In Name Only (A Pine Falls Novel Book 2)

by Jennifer Peel

  I turned the phone off and tossed it on the coffee table. It was then I noticed the empty wineglasses and strawberry tops scattered all over a platter on the table in front of me. My guess was that they were the remnants of chocolate-covered strawberries. I mustered up a smile for my sister. She and Tristan had been spending every spare moment they had together since Friday night. Tristan had even extended his trip so he could spend more time with her. It was exactly what Kinsley needed—a man to put her first. To hear the giddiness in her voice when she’d called to tell me her good news yesterday was like a healing balm to my soul. I needed some of that now.

  Tired and unsure what to do, I kicked off my shoes and lay on the couch, pulling an old afghan over me. I felt like a ticking time bomb, but the lack of sleep from the night before coupled with my emotional state had my body begging for rest. I closed my eyes, my mind reeling and feeling so lost. Sleep, though, overtook me, giving me some respite.

  I don’t know how long I slept, but I woke up to a sharp pain in my abdomen and a gush of blood so heavy it soaked right through the pad I had put on before I’d left the doctor’s office. I bolted up. My pants and the couch were covered in blood. Before I could feel bad about ruining the couch, something told me I should run to the bathroom and not worry about the stain. When I got there, more blood gushed out. This was nothing like a period—it was more like a scene out of a horror movie. I was certain I was filling more than two pads an hour. Yet there was no way I was leaving the toilet to grab my phone.

  Dr. Paulson should have better prepared me for the onslaught of pain and the amount of blood I was losing. I was doubled over, begging for relief. And every time I thought I might be able to leave and get my phone to call for help, more blood would gush out.

  It felt as if I had been in the bathroom for hours, and I soon began to get cold and shake. Desperate to get warm, I grabbed Kinsley’s towels off the rack and covered myself with them. I felt bad ruining them, but I would buy her a new set.

  For a frightening moment, between the pain and the dizziness, I thought maybe this was it. I was going to die here in this bathroom. I knew I needed to get up and call the doctor, even if I did leave a trail of blood behind me. But my legs felt like Jell-O, and I barely had enough energy to breathe through the horrific cramps. All I could do was lean over and rest my head on the counter. Tears poured down my cheeks. I didn’t even bother to pray. The pavilion I’d created separating me from God was impenetrable. A loneliness like I had never known encompassed me, doing its best to swallow me whole.

  I must have gone in and out of consciousness, because I startled when I heard my name tear through the loft. If there was sound that personified terrified, Brock screaming my name would qualify. I didn’t have enough energy to respond.

  “Where did all the blood come from?” Kinsley cried.

  “Dani,” Ariana shouted my name in a panic.

  I could hear Brock’s heavy footsteps sprinting in my direction. I didn’t care that I was in the most humiliating position possible or half-naked covered in a towel—I needed help. And I would take it from anyone, even from the man who didn’t want me.

  The bathroom door blew open like it had been kicked in. Brock stood in its place, the blood draining from his face when he saw me and the crimson stains everywhere. He grabbed the countertop, his chest heaving, though there was a determination in his eyes to hold it together.

  I managed to lift my head. “Brock . . . I need your help.” I hated that I did, but I was desperate.

  Ariana and Kinsley rushed into the already-crowded bathroom.

  “Oh my goodness.” Kinsley grabbed her chest. “Dani, what happened?”

  Ariana maneuvered around Brock and dropped down next to me.

  “I lost the baby,” I cried, my voice anguished.

  Ariana smoothed my brow, tears streaming down her smooth cheeks. “Oh, Dani. You’re burning up.”

  That snapped Brock out of his stupor. “We need to get her to the hospital. Kinsley, grab me a blanket. Ariana, call Dr. Paulson. She’s with the Pine Falls OB/GYN group. Tell her that Dani is miscarrying and likely hemorrhaging. Tell her to meet us at the Women and Children’s ER.”

  Ariana and Kinsley hopped to it, leaving me alone with Brock. He dropped to his knees in front of me. Fear was swimming in his eyes. I could at least end one of his nightmares.

