Tahoe Blue

by Eden French

  He hesitated before responding. “Okay.”

  “I’m serious. I want you to really think about this because if you can’t be honest with yourself, then there’s no point in anything, but if Carson came over tonight and gave you an acceptable explanation about why he ghosted—”

  “There’s no good explanation. He could’ve called me at any time. He should have.”

  “I didn’t say a good one. I said an acceptable one. One that you could accept. If he came over tonight and said something like that, could you forgive him? And, if you could forgive him, would you let yourself love him again? Would you let Teo go?”

  Brand was silent. He didn’t know how he felt. Sure, he was still attracted to Carson. How could he not be? Their attraction to each other was always off the Richter scale. But that wasn’t the question Ryan asked. Could he forgive him? Could he love him again? What had Teo asked him to do? Be honest. His tongue became dry.

  “I… I’m not sure, Ry,” he answered. “I want to think I’ll listen to him, forgive him, and move on. That’s what every part of my brain is screaming at me to do. But honestly I… I don’t know. And I know that makes me a fucking prick. Teo doesn’t deserve this, but I just….”

  Ryan sighed into the phone. “Teo’s a big boy and he knows what he’s getting into with all this. But you’re…. Look, I’m not gonna tell you what to do. But until you’re ready to answer that question, my suggestion is to keep some emotional distance from both of them, especially from Carson, watch out for yourself, and don’t let him hurt you like he did last time. It’s not just you in the picture anymore. Teo’s a good man. Talented, creative, smart. And one of the best employees I’ve had in a long time. I know you know this, so I won’t harp.” She paused. “You’re my best friend. I love you, and I know this is difficult. I know how connected you two were. Hell, don’t think that I don’t know that Carson’s loss was my huge fucking gain. But I also know how broken you were after. Don’t forget how you had to pull those pieces back together. Not him. Not his family. Not even me. You. Shit, I’ve never seen anyone come back as hard as you have. But, if being with him is what you want, even after everything, then I support your choices. I always will. But both eyes open, West. And no thinking with the little head. Use your brain for fuck’s sake.”

  A knock on the door stole his attention.

  “Shit, he’s here,” he whispered. “I gotta go.”

  “Good luck. And remember, be honest with yourself. I know I’ve given you a hard time about him before, but seriously, no judgments here. I want you to be happy. Just know what you’re getting yourself into before you jump.”

  “I will. Thanks, Ry.”

  “And, keep your dick in your pants, you filthy dog. At least for tonight. Make sure before you whip it ou—”

  “Goodbye, Ry.”

  Brand hung up the phone and threw it on the bed. He headed out to the front of the house. He paused in the entry, giving himself a quick once over in the wall mirror before a final deep breath, and opened the front door.

  Carson stood there in a crisp blue button-up shirt that made his eyes look like icy fire. His blond hair was off his face and held back with gel. Brand’s mouth dropped at the strong jawline shaping the five o’clock shadow Carson successfully rocked. He held a bottle of wine in his hand.

  “Hey,” he said as Brand took inventory of his appearance.

  “Hey. Come in,” he said, opening the door wider. His throat was dry and sweat was already collecting on the back of his neck. Damn, he was nervous.

  Carson entered the cabin and looked around. Brand followed him, inhaling deeply. He closed his eyes. Christ, the man smelled amazing. Cedarwood and mint. His stomach flipped. Some things never change.

  “So, this is where you live,” Carson said casually as he walked into the living room, touching the top of a simple leather reading chair.

  Overstuffed gray and cream pillows lined two small red couches facing each other. Two small tables sat at the end of each one, and a low square wooden cabinet, stained dark, sat in the middle of the room and acted as a coffee table. A cast iron chandelier hung from the center and various throw blankets sat folded in a basket near the fireplace. Ryan called Brand’s style contemporary cabin chic, if there was such a thing. Sometimes he was sure she made things up.

  “I like it,” Carson said.

  Brand shook his head. “It’s not mine. I mean, the stuff is mine, but the house is… I’m just renting until I’m ready to buy.”

