out of place among the other residents. So far, everyone he had encountered had mental issues far more observably significant than his own, and the idea of ever fitting in there felt impossible.
As his eyes continued their sweep of the room, they settled on a thin man sitting at the table across from him. He had long, dirty-blonde hair and a judgmental grimace on his face as he scanned the room as well. They locked eyes for a brief moment before Jacob turned his attention back to his food, experimentally popping a piece of mystery meat in his mouth. The sign by the food station said it was ham, but it tasted more like cheap bologna.
He looked up again, and the young man was still staring at him, eyes narrowed as he appraised Jacob’s appearance. Jacob shifted uncomfortably in his seat, trying to avoid direct eye contact.
“Hey, you,” the man called out. Jacob’s heart raced. Swallowing back his unease, he looked up to meet the man’s gaze. The man leaned forward in his seat, still staring at Jacob with narrowed eyes. “There’s something weird about you,” he stated bluntly.
Jacob raised his eyebrows, taking another glance at the extensive array of “weird” all around them. “Me?” he asked incredulously.
“Yeah,” the man said, rising from his chair and picking up his tray to migrate to Jacob’s table. “You’re too normal,” he dropped his tray on the table and took the seat across from him. “What’s your deal?”
“Uh… what do you mean?” Jacob asked.
“I mean,” the man leaned back in his chair and spread his legs, biting off a piece of blueberry muffin, “what are you in for?”
Jacob blushed at the man’s brazenness, picking up his own muffin and taking a bite.
“Not the sharing type,” the man noted. “Gotcha. No worries. Well hey, I’m Mikey,” he offered, presenting his hand for some kind of gang-inspired shake.
“Jake,” he replied, reciprocating the handshake to the best of his ability.
“First day?” Mikey asked.
Jacob chuckled. “Is it that obvious?”
“Nah,” he shrugged. “It’s just, I was getting worried I was the only normal person here,” he laughed loudly, spooning more food into his mouth.
Jacob cringed at his new friend’s open judgment of the other patients. “So, how long have you been here?” he asked.
“Eh, about a week,” Mikey replied with a shrug.
Jacob raised his eyebrows. “Wow,” he breathed, envious of the man’s seemingly impeccable ability to adapt so quickly to his new surroundings.
“Hey, you gonna eat that?” he asked, pointing at Jacob’s untouched hard-boiled egg.
Jacob shook his head, pushing his tray away from himself. Mikey reached across the table, helping himself to the food.
That shared meal marked the beginning of an interesting friendship. Mikey became a quick comrade of Jacob’s, a source of calm in the middle of the storm. He had an air of confidence in everything he did, which served as a healthy balance to Jacob’s constant anxiety and over-thinking. Mikey was quick to share that he was a self-admitted sex-addict, seeking counseling for that and a few other issues. It took some time for Jacob to open up about his own reasons for being at Bellevue, but eventually, over the years, he had shared enough bits and pieces of his past for Mikey to get a pretty clear picture.
It was just the two of them for a while. The rest of their group formed a few years later, when Max was admitted to the hospital for chronic anxiety and depression. His cousin, Ace, had been there longer than any of them, but he was quiet and always kept to himself. It wasn’t until Max arrived that Ace joined their group, although Jacob and Mikey still didn’t know what he was in for. He didn’t share much, aside from a witty comment every now and again that would put the rest of them in stitches from laughter.
Their crew had remained pretty solid throughout the years. Mikey was released a year after Jacob arrived, but one day, two years later, he came in and plopped himself down at their table again, sporting a bruised eye and a fat lip. They all stared at him in surprise, Max pausing in the middle of dealing out cards.
“What, are you gonna stare at me all day, or are you gonna deal me in?” Mikey had said. He retained his typical casual swagger, but there was something bleak in his eyes. None of them knew what happened, and they never dared to ask. All they knew was that his sudden re-appearance at Bellevue seemed to be a lot less voluntary than his first admission, and although he tried to hide it for a while, Jacob soon noticed that he was taking several medications he wasn’t on before. But Mikey was a classic over-sharer, so if there was something he didn’t want to say, none of them were going to push him for answers.
Instead, they let it go and fell back into their old pattern. Sleep, eat, group sessions, individual sessions, cards in the cafeteria, and sleep again. It wasn’t much of a life, but it was more stability than Jacob ever had before, and the idea of leaving that behind for something completely unknown was unnerving.
“So, what’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you get out?” Max inquired, pulling Jacob from his memories.
Mikey scoffed. “Forget that. What’s the first thing you’re gonna eat?”
Jacob laughed. “I hadn’t really thought about it,” he said, mulling it over.
