Smash & Grab: RELIC #1

by Maz Maddox

  “Headaches aren’t fun,” he grumbled.

  The entire place looked ridiculous in the best sort of way. Bright yellow, mock stone archways with bright red lettering was the first thing to greet us as we walked towards the ticket counter. A worn out, generic pterosaur was poking out from the top of the fake bricks which made Simon rub at his temple.

  The entire park was outside, meant to give the guests the feeling of visiting a prehistoric zoo with dinosaurs on display instead of elephants and zebras. The mighty fiberglass and metal statues representing the dinosaurs were as close to “life size” as possible, and based on pop-culture references instead of anything close to factual.

  Simon was trying so hard to look miserable, but I saw him biting back a smile. This place was too over the top cheesy to hate -- paleontologist or not.

  I liked it, and I had more of a right to hate it than he did. Have you seen what raptors look like in places like this?

  It would be offensive if I gave a shit.

  When I got to the ticket counter, my heart broke.

  “Closed,” I read the sign posted on the inside of the glass. “They’re closed for renovations.”

  “What?” Simon walked over and looked, then stepped back and looked around. “I thought the parking lot looked a little sparse.”

  “Fuck,” I hissed, cupping my hands over the glass to see if I could spot a stray worker. Everything inside the ticket stand was closed and locked up. To top it off, there was a metal gate that was slid shut over the entryway. “I really wanted to see this place.”

  “I think a museum would be better than coming here,” Simon offered. “Maybe we can find something in Tennessee.”

  “Museums aren’t the same,” I explained, walking around to the other end of the ticket booth before coming back, defeated. “The whole point of stopping at these places is because they’re one of a kind.”

  “There are other cheesy dinosaur parks, Dalton. They’re all over America.” Simon laughed. “I think there’s one in Florida too.”

  “But we’re not in Florida. We’re here.” I stuffed my hands in my jacket and shook my head. “I don’t know when I’ll be in Kentucky again. This isn’t something you plan a trip around, this is something you do while exploring the countryside. These little dives and tourist traps are treasures. They’re relics of adventure and the open road.”

  Simon’s amused expression shifted into something else. “This meant a lot to you.”

  “Yeah, it did,” I admitted. “This is the one I really wanted to see.”

  What a fucking waste. I was so damn disappointed, not just that my plan had been dashed, but that I didn’t get to see it with Simon. That was the part that made me uneasy. I should have just shrugged it off and gotten back on the road. But for some reason, it stuck under my skin and made me miserable. I was just fishing out my keys and cigarettes when Simon spoke.

  “Let’s sneak in.”

  SIMON

  What the hell was I doing?

  “What?” Dalton’s forehead wrinkled, his keys and cigarettes in his hands as he turned to me.

  “This place is just surrounded by a wooden fence. We can just hop over it.” I said it so casually, but inside I was screaming. What the hell was I thinking? Break into a stupid park?

  Dalton stepped over to where I was standing and peered over to the fence I was referencing. A grin split his face as he looked at me, his icy blue eyes sparkling with mischief.

  “Yeah?” he asked like I had just offered him keys to a sports car. He knew damn well how much trouble we could get into and loved it. I felt a little sick until I saw his lopsided smirk of chaos.

  It wasn’t just the chaos smirk that pushed me into a life of crime. Dalton was a mess of a person, with no personal boundaries or sense of self preservation, but he was also a thoughtful guy who was hauling me to safety. He wasn’t bad. Insane? Yeah. Way too eager to break into a park? Definitely.

  But he’d also made me feel like my life wasn’t on fire for the past three days. I owed him at least a mild breaking and entering.

  “Yeah,” I agreed. “But if we get caught, I’m going to tell them you’re making me skip school and do drugs.”

  “Deal.”

  Damn, I was really in trouble with that grin. The stupid crush I had been developing over the trip was making me act like a jackass teenager. And I wasn’t even that kid when I was a jackass teenager. I never broke the law to impress a girl! The worst thing I had ever done was try to keep up with my date on Dance Dance Revolution, promising I had played it before and knew what I was doing.

