Making Our Way Back

by Jennah Thornhill

  Shit. This is where things get really real for me, whatever comes out of her mouth next will either make or break me.

  And if she takes her love away from me, I know I will be broken.

  Lucy

  “She said get out.” I feel his voice rocket through me, as he shouts his order at them both, the vibrations hitting at full force. It’s only then I realise he’s got his arms wrapped tightly around me, whether he senses my reluctance or not I don’t know, but he releases me as my mum and Sophie make their retreat towards my apartment door.

  I finally wipe away the tears from my face as I walk further back into the living room and away from all three of them. As I turn back around to face the door, I see Kane grab my mum’s arm, rather aggressively, not that I care, before he whispers something about her not coming back here again.

  “That won’t be necessary, she’ll never have to see me again… I promise.” I hear her say to him.

  “Good.” Then he slams the door on her, quite literally. He’s now standing with his back against the closed door with his head up towards the ceiling and his eyes are closed. He hasn’t seen me yet. I’m still raving mad with him, and he’s going to find out just how mad I actually am. So I stand with my hands on my hips waiting for him to see me. Then he opens his eyes and they land on me.

  “How long?” I spit. “And more importantly, why? Why did you do it, I mean she’s my mum, that’s just disgusting.” I’m venting so much at him, I don’t realise he’s moved from the door and is standing right in front of me. His eyes are now glazed from the tears he’s currently shedding, but what hits me the most is how hollow they are, like he’s got no life left in him. I’m looking through pools of emptiness, far from his normal grey pools of lust. I can tell he’s not himself, it’s like the fight has left him, like he’s got nothing left to fight for. If he thinks he’s lost everything. Or that he’s losing me that easy…. Well he’s got another thing bloody coming. We’ve come too far for things to end like this, If I hear him out, I’m sure I will understand why he did what he did. I’ve already established it was for me, I just don’t understand why. Not fully anyway, but I’m willing to hear the facts, and from a sane person.

  Because let's face it, those pair of evil bitches aren’t right in the head… clearly.

  Although Kane doesn’t look as sane as he normally would do, my mum and Sophie showing up has proper done a number on him. So I can’t blame him, I’m the same.

  I’d love to know what he’s thinking in that gorgeous bloody head of his. This is the problem I have, no matter how mad I am with him, I only have to look at him and I crumble on the spot, when I see him I fall in love with him all over again. I need to put my head before my heart whilst we talk because if I don’t, I may end up getting hurt again.

  And I know I won’t be able to deal with it, I’m already fracturing slowly on the inside.

  “Luce, you’ve got to understand it was such a dark place in my life, a time I don’t like to think about, let alone talk about it. The only pure thing I had in my life was you, my dad was a drunk, I was going nowhere, my life revolved around protecting you.” I can see the pain on his face when he talks, this is killing him, eating him up alive.

  Thirteen years, thirteen years of not knowing what happened to him and now I’m about to get the full unedited story.

  “O….Ok Kane, you tell me everything now and I won’t mention it again.” He gestures for me to sit down, using his hand to guide me to the sofa. I take a seat and put my hands between my legs, not knowing what else to do.

  “I never meant to hurt you baby girl, that was never my intention you have to believe that before I can tell you the rest.” I believe him, with all my heart I do, I know he’s not lying to be about that.

  “I..I believe you Kane.” He nods his head, giving me a small yet sad smile.

  “When I met you Luce, the day I moved in on that shitty street, in that dirt hole of a house, it should’ve been the worst day of my life, my worst nightmare. Instead it turned out to be a blessing because I met you, you didn’t see me at first but I saw you. You were riding that rusty bike with the pink basket on the front. God, when I think about it now, it was falling apart. I don’t know how it was still going.” I gasp. He remembers?

  Oh my god. I remember that bike, I found it on the way home from school one day and pleaded with my mum to let me keep it. I was eleven at the time, but that bike meant the world to me.

