Tahoe Blue

by Eden French

  Brand sat across from him, chest heaving. “Car, is this okay?” He nodded to their fingers. “I mean, for your show and stuff?”

  He released Brand’s hand and leaned back in the booth. “I don’t want to hide. Not anymore. I’m so tired of it. But I suppose I need to have a conversation with my agent before we really go public. I could never blindside her like that. And the tabloids would eat this story alive.”

  “But you’re willing to go public? I mean, you want to go public… with me.”

  Carson smiled. “What don’t you understand about me wanting to be with you… for real? I’m done hiding, and I’m done missing out. I lost you once, and it nearly destroyed me. I’m ready for the happy ever after.” He placed his hand on Brand’s thigh under the table and squeezed. It killed him to know he was the cause of Brand’s trepidation. But he was certain he’d make up for it. Even if it took the rest of his life, he’d make sure Brand knew just how important he was in his life. He swallowed. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

  “Like what?”

  Flames licked Carson’s cheeks, and he fidgeted in his seat. “You have this look… like you can’t believe I’m saying this or something.”

  “No, no, not at all,” Brand said. “I’m just happy to hear you say that because I want that too.”

  A comfortable silence settled between them. After a moment, Brand cleared his throat. “There’s something I wanted to ask you, but I didn’t know if it was too soon.” He bit his lip nervously.

  “What’s up?”

  “I was wondering if you’d be interested in meeting some of my friends. Well, you know Ryan from high school, but my work partner, James, and his wife, Miranda.”

  Carson listened and nodded while Brand continued.

  “They’ve invited us over to dinner next week. Not us specifically, well, James knows, but Miranda doesn’t. She just thinks I’m dating another new guy,” Brand said, blushing.

  Carson forced a smile. The thought of Brand dating anyone other than himself was a direct shot to his heart. But how could he be upset? He was the one who’d put him in that position. He hadn’t left a clue as to where he’d gone or if he’d be back, and he had never tried to reach out in any way. What was Brand supposed to do? Wait around for a ghost? He shook the thoughts out of his head. No use lingering on old news. Carson rolled his shoulders back and smiled.

  “That would be awesome,” he said. “But if it’s okay, I’d like to hold off until I figure out a plan with Cynthia before I make our relationship any more conspicuous. Would that be okay with you?”

  Brand nodded. “Of course, Car. Take the time you need. There’s no hurry. We can always push back dinner. You’re back now, and I plan on enjoying as much of you as I can. And if you need a little extra time to situate things with your agent, I’m on board. I don’t know if you got the memo, but I chose you. And I’m willing to work on this so that this time, it sticks.”

  The waitress arrived with steaming bowls of soup and placed them in front of each man. Carson looked up and watched as Brand took the chopsticks in his hands and expertly lifted a heaping pile of noodles from his bowl and held them up toward Carson.

  “To us?” he said jokingly.

  Carson grabbed his own noodles between chopsticks and held them out. “To us,” he replied.

  The two men pretended to clink the noodles, then devoured their bites, nearly choking from laughing so hard at almost burning their tongues. Carson couldn’t remember the last time he’s felt so free. It only reinforced that he was doing the right thing. Now, all he had to do was get Cynthia on board and start living.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Two weeks later, Brand’s life, and cock, had never been better. As he busied himself in the kitchen awaiting Carson’s arrival, he noted how easy it had been to slip back into each other’s lives. Carson eased into a routine of either working on his book or trying to get Brand out of his pants. The organic ebb and flow of their pattern emerged from its seven-year hibernation.

  Like it was meant to be.

  Brand’s heart filled with love, and his soul sent chills over his skin. Enough time had been wasted. It was time to ask Carson to move in. The kitchen timer dinged and snapped him out of his thoughts.

  Brand stood in his apron in his tiny kitchen and double-checked the oven temperature. He glanced at the stovetop clock. It was quarter to seven; Carson would be here any minute. He checked the lasagna once more and pulled out the ingredients for the salad. As he chopped the lettuce, he hummed to himself. It’d been so long since he felt complete. He didn’t realize how empty his life had been until he got Carson back. Funny how love made everything a little fuller.

