Save Me

by Stephanie Street

  Mom waved aside my reassurance. “It’s okay.” She paused and smiled. “I mean, it’s not okay, so please clean it up, but that’s not why I’m here.”

  Curious, I sat up on the edge of my bed, surprised when mom sat down beside me instead of taking the desk chair.

  “I found this the other day when I was cleaning out the media cabinet downstairs.” She held up a disk in a white sleeve.

  “What is it?” I took it when she held it out for my inspection.

  “Video of Joie’s play.”

  I gasped, feeling like all the air was being sucked out of my lungs. Shaking my head, I tried to hand it back to her.

  “No, I don’t want to watch that.” I’d rather knife myself. The knife would hurt less.

  “Cole-” mom started.

  “Yeah, thanks, but not happening,” I dropped the disc into her lap.

  Sighing, mom put a hand on my shoulder. “Look, dad and I talked-” of course, they had, “he told me about your conversation the other day.”

  Mom swallowed and blinked back tears that flooded her eyes. Her fingers played with the disc. “I’m sorry, Cole. Your dad and I both are that we didn’t know. I don’t know why you never told us, and it doesn’t matter now, but-” her voice cracked, and she drew in a deep, shuddering breath before continuing. “But your dad and I both agree that the happiest we’ve seen you in years was when you were doing the play, when Joie was here.”

  “Mom-”

  She put her hand up to stop me. “I know. I can’t tell you what to do. I wouldn’t even if you’d let me.”

  I rolled my eyes at that one and earned myself a smack on my leg.

  “I’m serious, Cole. You have to figure this one out for yourself. But I found this, and I felt like I should give it to you. So, here. Now, it’s up to you what you’re gonna do with it. There were two of these, so dad and I have our own. But this one is yours.”

  I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just nodded.

  “Okay, well, I better go finish dinner. Dad wanted lasagna and he won’t be happy unless I make my breadsticks to go with it.” Mom stood and started to leave the room but stopped and walked back to where I sat on the bed. “I love you, Cole,” she said and leaned over to kiss my forehead.

  “Thanks, mom. I love you, too.”

  After she left, I sat there for a long time staring at that dang white sleeve in my hand. Should I watch it? It might be fun to see it. I couldn’t remember if I’d watched it back then. Maybe it wasn’t even the last performance. The one where Joie played Elle instead of Trina. Geez, I thought, rubbing my hands over my scruffy face. I hadn’t thought about all that in a long time.

  Before I could talk myself out of it, I removed the disc from the sleeve and popped it into the player on top of my tv. The disc began to play immediately. I didn’t even make it back to my bed, I just stopped in the middle of my room and sat on the carpet. I watched, mesmerized. It was good. The play was excellent. Joie had done such an excellent job. But that wasn’t what kept my attention. Not the acting. Not the lines. The sets. Not any of that. I couldn’t take my eyes off the chemistry between Joie and me. It was magical. Magnetic. We were both decent on stage with the rest of the cast, but together we were- amazing.

  When it came to the final scene, I braced myself to watch the last kiss. That kiss has haunted me. That kiss and the hope I’d felt during and after it. The hope Joie squashed without a backward glance.

  My heart began an irregular thrum. The closer the kiss got, the more my body reacted. My heart. My lungs. Even my skin began to tingle. Finally, Calvin took Elle in his arms, but it wasn’t Calvin and Elle, it was Cole and Joie. It was always Cole and Joie. Watching our kiss, emotions I didn’t want to deal with erupted inside me. Not gradually, but suddenly. And forcefully. The force so strong, I wondered if it would bury me.