  “I knew then that I was going to fall hard on my knees for you, that you were meant for me, that I would do anything for you. I know it sounds childish and stupid, because how could I have possible known that. I was only twelve myself. But I did.

  Now after all the years I’ve protected you, I somehow managed to fail you. I tried my best to protect you from the one person that you shouldn’t even need to be protected from. Your fucking mum.” He looks up at me before continuing.

  “The phone call I told you about, the one I overheard? That was the last nail in the coffin, that’s why I lost my shit and did what I did when I beat them guys up. Eighteen months prior to that, I’d already sold my soul to the devil herself, like I’ve told you before. It was either that or you would’ve been sold into that ring a lot earlier. You heard what I said to her when she was here, that was her last attempt at getting rid of you. That’s what I stopped from happening when I got locked up, but like I said prior to that.. I… I…made a deal with her to stop it from happening then. But she went and tried to do it again… after she propositioned me. I swear to you now, if I’d have known she was playing me the whole time, I wouldn’t have gone through with it.” He’s shaking now, like he’s back there, reliving it all over again.

  “The things she made me do, it doesn’t bare thinking about. That’s why I did it Luce, it would’ve been ten times worse for you if I didn’t go through with it, she threatened me with your life Luce. it was a done deal for me. I wanted to keep you safe.” He’s crying now, not just a single tear type cry. I mean bellowing it all out there, like he’s been holding it in for that long the dams been broken, like they couldn’t take the weight of his tears anymore.

  “She took my virginity Luce, I hated her for it. It was always supposed to be yours. She told me that if I gave her me, just that one time, then you wouldn’t get harmed in anyway whatsoever, and the stupid dickhead I was back then, I believed her. Only it wasn’t just the one time, she kept blackmailing me with you so I’d carry on.”

  I can’t take not touching him any longer, he needs comforting, so I take his hands in mine, trying my best to calm him down, even though I’m raging on the inside. She practically raped a fourteen year old boy, even if she did have his consent, he didn’t know any better, not at that age.

  “The day you flipped out, here I mean. You had a flashback didn’t you?”

  He nods his head, confirming my fears.

  A sob breaks loose from my mouth, I can’t contain the emotions anymore. He suffered for me, he took the pain for me and now he’s the one paying for it, he’s still paying for it. How he can look at me and not blame me for everything? None of that should’ve been up to him, he was only a kid for Christ's sake. He shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place, or asked to make them sort of choices.

  “That day, you called me... K…. Kaney. I just got freaked out, it was like I was back there again Luce. I couldn’t handle it, it had taken me years to suppress them memories and it only took a heartbeat for them to come back. And when I heard you say it, well it just shocked me to the core, I never expected that name to leave your lips, and when it did. It made things worse for me, it’s hard to explain. I never wanted you to see me like that Luce, it was another thing I tried to protect you from. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, you see Luce, a love like ours knows no bounds or limits not when it’s deep rooted in your bones like my love is for you. Only now I’ve got more love to give, to give our baby, because my love has no limits and I have it in buckets, for you b
oth”

  Oh wow.

  “Kane… I… I don’t know what to say.” I really don’t, I wish I had known about all this when it happened, it would have stopped my mind working overtime. “The day you didn’t show up and every day after that… oh god. Kane. I hated, hated you so much. If I wrote a list of all the bad words I called you, you would have read a small novella.” He laughs at me. “I’m so sorry, I never should have doubted you, I should have known there would have been a reason you didn’t show.” I start crying myself now, snot and everything. “Kane, If I had known, if you had just told me, my life would have been so different. Your life could have been different... I..” He places his finger to my lip, silencing me.

  “Luce, baby…. I’m not sorry I kept it from you, I’m not sorry that I did what I did. I wouldn’t change the way my life turned out, you want to know why?” He waits for me to answer him.

  “Why?” There I said it, whilst I try to sort my snot dripping nose out, finding the only thing I can, the sleeve of my robe. How very attractive. I look a mess, yet he doesn’t. He can cry like a baby and still look bloody beautiful. He places his hand on my cheek, turning my face back to him, as he looks in my eyes.