  “It’s over. You’re free.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  “Dani. Dani. Mrs. Holland.”

  My eyes fluttered open. I made out a young woman with bright-red curly hair and a cute button nose. She was sitting next to me near the machines, monitoring my vitals. The steady beat of my heart told me I had survived the procedure. My foggy brain vaguely remembered being told I needed the D&C I should have opted for. Basically, my uterus needed to be cleaned out to stop the hemorrhaging.

  “Did everything go okay?” I asked, barely above a whisper.

  “Everything went as expected. Dr. Paulson will be here to talk to you soon. Are you in any pain?”

  I had to think about it. I had been in so much pain earlier that the minor discomfort I felt now was nothing in comparison. “I’m a little crampy, but fine.”

  “That’s to be expected. If you want, I can give you a pain reliever in your IV.”

  Do you have one for my heart? “That would be great.” The less pain the better.

  She smiled and shot something into my IV. Within seconds I felt warm and even sleepier.

  In my fuzzy state, my mind kept flashing back to when we had arrived at the ER. Brock had taken command and barked orders. I had been taken back right away. He’d remained by my side and even fought with one of his colleagues. He’d insisted he be allowed back into the OR. It was an argument he hadn’t won. I was grateful for that. I had needed to be away from him. On the drive to the hospital he had kept saying how much he loved me. I’d begged him to stop. I didn’t need the lies on top of the loss.

  I heard my heart monitor tick up.

  “Are you all right, Mrs. Holland?”

  “Please, call me Dani,” I choked out. I was Dani Kramer. She was all I had left.

  “Okay, Dani. Can I get you anything? You can have juice or water.”

  My mouth did feel awfully dry, and it had a weird taste. “Water would be great.”

  “I’ll be right back.” She walked out through the curtains that were sheltering me in the recovery unit.

  I touched my abdomen, feeling so empty. My baby’s life had ended so suddenly. How could I ache for the feel of her against my chest and suckling my breast when I never even got to hold her? It was a pain I couldn’t describe and was more excruciating than anything I had ever known. Even greater than losing Brock.

  Speaking of Brock, I heard his voice outside the curtains. He was talking to Dr. Paulson. She was trying to assure him I was all right. But I wasn’t. How could I be?

  The nurse came back with my water, Dr. Paulson and Brock following behind her.

  Brock was the first to me. His white button-up and charcoal slacks were stained with my blood. I remembered him lifting me off the toilet and tenderly wrapping me in a blanket. I had been in so much pain, I’d curled against him and pleaded with him to make it go away. He had held me tight and through his own tears promised me he would make it all better.

  “Dani.” Brock took my hand, gently lifted it, and kissed it. His eyes roved over me repeatedly, then glanced over to the monitors to check my vitals.

  “I’m fine.” At least physically. I tried to reassure him.

  Dr. Paulson took my other side. “Let’s sit you up.” She pushed a few buttons and raised the top half of the bed until I was upright. She took the water from the nurse and handed it to me. “You gave us quite a scare there for a while, but I don’t foresee any further complications. We were able to get the bleeding under control. With that said, given the amount of blood you lost, I would like to keep you overnight to monitor you.”

  “That’s a good idea,” Bro
ck agreed.

  Dr. Paulson gave him a humoring smile.

  He was going overboard on playing the protective husband. I knew, though, that it stemmed from his trauma. I was honestly kind of surprised he hadn’t already skipped home and called a divorce attorney. Except, he was a decent person. A good man.

  “We’ll move you to your room shortly. In the meantime, if you need anything, push the button on your bed.”

  I nodded.

  Dr. Paulson and the nurse left, leaving me with Brock. I avoided talking to him at first by sipping my water. He took a seat next to me, his eyes never leaving me as if he were a guard dog.

  I set my water down on the tray next to me. My movements were slow and labored. I could still feel the effects of the anesthesia and medication pumping through me. I turned toward Brock. The terror in his eyes was gone, replaced with worry. “You should go home and change.” He looked as if he had been through a war and lost.

