“It’s not,” It’s Diana’s turn to sigh reluctantly. “I just worry, sweetheart. I want you to be happy, to have the life that I never had the chance to. I want you to fall in love and have a family, I just don’t think Oliver is that person for you.”
“He’s not, mom. He had his chance and he mucked it all up. Again, and again. He’s not the one for me, but he’s still Lucy’s father. I want to do this for her, not for me.”
She reaches across the table, taking my hand in her own.
“That’s fine, just be careful, okay?” Her voice is gentle, concern echoing across.
I nod. “I promise that I will.”
Saturday morning is a hectic mess, not that I expect anything less in our home. Life with a three-year-old is always hectic. I wake up before Lucy, hopping in the shower to get myself ready for the day. As soon as I’m ready, I go wake Lucy up and give her a quick bath.
My child is always grumpy in the mornings, especially if I have to wake her up. During the entirety of her bath, Lucy whines about everything. Her shampoo stinks (it doesn’t), the water is cold (it isn’t), and so on.
I finally get her clean and get her dressed, letting her hair air-dry into its natural waves. I usher her into the living room and put on cartoons while I make breakfast. I just whip together a quick yogurt parfait, adding some apples and bananas. It’s enough that Lucy won’t be cranky throughout the morning until lunchtime, but not too much that she’ll feel sick.
While she eats, I debate on texting Oliver. I already sent him the address to the petting zoo, telling him to meet us there...but a part of me is scared he’s not going to show up. I know that if he doesn’t, it has nothing to do with me. If he doesn’t show up, that’s on him. But I don’t want to be let down.
The logical side of me ultimately loses as I send him another text.
‘Letting you know that we’re leaving in ten.’
Within seconds, I get a response.
‘Grabbing breakfast now and then I’ll be on my way.’
I have no real reason to trust him, but I do. Putting my phone away, I scarf down the leftovers of Lucy’s parfait and fill my to-go cup with coffee.
At least breakfast seemed to make Lucy a little less grumpy because now she’s excitedly chatting about all the animals she’s going to pet today.
Chapter Nine
Oliver
I spent most of my morning on the phone with Allison, asking her far too many questions. What should I wear? What should I say? What should I do? My poor half-asleep sister did her best to answer the questions I plowed her with but ultimately told me to figure it out because it was early there.
I may or may not have forgotten about the three-hour time difference between us.
I decide on just a t-shirt and jeans before I leave the cabin, going to the little breakfast place I’ve been frequenting since arriving in town.
These last few days, I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, so I’ve ventured out to explore what I could. I’ve checked out local shops, local eating places, I’ve visited all the touristy places and even hiked to a waterfall – something I never imagined doing.
And it’s been amazing. The fresh air is nothing like the city air I’m so used to breathing in, the people are incredibly polite, answering any dumb question that I pose towards them.
As I’m eating breakfast, Cassidy texts me, telling me they’re about to leave. My heart is pounding in my chest, nervousness building up inside of me. I’m going to meet Lucy for the first time. I’m going to see my daughter. Not just in a photo, but in real life. She’s not even going to know who I am.
I pay for breakfast, get in the car, and start to head towards the petting zoo that Cassidy sent me the address to. My hands grip tightly to the steering wheel, sweating as I drive. God, what if I mess this up? What if Cassidy hates me? I pull into the parking lot, turn the car off, and try to piece myself together.
I have to remember that she’s just a child. She probably doesn’t like strangers. She’s probably going to be shy. I just have to be thankful that I even get to see her. I get to try and that’s the best thing that could come out of this trip.
In the distance, I see Cassidy holding the hand of a skipping child. That’s my daughter. My heart floods with joy, almost overwhelmingly so. I get out of the car, take a final breath, and start to approach them.
