by Seth Barder
The sun was beginning to creep its way up to the horizon again, lighting up the dark sky. Josh wasn't sure how long he and Driton had been walking. He had no sense of time, not like he used to. He thought of the saying, “time heals all wounds.” If that’s true he hoped the days would keep passing quickly. He was deeply depressed.
Driton tried a couple more times to snap Josh out of it. He pointed out how beautiful the sunrise looked and how the dew on the morning glories made those blue and white flowers sparkle. Josh only gave a half-hearted smile. Driton stopped at a stoop leading to someone’s apartment and sat down. Josh didn't sit down at first. He stood there staring at his feet as his hand made use of the handrail next to him.
“Come on, Josh, sit down,” Driton pleaded.
“I'm not tired,” Josh’s voice matched his body language.
“I know, just sit down for a moment,” Driton patted the spot beside him.
All things considered, Josh was thankful for Driton being there. His eyes, his face, his voice, just his presence comforted Josh and made him feel safe, like everything was going to be okay. Josh yielded to Driton’s request and sat down.
“I can understand the war going on inside you, Josh. There was a time, long ago, when I wanted to just reach out and talk to a human.” Driton looked like he was lost somewhere in his own thoughts…his own pain.
Josh, sensing Driton’s musing, spoke up, “What happened?”
Broken out of his concentration Driton flatly explained, “It was forbidden. It was hard to deal with at first, but I had to learn there are some things I just can’t do.” Driton looked out into the streets already filling with people. “I can only imagine what it must be like to be born human and know only that kind of life. Then dying and finding out life still goes on. From what I can gather people try to take everything they’ve learned when they were alive and apply it to this place, but it’s not so simple. People aren’t prepared for what it does to them physically…mentally. It's like being reborn or something. You have to learn everything all over again. You learn there are things you just can't do anymore. Things you would like to do, even try to do, but find out it's impossible now. There are rules now that, unlike when you were human, you have no choice but to follow. Even some of the most faithful men like C.H. Spurgeon, Watchman Nee, or Martin Luther King, Jr. were surprised the things they didn't know.” Driton looked back at Josh, “Some things we just have to accept and move on.”
Josh's heart sank a little lower, a little deeper, into depression. He knew Driton really meant there was no more hope, at least not for Josh’s daughter. He began to feel helpless, like there was no hope for mankind. Billions of people who don’t believe will be going to hell. And many more because they hold a cheap view of what it means to be a Christian. Those shady Christians who look good on the outside but are secretly doing wrong.
The devil was winning, that’s the way Josh saw it. This weird…war between, as cliché as it sounded to him, good and evil seemed to be going a different way than he thought it would. Maybe Josh was destined to go to hell. Maybe that's where he belongs. God knows he was no saint, not even close. If he was able to go to heaven, many more should be allowed in too. He could ask Driton but Josh assumed he'd just say it was because of God's love that He allowed Driton to take him out of hell.
Out of the silence between the two, through the waking of the city and the people in it, near the time the sun was well over the horizon again, Josh managed to muster out a few words.
“Is there any hope for these people then?” Josh meant those still alive.
“There's always hope, Josh.” He answered trying to reassure him.
Josh felt as though a fire inside him was being kindled, “How? How is there hope when there's so much evil? How can there be hope when the devil seems to be in control of every person on earth!?”
“People sin that’s a part of life, no one is perfect. It’s what people do after they sin that determine where they’ll go. We just talked about this, it’s a choice.”
Josh scoffed, “Yeah, ‘choice’.”
Driton didn’t let Josh’s sarcasm sway his efforts to help, “People don't sin when they're tempted; people sin when they give in to those temptations. Thinking someone's attractive isn't sinning, it's when you go too far and start dwelling on those thoughts that it becomes a sin. Stopping yourself and turning your thoughts to prayer or praise to Jesus puts the temptation on hold for a little bit. I’ve seen people struggle with temptation, some stand firm, others give up and give in. But it doesn’t mean God is far away. That’s why He sent His Son.”
“Yeah but, I know I felt like God just gave up on me and basically said, ‘Okay, you’ve made your bed now lie in it. I’m done with you.’”
“People tend to believe things more readily if they think they’re the ones telling themselves the lie. Demons know this so they use it to their advantage. Remember ‘Frank’?” Josh could barely forget, “That couple was ready to believe anything Frank had to say. It’s the same thing if someone struggles with thinking they’re stupid or ugly they’re more likely to believe it. Then, when the person feels depressed and alone the demon, or demons, leaves the person alone, now feeling guilty, as though they’re the most wicked person in the world.”