  I didn’t. The date ended with me sweating and pouring way too much money into a machine to try and redeem my honor. She didn’t call me back.

  Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any cameras in obvious view of the fence, but we walked almost the entire length to scout just in case.

  “I think we’re good. I doubt they have to worry about anything besides horny teenagers.” Dalton tilted his head towards the fence, then laced his fingers together into a makeshift stirrup. “I’ll boost you over first.”

  The fence was high, but not so giant that I couldn’t make my way over the top. I stepped into Dalton’s hands and jumped as he pushed me up, catching the top of the fence and hauling myself over the top. I didn’t immediately jump down, instead I scanned the area for any security or cameras, of which I saw neither. I gave him a thumbs up and slipped down the other side, the drop almost making me crash into the dirt.

  Dalton was up and over without a problem, landing much more gracefully than I did. I was still dusting dirt off my knees when he landed and crept towards the main pathway. We had landed by a family of portly triceratops munching on dinner, surrounded by tall trees and mulch. The smile on Dalton’s face made up for the bruises on my knees and tweak in my ankle.

  We made our way around the fat ceratopsians and onto the walking trail that led through the park. Just past the triceratops was a parasaurolophus duo in the process of getting a new paint job, adding a fresher coat of green on top of the green.

  “Ah, the ducky dinos,” Dalton said. “How do you rate them, Mr. Dinosaur expert?”

  I sighed. “Their crest is way too short. And their tail is dragging the ground like a lizard. They also didn’t give them pebbly skin but made them slick and smooth. But then, they didn’t put them in a swamp like a lot of these places do. I’d say...C minus.”

  “Oooh.” Dalton hissed through his teeth. “You’re a tough man to please.”

  “I’m really not,” I argued. “I’m very breezy. I’m the type of guy who will eat whatever a waiter brings, even if it’s wrong. But when it comes to scientific accuracy and dinosaurs? I’m unyielding.”

  Dalton smirked, strolling with me as we toured the park we had no business being in.

  “Ah,” I feigned surprise as we came to the next display of dinosaur inaccuracy. “Naked raptors. My favorite.”

  Dalton breathed out through his nose in amusement as he read the small wooden sign. “Velociraptor, apparently. Look, the newer one has a couple feathers on its head.”

  “That is a giant velociraptor. They’re actually the size of chickens. This...thing, is more like a teenaged Utahraptor.” It was a beefy, leathery mess of what it was supposed to represent. To be fair, they did get the iconic hooked claw correct, but even then, the foot was totally wrong. Ever since the Jurassic Park films, raptors had never recovered their image.

  “Utahraptor, huh?” Dalton sounded amused, like maybe I was messing with him.

  “I know the name isn’t impressive, but Utahraptors are giant raptors. Imagine a massive, two-legged killing machine that was bigger than a bengal tiger and covered in feathers. God, the least they could do would be to toss a boa around its neck.”

  Dalton laughed. “You know a lot about raptors?”

  “I’m not an expert,” I amended. “But I know enough to be offended by this.”

  “Tell me what you know.” He looked my way, see
ming genuinely interested. “I always liked the big scary ones.”

  “Most do.” I smirked. “How can you not? Especially after Jurassic Park, where they were the only rival thing to a T. rex, but smarter. Utahraptor is what they based the monster version of the raptors in the move on, but the name doesn’t strike fear in the hearts of an audience. But these animals were top of the food chain in their territories. The only things they had to be careful of were other raptors, I would imagine.”

  “And the feathers?” Dalton asked.

  “Most of the paleo art I’ve seen of Utahraptors shows modern bird colorings: browns, grays, black, even all white like a swan. I think the Snow White look might be pushing it, but realistically, they were probably brown and black. But we don’t really know.” I shrugged. “While I appreciate the realism of the art, it would be kind of awesome to see them painted as these colorful, murderous birds of paradise.”

  “Maybe they were,” Dalton suggested with a smirk. “Maybe they were death peacocks.”