  “Well, it’s nicer than my place. It feels more like a home.” Silence. “Here. I brought this.” He held out the bottle of cabernet.

  Brand’s spine stiffened, and he swallowed hard. “You know you didn’t have to bring anything.”

  “I know. I just thought… I thought you’d like it.” Carson bit his bottom lip as another awkward silence hung in the air.

  “Thanks.”

  Brand took the bottle to the kitchen and grabbed two bulbous wine glasses from the cabinet. After uncorking the wine, he poured a generous amount into each one. What could it hurt? Wine made everything more manageable.

  Taking the glasses out to the living room, he handed Carson one and motioned for him to sit on the couch. Not trusting his physical impulses, Brand took a seat facing him on the opposite couch. Carson took a long sip from the glass before he spoke.

  “Thanks for agreeing to talk,” he began. “I… I wanted you to know why I left.”

  Brand took a large swallow of wine, half-emptying his glass. Damn, he should’ve brought the bottle out here. “Okay, well, here we are.”

  Carson put his glass down and fidgeted with his hands.

  “I know this will sound stupid… I mean, now that we’re older and—”

  “I don’t care how it sounds, Car. I just want to know why you left. Why’d you ghost me? Was it something I did? Did I piss you off, disgust you in some way? Did I scare you away with all my plans for the future? Or did you leave because you simply didn’t love me anymore?” The words fell out of his mouth, startling him. But what surprised him more was that he didn’t care how it sounded. He’d been waiting seven long years for this, and he wanted answers.

  Carson’s eyes widened. His mouth dropped. “Is that what you think? That I left because of something you did? That I didn’t… and I don’t even know how this is possible, but that I didn’t love you anymore?”

  “Well, isn’t it? Because I’ve had some time to think about this once or twice over the years, and it always comes back to the same thing. You didn’t love me. Or you fell out of love with me and didn’t know how to be a man about it.”

  Carson’s face flushed. “No, Brand. It was nothing like that. At all. There’s no one who I love more….” his voice caught in his throat.

  Brand gawked at the admission. What did he say? Did he just admit he loved him… as in the present? Carson reached into his back pocket and pulled out his wallet. He opened the fold, pulled out a small square picture, and held it out to Brand.

  Brand’s insides began to shake. He downed the rest of his wine and set the glass on the table. He took the photo from Carson and looked at it, tears forming in his eyes.

  “Do you remember that day?” Carson asked of the picture.

  Brand held the photo in his fingers as a rush of memory flooded his head. The two of them looked like babies in comparison to now. Shirtless, hairless teens with arms around each other’s shoulders, smiles wide across their faces. No worries. No bad times. No heartbreak. Just them, in the moment, together. Friends. Unstoppable.

  “That was the day after school ended junior year,” Brand answered. “How could I forget? We were at the caves.” Brand’s voice lowered as he visited the memory. “I had the biggest crush on you, but I had no idea what you’d do if I confessed it.”

  Carson continued the story. “You were climbing that big boulder off the west end, and I saw how comfortable you were, totally in your element. You were a lot stronger than me back then. You ma
de it to the top in no time, and I struggled to get there. But every time I looked up, there you were, patiently waiting and cheering me on. You even helped me up at the end when I just didn’t have anything left in me.”

  “I actually thought you were going to fall,” Brand said laughing. “I kept thinking about what I’d do if things went bad, like what was my plan, could I get you to the ranger station by myself? I was terrified what your mother would do to me if I brought you home in less than one piece. I pulled you up more for myself at that point than for you.”

  “Maybe.” Carson smiled back. “But then we sat there at the top and looked out at the lake, and then there was this moment when you looked at me, and I looked at you and you said my eyes—”

  “Were Tahoe blue.” The memory sat quietly between them. “And then, you leaned over and kissed me.”

  Carson laughed. “I was afraid that maybe I misunderstood or misinterpreted your feelings, that maybe you’d punch me or throw me off the boulder, but when you kissed me back, I just about died.