  You never fell out of love, his inner voice teased.

  Nodding at this realization, he finished the salad and pulled down some plates from the cabinet.

  “Hello?” Carson called as he knocked on the door and entered.

  “In the kitchen,” Brand called out. “Dinner is just about ready.”

  Brand bent over and pulled the lasagna out of the oven.

  “Now, this is a view I could get used to,” Carson said from behind.

  Brand turned around to see Carson leaning against the kitchen doorframe, ogling his ass.

  “Aren’t you a little old to be leering?”

  Carson waggled his eyebrows. “I can’t help it. Your ass makes me want to skip dinner and go directly to dessert.”

  After dinner, Brand and Carson fell into a comfortable conversation as they cuddled on the couch, Carson lying back against Brand’s chest, next to the fire.

  “So, Mom is already planning for you to come over for Christmas. You don’t have plans, do you?”

  “I actually do. The past few years, my parents have been abroad for Christmas. This year it’s Paris. I usually pick up a shift at work. You know, let the guys who have families have it off. But tell her thanks, though. And I’ll make sure to come by the next day.”

  Carson lifted his face and kissed Brand on the cheek. “She’ll be disappointed, but she’ll understand. Maybe I can stop by the station. Bring you something to eat?”

  “I’d like that very much.”

  He leaned down and kissed the top of Carson’s head. He took Carson’s hand in his, their fingers absently playing with each other’s. Suddenly, Carson’s phone rang, interrupting their quiet moment. He sat up and removed it from his pocket. “This is my agent’s ringtone. I wonder why she’s calling. I’ve got to get this. It’ll just be a minute.”

  Carson’s tone put Brand on edge. He sounded nervous. Brand pressed his lips together. A sinking feeling plagued his stomach, but he pushed it away. So what if Carson’s agent called? It didn’t mean anything.

  “Really? The strike is over. And the show?”

  Brand’s heart raced.

  Don’t assume anything. He’s not leaving.

  Brand touched Carson’s shoulder. His lover stood and took a few steps away, his focus still on the call. Panic torpedoed through Brand’s system. His ears rang, and sound became fuzzy like he was hearing the conversation from inside a balloon or underwater. How could he have been so stupid? Of course Carson would leave. He had a job and a career and friends in Hollywood. His life was there.

  “Wait, when? But, that’s only tomo— No, I understand.”

  Brand’s stomach roiled. He held it with both hands, pleading with it to keep his dinner down.

  “But, I can’t possib— Okay. No. I know I’m under contract. It won’t be... no, it won’t be a problem. Sure, see you soon.”

  Brand’s body tingled in numbness. This was what he deserved. He should’ve never fallen so hard again. This was what he got for believing Carson loved him as powerfully as he loved him.

  “Brand?” Carson’s voice broke through his thoughts and he looked up.

  Carson’s blue eyes were shaded and dull, his cheeks were pale, and his mouth formed a straight line under his nose. Brand’s heartbreak made way for anger.
/>   “Don’t tell me, you have to go.”

  Carson scrubbed his chin with his hand and studied the ground. “Stop. Please. Does it help to know I don’t want to go?”

  “Not really.”

  “It’s only for a few weeks, I can come back in—”

  “A few weeks? Really?” Brand stood and paced in front of the couch. A bitter laugh escaped his lips. “You know, I actually thought this time things would be diff—” he choked and swallowed. He inhaled deeply before continuing. He should have known better than to let himself fall so quickly, to get used to something he knew couldn’t last. He knew they’d been on borrowed time, but somehow he’d let himself foolishly believe that they’d have a future. “I thought this time… after all these years… you’d finally realize—fuck, none of that bullshit matters. God, I’m so stupid. I actually believed this could work.”