  “Jonah’s bringing me a change of clothes.”

  Of course he was.

  “Ariana, Kinsley, and your grandparents are in the waiting room,” he informed me.

  That was good news. I needed them all. Though I imagined Grandma was probably not happy with me for keeping the pregnancy a secret. However, I couldn’t worry about that right now. “Brock,” I whispered. “You don’t have to keep doing this. It’s over. You can take off the ring.”

  He looked between his grandfather’s simple gold band and me, his brows knit together. “Why would I do that?”

  Wasn’t it obvious? “The only reason you married me was because I was pregnant.”

  His eyes widened, but he didn’t get to respond.

  The nurse popped back in. “We’re prepping a room in the south wing on the fourth floor for you. It will be ready in a half hour.”

  “Thank you,” Brock and I said in unison.

  As soon as she left, Brock took my hand and held it between his own. “Let’s not talk here. You’ve been through a lot today. You should rest.”

  I was exhausted, and I supposed, for the sake of propriety, we should talk in a more private setting. I closed my eyes and nodded, knowing when I woke up it would all be over. And I would be lonelier and emptier than ever, but at least my puppet strings would be gone. I let the drugs take over and lull me into a place where the pain would only be delayed.

  Brock kissed my hand. “I’ll watch over you.”

  For the last time.

  ~*~

  “Brock is livid.” Kinsley snuggled next to me in the hospital bed later that night. It felt like old times, except my guilt prevented me from indulging in the comfort she offered. Not to mention, some unknown employee of the hospital had blabbed to the press that Brock had carried his bleeding wife into the ER. Brock had just left to release a statement through Holland Industries’ PR team that I’d had a miscarriage and we were both devastated, and that we were asking for privacy during this difficult time. It was no wonder why Brock was livid—he had to lie about how distraught he was over a baby and a wife he’d never wanted.

  “I would be too.” Grandma walked over and placed another pillow behind me. She had made the nurse bring her one because she thought I looked uncomfortable. She had no idea. “Why is it anyone’s business? I mean, you didn’t even tell your grandparents.” She gave me a meaningful look along with her jab. “It explains why you rushed into marriage, though.”

  “I’m sorry.” I sunk into the pillows.

  She pressed her lips together while giving me a good once-over. “Don’t go apologizing or crying. It breaks my heart when you girls cry.”

  I didn’t think I had any tears left.

  “Rushed? I say it was about time they got married,” Ariana gave her two cents. She and Grandpa were sitting on the small couch together, doing a crossword puzzle. Grandpa was quiet. He had been that way around me ever since I had told him and Grandma I was getting married. He had held on extra-long after walking me down the aisle and before giving my hand to Brock. The words he had whispered before kissing my cheek and giving me away still haunted me. “Remember who you are.” Did he know I was living a lie? What I had done? His eyes now seemed to be imploring me to once again remember who I was.

  I wasn’t sure I wanted to remember.

  I rested my head on Kinsley’s bony shoulder. “I’m tired.” I couldn’t bear talking about my marriage that would soon be dissolved. Besides, Brock and I needed to talk about an exit strategy before I told my family. Especially given that we lived in a fishbowl. I couldn’t believe someone would tell the press about my baby. I thought there were privacy laws against that.

  I hoped someone told Brant before he heard it on the news. I wanted to tell him myself, but it was too risky. I wondered, though, if it would be a relief to him. I thought back to when I had told him I was pregnant. His ashen face had said it all. It hadn’t been welcome news. Yet, he was gentle about it and concerned for my welfare. He was ready to accept responsibility, and then John devised a better, safer plan. There was nothing safer about it. It had wrecked us all.

  Grandma kissed my head. “Get some sleep. We’ll stay until Brock returns.”

  As bad as it sounded, I wished they would leave. I wanted to be alone to mourn my baby. The empty void that consumed me begged for solitude. Having my family around only reminded me how undeserving I felt of their love. I wanted to wrap myself up in the loneliness because that seemed just.

