Killing Pretty

by Richard Kadrey

  “He was even worse when he didn’t have a body.”

  “What?”

  “Nothing.”

  Marlowe holds up his glass for another drink.

  “Listen, I know buyers with way too much money on their hands. I won’t charge for the reading if you tell me where you got the knife.”

  “Sure. From a murder scene.”

  He shakes his head.

  “It doesn’t make sense. That’s the first thing I would have felt.”

  “But you didn’t and that’s all I need to know for now.”

  “If you find out who hexed the knife, I’ll pay you for the name.”

  “Maybe. I do enjoy the company of money.”

  Carlos sets the martini down in front of Marlowe.

  When he reaches for it, his hand goes limp. He knocks the glass over. It falls to the floor and he goes down with it, his body rigid and convulsing.

  I remember something about turning choking ­people on their sides, so I roll him over. Carlos comes around the bar and hands me a small blue bottle.

  “Get that down his throat,” he says.

  I roll Marlowe onto his back and pry his jaws apart enough to pour in a syrupy orange potion that smells like cat piss and bubble gum.

  It takes a minute for the convulsing to stop. I roll him back onto his side and soon he’s breathing normally.

  He opens his eyes and looks around, realizes he’s on the floor, and sits up.

  “What happened?”

  “You dosed yourself, jackass, when you licked the knife.”

  “I take back the offer. Keep that thing away from me.”

  I get his shoulders and wrestle him to his feet. There’s a crowd around us, but Carlos gets them back to their tables and drinking again. I set Marlowe on a bar stool. Carlos gives him a glass of water and he gulps it down. I wait for him to finish.

  “Did you see anything when you were unconscious?”

  He takes a long breath and lets it out.

  “Yeah,” he says. “It felt like I was dying and someone was coming for me.”

  “You mean, like Death?”

  He rolls the glass between his hands.

  “That’s the weird part. I knew it should be, I felt like it, but it wasn’t Death. It was someone else.”

  “You mean ‘something.’ ”

  “No. Someone.”

  I take the glass out of his hands and set it on the bar.

  “You should go home.”

  He looks at me, still woozy.

  “I’m billing you for a cab, too.”

  “Fine. But you owe Carlos for the potion that brought you around.”

  He takes out his wallet and slaps it on the bar. The leather is so expensive it looks like it came off an angel’s backside.

  “Take what you want,” he tells Carlos.

  He turns to me.

  “And you, get the fuck away from me. Don’t talk to me and don’t ever bring me any of your poison shit again.”

  Carlos already has his phone out. He pushes Marlowe’s wallet back at him. I reach over to get it, but knock it off the bar. I pick it up from the floor and hand it to him.

  “There’s a cab on the way,” Carlos says. “Keep your money. The potion is a business expense. Better that than dead ­people piled up in the bar.”

  Marlowe pushes himself up and starts to go outside to wait for the cab. He stops by the door.

  “I saw one other thing, Stark.”

  “What’s that?”

  He steadies himself with a hand on the wall.

  “It knows you’re looking for it. Whatever that knife is, it knows about you.”

  Marlowe gives me the finger and goes outside.

  Carlos wipes the spilled drink off the bar. I sit down and Brigitte comes over.

  She says, “This is exactly what I was talking about. What just happened isn’t something Chihiro should have to hear from me.”

  She goes back to her friends and I take out my phone.

  “Hi,” Candy says after a ­couple of rings.

  “How’s our friend?”

  “What do you think? Still asleep. And Kasabian’s gone out to buy beer.”

  “Sounds boring.”

  “It is. Where are you?”

  “At Bamboo House. Why don’t you come over.”

  “What, be seen in public like a real person?”

  “Just like one. I’ll buy you too many drinks. Later, we can order Chinese food from bed.”

  “Thai.”

  “Demanding harlot.”

  “Watch that mouth, boy. You’re going to need it later.”

  “Hurry. I’m at least three drinks up on you.”

  “Then order me three drinks and stand by.”

  “See you soon.”

  She doesn’t say anything for a beat.

  “Hey, why did you suddenly get smart?”

  “I’ll tell you a funny story when you get here.”

  “It better have clowns and Sailor Moon in a bikini in it.”

  “And ponies.”

  “I’m swooning.”

  “See you soon.”

  I order a drink for myself and three extras. Carlos sets the glasses down and I arrange them in a pyramid just like a clown would.

  WE WEAVE BACK to Max Overdrive after an hour or so of drinking. The first three drinks pretty much did Candy in. I don’t know how many more she ordered, but Carlos cut her off at two. I got cut off too, but more, I think, to encourage me to take Candy home. It was time anyway. I’d told her about Vidocq, Marlowe, and the knife by then, so there wasn’t much more to say. I didn’t mention what Marlowe said about a bogeyman waiting for me in the great beyond because I was 90 percent sure he was fucking with me. If he wasn’t, I figured I’d know soon enough.

  We go in through the side door because I don’t want to look at KILLER on the front windows. I’m in too good a mood for that. It doesn’t last long. The moment we get inside, Kasabian comes clanking up on his Tin Woodsman legs.