  Carson took two steps towards him, closing the space between them. He reached out and caressed Brand’s cheek, his thumb brushing softly against his bottom lip. He slid his hand around his neck and pulled him close until their lips met like rose petals. Brand was lost in the kiss. What was it about this man that drove him wild? As their kiss deepened, he felt the anger melt away. Carson pulled back just enough to speak.

  “We can have a future. I’ve changed. I’m not the same person I was.”

  Brand stiffened. Of course Carson had changed. He wasn’t the same person he was when he’d left. No matter how hard Carson denied it, or played it down, the fact was that he had an entire life that simply didn’t include Brand or Tahoe. It didn’t matter that he’d never wanted to leave, he had, and although Brand wished it wasn’t so, Carson created an entire existence that didn’t include him. And it fucking cut through his chest like a sword.

  No, he couldn’t let himself get hurt like this. Not again. Not by the same person. He wouldn’t survive that heartbreak a second time. He had to protect himself. Even if it meant losing Carson. Brand brought his hands to Carson’s chest and gently pushed back.

  “No. You stop.” He pulled his lips away, breathless. “We can’t just kiss this away. Not this time. You’re leaving, you’ve decided. And I know that you don’t have a choice, and I know none of this is fucking fair, but I won’t let myself love you, put my trust in you, then watch you leave and hear about your latest fling through The Tahoe Voice. Real or not.”

  “What are you talking about. That’s not… I never—”

  “It doesn’t matter, Carson. Don’t you get it?”

  “I don’t know what you want me to do. We’re not kids anymore. I have to go back. I’m under contract. Production begins in two days. This is my career, Brand. My life.”

  And there it was. Brand knew it, but hearing it was a different kind of pain. He wasn’t sure how, but his heart both imploded and burst into flames simultaneously. It was his life. Brand shook his head, a sad smile stretching his lips.

  “I know. And I want you to have it, with every other success you can grab. But, it’s not my life. And you’re right. We’re not kids anymore. We’re grown men, with different lives and careers and experiences. We made it through some pretty tough times. Hell, you survived something I can’t even imagine. And somehow, after you left we were both able to let go of childhood and grow, become who we are today, the people standing here in this moment.”

  “What are you saying?”

  Brand swallowed the thick ball lodged in his throat. “Maybe we’ve been trying to start something that we just weren’t ready to let go of. But maybe it’s time we let that part grow up and move on too.”

  He stepped around Carson and walked toward the front door. He gripped the handle and blinked hard desperate to hold his tears at bay.

  Please don’t let him see me cry.

  With a slow twist, he turned the knob and pulled the door open.

  “I think you should go.”

  His heart screamed in his chest.

  “Brand, c’mon. You can’t be serious. Please don’t do this.”

  His jaw trembled. Dammit. If Carson didn’t leave soon, he’d break down in front of him. Stay strong. Stay strong. This was the right thing to do. The safe thing.

  “Just go.”

  Carson paled and his lip trembled. He collected his coat and slowly walked to the door where Brand stood. When he was inches from him, he paused.

  “For what it’s worth, I will never love anyone the way I love you.”

  “Yeah, well, I wish that was enough.” Brand whispered the words but held his ground. He lifted his chin in resolve and waited for Carson to walk through the door.

  Hurry up, dammit! If you don’t leave, I’ll never let you go.

  Carson opened his mouth as if to speak but closed it again. Good. There was nothing left to say. With his shoulders slumped, he pressed his lips together and left. Brand shut the door behind him and leaned up against it, his back pressing into the wooden etching carved into the surface. He slid down the door’s length until he sat on the floor; his face tucked into his knees and released a sob. He had done the right thing, right?

  As much as he loved him, they were too different now, their lives were polar opposite. Ending things with Carson now would save them loads of future heartache.

  Bullshit.

  He silenced his inner critic as the tears flowed hard, but Brand didn’t care. He released them freely until there were none left—until there was nothing but the quiet night and the fading smell of the fire burning down.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  “I wish you didn’t have to go. It’s been nice having you around.” Cassie sat on Carson’s bed and watched as he packed his clothes.