  I didn’t know when my family left, I was so in and out of sleep. The pain meds made me feel groggy, yet I was so consumed with loss that even when I slept, my dreams were filled with a crying baby I could never hold or comfort. Brock was there every time I woke up, anxious to make sure I was okay or offering to help me to the restroom, since I was still lightly bleeding, which meant extra trips to the bathroom. We were still putting on a show for the hospital staff. I was so ready to return my best actress award.

  When daylight filtered into the cold, sterile room, I decided I was done with the restless sleep. I opened my eyes to find Brock sitting by the bed, his eyes red. I had a feeling he hadn’t slept a wink.

  He sat up tall when he noticed I was awake. “Do you need anything?” He had asked that a hundred times throughout the night.

  “No.” I pulled the blanket tighter around me. It was time to end this charade.

  “Dr. Paulson should be here midmorning to release you.”

  “Good.”

  “My parents want to come see you when we get home. Mom knows we don’t cook, so she offered to bring over some meals.”

  Oh. A lump formed in my throat. Sheridan was going to hate me. Still, I couldn’t go on with the lie any longer. “Brock.” I reached out and placed a hand on his arm. “I’m not going home with you.” There was no malice to my tone, just a statement of fact.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You know what I mean. It’s over. The baby’s gone,” I cried, exhausted.

  He ran a hand over his stubbled face. “Dani, I love you.”

  “Don’t say that,” I begged. “You don’t.”

  “You’re telling me how I feel?” he growled.

  “No. You showed me exactly how you felt in DC. I’ll never forget how repulsed you were when I told you I loved you.”

  He stood and shook his head. “Damn it, Dani. That’s unfair.”

  “Is it really? I wanted to share my body and soul with you that night. I wanted you to know what that meant to me. What you meant to me. Instead, you threw your brother in my face. I realized then that I would never be enough for you. I never have been. I always thought it was things like medical school or the women you’ve dated over the years keeping us apart. But it was you. You never wanted me. You never wanted my baby,” I choked out. “So don’t pity me now and tell me you love me. We both know you would have never married me if your dad hadn’t forced you to.”

  His mouth fell open, but no words escaped. He took a moment to stare hard at me, his face turning multiple shades of red while h
e formulated a response. After several long moments, he threw himself on the bed next to me. A mixture of fury and passion burned in his eyes.

  I scrambled to sit upright.

  He moved closer, not letting me get away from him. He took my face in his hands and drew our faces closer together. “You think my father made me marry you?” he sounded almost angry.

  “I know he did.”

  “You’re wrong.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “Dani, I came home with every intention of marrying you. But then . . . ,” he cleared his throat, “you told me about Brant. I was upset, yes. I felt sick, angry, betrayed. But even with all of that, I still didn’t want to let you go. Then you found out you were pregnant with my brother’s baby.” He leaned away. The pain of that revelation still lived in his eyes. His thumbs swiped the tears rolling down my cheeks. “I knew then I would have to let you go.” He released my face and sat quiet for a moment, though his eyes never left me.

  I found myself anxious to hear what he had to say.

  With a large exhale, he continued. “Brant and my dad were a wreck about it. The Copelands were expecting Brant to propose to Jill. My dad mentioned offhandedly that I could just marry you. It would solve all our problems, he said. In that moment, as angry as I was, I knew I would regret it for the rest of my life if I let you go. So I said I would. But I told them both, under the circumstances, that you would never say yes.” He ran a hand through his hair. “You don’t know how surprised I was when you agreed to marry me.”

  I faltered back against the pillows, astonished at this information, yet how could he be surprised? “Your father gave me no choice.”

  He tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

  I deliberated on what to say. Did I really care anymore what John Holland could do to me? I had already lost everything. And I was so tired of living a lie. I grabbed one of the pillows and held it in front of me, squeezing the life out of it. “He threatened to expose my past and even Joanie’s. Tear me down enough so that I would lose everything, including my baby,” my voice cracked, “and Children to Love if I didn’t agree.”