  “Because I’m here with you now, in spite of everything, I found my way back to you, as you have me. It proves that we can and will get through anything, as long as we have each other.”

  Kane

  I swear I’m going blind.

  What I’m seeing in Lucy’s eyes can’t be right, she’s looking at me with so much love, and admiration that I’m finding it hard to breathe. She still loves me, after everything I’ve done.

  I’m disgusted with myself, so she must feel some sort of hatred and filth towards me. What I’m seeing in her eyes has got to be out of pity, maybe a little guilt, but she has nothing to feel guilty about, this is all on me.

  “Kane, I don’t know where to start with all of this. Am I angry? Damn straight I am. Am I up set? You can bet your life on it. But what’s eating me up the most is guilt, guilt that you went through all of that for me. You shouldn’t of had to do what you did. You were innocent in all of that fucked up shit. You had your whole life planned out, you would’ve been playing professional football if it wasn’t for me.”

  Is she kidding me right now?

  I’m agitated, how can she think that any of that mattered to me? When in reality, she was all that mattered to me.

  I can’t keep still any longer, I slip my hands from hers and walk to the other side of the coffee table. I begin to pace up and down with my hands linked behind my head. Stopping suddenly, I lean down onto the coffee table so I’m eye level with her.

  “You have nothing to feel guilty about baby girl, I made the choices I did. Not you. You didn’t make me take the deal with you mum, you didn’t make me beat the shit out of them guys. I did that all on my own and I’d do it all again, for you.” I take a breath then I continue on. “What part aren’t you getting Luce? Because it seems pretty fucking straightforward to me, I did all of that because I love you, I’ve always loved you. Nothing and no one will ever change that. You have nothing to feel guilty about baby girl. So stop it.” Just when I think I’m getting through to her, she goes and does something that all but kills me.

  “I need you to leave Kane, I need some time to process all of this. I’m not saying I don’t love you, because I do. I just need to take some time out, I need to see if I can get past the whole you and my mum scenario. Because that is what’s messing with my head more than anything, I know it may seem like I’m messing you about with all this coming and going, but this is information overload, for me, anyone for that matter, I need to wrap my head around everything Kane, and I can’t do that with you here. Please… just give me some time, that’s all I’m asking of you.” My heart cracks wide open, I know I’ve lost her for good, she doesn’t need to sugar coat it for me. she’ll never be able to get past this, I’m sure of it. Luce has always been a clean cut girl, in her eyes evil shit like this doesn’t happen.

  I want to convince her she’s wrong, that we’re stronger than this, but there’s no point. I see the look of finality in her eyes.

  She’s done.

  I don’t respond to her request, I don’t utter a single word. I just go back into her bedroom with a heavy heart, I collect my phone, keys and wallet shoving them all in my jeans pocket as I walk out of her room. Fuck the rest of my things.

  “I love you Lucy.” Is all I say to her as I let myself out of her apartment door. As I make my way to my car, I pray she’ll come chasing after me, beg me not to go. She doesn’t. If our love is as strong as I think it is, then she’ll realise this all on her own.

  Getting into my car, I head back to the Mayfair hotel where I was taking up residence during the divorce. I need the gym, then I need drown myself in my good friend Jack. It’s the only way I know how to cope.

  Just thinking about her makes my heart crack that little bit more, when I bring her face to the forefront of my mind it hurts so much, I think I could quite literally die from the pain. The consequences for what I did are bigger than I ever imagined, not only have they cost me my baby girl, they may have also cost me my child, I may never see him or her being born, never get to spend any of my free time with them. If she would let me see it at all. I’ve not really given it a thought up until now. That feeling, the thought, doesn’t sit well with me.

  I’m grateful that when I get to the hotel my usual room is available still, once I get to the room I pull out my phone and call the one person who will always be with me no matter how much I screw shit up. The phone rings once before Marcus picks up, I don’t give him a chance to greet me, I just start spewing demands at him.

