by Cassie Beebe
“Ah,” he said. “That.”
Jacob turned his attention to the television screen momentarily as he thought back to his high school days again, debating internally over whether or not to correct her false claim. He glanced at her from the side of his view, watching her settle into the pillows behind her as she watched the glowing screen and munched on her popcorn.
“Well,” he began, still unsure of where he was going with the sentence. “I wouldn’t exactly say that I don’t have… any sexual baggage.”
Jenna raised an eyebrow. “Oh? Do tell,” she smirked, excitedly settling in for what she falsely assumed would be a fun story.
“It’s not like that,” he muttered, wishing he would have just let it go and not said anything. “I mean, it wasn’t exactly… consensual.”
Jenna appraised his expression as his words sank in, and he gauged her response. She kept her face intentionally smooth. “Oh,” she said after a moment of deliberation.
Jacob’s heartrate spiked at the one-word reply, concerned that perhaps she wouldn’t be as understanding as he assumed. After a moment of silence, he realized he may have phrased his statement poorly.
“Um… just to be clear, I don’t mean…,” he hesitated, rephrasing. “I mean, I was the… you know, victim,” he clarified.
“Oh!” Jenna repeated, a look of relieved realization spreading across her face. The look was quickly replaced with guilt. “Oh, my gosh! I can’t believe I just assumed…,” she squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head at herself. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he said, dismissing her apology with a nervous laugh. “It was a fair assumption.”
“No,” she stated firmly, keeping his gaze with severity. “It wasn’t. I’m sorry.”
He gave her an understanding look.
“So,” she began, biting her lip as their conversation took on a more somber tone. “What happened?” she asked gently. “I mean, is that even okay for me to ask, or…?”
“No, it’s okay,” he reassured. “I’ve talked about it before.” He swallowed. “It was in high school. He was a teacher. Gym. One of those teachers all the kids loved.”
Jenna turned on her side, resting an elbow on her pillow to face him more comfortably.
“I, um…,” he trailed off, rubbing the back of his neck. “I thought I saw him earlier. At the restaurant. So… that’s what that was about.”
He glanced over at her, and understanding lit her eyes.
“But it wasn’t him,” he shook his head. “I mean, it couldn’t have been, anyway. He died a while back.”
Jenna opened her mouth, but nothing came out, so she just nodded.
Jacob cleared his throat. “Anyway, one day, he called me into his office to talk about the bruises on my arms,” he continued quietly, lost in the memories. “Usually I’d wear a sweatshirt or something to cover that stuff up, but we had class outside that day and it was hot, so I must have taken it off. Anyway, it wasn’t the first time a teacher noticed it, and I usually had a story or an excuse. But when he asked me, for some reason I just… told him the truth.” He shook his head at his past-self. “It was one of those ‘instant regret’ moments. Saying that to a teacher?” he raised his eyebrows at Jenna for emphasis and she mirrored the expression. “I mean, I’m pretty sure they’re required to report stuff like that. But anyway, he told me he wasn’t gonna tell anybody. That it could just be between us. I remember thinking…,” he trailed off for a moment, letting out a humorless chuckle, “how lucky I was.” He shook his head again and rolled his eyes at his folly.
“Anyway, after that, since he knew I didn’t like to be at home, he would always make excuses for me to stay after school. Like, he’d ask me to help clean up the equipment after class, or sometimes I’d just do homework in his office while he worked. It was…” he began, blushing from the admission, “it was nice, you know? Having a place that felt…,” he paused, searching for the right word.
“Safe?” Jenna offered.
He turned to meet her gaze, surprised by the accurate suggestion. “Yeah,” he nodded. Turning his eyes back to the television, he added, “Sounds pretty dumb, huh?”
“No,” she replied instantly, shaking her head. “No, it doesn’t sound dumb.”
He met her intense gaze again, staring at her for a moment, pleasantly surprised by how much she understood.