  The curtain closed on our kiss and I wanted to pretend that was the end, but it wasn’t. Behind those curtains the kiss had continued, until it didn’t. Joie left the after party early, claiming a headache, from what I heard from some of the other cast members. Eric gave her a ride home. I didn’t go into her room that night. Instead, I slept in my own bed for the first time in weeks. It was awful. I wanted to run down to the basement and beg her to love me. I wanted to beg her to not leave me, but I knew she was going to go. Nothing I said was going to change anything. And so, I distanced myself. I built a wall around my heart and when she drove away with her new car and new license, I cemented the last brick in place, closing that place where Joie resided in me away.

  And it’s been like that for the last two years. Until that text. And now I didn’t know what to do.

  Turning off the tv, I went to put the DVD back in the sleeve. But when I slid the disc in, it caught on something. Curious, I opened the paper sleeve to see if there was something else in there.

  Inside the DVD sleeve was a card.

  Cameron Donovan

  University of Southern California

  Performing Arts

  That’s right. I remembered. The guy from USC who’d come to see Joie had pulled me aside after the play the first night. Apparently, he’d been impressed by my performance. I was surprised by the praise, especially from him, but I was shocked when he offered me an interview and an open invitation to look him up if I ever decided to give up football.

  At the time, I’d blown him off with a thank you and an I love football. But he’d insisted on giving me his card and made me promise to think about his offer. Of course, I hadn’t. I hadn’t needed to.

  Until now.

  Chapter 31

  Joie

  This semester was going to kill me. What was I thinking taking so many classes? I hardly had time to eat or sleep between my school work and my part-time job. The scholarship I’d gotten helped, but I still had to pay for my living expenses and food. My mom sent me a little bit of money every now and then. When she was feeling guilty. I knew she didn’t have much. She’d sold the house and taken that money to set herself up in a maintenance free condo closer to Chicago. She was writing again full-time, but hadn’t published anything since getting out of rehab, for the third time, last year. She seemed to be doing better. Whatever, the money always seemed to come at a good time.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket. I pulled it out to see a text from Cole. We’d been texting every day. Mostly small talk and silly stuff, but it felt so good.

  How is Cali today?

  Sunny and warm.

  Sure, rub it in. My phone says it is twenty-one degrees and the view out my window is cloudy with a chance of snow.

  Ha. Sucks to be you. You know you don’t have to stay there. You could go anywhere you want now.

  Believe me I’ve been thinking a lot about that.

  Cole’s shoulder was doing better. He did a lot of physical therapy on his own now at home and I could tell from our conversations all kinds of things were better now, not just his shoulder. He seemed happier, more positive.

  And? Have you decided?

  I’ve narrowed some things down. But nothing is set in stone.

  You aren’t going to tell me? Meanie.

  Ha! I’m the mean one?

  Ouch. Sometimes it got weird like that. Something from the past or a trigger about us. And it reinforced the feeling that we had a lot to talk about if our friendship was going to go beyond texting. At some point we would have to clear the air. I just didn’t know how. Or when.

  Sorry. I didn’t mean that the way you might have taken it.

  It’s ok. I am the mean one compared to you.

  That’s right you are. You always fought dirty.

  Because you are huge and strong and could always beat me at everything. I had to even things up a bit.

  You think I’m big and strong?

  Ohmigosh. Calm down, Oh Conceited One.

  Conceited?! It’s only conceited if you can’t back it up and we both know I can.

  Uh-huh. Right.

  So, what are you
doing?

  What do you mean? Like right now?

  Yes, right now.

  Homework.

  Lame. Let’s watch a movie.

  What? How are we going to do that? You are two thousand miles away.

  No, you are two thousand miles away.

  Cole.

  Yes?

  Goodness, you are ridiculous.

  I forgot how much fun he could be. Sometimes our friendship had been overshadowed by my crazy life and family, but for the most part- we were just awesome at having fun together. I missed that. I’ve never had another friend that I could be like that around- just myself. Free of whatever else held me down. With Cole, even though he knew everything awful about my life, it was just us being us and it was great.

  So, about the movie…

  How are we going to watch a movie, Cole?

  Oh, young Padawan, let me teach you the ways of the long-distance movie.