  “Hey Fuckwad, I’m back at the hotel. Don’t ask no questions. I don’t want to talk about it. Can you please just bring me some clean clothes and some shorts, I want to hit the gym. Thank you.”

  “Hello to you too cockhead, but in answer to your orders, I’ll be there in twenty. I take it your shift in mood has something to do with Lucy…”

  “Don’t even go there Marcus, please? I’m all kinds of fucked up right now, so bring Jack with you as well.”

  I hang up the phone, I can’t bare the thought of listening to someone else mentioning her name.

  Three hours later and I’m ten sheets to the wind, Jack really is a good friend to have. He doesn’t judge me, or condemn me for the shit I’ve done. When Marcus brought me my things, I thanked him politely then slammed the door in his face- not so politely. If I had let him in he would’ve wanted answers, answers I’m not willing to share even with him. And quite frankly I don’t have the answers to some things, so I wouldn’t be giving him a straight answer anyway.

  I haven’t heard a peep from Luce either, right now I’m so close to calling her and begging her to let me back in that it’s borderline on obsession. I stagger around my hotel suite with my bottle of Jack hanging from my fingers, thinking of all the reasons why I should and shouldn’t call her, when I trip over my jeans I discarded earlier in a haphazard manner. That’s when I see it, the red Cartier box, it’s tormenting me, laughing at me. She’ll never wear the ring I bought her last week now when I told her I needed to go to the office, I made the detour first.

  She’s that special. She’s one of a kind. I just wish she would sparkle whilst being by my side as my wife, I guess the world is a cruel fucking place, that you can lose the person you love twice in one lifetime.

  Picking the ring box up from where it’s slipped out of my jeans pocket, I open the box and stare at the four carat diamond. When I picked it I fell in love with it straight away, it had Lucy’s name written all over it. It’s simple yet unique just like her, she wouldn’t want something that’s in your face, so I settled on a pink oval diamond encased in platinum with three smaller diamonds either side. Now when I look at it, I just see my heart shattering and twenty grand thrown down the drain. Snapping the lid shut, I place it back in my jeans till I decide what to do
with it.

  Walking over to the bed, I place the nearly empty bottle of Jack on the bed side table, before I know it I’m out cold and dreaming of dark curls and green eyes.

  If only the real world was as peaceful and calm as my dreams are, but I suppose that’s why people call them dreams. Because the real world sucks donkey dick.

  Lucy

  What was I thinking?

  Telling him to leave like that, I’m losing my goddamn mind now. But who can blame me?

  It’s not every day you learn all the shit I’ve learnt today, what was supposed to be a day of relaxing and making love to the man I love more than anything, turned out to be the worst day of my life. I thought the car accident was bad, but this tops it by bloody miles.

  Kane and Sophie.

  Kane and my mum.

  Then more importantly…

  Kane and me.

  Where do I go from here with all of this?

  My head’s so messed up right now, I don’t know if I’m coming or going, one minute I want to rip my hair out, then the next I want to curl up in a ball in the corner of my room and pretend all this never happened and that I’m going to wake up from this god awful nightmare.

  At first I thought I could get past it all, I understand completely why he did everything he did. In some ways he didn’t have a choice, he sacrificed himself for me. He’s always been my protector, but he still lied to me, he still kept the secrets from me. He still fucked my mum. That’s what is hurting me the most, he thought that telling me why he went to prison would make me think he was a monster. He couldn’t of been more wrong, in my eyes that makes him a hero. He saved me. Again.

  Then to top it off my dad is alive, he knows Kane and all about me. I’m twenty eight years of age and I’ve never met him, not once. I can’t deal with that yet, so I’ll shelf it for another day.

  Getting a grip of myself, I get up from the sofa, where my arse has been planted since Kane left, which seems like a lifetime ago, when in reality it’s only been a few hours.