by Cassie Beebe
“Oh, sorry,” he mumbled, letting go of her hand as she walked in ahead of him. He wondered why the simple act of holding her hand had turned him into some kind of inept idiot, as if it was the first time they had ever done such a thing.
He took the few minutes of separation due to security checks to clear his head and his nerves. After they were checked-in as guests and escorted to the cafeteria, when she offered him her hand again, he accepted it with more confidence. He scanned the cafeteria for a moment, searching for his friends.
“Hey, Jay!” someone called from a corner of the room. Jacob’s head snapped toward the sound, and he saw Max waving them exuberantly over to the table where he sat with Ace and Mikey.
Jacob and Jenna made their way through the crowded cafeteria – full of residents, family, and guests alike – to their small table in the far corner.
“Hey, guys,” Jacob greeted. “I’ll go get us a couple trays,” he told Jenna, pulling out a chair for her beside Max, avoiding the empty chair beside Mikey that was already conspicuously and invitingly pulled out from the table.
Given their tardiness, the line for food was short, most everyone else having already made their way through. Jacob made polite small talk with the cafeteria workers as they dished up two trays, one for him and one for Jenna. When he returned to the table, setting the trays down and taking the seat between Mikey and Jenna, the conversation was focused on his “girlfriend” as she told the men about the karaoke bar he had taken her to.
“You got Jay to sing on stage?” Max asked incredulously. “Man, he must really like you.”
Jenna smiled and turned her attention to Jacob. “Max was just asking me what I’ve enjoyed most about New York,” she filled him in.
“And you picked that?” Jacob raised his eyebrows, questioning her sanity.
She laughed. “Well, the whole trip was great,” she conceded.
Jacob grabbed the pudding cup from Jenna’s tray and, along with the one from his and the extra one he had swiped when the cafeteria workers weren’t looking, tossed them in front of Mikey to repay him for ruining his poker hand.
Mikey gave him a salute and stacked his cups in a small tower beside his food.
“What about you, Jay?” Max interjected. “Favorite part of the week?”
Jacob’s mind instantly flashed back to the previous night. The intimate conversation, the tension in the air, her electric lips brushing against his in the darkness.
Heat flooded his cheeks as he glanced at Jenna’s expectant gaze from the corner of his eye.
“Um,” he cleared his throat, trying to think of something – anything – else to say. “Seeing you guys, I guess,” he shrugged, unable to remember anything else that was noteworthy about being back in New York.
“Aww,” Ace replied, pressing a hand to his heart with artificial emotion and fluttering his eyelashes, making them all laugh.
They shared more memories from the trip as they ate, discussing all of the sites they saw, and most importantly to the men, all of the food they had along the way.
“I never thought I cared much for sushi, but she dragged me into this place in West Village, and oh my gosh,” Jacob gushed, his eyes rolling back at the memory. “It was incredible.”
“Ugh, I’m so jealous,” Max moaned. “I miss sushi.”
“Maybe I’ll sneak in some seaweed-wrapped contraband next time I stop by,” Jacob winked.
Jenna laughed and twisted at the top of her water bottle, but it refused to budge. Wordlessly, Jacob took it from her, screwed open the top, and returned it to her hand.
Mikey let out a whistle. “Damn, look at them moves,” he raised his eyebrows. “I gotta try that on my girlfriend,” he added, glancing at Jenna to read her reaction to his relationship status.
Jacob scoffed. “And by girlfriend, do you mean your mom?”
The other boys responded with a resounding “ohhh,” and Mikey just chuckled.
“Yeah, okay,” he laughed, stabbing his last piece of pancake and rubbing it in the leftover syrup on his plate. “This coming from a guy who was in love with his sister for fifteen years.”
The laughter slowly came to a halt. Jacob stared at his empty tray.
“Dude,” Ace cringed, shaking his head at Mikey.
“What?” Mikey replied, looking around the table at the unamused expressions. “Oh, come on! He can make an incest joke, and I can’t?” he demanded, pointing at Jacob with his fork.
