by Cassie Beebe
He regained his composure and repeated his question. “Why didn’t you tell me about Mike?”
Sarah let out a deep sigh, letting her arms fall to her sides. “Well… I mean, there wasn’t exactly a good window to slip it into conversation,” she said. “It was such a brief encounter, and you seemed like you might be in a hurry, so….”
Jacob’s eyebrows furrowed together. He was confused for a moment before he realized that they were referring to different points in time.
With an impatient scoff, he said, “No, Sarah, I don’t mean ‘why didn’t you tell me about Mike in the grocery store two months ago.’” He shook his head as she looked up at his irritated expression. “I mean, why didn’t you tell me about Mike eight years ago?”
She turned her eyes back to her hands with a blush when she understood the difference in his question
“It’s been eight years,” Jacob repeated, his words flowing freely now that the gates were opened. “I mean... I know I said I needed time, and I tried to put on a brave face, but you saw through that.” He shook his head. “You knew me better than that.”
Sarah nodded her head gravely, water rising in her eyes as she avoided his gaze.
“You knew I would be waiting,” he stated. “You knew I…,” he hesitated, embarrassed by the confession, “had hope.”
Their eyes met as he paused, hers glassy.
“And at some point, over the past eight years,” he continued, crossing his arms as he stared at the carpet beneath his feet, “that hope became a lie.”
Cringing at his words, Sarah nodded in agreement, a tear spilling over onto her cheek.
“You should have told me,” he said firmly, finally allowing himself to believe that all of the waiting she had put him through was wrong, that despite all of his mistakes, he still deserved better. With an affirming nod, he said as much to himself as he did to her, “I deserved that.”
Sarah pressed a hand over her mouth, her tears flowing rapidly now as she stared at the floor. After a moment, she finally raised her head, still avoiding his gaze with her eyes. “You’re right,” she nodded gravely. “I should have told you.”
After a long moment of silence, she finally turned her eyes to his and they welled up again. “I never meant…,” she trailed off, a sob catching in her throat. She shook her head and rolled her eyes in frustration with herself. Closing her eyes for a brief second before letting them connect with his again, she said, “I never wanted to hurt you, Jake.”
He clenched his jaw and stared at his feet, shoving his hands in his pockets and trying to keep his emotion at bay as he waited patiently for an explanation.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered sincerely through her tears.
The words sent a few drops down his cheeks, and he reached up quickly to wipe away the evidence. He took a few deep breaths and nodded in acceptance. Once he realized she was waiting for him to speak, he reminded her, “You haven’t answered my question.”
She sighed. “I didn’t want to hurt you,” she said. “I knew how well you were doing, and I didn’t want to –”
“Bullshit,” Jacob interjected. Sarah’s eyebrows shot up in surprise at his interruption. “I would have been happy for you,” he crossed his arms again, exasperated by her evasion.
Sarah kept her eyes on his for a minute, reading his sincerity. Finally, she dropped her gaze back to her hands and let out a breath. “I know,” she admitted.
Jacob remained silent, waiting.
After a minute of deep breathing, gaining her courage, Sarah finally wiped a tear from her cheek, cleared her throat and spoke.
“If I told you about Mike, I would have lost you,” she stated confidently. Jacob opened his mouth to object, but she held up a halting hand. “I know you’re gonna say that’s not true, but it is. Maybe not completely, but… things never would have been the same with us,” she shook her head, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment. “And I guess I wasn’t ready to lose that.”
Jacob stared at her with a mix of confusion, anger, and an inexplicable compassion that only brought on more anger.
“And I know that’s awful,” she shook her head again, placing a hand against her face to hide behind. “And selfish. But you wanted to know why, and that’s why.” She shrugged, still blushing and avoiding his gaze. “I didn’t want anything to change. I never came to see you because I couldn’t lie to you, but I just couldn’t let go of… whatever we had.”
Jacob stared at her guilt-ridden expression, silently piecing together her explanation and judging her sincerity. He took a deep breath, running his hand across his face.
Nodding his head in acceptance, he replied, “Okay.”
Sarah looked up at him. “Okay?” she asked, hesitantly hopeful.
“Yeah,” he replied, nodding again. Giving her as much of a tiny, forgiving smile as he could manage. He was still angry, but he had gotten the answers he came there for.
She let out a deep breath, returning his gaze with gratefulness in her eyes. “I really am sorry,” she said, her eyes welling up again.
He nodded. “I know.”
Appraising the emotion in her eyes, taking note of something deeper and unknown, a pressing question arose in his mind. There was a feeling lingering there, in her expression, that he couldn’t quite place, one he thought he recognized but couldn’t bring himself to believe. She continued to meet his gaze as he searched her eyes.
Perhaps it was the real reason he came to see her, the real answer he needed to hear before he could move on with his life. Figuring it was his last chance to ever ask, he began.
“Did you ever...,” his question trailed off as he stared at her for a long moment. Finally, he broke the connection of their gaze and looked to his feet, shaking his head. “Never mind,” he decided. “Doesn’t matter.”
“Yes,” Sarah replied firmly.
His ears perked at the word, but he kept his eyes safely on the floor as he asked, “Yes, what?”
