by Amy Clipston
“No worries.” Ruth leaned closer to her sister and whispered, “This has been gut for John. The house seems to have a healing effect on him too.” She grabbed her sister’s hand and pulled her into the kitchen, then let go and smiled before she walked to the counter to the left of the sink. “This is where Grace and I made bread and baked dozens of cookies together.”
She walked over to the kitchen table and climbed up on a chair.
“What are you doing?” Esther arched an eyebrow.
“This is where I stood when a huge mouse was loose in the house.” She pointed to the chair across from her. “That’s where Grace was standing.” Ruth laughed. “We stayed on these chairs squealing until Gideon finally heard us and came to our rescue.” She waved her arms. “I feel Grace everywhere, Esther. My heart isn’t full, but the emptiness I’ve carried for so long is slowly filling.” She hung her head. “I stayed away much too long.”
Esther stared at her for a minute before she climbed up on the chair Ruth had pointed to and squealed. Ruth squealed along with her. John rushed into the room, his wild eyes ping-ponging between them.
“What is it? A mouse? Where?” John looked around for the culprit.
Ruth and Esther laughed. “We were just playing.” Ruth stepped back down on the floor.
Esther lost her footing and almost fell. “I guess I shouldn’t be standing on a chair.” She eased herself back to the wood floor. “I have a hard enough time keeping my balance on the ground.”
John rolled his eyes, chuckling and shaking his head. “Silly maeds, I tell you.” He went back to the bedroom where he’d been tightening some screws on the windowsills.
“I haven’t seen him laugh like that in a long time. The few times I’ve seen him, he was so sullen.” Esther walked to Ruth and touched her arm. “It’s nice to see you laugh like that too.”
Ruth smiled. “Bishop Lapp might not accept me back into the community, but he can’t kick me out of mei haus.”
Esther’s eyes filled with tears. “Are you staying for gut?”
Ruth put both hands to her forehead for a few seconds. “I haven’t thought things through, but I feel happier here than I’ve felt in a long time. I’m going to roll with it and keep listening to God. Maybe I’m here for a month or two, just to get the house ready to sell. Or maybe God led me to the decision to return home so I would feel His healing hand on me.”
She shrugged, then laughed. “I don’t know, Esther. But I called my boss and quit my job this morning. Yesterday, I returned the rental car and took a cab back here.” She chuckled again. “It’s all crazy behavior, but Gideon and I had a nice nest egg when we split up. I had to spend some of it to get set up in Florida, but I have enough left to live on for a while until I figure everything out.”
“Becky is going to be so happy.” Esther latched on to Ruth’s hands. “I have something to tell you.”
Ruth’s pulse sped up. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong.” Esther paused as a smile filled her face. “I’m pregnant.”
Ruth raised a hand to her chest and smiled as her eyes welled with happy tears.
“I’m not very far along. I haven’t even told Mamm and Daed yet.”
Ruth threw her arms around her sister. “I’m so happy for you and Amos.”
When they released each other Esther sighed. “Becky says if we don’t name the baby Beatrice she will run away from home.”
Ruth laughed. She could picture Becky saying that.
“Go ahead and laugh.” Esther grinned, but then took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “She wants us to name her Beatrice Grace.” She lowered her eyes. “I know it doesn’t even go together, really, and I wasn’t sure how you would feel about it . . .”
Ruth brushed a tear from her cheek. “I think it would be wonderful.” They shared another hug, then Ruth stepped back. “What if the boppli is a boy?”
Esther shook her head. “Ach, she still wants Beatrice.” Her sister held up a finger. “But Amos and I are pushing for Benjamin.”
Ruth gazed at her younger sister, pregnant with her second child. She heard the voice in her head again, and she repeated the words aloud.
“I’m home.”
CHAPTER 11
Ruth rode with John to Annie and Ben’s wedding. Last month she purchased a car, but it was a lovely fall day, and she missed riding in a buggy. She’d dressed conservatively in a long skirt and white cotton blouse, not the traditional Amish clothes that were still in her closet.