  “It was the first time I felt brave like that, and strong, like I could do anything. Maybe even be myself. As long as you were with me.” Carson rolled his lips. “I keep that picture with me always. It reminds me of who I can be, of what I can do.”

  Brand got quiet. He handed the picture back to Carson. “It still doesn’t explain why you left.”

  Carson rubbed his hands together and cleared his throat. “My father. My father is the reason why I left.”

  Brand wrinkled his forehead. “What? I don’t understand.”

  “My father found out about us and, long story short, he was a homophobic prick.”

  “What? Your dad? Mr. Keaton? But, he… he was a defense lawyer. He defended people’s rights.”

  “Well, apparently, his belief in the pursuit of happiness didn’t extend to his own family. He was a homophobe, Brand. And he had connections… all over. At first, I thought he’d get over it, as long as I was discreet, you know, give him time to get used to it. But then the threats started. He told me I was an abomination… that I disgusted him, and that if I chose to live this way, he’d rather see me dead.”

  Brand’s mouth dropped. “Shit, Car. Why didn’t you go to the police? Your mom didn’t know, did she? Why didn’t you tell me? I could have helped.”

  “No, my mom didn’t know. He told me I wasn’t the only one who would suffer. Mom, Cass… you. He got me a bus ticket, a few grand in cash to make sure I didn’t return, and told me to get my deplorable ass out of town and never return.”

  Brand flinched. How could a man he thought he’d known be so different behind closed doors? His stomach turned, but not because of nerves. He was sickened by how Carson was treated by his father. Anger flashed through his body. He got up and moved next to Carson on the other couch.

  “And that’s why you didn’t come to his funeral.”

  “There was no way I’d see him off. I’m sorry it didn’t happen sooner.”

  “And your mom? Cass? Do they know now… how he was?”

  Carson nodded. “Now they do. They found a bunch of his stuff in his office after the funeral, but they didn’t then. And I… I couldn’t tell them. I was afraid… a coward.”

  Brand shook his head. “You were a kid. And he was a grown ass adult. Someone who was supposed to… I just can’t believe it. I’m… shocked.”

  “I know it’s probably too late to say this, but I thought about you every day. I wanted to call you, tell you I was sorry. But I was afraid of what would happen if he found out. Then time kept passing, and I… guess I just didn’t know how. It seemed too long. I was so ashamed.”

  Brand shifted his body to face him. There were many things Carson Keaton was, but a liar wasn’t one of them. He knew he was telling the truth. He felt it in his bones. Still, if he had just told him, just made one phone call….

  Carson looked up at Brand. A strand of hair had fallen down on his forehead. Lifting a hand, Brand brushed it back with his fingertips. Carson sat frozen as Brand traced his fingers down the side of Carson’s cheek, his thumb grazing his lips as they passed. Carson closed his eyes, his long lashes drawing Brand in.

  Brand’s heart thumped in his chest. What was he doing? Did Carson’s admission change anything? Yes. No. A little? He remembered Ryan’s question. Could he forgive him? Brand leaned in until their faces were just centimeters apart. His chest rose and fell as he breathed in Carson’s scent. His muscles tensed in anticipation of the kiss he knew he was going to take. Closer and closer, Brand hovered, his lips barely brushing up against—

  A cell phone rang, startling them both. Brand jumped off the couch and took a few steps away as Carson fumbled for his phone. What had he almost done? Was he sure this was what he wanted?

  “I… I have to get this. It’s Cass. They have me on a pretty short leash since I hit my head.”

  Brand nodded and grabbed their glasses from the table. It was time for a refill. By the time he returned from the kitchen, Carson’s phone was tucked away and he was leaning back on the couch, gazing into the fire. Brand hesitated. Emotions flared through him. Even knowing that Carson didn’t choose to leave him, that his actions were forced, still didn’t remove the anger and hurt that had built up over the years.

  Be honest with yourself.

  Teo’s words streamed through his mind. No, he was still pissed about being abandoned, and he wouldn’t rush into anything until he had more time and space to think about all of it.