He could feel her eyes on him, despite avoiding her gaze. “Yes, I loved you,” she replied, answering his unspoken question.
His stomach dropped instantly, and he wondered if that was a question that would have been better left unanswered. Was either answer really helpful to hear, now that the future was decided? Now that she had moved on, and nothing could ever come of those feelings? His heart raced faster as he reminded himself how to breathe. Still staring at the carpet between them, he struggled with how to reply to that revelation.
Finally meeting her gaze, he decided that all that really mattered to him now was that they leave things on good terms. If they weren’t going to be able to make any more memories together, he at least wanted to know that they could both look back on the ones they already had with fondness rather than regret. And, in order for that to be possible, she had to know that he didn’t have any animosity toward her or Mike.
“I know this is what you’re supposed to say, but honestly, Sarah, I’m really happy for you.” With a soft, genuine smile he added, “And… for Mike, too.”
She gave him half a smile.
“He’s a really great guy, and…,” he paused, meeting her gaze and taking a deep breath as tears pricked his eyes again, “and you’re a really great girl. I want you to be happy.” He looked around the room for a moment as a small, bittersweet grin spread across his face. “And you are,” he determined with a nod.
Smiling through the tears that were welling in her eyes, Sarah asked, “Are you?”
His thoughts drifted to Jenna – sharing his past with her, listening to hers, exploring the city.
Smiling, laughing, kissing. His smile grew deeper.
“Yeah,” he answered. “Yeah, I think I am.”
“That’s really great, Jake,” she replied with a warm grin. “I’m so glad to hear that.”
“Yeah,” he said, putting his hands in his pockets. “So, anyway… I guess I should let you go,” he gestured to her work attire.
“Oh, yeah,”
she replied, looking at her watch again. “I have to get to the hospital.”
His eyebrows pulled together. “Hospital? Is… everything okay?”
“Oh, yeah!” she exclaimed. “No, everything’s fine. I work there, now, as a grief counselor.”
“Oh,” he said, processing the new information. “How long have you been doing that?”
“Um…,” a flash of discomfort lit her face for a brief moment before she put her expression together. “I’m not sure. I think somewhere around… eight… maybe nine years.”
She couldn’t meet his eyes as she checked her watch again, fidgeting with the buttons on her blouse. With a sickening twist in his gut, he understood.
“Did you…,” he trailed off, unable to finish the thought. “Because of….”
“No, stop, stop, stop,” she took a step forward, holding up her palms and shaking her head. She met his gaze with firm resolve. “It was not your fault.”
He shook his head, unconvinced.
“Jake, I made a lot of mistakes, okay?” she continued. “I was unprofessional, I disobeyed a direct order from a superior officer….” She threw up her hands. “Hell, I harbored a fugitive!”
She chuckled at the thought, and he was confused by the lightness in her expression. Like it was completely fine that the job she had worked so hard to attain was gone before it even had a chance to begin.
“Those were all my choices, Jacob,” she said, demanding his attention, and placing a palm over her chest. “Mine. And honestly, I’m happier at the hospital,” she shrugged.
He raised an eyebrow.
“Jake, I get to spend every day helping people through the most difficult moments in their lives, and I love every minute of it,” she smiled, and it seemed genuine. “Really.”
He read her face for any sign of discontent, but he couldn’t find one.
“I’m sorry,” he said, but she was already shaking her head.
“Don’t be,” she smiled up at him. “If I could do it all again, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
He let out a small scoff, hoping against all odds that that was true. “Promise?”
She gave him a bright grin, free of any ounce of doubt. “Promise.”
He nodded. “Okay,” he said, willing himself to believe it. “Well… I guess I should let you get back to your awesome job, then,” he gave her an unconvincing smirk.
She chuckled, a light, happy sound, and he smiled in earnest.
“I should get back on the road,” he said.
“Oh, yeah. Well…,” she paused, looking at her watch again as she considered, “I just have a couple more things to get together. If you want to wait, I could give you a ride to the bus station,” she offered, gesturing to the couch.
“Oh. Actually, I’m good. I have a, uh… friend waiting for me downstairs,” he answered.
Sarah appraised him for a moment with a knowing smirk. “That’s great,” she said, stepping back to the front door and opening it for him.
He stepped into the hallway.
She leaned against the door frame. “I’m really glad that you’re doing so well, Jake,” she said with a grin. “I knew you would.”
“Thanks,” he returned her smile.
They stood before each other for a lingering moment, delaying the inevitable. Finally, Jacob cleared his throat to speak.
“Well, I should go,” he said.
“Yeah,” Sarah agreed. “You don’t want to keep her waiting.”
Jacob chuckled at her use of the female pronoun. She always saw right through him.
“Well,” he began again with a heavy sigh, meeting her gaze once more and stepping in hesitantly to wrap his arms once more around her waist. “Goodbye, Sarah,” he muttered.
He could feel the breath catch in her chest as she squeezed him tighter. “Goodbye, Jake.”
With a sharp pang of finality in his gut, he mustered the strength to pull away from the embrace, turn around, and head for the stairs.