“I mean it’s not like he just…,” he paused for a moment, lowering his already quiet voice even more as he cringed at the word, “like… raped me or something. I would have known that was… I mean, I was in high school. I knew about sex, but I didn’t know what a normal male relationship was supposed to look like. It’s just…,” he trailed off again, fidgeting nervously with his fingers as he tried to put his complicated past feelings into words, “it’s hard to know when someone crosses a line if you don’t even know where the line is supposed to be, you know?”
Jenna nodded empathetically.
“Of course, eventually, it became more… obvious,” Jacob stated, leaving the details to her imagination. He sighed and said, “Anyway, that’s pretty much it.”
“What did you do?” she asked. “I mean, once you realized what was happening.”
Jacob shrugged, blushing. “Nothing.”
She raised her eyebrows. “You didn’t tell anybody?”
Jacob gave her a light scoff. “I didn’t exactly have anybody to tell,” he replied. “Which… in retrospect, is probably what made me so appealing,” he realized.
“You don’t think your dad would have cared?” she asked with obvious pity in her sad eyes.
“Oh, he would have cared,” Jacob barked a hard laugh. “Probably would have tried to ‘beat the gay out of me’ or something,” he sneered.
After a lengthy silence, he added, “I mean, not that I’m… I’m not…,” he stuttered, turning to read her expression.
“No, no, I know,” she quickly replied, easing his discomfort.
“I suppose I could have told the principal. But then, of course, she would have told my dad, and we know how that would have went,” he rolled his eyes. “I guess the best option would have been to go to the police, but…,” he shook his head, “it’s hard to explain, but… I liked him,” he admitted with a cringe. “I thought he was a good teacher. And at that time, I still thought he cared about me.”
She watched his expression carefully as his eyes grew further away in his memories, the image of that crooked smile pervading his mind for the thousandth time and settling like a rock in his gut.
“I…,” he paused, closing his eyes and scoffing at himself. “I didn’t want to ruin his life,” he admitted. “I know that’s probably hard to understand, but people like that, they just….”
“Suck?” she finished, trying to lighten the mood before the water in her eyes spilled over.
Jacob chuckled at her effort to keep her emotions at bay. “Yeah,” he nodded, giving her a half-hearted smile as he grabbed his water from the nightstand and took a drink. “Yeah, they suck,” he echoed, staring at the cup in his hand.
“Mmm,” she agreed with a nod of her own.
He appraised her compassionate expression for a moment before asking, “You know what’s weird?”
“Hmm?”
“Telling you that… wasn’t weird,” he stated, fighting back against his suddenly heavy eyelids that were starting to droop.
She gave him a kind grin. “Well, we have shared a lot already,” she said.
“Yeah, but it’s always been like that with you,” he retorted, staring at her through narrowed, skeptical eyes, trying to decipher what it was that was so different about her. “You’re just… easy.”
She widened her eyes in mock offense. “I’m easy?”
He laughed. “You know what I mean,” he said, stifling a yawn and closing his eyes as he lay back against his pillow. “You’re, um… you…,” he trailed off as his consciousness began to drift.
Jenna stared at him in antic
ipation, waiting for the end of his sentence. After a second, the cup began to slip out of his fatigued hand, nearly spilling water on the sheets between them.
“Whoa! Okay, let’s put this down,” she chuckled, taking the glass out of his hand and reaching over him to place it on the nightstand.
Jacob took in a breath and forced his eyes open.
“Hey,” he whispered, catching her hand as it passed over his chest after returning the glass to the table. He met her gaze in the dark silence, the light from the television screen illuminating her eyes as the movie credits rolled. “I’m about to crash, here,” he said with a weak smirk, “but before I do… I wanted to thank you again.”
“For?” she asked.
“Just…,” he shook his head and chuckled once, “everything.”
She returned his soft smile.
The fatigue was pulling hard against his eyelids, but he had more to say. “You’re…,” he dozed off briefly, waking himself with a sharp intake of breath. “You’re pretty great,” he finished with a sleepy grin.
She smirked, looking coyly down at their hands. She bit her lip and moved her fingers gently against his.