By the time I reach them, they’re in line at the ticket booth. Cassidy has let go of Lucy’s hand and the toddler is climbing all over the animal statues that sit outside of the gates. Cassidy’s dark hair is pulled back into a ponytail, she’s just in a pair of jean shorts and a black shirt, sunglasses on. Her gaze is zoned in on Lucy and I don’t want to interrupt, but I also don’t know how we’re supposed to do this.
Am I supposed to just meet them inside? Or am I supposed to meet them outside?
I take a chance and approach her, hoping I look as calm as possible on the outside.
“Good morning,” I greet.
Cassidy turns to look at me and I think I see a small smile pulling at her lips. It disappears quickly, her head turning to glance back at Lucy.
“Good morning,” she responds.
And that’s it for our conversation. I come to stand by her side, watching as Lucy plays.
It’s amazing to look at her and realize that that’s my daughter. I helped make her – and I’ve missed watching her grow. I missed the chance to watch her learn to walk and talk and become the little human that she is now.
As the line moves forward, Cassidy calls out for Lucy to come back over.
She perks her head up, hops off the pig statue that she was climbing on, and runs over to where we stand. Reaching up, Lucy shoves her hand into Cassidy’s.
“I’m here,” she says, smiling up at her.
“I know, thank you for listening.” Cassidy smiles down at her, her head flicking back towards me.
“Do you wanna meet my friend Oliver?” she asks.
Now my heart is pounding. God, what do I say? How do I keep from messing this all up? What if Lucy hates me? What if I say or do something wrong and Cassidy never lets me see her again?
Lucy, still holding her mother’s hand, turns around to look at me. She looks up at me with a lighter version of my own eyes, the same cheekbones, the same eyebrows. Her nose wrinkles, just like her mother’s when she’s thinking about something.
“Hi.”
She says it quickly and then turns back around, pulling on Cassidy’s hand to move forward in line. I’m long forgotten to her, the idea of petting ponies and goats far more important than the stranger behind her.
“Hi Lucy,” I say back, but her attention is long gone.
And I’m incredibly thankful. At least she spoke to me. It’s a step forward. She didn’t hate me the minute her eyes landed on me. She didn’t start crying or hide when she saw my face.
Cassidy turns to look at me, “It takes her a bit to warm up to strangers. I should have warned you.”
I shake my head, “I expected it. She doesn’t know me. Give her time.”
Cassidy smiles again. This time, I catch it. She smiles in my direction and nods.
“Exactly. Give her time.”
Maybe this isn’t going to be as impossible as I originally thought.
It kills me to, but I don’t say a word as Cassidy pays for herself and Lucy to get into the petting zoo. I want nothing more than to pay for both of them, but I know how that’ll look to Cassidy. She doesn’t want my money. She’s handled everything for the two of them these three years without an issue. So, I bite my tongue and pay for myself, following the two of them inside.
Cassidy bends down so she’s at eye level with Lucy.
“Where do you want to go first?” she asks.
Lucy looks around us, her excitement is clear. She’s bouncing on her heels, eyes darting around at every enclosure around us.
“Goats!” she says before darting off toward the fenced-in area where the goats are kept.
Cassidy turns towards me, offers a small smile. “Guess we’re going to go see the goats first.”
We follow after Lucy, and I can’t help but feel hope flooding over me. It feels so easy when we’re like this. Cassidy isn’t glaring at me, acting like I don’t exist. She’s smiling in my direction, she looks happy. I know that I can’t chalk that up to me. She would be happy whether I’m here or not...but this all feels like a step forward.
Lucy sticks her little hands through the holes in the fence, reaching out to pet one of the animals that have gathered by the fence, assuming there’s food in her hand. They sniff, look disappointed, but give Lucy a chance to pet them anyway.
That doesn’t seem to satisfy her long. She steps away from the fence and walks to the gate, reaching up for the latch to enter the enclosure.
“Lucy!” Cassidy catches her quickly. “Let’s not do that right now.”
With her hand still on the latch, Lucy turns to look at her.
“But we’re allowed to! And I want to!”