  LOL. You are such a dork.

  Dork! Me? Take it back.

  Never!

  If you don’t take it back I won’t watch a movie with you.

  I’m not taking it back but tell me about this movie thing.

  Ok, but only because I’m not there to make you take it back.

  This is me rolling my eyes.

  Noted. I know exactly what that face looks like.

  Ok. So here is how long-distance movie watching goes. We pick a movie and we watch it at the same time while either being on the phone or texting. If we are on the phone, the tricky part is pressing play at the EXACT same time and pausing for bathroom breaks. So, I advise no beverages. Because otherwise the sound coming through the phone will be annoying, right?

  Holy cow. Have you done this before?

  Um. No, but I did think it would be fun. We always used to love watching movies together.

  Especially after we started kissing each other.

  Ohmigosh! Cole!

  Are you blushing? I bet you are. Send me a selfie!

  NO

  Spoil sport. That’s ok. I know exactly what that face looks like too.

  Cole

  That was when it started. My whole plan on what to do with my life. One texting conversation with Joie and I knew what I had to do. That day we watched Princess Bride, the next day we binge watched five episodes of The Walking Dead. Joie put the brakes on our tv watching to catch up on homework the day after that, but I still texted her whenever she crossed my mind. Which was a lot.

  For the next couple of months, we talked every day. Sometimes it was just texting, but we talked on the phone, too. I loved the sound of her voice, especially late at night when she was snuggled in her bed. We talked until we fell asleep and I imagined I was beside her, falling asleep with her hand in mine. With my arms around her. Finally, getting to love her the way I’ve always wanted to.

  Thank goodness for unlimited minutes.

  Christmas came and went. I wanted to see her. So. Bad. But she went to her roommate’s house for the holidays in Northern California and I had to satisfy myself with texting and calling when she wasn’t hanging out with her friends.

  We avoided serious talks about our feelings for each other. Not that we didn’t talk about serious things, we did. But we skirted around the why’s. Why did Joie push me away? Why did Joie leave Indiana? Why didn’t she admit she loved me? Because I was coming to believe she did.

  Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore. The holidays were over, and Joie had returned to her apartment. Jemma, her roommate, was still at her parents’ house. Apparently, her boyfriend was there meeting the family. Joie was convinced the guy was going to propose.

  Whatever. I was just glad she was back at her place and I could talk to her without our conversations being interrupted. What can I say, I’m a selfish jerk! I’m not, but I was enjoying our talks since she’d been home.

  Maybe that was what gave me the courage to ask her the tough questions, knowing we weren’t going to get cut off by some activity she had to go to with Jemma and her family. Whatever it was, I knew before I even tapped on her name on my phone, I was going to get to the bottom of things.

  “Hey,” her soft voice floated across air and time. I loved the sound of her voice. It settled me. It was like coming home.

  “Hey, babe.” I’d been calling her that. At first, I didn’t think she knew what to do with it, but I wanted her to know I wasn’t just in this for friendship. We were more than that. We always had been.

  “Aren’t you tired? It’s so late there.”

  It was late. The three-hour time difference was a beast, but I didn’t mind. It was easier to talk to her for hours when my house was quiet.

  “I’m okay. I want to talk to you,” I reassured her.

  “I want to talk to you, too.”

  I could hear her rustling around in her bed, getting more comfortable and the desire to be with her almost knocked me out, the ache was so deep.

  “What do you want to talk about,” I asked. It was a loaded question and I knew it.

  “Whatever you want to talk about.” A loaded answer.

  “Do you mean that?” I needed to know she was ready.

  “Yes. Yes, Cole, I do. I think it’s time, don’t you?”

  “For a long time. It’s been time for a long time.”

  We were silent for a moment. Neither of us willing to start. Finally, I heard a sigh escape her lips.

  “What do you want to know? I’ll tell you anything you want.”