She longed to wear the kind of clothes she’d worn most of her life and have her own horse and buggy. But it was up to the bishop to decide if and when Ruth could be rebaptized and become a member of the district again. Until that time hopefully came, she chose to respect the fact that she’d been shunned.
Her predicament fell into a gray area since her people didn’t believe in divorce. For now, she would continue to accept Bishop Lapp’s grace, by allowing her to resume communication with others in the district. She’d chosen not to have electricity installed in the house to show the bishop she was serious about making a new life here and living the Amish way. The car was a necessity for now, but she’d happily sell it.
Ruth awoke every morning at four o’clock to bake bread. She’d purchased four chickens and a milking cow. In many ways, she’d resumed her old life. There were large voids, but slowly her heart was filling in other ways. Tending to the yard, working outdoors, collecting eggs, and continuing to fix up the house kept her busy.
Slowly, she’d been able to recall more and more good memories about Grace, and while there would always be a level of grief, she was finding joy again. She thought about Gideon often and envisioned him here with her, but she hadn’t heard from him, so she was forced to face the fact that he had truly moved on. Whatever spark she’d thought they had was only that—a spark that ignited in Ruth’s heart, but apparently not in Gideon’s. At some point, she would have to figure out a way to pay Gideon for his share of the house.
She wasn’t sure what the future held, but she had something she didn’t have prior to coming here. Hope. She had a hopeful heart that she prayed would be full and at peace. It was a process, but as long as she kept moving forward, she would be closer to that peace.
The biggest question would be how the elders and Bishop Lapp decided to handle her return home. Even if she was rebaptized into the community, she wasn’t sure if romantic love would be in her future. She didn’t believe in divorce, and she didn’t think she would love anyone the way she loved Gideon.
John turned on the road to Annie’s parents’ house, and Ruth saw dozens of buggies with horses tethered to the fence. She was sure Esther and her mother had already been there for hours preparing food for the wedding. Knowing there would be plenty of help and not wanting to push Bishop Lapp, Ruth chose not to join them.
“I’m surprised you aren’t riding to the wedding with Barbara.” Ruth grinned at her father-in-law. John had been seen around town eating out with Barbara, a woman his age who had recently become widowed. It was customary for an Amish person to remarry soon after the death of a spouse. John had repeatedly said in letters that he would never remarry, customary or not. But then Barbara became available. He’d even returned to church. Ruth had been attending Amish worship too. Bishop Lapp, once again, chose to look the other way.
“Nee, no one knows about me and Barbara.” John winked at Ruth, and she smiled back at him.
“Don’t kid yourself. They know. People have seen you together.”
John chuckled. He glowed with an expression Ruth hadn’t seen since before Mae and Grace died. It was a gradual transformation. First, he stepped out by helping Ruth with the house. Then he started going back to church once a month, and now every two weeks. John said it was a start and that he still had some things to work out with the Lord. And then there was Barbara, who seemed to propel him toward the same goal Ruth had—peace. But if romantic love was the answer, Ruth worried if she’d e
ver find the peace she longed for.
“There’s mei daed,” Ruth said after John had tethered the horse. “I’m going to talk to him before the service starts.”
John nodded, and Ruth walked to where her father was washing his hands at the pump by the fence. The men had set up a large tent outside the Millers’s house with a lot of tables and chairs. Normally there wouldn’t be a tent, but rain was in the forecast, and even the Millers’s wraparound porch couldn’t hold all the guests.
“Wie bischt, Daed?”
“Gut, mei maedel. Nice to see you. It’s been a few days.”
It had been over a week, but Ruth didn’t correct him. “I’ve been getting ready for winter. You know, stacking firewood in the mudroom and making sure I have enough propane, things like that.”
“A woman needs a husband to take care of those things.” Her father scowled.