I see the first look of defeat cross Cassidy’s face. It’s there briefly, hardly noticeable unless you’re looking for a change in her expression.
“I can go with her,” I step forward, glancing between the two of them, “if that’s okay?”
The defeat fades from Cassidy’s features, becoming replaced by something akin to relief. She nods slowly.
“It’s fine with me as long as that’s okay with Lucy.” Her gaze turns towards Lucy, who’s still eagerly holding on to the latch.
“Can Oliver come with you instead of me?”
Lucy turns her attention to me for the first time since we were introduced. She looks at me – hard. I feel like I’m being judged, eyed up to see if I’m good enough. It’s incredibly unsettling, especially coming from a three-year-old.
“Okay!” she finally agrees. “Let’s go!”
I look back at Cassidy before walking forward, stepping up to the gate.
This is probably the right time to mention I hardly have experience with children. I wasn’t raised with cousins or neighbors. Allison, while I cared for her, is only a few years younger than myself.
I don’t remember the last time I ever held a child. I don’t hate children, I’ve just never had the experience of being around them, so I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to interact with children. Hell, sometimes I hardly know how to interact with adults.
So, I’m nervous, extremely so. I decide to let Lucy make all the moves. I’m just here as Cassidy’s friend, an extra set of eyes to supervise her.
Lucy doesn’t pay me any mind as she manages to get the gate unlatched. I reach out to catch it, stopping it from swinging open completely and just letting the goats run free. Lucy squeezes through. Instantly, the goats start to swarm around her, looking for food.
She’s not afraid. She laughs as they nudge at her side and hands.
I slide through the gate after her, making sure to latch it behind me. The goats leave Lucy, realizing that she doesn’t have any food, and head towards me.
Just like children, I have no experience with farm animals. I went to the zoo plenty of times as a child, but we didn’t visit petting zoos or farms. I know nothing about goats besides they like to eat, and they scream.
They poke at me just like they did Lucy, searching my pockets and hands for food. I reach out, petting the head of a black and white one. Their fur is coarse, the stench coming from their enclosure awful, but Lucy looks so very happy as she chases one of them around, trying to reach out and pet it.
Stealing a quick glance back, I see Cassidy leaning against the fence, watching Lucy with a smile on her face.
When I glance back, Lucy is standing at my feet. Every time I look at her, I find myself taken aback. It’s always like looking into a mirror. It throws me off. She looks up at me, still bouncing on her heels, excitement still racing through her.
“Oliver?”
When she says my name, she pronounces the ‘v’ like a ‘b’.
“Yes, Lucy?”
“Will you pick up the baby goat? I wanna pet it but it keeps runnin’.”
It’s the most that I’ve ever heard her talk. She has a southern accent, just like her mother. It’s probably the most adorable thing I’ve ever heard.
I go to answer her question and then realize that it falls back to me having absolutely no experience with farm animals. The person manning the gate said that we were allowed to pick them up...but how? Do I just grab one? What if it bites?
Still, my daughter is asking me to do this. I have to.
I see the baby goat that she’s talking about. It’s tiny, black and white.
“Okay,” is all I can say to Lucy.
I walk further into the enclosure, stepping carefully. Goats surround us, although they’re mostly ignoring us at this point. They’ve learned that we don’t have any food, so they no longer care about us.
I get close to the baby goat and slow my walk, not wanting to scare it. I hear Lucy’s little footsteps behind me, trying to walk just as carefully as I am.
Then, hopefully, in what I think is a swift, graceful motion, I lean down and scoop the baby goat into my arms. I put both hands underneath its stomach, holding it tightly to my chest to keep it feeling safe.
I turn around to see where Lucy is and squat down with the goat in my arm.
“Alright. Be gentle with it, Lucy. It’s just a baby,” I say.
She nods, approaching me and the goat slowly. She reaches out, petting it on the head, right between its budding horns.
“Hi baby,” she says softly, petting it again, “you’re a little baby.”