Jacob followed her gaze to their now intertwined fingers, the smoothness of her skin burning against his palm. A sudden heavy air washed over the room, and he was having trouble controlling his breath, his eyes falling closed for a moment. The lack of sight only intensified his sense of touch, and he was acutely aware of the warmth radiating off of her skin. He was surprised by the lukewarm breeze of her breath on his cheek, closer than expected.
Swallowing unnecessarily, due to his suddenly dry mouth, he opened his eyes again. It was easier this time, the spike in his heartrate alleviating some of the effects of the sleeping pills. His gaze was still focused on their hands, and nothing had moved so much as a centimeter since he shut his eyes. Swallowing again and breathing deeply to calm the pounding of his heart, he turned his gaze cautiously back to hers.
She was already studying his face with scrutinizing eyes, and with a quick glance to her chest he noted that he wasn’t the only one struggling to catch a steady breath. His gaze lingered longer than necessary on the small piece of black lace that was peeking out from the top of her tank top, and a sharp pang in his gut made his breath hitch.
He forced his gaze back to hers before his eyes gradually drifted close on their own accord. He couldn’t tell if he was moving forward, but her warm breath was getting closer. His own breath came quicker, more shallow, and his heart was rising from his chest to his throat. When his lips finally brushed hers, he stopped breathing altogether. Frozen in place, he protruded his lips until they grazed hers with a bit more force. She closed the gap more fully, gently pressing her lips against his for a long moment.
Despite the pounding in his chest and the ringing in his ears, Jacob’s mind remained hazy from the pills. Concentration was becoming more difficult by the second, and in spite of his desires, his consciousness began to slip again. He was jolted alert a second later, eyes still closed, by the vibration of Jenna’s soft chuckle inches away from his lips.
“You should sleep,” she whispered.
“Mmm,” was all he could manage in response.
When he felt her begin to pull away, the springs in the mattress groaning as she shifted her weight to rise from the bed, Jacob blindly reached out, resting his hand on her arm to halt her departure.
He wanted to tell her that she should get some sleep, too. That if she desired company, a warm body next to her to make her feel safe, she was welcome to remain with him. That she was always welcome.
But, overcome with the weight of fatigue, all that came out of his mouth was the single word “stay.”
The bed was still as she deliberated. The last thing he felt before slumber overtook him were the springs of the mattress sinking again as she settled back in beside him.
“JACOB?”
Jacob’s eyes fluttered open when he heard his name, a cool hand on his shoulder. Jenna was standing above him, fully dressed with a tube of mascara in her other hand.
“You said breakfast at Bellevue starts at eight, right?” she asked him, her voice far too loud and awake for his liking.
He took in a breath and rubbed his eyes with his palms, clearing his mind from the hazy sleep. “Uh, yeah,” he replied, confused by the question. “Why?”
“It’s 7:30,” she replied, glancing at the clock on the bedside table.
Jacob followed her gaze, staring at the numbers for a moment until they made sense. “Oh,” he responded, sitting up a little too quickly. He shook his head clear of the dizzying rush.
Jenna headed back to the mirror across from the bathroom to continue applying her makeup, and he set his feet down on the firm carpet. “It goes ‘til ten, I think, so we should be okay,” he told her.
“Okay. Well, I packed up most of our stuff,” she said, pausing her mascara application to nod toward their luggage on her bed. “I hope that’s okay.”
“Yeah, thanks,” he replied, heading to the bathroom. “I just gotta take a quick shower, and I’ll be ready,” he explained.
He kept the water cool to wake himself up more quickly, his mind still foggy from staying up late the night before. It wasn’t until he was lathering the cheap hotel shampoo into his hair that the details of the night came flooding back to him.
His hands froze on his head and his eyes went wide.
Holy shit, Jacob thought. I kissed my best friend.