Ruth brushed the wrinkles from her blouse as she sighed. “Well, I’m making do.”
It started to drizzle as she walked across the yard with her father. The service would be inside the Millers’s house. When she and her father walked into the room, people were packed like sardines, some sitting, many standing. There were probably three hundred folks. Panels that divided the rooms had been removed to accommodate the crowd.
It had been a long time since Ruth attended a wedding. She tried to recall if Esther and Amos’s had been the last one, but she couldn’t remember.
Becky waved to Ruth from where she was sitting next to her mother. All the chairs near them were taken, so Ruth chose one of the few empty chairs in the back row. As was customary, the men and boys were on one side of the room, the women and girls facing them on the other side, and the deacons and bishop were in the middle. The bride and groom were on the front rows, facing each other.
Ruth was glad to be in the back when her eyes filled with tears. She hoped not too many people would notice. As Ben and Annie exchanged vows, she saw only her and Gideon. Two people madly in love, light-years away from tragedy and heartbreak.
Thunder boomed outside as rain pelted the tin roof. Ruth had always heard that rain at a wedding was good luck and symbolized fertility and cleansing, and if there was a rainbow afterward, the union would be blessed with happiness. She prayed that Ben and Annie would have a good marriage and life together, a union blessed by God that would last forever. Ruth remembered the rain when she married Gideon. There was lots of rain, but no rainbow when the storm was over. She’d been blessed with happiness, but not for nearly as long as she’d hoped.
A minute later, tears were streaming down her face. She dabbed at them with a tissue before she made her way to the kitchen. A few women hurried around putting finishing touches on the food. She kept her head down as she swept through them and went out to the porch.
She covered her face and sobbed, wishing she hadn’t come. But she’d known Ben and Annie her entire life. It would have been wrong to miss their special day. For all her steps forward, there were still steps backward, tender spots in her heart that would take longer to heal.
After allowing herself a good cry, she uncovered her face and sniffled. It was pouring now, and she stepped closer to the house to avoid the spray of water as the wind pushed the rain sideways and underneath the porch awning. She went around the corner to the front porch where an even larger spray of water blew under the rafters, soaking most of her dress.
Ruth was almost at the door when she thought she heard someone call her name. In the distance, she saw a man. He was standing in the middle of the yard staring at her. Ruth didn’t recognize him with the downpour of water between them. She quickly swiped at her eyes so she wouldn’t be caught crying by a late guest. The man took a few steps toward her, and Ruth would recognize that gait anywhere. Gideon.
Of course Annie and Ben would invite Gideon to the wedding. He had grown up with them too. But Ruth never considered the possibility that he might attend after his abrupt departure.
She strained to see his truck, but there wasn’t a vehicle in sight. She went weak in the knees, but it didn’t stop her feet from moving toward him. She was soaked immediately, but her pace picked up until she was right in front of him.
“What are you doing here?” Ruth’s teeth chattered. It was warm for October, but cool enough that being drenched caused her to shake. Or was it Gideon causing her to tremble? “You missed the wedding.”
“I know.” He was breathless. “I ran most of the way here after my truck broke down on Lincoln Highway.”
Ruth just stared at him, at a loss for words. As they stood in the rain, soaking wet, Ruth couldn’t move. She was afraid she’d lose the moment, the look on Gideon’s face, the way his eyes blazed with a passion she remembered well. But there was something different about his expression now, more determined.
“I’ve spent so much time thinking about how we’re different people from who we used to be and how we can’t move forward together.” Rainwater poured down Gideon’s face, but he didn’t flinch. “We had to move backward before we could go forward as new and better people.” He shrugged. “Did we handle things the best way that we could? Probably not. But we lost a child. And we lost each other along the way. But the differences in our lives were more about what we had to face within ourselves. The people we were, the core of our souls never left us. We just had to find our way back. We both faced the challenges of a new life in the English world while grief gnawed at us from the inside. But we’re different in other ways too.”