  “He’s awake,” he says. “He woke up just a little while after you left.”

  He gives Candy a look that’s half accusing and half scared shitless. I wave a hand in his face to get his attention.

  “Where is he?”

  “Right the fuck inside.”

  We go around the counter and there he is, the Angel of Death, stark damned naked in the middle of the empty store watching The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari on the big screen. He’s got this goofy grin on his face, like an ankle biter seeing a mobile for the first time.

  I walk over and stand next to him, watching the movie. Caligari is a silent film. Cesare, the somnambulist, is carrying Jane across rooftops that look like they were designed by Dalí and drawn with crayons on blotter acid.

  “Is this old?” he says.

  “Yeah. From 1920.”

  He points at the big screen.

  “I remember all of them. When each passed on, I remember taking them.”

  Candy comes over. Kasabian stays back by the counter.

  “How are you feeling?” she says.

  He looks at her, then back at the screen.

  “I still hurt, but watching helps take my mind off it.”

  “You just described the entire twentieth century,” I say.

  I take the pills out of my pocket and put them in his hand.

  “Try these. They should help with the pain.”

  “Thank you.”

  He pours some out and looks at them.

  “How many does someone take?”

  I shrug.

  “Try two.”

  I look at Kasabian.

  “You have anything to drink?”

  He takes an open beer from under the counter an
d hands it to me with his fingertips, keeping as much distance as he can between himself and our naked guest. I hand Death the beer.

  “Wash them down with this.”

  He sniffs the beer. Makes a puzzled face and puts the pills in his mouth. Then raises the beer can, draining it.

  “This tastes familiar,” he says. “I think whoever this body belonged to liked it.”

  “That narrows the suspects to about three million in L.A. County.”

  He stares at the can like he doesn’t know what to do with it. I take it from him and toss it to Kasabian. Death looks at me.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else to tell you. I’m as confused as you must be. But I appreciate you giving me a place to stay.”

  Candy says, “Stark knows what it’s like being lost somewhere you don’t want to be. Isn’t that right?”

  “Sure. I’ve been to Fresno.”

  He pulls away the bandages over the hole where his heart should be. The wound has closed. There’s just an ugly scar the size of a man’s hand. He touches it and winces.

  “You don’t believe me, do you? When I say that I’m Death.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I know you. We’ve met before. More than once.”

  Candy puts a hand on my arm. I take Death’s bandages and toss them, like the can, to Kasabian. He pulls his hands away like I tossed him dirty diapers.

  “I don’t remember you. If you’re Death, why didn’t you take me?”

  “There’s dying and there’s dead,” he says. “You were on the cusp, so I let you decide, angel.”

  “Half angel.”

  “That’s why I came to you. I don’t trust other angels right now.”

  “You finally said something I understand.”

  He turns and looks around the store like he’s seeing it for the first time.

  “I’m cold.”

  “I have some things that might fit you.”

  I turn to Kasabian.

  “You want to bring him down some stuff? You know where the closet is.”

  “Sure,” he says, overjoyed for an excuse to leave.

  Death watches him go upstairs. He looks at the floor, wiggles his toes like he’s not sure if they’re attached to his body.

  “How can I prove to you that I am who I say I am?”

  “That’s the problem. I do believe you. I’ve been trying to figure out a way around it, but I can’t. The real trick is figuring out what to do with you.”

  “What do you propose?”

  “You can stay here for as long as you need,” says Candy.

  “Thank you.”

  I take the pack of Maledictions from my pocket and light one. Death sniffs the smoke and sneezes. I don’t put it out. When things get weird, sometimes you just have to smoke.

  “Our boss, Julie, is going to want to talk to you. She’s the brains. We’ll figure out what to do after you’ve talked. That okay with you?”

  “That sounds fine.”

  Death gets distracted by the movie again. Kasabian creeps down the stairs with a pile of clothes in his arms.

  “I didn’t know what he’d like.”

  “So you brought everything I own? Just set it down on the counter.”

  I point at Death.

  “You. Come here.”

  He walks over. I hold up one of the few Max Overdrive T-­shirts left that doesn’t have bullet holes or my blood on it.

  “That looks like it’ll fit. Try it on.”

  He slips the shirt over his head. And gets tangled in it. Candy has to help him get it on.

  I toss him some pants. He looks them over and starts to put them on backward.

  “The other way around,” I tell him.

  He navigates the pants better than the shirt. I toss him a pair of socks and he figures those out right away. Boy genius will be ready for Jeopardy! any day now.

  “Is that better?” says Candy.

  “Yes. Thank you for these.”

  “Just don’t get cut open again. Those shirts are rare.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Maybe he’s hungry,” says Kasabian.

  “You hungry?”

  “I don’t know,” he says. “My stomach hurts.”

  “You shouldn’t take pills on an empty stomach. Let’s order some food,” says Candy.