“And if you’re ever in New York,” Sarah called out, halting his steps as he eagerly turned around. “You know where I live… apparently,” she said, glaring at him in playful suspicion.
He chuckled, blushing. “Yeah…,” he trailed off with a guilty smirk. “Thanks. I’ll see ya around.”
“See ya,” she smiled, raising a hand in a small wave.
Jacob turned back to the stairs, letting out a deep breath. There was a strange sensation of lightness in his chest. He wondered if this is what people meant when they speak of “closure.” He remembered experiencing a similar feeling when he had found out that he wasn’t responsible for his sister’s death, something very akin to liberation.
As he reached the final set of stairs, however, that sensation was quickly replaced with a sinking feeling in his stomach. It was a familiar feeling, but he couldn’t put a name to it yet. Exhilaration, fear, excitement, anxiety… they all felt the same, void of context.
Stepping out of the building’s double doors and seeing Jenna leaning against the hood of her car, examining her fingernails and humming to herself, Jacob’s stomach squeezed in on itself again, and he recognized the source of the feeling.
“Hey,” she greeted brightly when she noticed his approach, stepping onto the sidewalk.
“Hi,” he replied, swallowing the sudden dryness in his throat.
Raising her eyebrows at his antsy fidgeting, she hesitantly asked, “Are you okay?”
“Um,” he began, shuffling his feet and rubbing his dampening palms together. “I have to ask you something.”
“Okay…,” she trailed off, nervous by the unknown inquiry.
He took a deep breath and forced himself to make eye contact. “Last night,” he began, his mind wandering back to the warm hotel room, the light glow from the TV screen, and the softness of her lips against his. He cleared his throat and re-focused his thoughts. “Was that just a… ‘When in New York’ kinda thing,” he chuckled nervously. “Or… did it mean something?”
He tried to keep the appearance of nonchalance, but the pit in his stomach and the restlessness of his feet didn’t help the charade.
She smirked. “So you do remember that,” she replied.
His eyebrows pulled together. “Of course I do,” he said. Is that why she didn’t say anything? She thought I was too doped up to remember kissing her? He was about to ask the question aloud, but he stopped himself. He didn’t want to distract from the topic at hand, and she hadn’t answered his first question yet, so he bit his tongue and willed himself to be patient.
After a moment of consideration, her pursed lips turned up into another small smirk. “You know… you kissed me,” she answered. Her response was teasing, but the intensity still remained in her eyes.
He thought back to the moment of embrace, unsure if her assessment of the situation was entirely accurate. “Maybe,” he decided with narrowed eyes and a reciprocated smile. “But you kissed me back,” he accused.
She turned her eyes to her hands, and he thought he saw her blush.
“So…,” he continued when she didn’t reply. “Did it mean something?” he asked, gaining confidence when she didn’t outright reject the notion.
She bit her bottom lip, still staring at her hands. After a moment of deliberation, she raised her gaze to meet his. “Maybe,” she said.
Jacob tried, unsuccessfully, to control the immediate grin that spread across his face. He cleared his throat, suppressing the pounding in his chest as he put on as casual of an expression as he could muster.
“Okay,” he nodded, eyebrows furrowing as he pretended to consider her answer with severity. “Good,” he stated, meeting her anxious gaze.
He nodded again, letting her nerves stew for as long as he could manage. But after a moment, the erratic pounding of his heart wouldn’t allow him to postpone his response any longer.
He took a quick step forward and pulled her face to his, one warm hand on either side of her neck, until their lips were pressed firml
y against each other. Her body went briefly rigid in surprise beneath his touch before melting into a softness that quickly turned fierce as she gripped his waist and passionately returned the kiss.
He continued to step forward until her back was pressed against the side of her car. Their lips glided together with urgency, tongues dancing as her hands tugged tightly at his shirt. Small nips interjected their kisses until Jacob finally had to pull away for breath.
His head was swimming and every part of his body tingled as they both took in some much-needed oxygen. He was distracted by his breathing and the blood rushing through his awakened veins when Jenna interjected.
“You know,” she began in-between breaths, “we’re still in New York.”
Jacob let out a breathless chuckle, letting his hands fall from her face. He bit his lip as he considered how to move this beyond a “When in New York” fling.
“Well,” he caught her gaze with a teasing smirk, their eyes still mere inches apart. “I guess we’ll just have to continue this when we get home, then.”
Her answering smile lit up her face. “Maybe,” she said.
He laughed again, shaking his head at her teasing. “I think that might be my new favorite word,” he said, closing his eyes and resting his forehead against hers. She giggled as he took one of her hands from his hips and intertwined their fingers.
The air turned heavy as he leaned forward once more, gently pressing his lips to hers. He was stunned by how different each kiss could be, even with the same person. Their first had been tense, hesitant, and a little hazy from the sleeping pills; the second was all urgency and passion; and this one was soft and familiar. He wondered what the next one would be like.
Their lips broke apart, and after their recent plans to continue this back home, Jacob found himself anxious to get back on the road.
“You ready to say ‘goodbye’ to New York?” he asked.
Jenna smiled softly and nodded. When he released her from his grip, she stepped back onto the street, making her way to her side of the car.