“Well, I mean… it’s not really a joke if it’s true,” Ace muttered under his breath.
“Oh, hey! Jenna!” Max interjected loudly, making her jump a bit at the sudden exclamation. “What, uh… what are you studying in school?” he asked, changing the subject and leaning forward on his elbow to capture her attention more closely.
“Uh,” Jenna stuttered, distracted by Jacob’s uncomfortable expression and the hushed tones of Mikey and Ace arguing on the sidelines. “Well, I’m majoring in business,” she answered, Max drawing her attention back to him with his unusually intense gaze. “But I’m also studying music composition.”
“Oh, wow, that’s so interesting. What kind of music do you write?” Max replied, keeping her attention on their conversation as Jacob stood up and gathered some of the trays on the table to bring back to the kitchen.
Mikey begrudgingly gathered the rest of the trays and followed Jacob to the trash cans to clear them.
He cleared his throat. “Hey, man, you know I was kidding about that stuff, right?” he asked, peeking at Jacob as he scraped leftover food into one of the trash bins.
“I wasn’t in love with…,” Jacob trailed off awkwardly, keeping his eyes on his tray.
“Dude, come on, who are you talking to?” Mikey interrupted, giving him a light tap on the shoulder and making eye contact until Jacob returned his gaze. “You think I would have said that if I actually thought it was true? It was a joke.”
Jacob sighed. It wasn’t the first time someone had made a snide remark about the nature of his relationship with his sister. Growing up, their close bond was always questioned and mocked by fellow students at school or neighbors in the area. The comment hit home a little too hard, but appraising Mikey’s apologetic expression, he knew he didn’t mean anything by it.
Jacob shrugged it off and nodded, turning his attention back to scraping the trays.
“So… we’re good?” Mikey asked, still staring.
“Yeah, of course,” Jacob replied.
Mikey nodded, stacking up the cleared trays to bring to the dishwashers.
“So,” he began, handing over the trays after Jacob had finished scraping the last one. “Your girl seems cool.”
Jacob smiled. “Yeah, she is.”
“Dude, if you mess things up with her, I’m gonna kick you in the balls,” Mikey threatened with severity.
Jacob raised his eyebrows and chuckled. “Seems a bit drastic,” he noted.
“I’m serious, man,” Mikey said with a not-so-serious laugh. “Look,” he started, placing a hand on Jacob’s shoulder and leaning in to emphasize his point. “Guys like us,” he gestured between them, “don’t get girls like her.”
Jacob’s gaze followed Mikey’s thumb, pointing back to the table where Jenna was sitting with the other guys. She made effortless conversation, laughing and rolling her eyes at something Max said about his cousin’s ragged hair, and her smile made Jacob’s stomach leap.
“I mean, I have no idea how this even happened in the first place,” Mikey went on, shaking his head at the mismatched pair, “but seriously, man. You do whatever you gotta do to keep that one around.”
Jacob smirked, trying to conceal the blush that was forming on his cheeks. “That’s…,” he paused, glancing back at Jenna as she flipped her bangs out of her face, “not bad advice.”
Mikey gave him a grin and a pat on the arm. He cleared his throat and said, “You know, it’s good to see you doing so good, man.”
Jacob smiled at the effort Mikey w
as going through to be sentimental, if only for a moment.
“Gives us assholes something to look forward to,” Mikey chuckled, lightening the mood.
“You’re doing good too, though,” Jacob stated with assurance.
Mikey snorted. “What makes you say that?”Jacob thought for a moment. There was something different about Mikey, but he couldn’t quite put it into words. “I don’t know…,” he trailed off, narrowing his eyes as he thought. “But you are, though. Aren’t you?”
Mikey turned his eyes to his shoes, smirking through his pursed lips, debating how to respond. “Well… I haven’t told the guys yet, but…,” he paused, looking back at Jacob’s expectant expression, “Doc says I might not have to be in here much longer.”
Jacob’s eyebrows shot up in pleasant surprise. “For real?”