My heart feels full. I’ve never felt this warmness wash over me, at least not like this. She pets the baby goat a few more times and it stops squirming in my arms, either accepting its fate or relaxing.
Lucy pets it a few more times before stopping and stepping away.
“Are you done?” I ask, adjusting my grip on the goat.
She nods.
I lean down and gently place the goat on the ground. It takes one last look at us before racing off towards the other goats.
“Lucy!” Cassidy calls and Lucy turns to look at her almost immediately. “Are you done with the goats? If you are, come on back.”
Lucy doesn’t respond so I take it upon myself to ask, still squatted down in front of her.
“Are you done with the goats? What do you want to see next?”
She looks at me and I expect her to ignore me. Cassidy said that it takes her time to adjust to strangers so there’s no reason for her to want to speak to me.
But Lucy smiles up at me.
“Sheep!” she says and starts to race back towards the gate, causing the goats to scatter to the side, clearing a path for her.
I smile and follow after her. I feel good. She chose to interact with me.
We spend hours at the petting zoo, taking in each enclosure. Lucy has to pet everything she can, and Cassidy and I let her. About halfway through the zoo, I buy her a cup of animal food and she gets even more excited.
We pet sheep, pigs, llamas, ponies, cows, and one horse that Lucy absolutely adores. When I lift her up so she can pet the horse, she tells me that horses are her favorite animal.
If I could, I would buy her a farm with plenty of room for as many horses as she wants.
If only I hadn’t messed this all up.
When we finish with the petting zoo, I expect to say goodbye to Cassidy and Lucy in the parking lot. This was my chance and I think I did well. I showed up, I interacted. I tried not to step on any toes or speak out of line. I did everything that I could, so hopefully, I get more chances in my future.
But Cassidy turns towards me after getting Lucy into her car seat.
“Do you want to get lunch with us?” she asks.
I smile. I try to fight it back, but I can’t.
“Are you okay with that?”
“I think she likes you. So, do
you want to grab lunch?”
I want to open my mouth and ask what this means, but I don’t want to ruin my chances. So, instead, I just nod.
“Yeah, absolutely.”
“I’ll text you the address and you can meet us there,” she tells me before adding, “we’ll talk about everything else later, alright?”
“Alright,” I agree, unable to hide my smile.
We’re moving forward. I’m incredibly happy to be doing so.
Chapter Ten
Cassidy
I’m not a pessimist, but I’m surprised he even showed up. It’s not that I really doubt Oliver’s intentions, but I know him. He makes a lot of promises, but he never quite meets them. I used to describe it as he had good intentions but didn’t know how to enact them. Now, I find that I’m not so sure. I want to believe that Oliver is a good person who was raised under garbage circumstances, but I can’t keep making excuses for him.
But he showed up. He interacted with Lucy and he respected my wishes. It’s all I could ask from him. That’s why I asked if he wanted to join us for lunch. Everything went smoothly at the petting zoo, so I figured Oliver would want to spend a little extra time with Lucy. I don’t want to deprive him of chances.
Lucy and I pull out of the parking lot for the petting zoo when she speaks.
“I like Oliver,” she says, adorably pronouncing the ‘v’ as a ‘b’. “He’s nice.”
She’s probably the only person in the world to meet Oliver Windsor for the first time and refer to him as ‘nice’. I hold back a snicker, instead, I respond to her.
“Yeah? I’m glad you like him, sweetheart.”
“Is he coming to lunch with us?”
“Yes, is that okay?”
“Yeah!”
Then she falls quiet, listening to the music playing quietly in the background. I pull up to the restaurant that we’re going to and park in a parking spot, turning the car off and getting out to help Lucy out of her car seat.
I see Oliver pull into a parking space a little further away, on the phone. He looks frustrated, running a hand through his hair repeatedly as he speaks. I try to ignore it. Oliver’s emotions are none of my business anymore. I shouldn’t care, but I do.
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