  I toss Death a black hoodie to wear over the T-­shirt. Candy helps him put it on. I look at her looking at him. She’s not scared of him. Another one of the things I like about her. I put out the Malediction. No reason to torment the poor slob.

  I say, “You like Thai food?”

  “I don’t know,” he says.

  “Let’s find out.”

  “Don’t worry. We’ll get everything mild,” says Candy.

  He looks up at the big screen.

  “Can I watch something else? Something where ­people speak?”

  “We might have one or two of those. What do you think, Kas?”

  “No action movies. Nothing with guns or explosions. I don’t want him getting ideas.”

  Death zips the hoodie, then looks at Kasabian.

  “We’ve met before,” says Death.

  I smile in Kasabian’s direction.

  “That’s right. He blew his dumb ass up.”

  “Lucifer was the one who brought you back, wasn’t he? I like him. He has a funny sense of humor.”

  “Tell me about it,” Kasabian says.

  “Maybe cartoons?” says Candy.

  Kas raises his eyebrows.

  “Some of your fucking anime with monsters and robots? I don’t think so.”

  “What about a musical?” Candy says.

  Death looks from her to me.

  “You like music?” I ask.

  “Oh, yes.”

  Kasabian says, “Okay. Fred Astaire or Gene Kelly?”

  “Definitely Gene Kelly,” Candy says. “He’s the sexy one.”

  “Singin’ in the Rain?”

  I pick up the rest of my clothes.

  “Can’t go wrong with a classic. We’re going upstairs to call for food. You need anything?”

  Death shakes his head.

  “No. Thank you.”

  Candy and I head to our place. Kasabian follows us halfway up the stairs.

  “Don’t leave me alone with him.”

  “Relax,” I tell him. “Get him a chair. Give him a donut or whatever else you have stashed behind the counter. Put the movie on and play nice. We’ll be in earshot.”

  “How are you going to pay for the food? We haven’t rented much since Mr. Charisma got here.”

  “As it happens, I helped a guy with his wallet and some of his cash fell into my pocket. He’s a whiner and he’ll overbill the agency, so it will all balance out in the end.”

  “What do you want when we order?” says Candy.

  “Green curry with pork. Extra spicy. None of the baby food you’re feeding him.”

  We start up again.

  Kasabian stares downstairs and says, “Stark. What if you help this guy and he, you know, calls us in? I mean, we were dead. What if he wants to make it permanent?”

  “Then I’ll kill him and we can all go to Hell together.”

  “That’s a fucking comfort,” he says. Then, “I want some of those fried shrimp rolls too.”

  We go upstairs. A minute later the overture to the movie starts.

  When we’re alone, Candy laughs.

  “You finally bring me back here and there’s Death waiting for us with his cock hanging out. You know how to make a girl feel at home.”

  “Did you really expect a normal homecoming?”

  She flops onto the sofa.

  “Never. I’m drunk and hungry. Order
me some food, garçon.”

  “Hold your horses, Calamity Jane.”

  She leans her head back on the sofa and says, “Shit. Should we call Julie now that he’s awake?”

  I drop my clothes in a pile on the closet floor. There’s an envelope lying on the bed. I bring it with me back to the living room.

  “Let the man eat. Between the pills and the food, my guess is he’ll pass out again. Julie can wait until tomorrow.”

  “Good. All I want to do is eat and fuck and go to sleep.”

  “I have that on my business card.”

  “Find the menu. Dial quickly. I’m going to pass out here for a minute.”

  She curls up on the sofa and I toss a blanket over her.

  The menus are in a drawer by the sink. I call in the order and open the envelope. Crisp paper falls out onto the floor. Heavy, expensive stationery—­Sub Rosa–grade stuff. Sure enough, it’s from the Augur’s office. Looks like I’m invited to tea with the grand high lord and master of the whole California tribe. Thing is, I’m done with the Sub Rosa and don’t have any interest in who’s running the show now.

  I wad up the note and envelope and toss them in the trash.

  DEATH IS WATCHING another movie when we go down in the morning. Duck Soup starring the Marx Brothers. Kasabian comes over as quietly as he can.

  “He’s been at it all night. I’m fucking beat. It’s your turn to babysit.”

  “What have you been showing him?”

  “More musicals. Mary Poppins. My Fair Lady. Some Disney cartoons.”

  “Shiny happy ­people stuff.”

  “Like I said, I don’t want him getting ideas.”

  “Go to bed. We’ll take the morning shift.”

  Kasabian slinks back to his room, right next to the storage room where our guest sleeps.

  “Good night, Kasabian,” he says. “Thank you for sitting up with me.”

  “Sure. Glad to. Anytime.”

  He closes and locks his door.

  “Are you hungry?” says Candy.

  Death turns away from the movie long enough to look at her.

  “Yes, I am.”

  “I’ll bring down the leftovers.”

  I head back upstairs.

  Julie calls while I’m in the kitchen. I tell her Death is awake and she should come over if she wants Thai food.

  “For breakfast?”

  “It’s this or the last of Kasabian’s donuts, and those have been around since ‘Steamboat Willie.’ ”