  “Death peacocks, I like that,” I snickered. “It’s not far from reality. Think about it: if these raptors were king in their territories, they wouldn’t need to be hiding. Maybe the males had flashes of colors to impress the ladies with. Vibrant blues, rich greens…”

  “Pretty pinks?” Dalton added with a wink, running the top of his finger over his ridged mohawk.

  “Sure,” I said around a laugh. “Why not?”

  Dalton seemed satisfied with this and seemed to swagger to the next dinosaur on the trail.

  The next display had some attempt at a theropod that I wasn’t sure about.

  “What about this guy?” Dalton peered at the small sign.

  “I don’t even know what the hell it’s supposed to be.” I wrinkled my nose. “It looks like a T. rex maybe but it has three fingers.”

  “Allosaurus.” Dalton tapped the sign.

  “Oh for fuck sake.”

  He laughed at my annoyance, which in turn made me laugh. “What’s wrong with Al here?”

  “We’re just...skipping this one. We’re skipping it.” I grabbed his jacket sleeve and tugged him along. This made him laugh harder and he tried to pull me back to it.

  “No, no! C’mon, tell me what’s going on with this dude!”

  “What’s wrong with his head!” I was laughing and yelling my outrage, gesturing wildly at the lazy-eyed, gaping mouthed attempt at a childhood favorite. “He’s totally wrong. His head needs to be narrower, his claws are facing the wrong way, and I can’t even start with what’s happening with his limp tail. What is his one lazy eye looking at??”

  Dalton doubled over with laughter, hobbling after me as I threw my hands up and walked away.

  “Oh my god.” He wiped his face free of tears. “You got so mad.”

  “Do you blame me? That was torture. Allosaurus is such an amazing animal, and for it to be represented in such a way. They were truly the king of the Jurassic age. Imagine this giant beast taking down its prey by using its upper jaw like a hatchet. It could open its jaw wider than any other theropod. It’s amazing.”

  Dalton was smirking, amusement dancing all over his face as my cheeks heated up.

  “Sorry,” I said, feeling the tiny burn of embarrassment across my neck and chest. “This is exactly what made my last date so miserable. I get swept up in this stuff.”

  “Is that what this is?” Dalton mused with a sly smile. “Are we on a date?”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  “You said “my last date”. Meaning not the current date you’re on,” he teased.

  “That’s a leap. Do you consider breaking into a park a -- of course you do,” I said just as he started nodding.

  “Oh, big time. It’s private, romantic, gives us a chance to talk, and we’re breaking the law. Bonus. Plus, you’re surrounded by dinosaurs. How is this not the best date you’ve ever been on?”

  I shook my head, snorting. “I really don’t get your sense of humor, Dalton.” I glanced over to see him giving me a quizzical look. “All the fake flirting and date jokes? And the constant hanging on me?”

  Dalton stopped in his tracks, his quizzical look now one of total befuddlement.

  “What the hell makes you think I was joking?”

  “Who’s out there?” a male voice shouted from down the path, just beyond the curve past the treeline behind us.

  “Shit!” I whispered, taking off down the trail with Dalton. Trying to jump the fence now would absolutely get us caught, so hiding was the best option for the time being. Just beyond the offensive allosaurus was an overly large dimetrodon laying on its belly, the giant sail across its back angled towards the path. Dalton grabbed my arm and pulled me behind it.

  We both sat on our knees facing each other, Dalton’s face purple with stifled laughter while I covered my mouth to keep my own giggles inside. It was so stupid. Us being there was incredibly irresponsible and stupid, but I couldn’t stop laughing. The absurdity of it all was getting to me, and I felt like a damn kid again.

  “Best. Date. Ever,” Dalton whispered at me.

  “Shh,” I hissed at him as someone was walking down the path towards us.

  “Say it’s the best date ever, or I’ll yell,” he threatened in a low whisper, his grin making his lip studs shine.

  “Dalton, I swear to god,” I tried to growl but I was fighting laughter. He acted like he was about to stand up so I grabbed his shirt and tugged him back down. “Stop it!”

  “You know this is fun,” Dalton insisted. “When was the last time you laughed on a date?”