He took a step closer to her and put his hand over his heart. “We’re better. We’ve found ways to cope with our grief, and we’ve stayed in touch with God.” He pounded his fist lightly against his chest. “And inside, I am still the man you married, who fell in love with you, who had a child with you. I love you now just as much as I did then.” He shook his head. The rain was slowing. “I don’t want anyone else. I don’t love anyone else. I love you, Ruth.”
Ruth blinked as she fought to control her tears, her heart pounding against the wall of her chest. Her face was so wet from rain that she barely noticed the tears pouring down her cheeks as Gideon latched his hands onto her shoulders.
“So, Ruth Marie Beiler, will you be my wife again, to love and cherish forever? I know we might need to ease into things, but I know I love you.”
She nodded and held on to him tightly when he pulled her into a hug. They stayed in each other’s arms for a while. The rain had stopped when he eased her away.
Ruth couldn’t hold back the flow of tears as she nodded. “I’d like that.”
Gideon kissed her with all the passion she remembered. “I leib you,” he whispered in her ear as he held her.
“I leib you too.” Saying it in Deitsch sounded as natural as being in Gideon’s arms. She smiled when she saw a rainbow behind him. “Look.”
Would blessings and happiness follow Ben and Annie on their wedding day and forever? Or was the colorful display God’s way of saying He was giving Ruth and Gideon another chance? Either way, she silently thanked God for this day, for this moment. She prayed she and Gideon would face the future together, no matter what it held for them, and that they would continue to pull their strength from God and each other.
“Now, that’s what I call a reunion!”
Ruth spun around just in time to see Esther lowering her hands from her mouth, evidently the person who yelled. She was surrounded by at least a dozen others who all began to clap.
Ruth turned back around to face her husband.
Thank you, Gott.
EPILOGUE
Beatrice Grace Stoltzfus was born three months later, and as Ruth held the tiny bundle in her arms, she could feel Grace smiling from heaven.
“She’s beautiful.” Ruth gazed upon her new niece. She’d waited until Amos left, along with Becky and the midwife, and even her parents before she entered the bedroom. “I’m so glad I’m able to be here this time.” She looked up at her sister and grinned. “Becky got her wish for a girl.”
“Ya. I didn’t want her to run away from home.” Esther smiled. “And I can already see the bishop baptizing her as Beatrice, but Amos decided we should call her Bea. Becky didn’t care for that idea, but we’re compromising. I remember you telling us what the name meant. I had to talk Amos into it a little, but he said he’ll get used to having a daughter named Beatrice.” She paused to take a deep breath. “This one was easier than Becky, but it still wasn’t a picnic.” Her sister lay a hand across her stomach.
“Well, I hope my second pregnancy will be easier too.” Ruth smiled before she kissed Beatrice on the forehead, then she looked up at Esther, whose mouth was agape.
“I know. We were as shocked as you are. It took so long for me to get pregnant with Grace that we didn’t see another child in our future.”
“Gott is good,” Esther said softly. “What a beautiful miracle He blessed you with after all you’ve been through.”
“But we’re going through it all together this time.”
As Ruth thought about their journey, she was confident about her statement. She and Gideon had dated for a month, then they held a small ceremony to renew their vows. She and Gideon had been living in their home for almost two months as husband and wife. It wasn’t without adjustments, some serious, some funny.
Gideon walked in his sleep now, which unraveled Ruth every time she heard him up and around during the night. Gideon said Ruth snored now, which she continued to deny. Changing Grace’s room had been heartbreaking, and they’d argued a little about what to do with it. They agreed to leave it alone, but when they found out Ruth was pregnant, they tackled the project with a combination of bittersweet joy and sadness. Together it represented hope and faith.
As Ruth gazed at her sister, she thanked God again for His many blessings. Then she chuckled.
“I hope Becky won’t be mad if we don’t name a baby Beatrice too.” Ruth chuckled.