  He placed Carson’s glass on the table in front of him before taking his seat. Carson leaned over and picked up the wine before turning to face him.

  “I’m seeing someone,” Brand blurted before he could stop himself.

  Carson took a slow sip of wine, his eyes narrowed just slightly at the admission. He swallowed. “You mentioned that. In the tent.”

  “Yeah, well I just wanted to say it again.”

  Carson nodded. “I wouldn’t have expected you to not have someone. It’s been a long time for someone as special as you to not have been taken.”

  “There wasn’t anyone. For the longest time. I mean, there were the one-night stands, the hookups, but nothing serious, nothing that lasted more than a couple days.”

  “But not this someone?”

  “I’m gonna be honest with you, Car. You leaving really messed me up. After you were gone, I had no clue as to what I wanted, what a relationship meant, what love was. Nothing. And, it took a long time before I could even trust myself to begin to feel those things again.

  “Teo is the first person since you left who I’ve wanted to spend real time with. He was the first person I saw myself moving forward with, and that was only a few weeks ago. It’s taken that long to move on.”

  Carson’s lips upturned into a tight smile. “I’m so glad you’ve found someone who makes you happy.”

  “Yeah, Teo’s… great.”

  Brand took another long sip of wine. It was the truth. Teo was great. Great and amazing and smart and a total hottie. So why did his lungs tighten when he looked at the man next to him? Why did even being in the same space as his ex steal the air right out of his lungs? Carson had made his decision a long time ago. Sure, it was a fucked-up position to put an eighteen-year-old kid in, but still, he’d ultimately made that choice. And Brand had felt the full consequences of those actions to the depths of his being.

  Carson looked down at his hands. “Really, I mean it. That’s great. I want you to be happy.” He paused. “You know, the show is kind of on a hiatus right now and I’m gonna be in town for a bit. Maybe we can get together sometimes… just as friends. I know it’s a lot to ask, and I know I’m probably overstepping boundaries here, and I completely understand if you say no, but I… I miss my friend.”

  Brand raised an eyebrow. “I’m sure there’ve been other people you could open up to down there.” A flash of the recent headline imprinted itself in Brand’s brain.

  “Hollywood is a strange and lonely place. Ther
e are so many people, all wanting to talk to you, be around you, but really, they all just want something from you—a meeting, an introduction, press. It’s all about networking, and nothing seems authentic.

  “Before I fell in love with you, you were my best friend. You liked me for me. And then it was so much more.” Carson took a deep breath. “When I left, I not only lost the love of my life, I lost the only person I could share anything with. The one person who understood me.”

  Brand ate at the inside of his cheek. Could he hang out with Carson platonically? His heart thumped in his chest, revealing he most certainly couldn’t. Still, did that mean he had real feelings for Carson? Or was it simply a physical response to the first man that got his motor running?

  Teo’s words haunted him. Be honest with me. How would he know his true feelings if he didn’t give them a chance? How could he give Teo an honest answer if he didn’t know what the answer was?

  Brand cleared his throat. “I don’t know, Car. I mean, I don’t know how Teo will feel about all this.” He tapped his glass with his fingers. “I’ll tell you what, let me talk things over with him, and I’ll give you a call. It’s the best I can do right now, okay?”

  “It’s more than I deserve. Thank you.” A deafening silence hung over them until Carson cleared his throat. “So, a paramedic? I always knew you’d do it. You always wanted to find a way to make helping people a part of your life. How’s that going?”

  Brand leaned back into the couch and relaxed, thankful for the change in conversation. “Yeah, I love it. I went to the fire academy right after graduation, but discovered my passion is in medical response. James, one of my coworkers, is great and I’m giving back to the community. It’s good work, but sometimes it can be emotionally draining.”

  But it kept my mind off you.

  He struggled to keep the words to himself. Instead, he managed, “Anyway, it seems you found success. Tell me about the show?”

  Carson shrugged. “Not much to say, I guess.”

  “I think your groupies the other day would beg to differ.”