“Mmm, I’d get a big, juicy steak,” Mikey replied, eyes far off in his imagination. “With mushrooms on top.”
Max let out a moan. “That sounds so good. For me it’d be tacos. Man, I miss tacos.”
“Hm,” Jacob muttered, trying to remember what food he missed the most, but coming up blank. “Ace? What about you?”
Ace glanced up for a moment before turning his eyes back to his tray. He pushed around a pile of scrambled eggs, scooping up a bit on his fork and popping it in his mouth. “Cheesecake.”
Jacob smiled. It was always an accomplishment to get a word out of Ace, and despite the simplicity of the conversation, it seemed like the perfect ending to his time there. Just the guys, chatting t
ogether over one last meal.
“Well, on that note,” he said, pushing back from the table and rising. “I guess I should get going.”
Max stood and pulled him into an easy, firm embrace.
“Take care, Jay,” he instructed with a pat on the shoulder.
Mikey followed suit with an unexpectedly sincere handshake. “So, you gonna come back and see us sometime, or what?”
Jacob smiled. “Of course.”
Mikey briefly returned his grin, and Jacob gave Ace a nod and a wave as he backed away from the table.
“See you guys,” he said, and he made his way to the front doors.
He stopped at the security desk to sign his release form and receive the few personal belongings he had on him when he was admitted. Waiting there for him was a bus ticket to Ohio, a folder full of information on the University he would be attending there, a small pill box to tide him over until he could fill the new prescriptions his therapist in Ohio would provide, and a new, black hoodie. There was a note stuck to the front of the sweatshirt, scrawled in Doctor Yang’s formal script.
In case it gets cold out there.
Take care.
Jacob smiled, tucking the note into his folder and shoving his wallet and the pill container in his pockets as he passed through the metal detectors. Once the guard gave him the okay, he pushed open the heavy, glass door and stepped out into the open air.
Letting the door fall shut behind him, he took in a deep breath of the fresh air. He was struck, first, by the peaceful silence, even in the midst of the city sounds. The still-familiar sounds of cars rushing past on the nearby freeway, ambulance sirens wailing, all faded into the background. For a long moment, he stood and listened to his own breath rising and falling in his chest. That peace was the tangible sensation of freedom.
A chill swept over him in the brisk wind, and he snapped out of his reverie. He slipped his arms into the sleeves of his new sweatshirt as he stepped into the cab awaiting him. He rolled down the window as the driver headed for the bus station, basking in the sunshine that was peeking through the light clouds above. A drop fell from his overflowing eye, and he blinked back the emotion, wiping away the evidence with the back of his hand. With another deep breath, he laid his head back, closed his eyes, and settled in for the beginning of the rest of his life.
THE BUS RANGED FROM moderately crowded to completely empty throughout his journey from New York to Ohio. Passengers came and went, but Jacob remained settled into his window seat, trying to make the most of the quieter moments when the occupancy of the bus was low and he could get some sleep.
Nearing the border of Pennsylvania, the last few passengers departed, leaving Jacob alone with the driver. He was already exhausted from the travel, so he tried to sleep, pulling up the hood of his sweatshirt for extra cushion against the cold glass of the window beside him. He was just beginning to drift off when they arrived at the bus stop in Allentown, where a woman and her young daughter boarded. They passed by Jacob and took a seat across the aisle and a few rows back from where he sat.
He listened as the woman got them settled, in her strained, tired voice, instructing the girl to sit and relax. The quiet whispering lulled his eyes closed again, and sleep finally claimed him.
He was awoken shortly after by the feeling of movement beside him.
“Hello,” a small voice said. He jumped and turned to see the little girl from Allentown sitting beside him.
“Oh,” he muttered, glancing back to where her mother was fast asleep with her head against the window. He took note of the hour on the large, digital clock at the front of the bus, indicating that it had only been ten minutes since their last stop. “Um... hello,” he answered, looking at her uncomfortably for a moment before resting his head back on the wall.
“Mommy said I could have my candy once we got on the bus,” she announced, fiddling with a small bag of M&Ms. Sighing heavily in dramatized disappointment, she added, “but I can’t open it.”
“Well,” Jacob said, trying to get rid of his new companion before crossing any “stranger-danger” boundaries, “that’s… too bad. You should probably just go back to your seat and get some rest, then,” he suggested, closing his eyes again.
“I’m not tired,” she retorted, staying put as she futilely tugged on her bag of candy.
“Well, good for you,” he hinted with a yawn, snuggling deeper into the wall of the bus.
“What’s your name?” she asked after a moment of silence.