  “Yeah, it’s been nice being back.”

  “What about Brand?” Her voice was quiet, hesitant.

  He stopped packing. “I can’t, Cass. Not now.”

  “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. For you both. I know you love him, Car. And he loves you so much—”

  “Then why’d he kick me out last night?”

  She stood and faced her brother. “Are you seriously asking that question? You’re an idiot if you can’t figure it out. How’d you expect him to react when you just decided to go back without talking about it with him? Like I one hundred percent understand you’re in the right here, and I’m on your side, but try to see it from his perspective. It’s like you want to be with him, but only if you get to do it your way. You talk about loving him and being with him, but did you even ask what he thought about it? Had you even brought it up before laying it all out in front of him? Had you even talked about what would happen when the strike was over? Ever bring it up? Like I get that you have to go, but Jesus, did you even consider what you leaving suddenly might feel like for Brand?”

  He sank down on the bed. She was right. He hadn’t brought it up. He’d known that eventually the strike would end and he’d have to go back, but why hadn’t he brought it up with Brand? Why hadn’t they had a conversation? He’d taken Brand for granted. Fuck. He’d finally gotten a second chance, and he blew it… a second time. He covered his face with his hands and bent over.

  “Shit, Cass. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I blew it so bad, I can’t even fix it this time. It’s over, for real, isn’t it?”

  Cassie pressed her lips together and nodded. “Yeah, I’m afraid it is. I don’t see how Brand will come back from this, and it’s…” She rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. “It’s not fair to him. To either of you, really. But you hurt him twice now. And I love you so much, Car. You’re my only brother, but Brand is a good man, and he deserves to be the center of somebody’s world, not just a satellite.”

  He lay back on the bed and pulled his legs up. He pressed his hands over his eyes. “I know, Cass. I know.” Emotion overwhelmed him. The tears flowed down his cheeks and dropped onto the comforter, making a wet spot. “I love him so much… and I fucked up. I fucked up big time.”

  Cassie lay next to him and put her arm around his shoulders. “If yo
u love him as much as you say you do, then you need to let him go. I know it’s not fair, but it’s either that or be willing to give it all up. No more in between, Car. Let him live and find happiness. Give him, give you both, closure.”

  He heard the words and knew she was right. He wiped the tears with the back of his sleeve and inhaled deeply. He had to find a way to give them both closure so they could both move on. He just needed to find the courage to do it.

  The town car pulled up to the house at around five o’clock and honked the horn. Carson grabbed his luggage and headed to the front door.

  “Mom! The car’s here. I’ve got to go.” He reached out and grabbed Cassie’s sweater, pulling her in for a hug. “Come here, you. I’m gonna miss you so much.”

  “Me too. Don’t get into any trouble.”

  “You promise to come visit? I’ll take you to the set.”

  Cassie pulled back. “Um, hell yeah, I’m coming. There’s no way I’d miss the opportunity to meet Dr. Gian Montegue, Chief of Neurosurgery and Head Vampire. O.M.G. I’d do so much more than suck his blood.”

  “I didn’t hear that.”

  “I can repeat it if you’d like.”

  “Oh my God, please stop.”

  Cassie laughed and went down the hall, giving him and his mom some privacy. After a tearful goodbye with his mother, and promises to be home as soon as possible, he got into the black sedan and headed off to the airport. He hadn’t wanted to leave, but as he watched the thick gatherings of spruce fly by his window, just how much he didn’t want to leave hit him directly in the gut.

  I wonder what Brand is doing right now.

  No. He couldn’t have those thoughts. Cassie was right. They needed closure, the both of them. He shoved the errant thought from his brain and focused on the passing landscape. Just beyond the tree line, he could see the deep blue of the lake. A sense of peace draped over his shoulders. Brand was right. Even in the winter, when the ground was covered in snow, the lake had a way of warming your heart.