Mikey shrugged, feigning nonchalance. “Could be like… I don’t know, a year. Maybe less.”
“Dude, that’s amazing!” Jacob exclaimed with a grin.
Mikey smiled deeper. “Yeah. I mean, I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much, but yeah.”
“Well, the minute you step outside those doors,” Jacob said, pointing toward the front doors, “you call me. I’ll come over and we can crack a bottle of champagne or something.”
“You?” Mikey asked skeptically.
Jacob chuckled. “Hey, man, if you’re out of here in less than a year, even I’ll drink to that.”
“Yeah?” Mikey smiled brighter at the idea.
“Yep,” Jacob vowed with a nod.
“Well, swap the champagne for a good scotch and I’m there.”
Jacob nodded again, serious now. “You got a deal,” he said, extending his hand for a shake.
Mikey returned his handshake with a smirk, pulling him into a brief, back-slapping hug.
Despite his friend’s often-surly attitude, there was something about Jacob’s relationship with Mikey that had always outweighed his friendships with the other guys at Bellevue. They had a history together, and for some reason that seemed to win out above shared interests, common values, and complimentary personalities. It was a phenomenon that had never made sense to Jacob, but he had decided long ago to stop questioning it and just appreciate it for what it was.
They headed back to the table, and Mikey took his seat. Jacob hesitated, resting his hand on the back of Jenna’s chair.
“We should probably get going, if we want to get home before, like… tomorrow morning,” Jacob stated.
She chuckled. “You’re probably right,” she said, standing up from her chair.
“Yeah, of course,” Max said, jumping to his feet to embrace Jacob. “Don’t be a stranger, okay?” he requested, pulling away from their hug.
“I won’t,” Jacob promised, giving Ace a firm pat on the back where he was seated.
Jacob gave Mikey one last hug as Max bid Jenna farewell with a gentle, double-handed handshake. She gave Ace and Mikey a wave, and Jacob casually slipped his hand into hers as they made their way to the doors.
“So,” Jenna began as they stepped out into the parking lot. “Is Mikey always an ass?”
Jacob barked a laugh. “Yeah, kinda,” he decided after a minute of thought.
She laughed. “You know,” she said as they approached the car, her fingers lingering on his for a brief moment before letting their hands fall apart. “You may not have had a great family, but…,” she trailed off with a soft grin, giving a nod toward the hospital building, “you’ve got a pretty great family.”
Jacob chuckled at her phrasing, then nodded thoughtfully at the statement. He slipped his now free hand into his pocket and appraised Jenna’s compassionate gaze. She gave him that trademark shy smile he had come to love, and his stomach squeezed in on itself in response.
“So,” she started, blushing under the scrutiny of his eyes as she looked away and tried to tuck her bangs behind her ear, always forgetting they were too short to stay there. “I guess we should get back on the road.”
Jacob was distracted by his thoughts as Mikey’s words echoed in his head. Guys like us don’t get girls like her. Maybe he was right. Maybe last night was nothing but a whim brought on by the tension of the intimate conversation.
When he didn’t respond to her suggestion, Jenna looked up from her feet, meeting his eyes again. Reading his intensity, her face exuded a strange look of anticipation, and Mikey’s advice continued to roll through Jacob’s mind.
You do whatever you have to do to keep her around.
He knew exactly what would happen if they got in her car and headed back to Ohio without talking about that kiss.
All too soon, life would go back to normal. Routine would set in, and that night would become nothing but a distant memory, an untouchable fantasy. The details would fade, their friendship would remain the same, maybe even better than it had been before. It would be easy.
After all the hurdles Jacob had to jump in his life – sometimes barely making it over without crashing to the ground – easy was appealing. Easy could be good.
But could it be great? Could he live with the all-consuming “what if” that was eating at him now? Would that fade too, along with the memory of their kiss, or would the nagging question only grow stronger with time? Was easy the kind of life his sister had always dreamed for him?
There were so many things he wanted to say – about her, their kiss, his feelings, the future – but something inside him was holding him back. Instead, he heard himself answer, “Yeah, that sounds good.”