  Wow. Where to begin? I wanted to just straight up ask her if she loved me. I almost wanted to make her tell me, but I knew in my heart I wouldn’t be satisfied with that. It would mean more to both of us if she could tell me herself, because she wanted to, was ready to. I decided on something just as important.

  “Fourth grade. Lindsay Carstairs. What did you do to get her to stop stalking me on the playground?”

  “Are you serious? That’s what you want to know?” I heard the giggle in her voice.

  “Yes. This is important stuff from our past. Besides, I’ve been dying to know for years and you need to put me out of my misery.”

  “Good grief,” she chuckled.

  “Spill.”

  “If you must know-”

  “I must.”

  “If you must know, I cornered her in the girl’s bathroom before lunch one day-”

  “Oooh, sounds scary.” I could just picture nine-year-old Joie, messing up Lindsay. Hilarious.

  “If you don’t stop interrupting, I’m not going to tell this story,” Joie threatened, making me laugh.

  “My lips are sealed.”

  “I’ll believe it when you actually stay quiet.” She paused as though expecting me to say something else.

  I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. So there.

  “Anyway, I pushed her against the wall.”

  I almost said something there.

  “And told her you were my boyfriend and she better back off. She told me you liked her but hadn’t told me yet. I knew she was bluffing because we talked everyday about how much you didn’t like that girl, so I figured I would do you a favor. I told her that was a lie and that you were my boyfriend and we kissed every day and you thought she was ugly and mean and would never go out with her.”

  Yeah, I lost it.

  Once I stopped laughing, I had to wipe my eyes from the laughing tears in them. “Wow, Jo, I didn’t know you felt that way back then.” I chuckled again. What a girl!

  “Oh, stop it, you freak. Of course, I did. And even if I didn’t, I wasn’t going to let you go out with Lindsay.” She said it all so matter of fact, I stopped laughing.

  “You liked me back then?” I couldn’t believe it. Why did I wait five years after that before trying to kiss her?

  “Seriously, Cole, is this elementary school? When did we not like each other?” Her voice had gone small.

  “When did we not like each other. I don’t know, Jo. You didn’t seem to like me very much for like three and a half years in
high school.” There it was. Out for her to hear. The pain of those years without her. The pain of the last two for the same reason.

  “I know.” I barely heard her.

  “Why?”

  Chapter 32

  Joie

  He’d asked me before. So many times, he’s asked me. The last time, that night in his parent’s basement. I couldn’t answer then. I was still in the thick of all the emotions from everything. My mom. My dad. Davis. It was too much. I didn’t want to talk about it now, but I knew I needed to. For my sake. And for Cole’s.

  So, I spilled my guts.

  I told him about my mom. About finding her drunk in our living room crying about how afraid she was of being alone. How disgusted I was with her. How disenchanted. That I’d blamed all our sorrow on my dad when the reality was, they were both sick. I told him how angry I became. How determined to never be like her. I told him how dependent I was then. On him.

  “That’s not true, Jo.”

  I knew he would say that.

  “It was true, Cole. I needed you for everything. You protected me from so much. And I was scared. So scared that I was like her. That I would need you the way she needed him, and I was sick about it.” I drew in a shuddering breath. I was so hard to talk about this. I didn’t want to hurt him. But I could tell from the deafening silence on the other end of the phone, I had.

  “You are not like her.”

  See? He was always looking out for me. Now, I could appreciate it for what it was- love. Cole cared about me. He loved me. Maybe he wasn’t in love with me, but I knew he loved me.

  “I know that now, but I didn’t then. I didn’t for a long time. Asking you to be in my play was the hardest thing I’d ever done.”

  “What? Why? You know I would do anything you needed me to do.”

  He still didn’t get it.

  “Because I needed you! And I didn’t want to. At all. And then you were there every time I turned around, saving me from some crisis or another. And kissing me. And then Davis-” I broke off there. I didn’t really want to talk about that.