It took a few minutes of the cool water running down his back before he could move again. His mind was racing as he tried to piece together the rest of the details, to remember what lead to the kiss. Their conversation began to come back to him, and his heart raced even faster as he remembered all of the personal, intimate things he shared with her. He had a brief but strong moment of panic before he was able to comfort himself with the fact that she was still here and hadn’t run far, far away in the dark of the night.
In fact, not only was she still there, but she seemed perfectly normal, almost as if nothing had happened. Jacob wondered if she had forgotten about the kiss as well, but he quickly rejected that theory, given that the only reason for his lack of memory was the sleeping pills he had taken, and she had been completely sober-minded. So why hadn’t she brought it up? Why was she acting so nonchalant? Was she waiting for him to bring it up first? Or was it because it didn’t mean anything to her? Jenna had a lot more experience than he did with this kind of thing, and it was entirely possible that a simple kiss didn’t mean as much as he thought it did.
Still, he knew he had to talk to her, to explain what last night meant to him. With another burst of panic, however, he realized he didn’t have a clue what to say, because he didn’t know what last night meant to him. He could barely even remember why they kissed, whether he initiated it or she did, how long it lasted. Everything was clouded by the drowsiness, like he couldn’t be sure if it was real or a dream.
The water had turned from cool to freezing, and Jacob’s hair was rinsed free from shampoo. He couldn’t remember if he had washed his body or not, but he had been in the shower for a good ten minutes, and he knew they needed to get going if they were going to get to Bellevue in time for breakfast. Dissecting his feelings about Jenna and their kiss would have to wait until later.
He turned off the water and grabbed a towel from the bar above the toilet, drying off quickly and stepping out of the tub. He glanced around the room in search of the clothes he had laid out the night before, but when he took note of the cleared off countertop, he remembered Jenna saying she had already packed some of his things. He looked at his pajamas on the floor, debating for a moment whether or not to put them back on before heading out to the bedroom to retrieve the clean clothes from his bag. Not wanting to waste the time, he wrapped the towel around his waist and walked out the bathroom door, past Jenna to the suitcases on the bed.
She paused her hair routine to appraise him through the mirror. Watching as
he rifled through the bags, she realized her mistake. “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said with an apologetic grimace. “I thought those clothes on the counter were dirty.”
“Nah, it’s okay,” Jacob replied. After locating the outfit, he glanced back at her as he headed into the bathroom again. Catching her lingering glance at his towel-clad form, his shoulders stiffened in defense, self-conscious about the father-made scars on his back. But when he saw that her gaze was much lower than back-level, he smirked to himself.
Perhaps that kiss meant something after all.
The drive to Bellevue was quiet. Aside from directing Jenna through the streets of the city, Jacob spent most of his time either wondering what she was thinking, or too lost in his own thoughts to care.
The more details of the previous night he remembered, the more confused he became by her frustrating nonchalance. How could she just sit there, merging calmly onto the freeway and humming along to Ella Fitzgerald, remaining complete unfazed by the intimate moment they had shared?
Then again, Jacob thought to himself, I haven’t brought it up, either. He realized that, to her, he probably appeared just as calm and indifferent as she did to him. Perhaps, internally, she was in just as much of a state of panic as he was.
Just as Jacob decided to move on from trying to read Jenna’s mind to trying to understand his own feelings, they pulled into the Bellevue parking lot. They parked the car and got out in silence. Meeting in front of the car to head toward the doors, she reached out and grabbed his hand, and he stared at their clasped hands in surprise.
“Uh… what…,” he stuttered, meeting her innocently confused gaze. Finally recalling their faux relationship status, he said “Oh,” laughing at himself. “I forgot about that.”
She chuckled. “Figured we better keep up the pretense, right?” she asked as they approached the security doors.
“Yeah, no, of course,” he agreed, clearing his throat, acutely aware of the clamminess of his palms.
There was a moment of awkward shuffling when they both reached for the door handle at the same time. She let him open it, and he began to walk through before remembering chivalry. He clumsily stepped back to allow her to walk through ahead of him, a maneuver made even more uncomfortable when he stepped back onto her foot.