Jenna’s smile remained in place, but he thought he detected a hint of disappointment in her eyes when she replied, “Alrighty,” and headed over to the driver’s side of the car.
Jacob closed his eyes for a moment, mentally kicking himself for being such a wuss. But it wasn’t just fear stopping him from telling Jenna how he felt. There was something else, something he couldn’t yet place.
With a defeated sigh, he stepped into the car, closed the door, and clicked his seat belt in place, resigning himself to being, as Mikey would put it, “a big, fat pussy” and keeping his feelings to himself. After Jenna turned the ignition and headed out of the parking lot, Frank Sinatra came bursting through the speakers. The familiar song made Jacob’s heart skip a beat, and suddenly he understood what was holding him back.
Without thinking, he asked, “Would it be okay if we made one more stop?”
“Sure,” Jenna answered. “Just tell me where to go.”
He deliberated for a moment, deciding. “Make a left up here.”
AS JENNA MANEUVERED HER way into a parallel parking spot in front of the apartment complex, Jacob’s nerves spiked. He reassured himself with the likely idea that he had the wrong address. After all, it had been several years since he had any reason to know where Detective Mike Bentley lived.
A few years into his therapy at Bellevue, Doctor Yang had recommended Jacob go on a journey of “making amends,” and Detective Bentley was one of many people on his list to send a letter of apology. He hadn’t taken any particular care to save Mike’s address, but it was an easy one to remember, and Jacob had always been good with numbers. But even if it was the right address, it was entirely possible that Jacob still wouldn’t find what he was truly looking for there. And given his nerves, he wasn’t sure if that would be a disappointment or a relief.
Still, he had requested the detour, and Jenna had graciously agreed without complaint. He had to give it a shot.
“I’ll just be a couple minutes,” he said, voice shaking through his nerves. “Is that alright?”
Jenna nodded. “Of course,” she said, eyeing him with concern as he took a deep, steadying breath.
Releasing the breath, he willed himself to be brave. “Okay,” he said definitively, stepping out of the car and walking briskly through the front door, along with a flower delivery man, before he had a chance to change his mind.
Making his way up three flights of stairs, his heart raced as he tried to put his jumbled though
ts together. He assumed he would have had a handle on what he wanted to say by now, but the words weren’t coming as easily as he thought they would. He took another breath, telling himself the words would come when they needed to.
As he reached the top of the third floor, he took a few hesitant steps forward until he was face to face with the door of Mike’s apartment. He cleared his throat, squared his shoulders, and knocked firmly on the wood.
Within a minute, which felt more like ten, he heard the clicking of high heels on the other side of the door. Here we go.
The door opened wide, and Sarah Parker stood frozen on the other side, dressed in a professional skirt and blazer, one pearl earring still in hand.
“Jake,” she stated in surprise, staring at him with wide eyes. “I didn’t know you were in New York. How… what are you doing here?” she asked.
Jacob was too distracted by the fact that Sarah was actually standing in front of him to focus on her question, so he just blurted out the first thing that came to mind.
“Why didn’t you tell me about Mike?”
Sarah continued to stare at him for a moment, stunned by his bluntness. “Um,” she muttered, glancing at her gold watch and the earring in her hand. “Why don’t you come inside,” she offered, opening the door a little wider.
He thought about rejecting her offer – demanding a simple, quick answer to his question –but after a moment, he found himself stepping hesitantly over the threshold. He took a few steps into the living room as Sarah closed the door behind him. Glancing around the room, he tried not to notice the feminine touches to the space, the engagement photos plastered across the walls, and the wedding catalog on the coffee table. Deciding this was a bad idea, he turned back toward the door where Sarah was securing her other earring in place, and he was face to face again with her diamond engagement ring, taunting him with its sparkling glare.
When he met her gaze again, however – the eyes he can never seem to get out of his mind, the eyes that frequent his daydreams more than he would care to admit – he was reminded of his purpose. He needed answers. He wouldn’t be able to move on without them.