Sighing in exasperation, Jacob opened his eyes and rubbed his hands across his face, laying his head against the headrest. Mentally counting the many hours until they would arrive in Cottonwood, he racked his brain for a way to get the chatty girl back to her seat so he could sleep.
“I’m Maggie,” she announced politely.
Jacob chuckled to himself at the coincidence, noting the resemblance as he thought back to the days of his sister following him around the house, never leaving his side and always wanting to be involved in whatever he was doing, even if it was just homework or house chores. With another sigh, he turned to look at the girl. “Of course you are,” he said with a smirk.
She smiled back at him with a sweet, innocent grin.
“I’m Jacob,” he said.
“It’s nice to meet you, Jacob,” she said, cordially offering her tiny hand for a shake.
He just laughed, politely dismissing the physical contact. “Hey,” he started, pointing to her bag of candy. “If I can get that open, do you think I could have a few?” he asked.
She looked down at the bag in her hands, pursing her lips as she considered his offer. Realizing she had no hope of getting it open on her own, she agreed to the deal with an enthusiastic nod. Taking the bag and opening it easily, he poured a few M&Ms into his hand, chuckling again as she watched him carefully to ensure that he wasn’t taking too many. He handed her the bag.
“Thanks,” she said with a smile as they both popped a few candies into their mouths.
“No problem,” he replied, turning to look out at the cloud-covered sky.
“Are you going to Altoona?” the girl asked as she munched on her snack.
“Uh, no,” Jacob answered, confused by her assumption.
“Oh,” she said. “That’s where I’m going. My grandparents live there, in a big, blue house. They have a pool. We’re moving in with them until Daddy gets home from jail.”
Jacob raised his eyebrows at her surprising openness. “Oh yeah?” he chuckled.
“Mhmm,” she mumbled, shoving more candy in her mouth.
“You know, you probably shouldn’t be telling me that,” he pointed out.
Her tiny, dark eyebrows pulled together. “Why not?”
“Well, you don’t know me,” he began, trying to choose his words carefully, to teach her the lesson without scaring her. “I could be a bad man,” he stated, giving her a hopefully harmless smile.
“Are you a bad man?” she countered, unfazed by his statement.
He stared at her for a moment, then turned his attention back to the clouds as he thought about that. For any normal person, it would be a simple inquiry, but it was more complicated for him. He certainly used to be a bad man. He didn’t think of himself as a particularly “bad” man anymore, but could he really go so far as to say he was a good man? These questions continued to weigh on his mind as he searched the sky for answers, when the girl’s mother woke up.
“Maggie?!” she called as she glanced quickly around the nearly empty bus, surprised to see the vacant chair beside her.
“I’m right here,” the girl answered calmly, peeking her head into the aisle.
Her mother got up and strode quickly to her side. Jacob removed his hood and sat up straight in his seat to appear less threatening, giving the woman a polite smile.
“Jacob helped me open my candy,” Maggie announced proudly, pleased with her own resourcefulness. Surprised fear colored her mother’s wide, bloodshot eyes as she glanced
cautiously between the strange man and her daughter.
“Um,” he began, his heartrate elevating, “she just... sat down and started talking to me,” he explained, trying to make it clear that he wasn’t the one who initiated the contact.
After the initial shock wore off, the woman seemed to relax a bit. “Yeah,” she said, grabbing Maggie’s hand. “She does that. Sorry.”
“It’s not a problem,” Jacob replied.
The woman gave him one last apprehensive gaze and guided Maggie back to their seats. As he pulled his hood back up and leaned against the window, he listened to the hushed tones of Maggie’s mother going over the rules for their bus ride again. The rules, of course, included “no talking to strangers” and “no wandering around without permission,” but they seemed to go in one ear and out the other as the girl softly hummed to herself, enjoying her candy.
After twenty minutes of silence, aside from the mother’s quiet sniffling, the little girl began to complain about her boredom.
“I don’t know what to tell you, sweetheart,” her mother said with a sigh, sounding exhausted enough to be overwhelmed by even the simplest of questions.
“Can I go talk to Jacob?” she suggested.
“No, you may not,” her mother quickly replied in a stern voice. Lowering her volume, she added, “He’s a stranger, remember?”
“He could be a bad man,” Maggie stated in understanding.
“Exactly,” her mother answered.
“Like Daddy?” Maggie asked.
There was a long pause, and the woman’s voice was softer when she spoke again. “No, honey,” she said with poorly concealed sadness. “No, Daddy’s not a bad man. He’s just having a hard time right now, and he needed to get some help for a while, okay?”
“But you told Grandma he was bad,” Maggie reminded. “You said you hate him. I thought we weren’t supposed to say that word.”