  “You can’t be in here!” the voice was getting closer, the gravel crunching just a couple feet away.

  “Shh!” I tried again, ducking down a bit further.

  “C’mon, admit it,” Dalton shook his head slowly, that mischief twinkle coming back into his icy eyes. Just as he adjusted to make another attempt at standing, I pulled him forward.

  And kissed him.

  It was a small kiss, just catching his lips with mine, lasting only a breath. When I pulled back, his eyes opened slowly from having shut during the brief exchange. Dalton grinned slowly, then mimed sealing his lips. Finally silenced, we both listened at the sound of the unknown threat tromping further down the path before making our escape.

  We ran back down to the fat triceratops and mimicked what we did last time, with Dalton hoisting me over first. My landing the second time was a bit more solid, but I didn’t break or roll anything so we could run without a problem. By the time we made it back to the Rodeo, we were both panting and laughing.

  Dalton ripped out of the parking lot and back onto the road, with me looking behind us for anyone. The security guard, or whoever was there, didn’t make it out to the parking lot before we left. We were in the clear.

  “That was so stupid,” I said as I caught my breath, leaning back in my seat. “But a lot of fun.”

  “Best date?” He grinned again, cheeks a bit rosy from running.

  “Yeah,” I admitted, my stomach bursting with butterflies. “Best date.”

  Chapter Nine

  Simon

  It was late when we decided to call it for the night.

  The rest of the evening was spent on the road as we tried to get through as much of Kentucky as possible. With a rest stop just across the road, we swung into the gas station to top off the tank and grab some supplies. Having caffeine on standby for the early morning would make all the difference in productivity.

  We didn’t talk about the kiss, and I wasn’t sure what that meant. I was half thankful it wasn’t brought up, and half nervous I misread the situation. Hell, my head was spinning that it even happened. I kissed Dalton. Dalton. Not only was he very much a guy, but he was a monumental pain in the ass. And I guess my bodyguard?

  My head hurt and my stomach was a mess with fluttering feelings I didn’t know what to do with. It was like my body was trying desperately to go into swoony crush mode, but my brain was fighting the controls. I w
as on autopilot when I put my can of coffee and packet of headache medicine on the counter. I barely had registered the clerk behind the counter was talking to me until a magazine was displayed in front of me.

  “That’s you, right?” the woman tapped the picture of me with her finger, a smile across her face. It was me, smiling next to the plaster cast of the fossil we were currently smuggling.

  “What?” I blinked, my eyes darting from the page to her face.

  “You’re the paleontologist, right? I was just reading about your find!” she had a bit of a drawl, like a charming aunt who would call you “sweetheart” and make you tea. “This is something else. What are you doing in Kentucky? Are you going to a dig site near here? My nephew would love to go visit something like that.”

  “Oh, uh. No.” I smiled weakly. “Just passing through.”

  She rang up my stuff and bagged it. “Well it was nice meeting you anyhow. Good luck on your fossil hunts!”

  “Thank you.” I gave her a polite nod and walked back to the Rodeo, where Dalton was finishing a cigarette. “Hey, that cashier just recognized me. Is that bad?”

  “Recognized you? From what?” He blew out his smoke and pinched the cherry.

  “National Geographic. She was reading the article I’m in.”

  “Crap. Maybe. I’ll ping Royal and let him know. C’mon.” Dalton was already pulling his phone out as he got back into the Rodeo. I followed him, feeling a flood of nerves begin to boil in my stomach.

  “Should we keep going?” I asked.

  “We’ll be ok. I doubt she’s got Hyena’s direct number, so I’m not worried about something happening tonight. But we’ll change our route up a bit.” Dalton rumbled the Rodeo to life and pocketed his phone, driving across the highway to the motel. I waited in the car as he got the room, and only exited to grab our bags when he had the key in his hand.

  The room was about what one would expect a cheap roadside motel to be. The accommodations were clean but old, the stale air hanging like a wet blanket since the AC unit hadn’t been turned on. Thick, ancient curtains kept about 75% of the parking lot lights out of the room and the TV was about a decade too old. What surprised me most was the bed situation.