“Yeah, it’s a bunch of bull—” Josh mindlessly allowed a cuss word slip from his mouth.
After the words spilled out of his mouth the thought ran through his mind, “Did you just cuss in front of an angel?” and “Are you doubting him?” Josh threw those thoughts aside refusing to look at Driton. He, for some odd reason, dismissed the thoughts as whispers from the devil trying to deceive him.
Unfazed, Driton continued, “Josh, don’t you think you’ve seen enough? I think we should go.” Driton said it as though he wanted to go as well, “Don’t you want to leave this place?” he added almost pleading.
“If I’m going to heaven, then other people should be able to go there too…” Josh sounded more assertive.
“Other people are going to heaven, Josh.”
“Not people like me. Not those who’ve lived a life of sin like I have. How can God forgive all I’ve done?”
“It’s because of Jesus.” Driton really didn’t know any other way to put it. To him, Jesus was the only reason anyone needed.
Josh jumped up from the stoop. The anger he felt was coming to a head. “Because of Jesus? Well then, why doesn’t God let others in who are just as bad as me? I made bad choices yet here I am on the road to heaven. I surrounded myself with some of the most evil things you could think of and I reveled in them. I mean, look around,” Josh pointed at the adult bookstores, strip clubs, and bars. “I’ve been to every one of these places. It’s not easy to just ‘not sin’ or ‘resist the devil’ when there’s so much here to lure us in. It’s not easy,” Josh said again looking as though he were remembering his own struggles.
Josh could hardly believe what just came out of his mouth. Maybe he shouldn’t have bottled up all his feelings for such long of time. It had been a powder keg sitting there waiting to be ignited.
Driton didn’t respond right away. Josh wasn’t sure whether he was thinking about what he’d said or so surprised at it that he was speechless. Oh yeah, Josh forgot Driton had been around for a long time. There was probably nothing that surprised him anymore. Doubtful it was the second one. But then why would he be surprised? He shouldn’t be. So why was he so quiet? Was he mad? No, he’d told Josh several times he wasn’t, or did he say he couldn’t get mad? Josh realized his mind was wandering, then he looked at Driton and that’s when Driton responded.
“It is difficult. I never said it wasn’t. But as for you going to heaven while others remain here, remember the world is very old. Humans have been here for a long time. All humans are forced to deal with temptation and all will eventually die. So you need to understand it would be impossible for you to be the only one who has been taken out of hell. There are others, some worse than you, who we are more than glad to take
out, to show them how loving God really is.”
Josh remained quiet. He half expected Driton to do something a little more dramatic like forcefully grab his arm and drag him back to hell in a fit of rage, not so much for doubting as it would be for his outburst. Josh was grateful Driton wasn’t a human. If he were Josh would expect him to say something like, “Don’t you take that tone with me!” Or he could have closed up, becoming stubborn, not taking Josh anywhere as if to say, “Fine, you don’t believe me, you won’t get to see anything.” Josh would have preferred it if Driton would have yelled back, at least then he could take it better. He’d been yelling and arguing for what seemed like his whole life. But he didn’t. Driton remained calm and Josh hated it. It made him feel uncomfortable because he didn’t know how to respond and when he did it always seemed inappropriate. It made him feel worse about what he did and worse about himself.
Josh wasn’t sure why he kept doing things like that. Why can’t he simply accept that things are simpler than he makes them out to be? Why did he have to over analyze every little thing that’s said and done? He ruined everyone’s life, even his own, by doing things he’s been told over and over again not to. Now he was talking back to an angel of God, telling him what to do. Driton was right Josh should have been reading his Bible more. Yes, yes, Josh got defensive every time Driton mentioned his lack of devotion to it, but Josh didn’t like his faults being pointed out to him, not when he was alive nor now when dead. There was little he could do about it now anyway. Silently Josh prayed to God that He’d forgive him for his defiance and doubt. Josh resolved to go wherever Driton asked, then quietly go to heaven.
“Sorry, man,” Josh said to Driton in a low voice, “I just…just…”
Driton could tell Josh was sincere. “I know.” he offered in consolation and let the incident drop between them. Josh’s heart broke in this power of forgiveness.
Chapter 13